Families of High Functioning Alcoholics
All the codependents I've known, also a very long list that includes myself, were raised in families where enabling, enmeshed behavior was taking place for one reason or another (usually alcoholism).
Both alcoholism and codependence are family diseases and they continue to be passed on to the next generation unless we educate ourselves and our kids about this sick dynamic. I wish I had learned not to copy my parents way of life before my children were basically grown. The damage was done by the time I figured it out. I'll live with that regret the rest of my life. But, I am glad that my kids will know to do better in their lives going forward. I have hope that we've broken the cycle by shining a light on the demons, ALL the demons.
Some are weak, some are broken, but it is always up to the addict to step up and find appropriate and healthy ways to heal and cope.
Alcohol addiction is a bad choice that is unfortunately supported by our culture and within our families. I grew up with alcoholism. I was taught by example that problems were to be avoided and softened by drinking.
I learned to be unhealthy in taking care of my addict mother at my own expense. It hurt and eventually became more or less life-threatening to me as I no longer wanted to live and had no life of my own because I had learned as a child you take care of the alcoholic no matter what. You don't "give up" on them because you love them and they are family.
I "gave up" on myself instead.
During this time I was always the "high functioning" alcoholic (a stage, not a type) who took care of my family, brought home the money for the household, and did everything expected of me and 10X more. I earned a BA, two MAs, and a PHD all while dealing with my mother in and out of hospital with drinking accidents and sickness and nobody helping but me. My own spouse was seriously ill during this time too, and nearly died from sepsis from an infected bowel.
That's just part of it. So I don't see myself as weak so much as trying to manage what was unmanageable, and I simply wasn't able to see that I needed to step back and let my mother choose her life and take back my own.
I chose to drink in the same way I now choose sobriety and recovery (not the same two things at all in my view)
When I knew better I did better, but I know plenty of people who would rather stay on the path addiction because they see it as easier. Several of my college friends are dead from drinking, or drinking and suicide mixed. So much promise and talent lost.
But living as an addict isn't easier hour-by-hour, day by day, with the years ticking away and you can always feel what you haven't even attempted to do with your life because you are too busy drowning you feelings in a bottle.
It is terrible and soul-destroying--and not just to the addict, but to those who choose to try and save one who can only save themselves.
Alcohol addiction is a bad choice that is unfortunately supported by our culture and within our families. I grew up with alcoholism. I was taught by example that problems were to be avoided and softened by drinking.
I learned to be unhealthy in taking care of my addict mother at my own expense. It hurt and eventually became more or less life-threatening to me as I no longer wanted to live and had no life of my own because I had learned as a child you take care of the alcoholic no matter what. You don't "give up" on them because you love them and they are family.
I "gave up" on myself instead.
During this time I was always the "high functioning" alcoholic (a stage, not a type) who took care of my family, brought home the money for the household, and did everything expected of me and 10X more. I earned a BA, two MAs, and a PHD all while dealing with my mother in and out of hospital with drinking accidents and sickness and nobody helping but me. My own spouse was seriously ill during this time too, and nearly died from sepsis from an infected bowel.
That's just part of it. So I don't see myself as weak so much as trying to manage what was unmanageable, and I simply wasn't able to see that I needed to step back and let my mother choose her life and take back my own.
I chose to drink in the same way I now choose sobriety and recovery (not the same two things at all in my view)
When I knew better I did better, but I know plenty of people who would rather stay on the path addiction because they see it as easier. Several of my college friends are dead from drinking, or drinking and suicide mixed. So much promise and talent lost.
But living as an addict isn't easier hour-by-hour, day by day, with the years ticking away and you can always feel what you haven't even attempted to do with your life because you are too busy drowning you feelings in a bottle.
It is terrible and soul-destroying--and not just to the addict, but to those who choose to try and save one who can only save themselves.
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All the codependents I've known, also a very long list that includes myself, were raised in families where enabling, enmeshed behavior was taking place for one reason or another (usually alcoholism).
SmallButMighty: --you are right. There is definitely enabling from my end of the family; my mom has enable a few of my siblings to a fault. I have to take some of the blame and admit I have enabled my husband and allowed him to go unchecked. It seems I have gravitated toward those who "need my help" and I seem to find those who can't seem to stand on their own two feet because of it, (Until they decide to do something brave and stupid, like drink and drive..then they don't need my advice). Today's eye opener.
SmallButMighty: --you are right. There is definitely enabling from my end of the family; my mom has enable a few of my siblings to a fault. I have to take some of the blame and admit I have enabled my husband and allowed him to go unchecked. It seems I have gravitated toward those who "need my help" and I seem to find those who can't seem to stand on their own two feet because of it, (Until they decide to do something brave and stupid, like drink and drive..then they don't need my advice). Today's eye opener.
My husband's parents weren't as photogenic as Ward and June Cleaver, but at least as level-headed and compassionate. They were both tee-totalers.
Whether habitual drinking to excess was formed by bad decisions in high school, some experience in southeast Asia, a brief marriage producing a child that was more or less kept away from him, or some other deep dark secret, I'll never know.
All I know is that he had to anesthetize himself to get through every day, and that is profoundly sad.
Whether habitual drinking to excess was formed by bad decisions in high school, some experience in southeast Asia, a brief marriage producing a child that was more or less kept away from him, or some other deep dark secret, I'll never know.
All I know is that he had to anesthetize himself to get through every day, and that is profoundly sad.
What has helped me is to stop thinking in terms of blame and to instead understand what my interests are in the relationship and how I can change. Thinking in terms of blame and keeping another person in check is thinking that is full of pain. What's helped me tremendously has been learning how to take my focus off of what seemed like a gargantuan problem and instead learning how to focus more on thinking that brings me peace. That is what has changed my relationship in astounding ways for the better. It's not about blaming myself or keeping him in check, it's about understanding my own fears - all of which have lived in me long before we met. His presence really just illuminated them for me.
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I've done lots of questioning as to the "why". Usually mental health, past trauma, inability to cope with stress, etc. They all explain but do not excuse. My ah has even said himself that problems get much worse when he drinks. He knows this, and I've said to him that I could now choose to drink because of his drinking and our kids would have no one. Anyway, my ah has attended the counselling and goes to multiple AA meetings each week. I'm pretty sure he still has a few beers twice a week, maybe 3 times but it's nowhere what it was and I don't expect a miracle overnight. I hope he becomes fully sober before the ramp up comes again. I've made a decision to call the police if he drinks and drives again and I'm getting money matters in order just in case. I think I might be learning to detach a bit - trying not to worry about the future too much.
The moderation won’t work Olivia.
The amounts will creep up but right now he is on best behavior to appease you.
I agree trauma is a reason but not an excuse, especially for a man with a family.
It’s great you are getting your money in order and you seem much more aware of the difficulty of an alcoholic who is not fully committed faces in actually getting and staying sober.
I hope he sees what he may lose by continuing drinking 2-3 times a week.
The amounts will creep up but right now he is on best behavior to appease you.
I agree trauma is a reason but not an excuse, especially for a man with a family.
It’s great you are getting your money in order and you seem much more aware of the difficulty of an alcoholic who is not fully committed faces in actually getting and staying sober.
I hope he sees what he may lose by continuing drinking 2-3 times a week.
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OLM
Like you said, we all came up with reasons of why our loved ones drink but indeed nothing is a valid excuse to drink.
It is great that he is going to meetings and a counselor but I will admit that the fact remains that he is still drinking and that is concerning. IMHO it means he isn’t really fully committed and is still wanting to learn how to moderate which we all know just doesn’t work with alcoholics, not in the long run. Lots of people go to AA and counseling with the hopes to learn to moderate. Until they understand that there is no such thing as moderation for alcoholics they won’t be successful. I really hope he isn’t just going through the motions to keep you happy but it seems like he is. Honestly I would expect zero alcohol overnight if he was really serious. He wouldn’t change overnight because that takes time but once you commit you commit. Hopefully I am totally wrong and he will quit completely but also don’t lull yourself into this idea that he is drinking much less and going to meetings so things are better. Because I think you will find they are really not.
Like you said, we all came up with reasons of why our loved ones drink but indeed nothing is a valid excuse to drink.
It is great that he is going to meetings and a counselor but I will admit that the fact remains that he is still drinking and that is concerning. IMHO it means he isn’t really fully committed and is still wanting to learn how to moderate which we all know just doesn’t work with alcoholics, not in the long run. Lots of people go to AA and counseling with the hopes to learn to moderate. Until they understand that there is no such thing as moderation for alcoholics they won’t be successful. I really hope he isn’t just going through the motions to keep you happy but it seems like he is. Honestly I would expect zero alcohol overnight if he was really serious. He wouldn’t change overnight because that takes time but once you commit you commit. Hopefully I am totally wrong and he will quit completely but also don’t lull yourself into this idea that he is drinking much less and going to meetings so things are better. Because I think you will find they are really not.
I'm pretty sure he still has a few beers twice a week, maybe 3 times but it's nowhere what it was and I don't expect a miracle overnight. I hope he becomes fully sober before the ramp up comes again.
there is no PARTLY sober. one is either drinking.........or has ceased all consumption of alcohol permanently. drinking less is STILL drinking. and as long as the alcoholic is consuming alcohol, the disease is active.
the other side is that even when an addict quits and the disease goes into "remission" it does not stop completely. should the alcoholic drink again after a period of sobriety (multiple years) the disease will not pick up where it left off, it will re-surge AS IF they had not stopped drinking. this is what can make getting sober again that much more difficult.
there is no PARTLY sober. one is either drinking.........or has ceased all consumption of alcohol permanently. drinking less is STILL drinking. and as long as the alcoholic is consuming alcohol, the disease is active.
the other side is that even when an addict quits and the disease goes into "remission" it does not stop completely. should the alcoholic drink again after a period of sobriety (multiple years) the disease will not pick up where it left off, it will re-surge AS IF they had not stopped drinking. this is what can make getting sober again that much more difficult.
OLM, I was just wandering in the Newcomers forum, and I see you have a bunch of posts there, talking to an A whose wife has just told him she wants a separation. As the folks over there said, people are welcome to post in any forum they choose. This is certainly true.
BUT. The great big BUT.
You can keep on focusing on your AH, and on other A's here on the forum, OR you can get to work on your OWN issues. One of these paths will absolutely help you out and improve your life. The other, not so much.
Enough people have talked to you here that I believe you know which is which.
BUT. The great big BUT.
You can keep on focusing on your AH, and on other A's here on the forum, OR you can get to work on your OWN issues. One of these paths will absolutely help you out and improve your life. The other, not so much.
Enough people have talked to you here that I believe you know which is which.
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OLM
living with an alcoholic is not an easy path to choose. I'm not sure if you are attending Al-Anon but if you are not I hope you will consider it.
I chose to stick by my alcoholic husband as he continued to drink but I could not have stayed sane all those years without Al-Anon.
Do not fool yourself that he will moderate. Do not let your dissappointments turn to resentments. It is possible to have a reasonably happy life with an alcoholic but you must learn some coping tools and Al-Anon will teach you many.
I had to be able to accept my husband's drinking. Which I could, once we had some boundaries in place. These were things like .... if he's going out for a night's drinking then he had to stay out all night and not come back until he'd sobered up in the morning.
I would phone him once to say his dinner was nearly ready. He always said he'd be home in 5 minutes. When he didn't show, I didn't phone him a second time (because that's nagging!!) and didn't make a fuss about the uneaten food. The dog always enjoyed it.
Alcoholics will lie and convince you it wasn't a lie .... it wasn't their fault .... something happened that was beyond their control ....
They will let you down, dissapoint you, go missing, spend all the food money etc, etc etc
You can live with this but don't convince yourself it is anything other than it really is. If you let go of all expectation about him getting his drinking under control and accept that you will have to make many sacrifices and always be on duty as parent because he will be too drunk to drive or just not show up then you can have a reasonably happy marriage.
If you are content to take on all the family responsibility yourself (school, doctors, bills, car insurance etc, etc) because he is just too unreliable and you don't resent him for it, you can be happy.
If you focus on your own recovery and use the tools available to you through Al-Anon your life will be easier.
Waiting and hoping and believing that one day he will be sober and then you will be happy, generally, in my opinion, leads to bitterness.
living with an alcoholic is not an easy path to choose. I'm not sure if you are attending Al-Anon but if you are not I hope you will consider it.
I chose to stick by my alcoholic husband as he continued to drink but I could not have stayed sane all those years without Al-Anon.
Do not fool yourself that he will moderate. Do not let your dissappointments turn to resentments. It is possible to have a reasonably happy life with an alcoholic but you must learn some coping tools and Al-Anon will teach you many.
I had to be able to accept my husband's drinking. Which I could, once we had some boundaries in place. These were things like .... if he's going out for a night's drinking then he had to stay out all night and not come back until he'd sobered up in the morning.
I would phone him once to say his dinner was nearly ready. He always said he'd be home in 5 minutes. When he didn't show, I didn't phone him a second time (because that's nagging!!) and didn't make a fuss about the uneaten food. The dog always enjoyed it.
Alcoholics will lie and convince you it wasn't a lie .... it wasn't their fault .... something happened that was beyond their control ....
They will let you down, dissapoint you, go missing, spend all the food money etc, etc etc
You can live with this but don't convince yourself it is anything other than it really is. If you let go of all expectation about him getting his drinking under control and accept that you will have to make many sacrifices and always be on duty as parent because he will be too drunk to drive or just not show up then you can have a reasonably happy marriage.
If you are content to take on all the family responsibility yourself (school, doctors, bills, car insurance etc, etc) because he is just too unreliable and you don't resent him for it, you can be happy.
If you focus on your own recovery and use the tools available to you through Al-Anon your life will be easier.
Waiting and hoping and believing that one day he will be sober and then you will be happy, generally, in my opinion, leads to bitterness.
1. Because an alcoholic can get very good at slipping in many more drinks than are visible to others and not look any the worse for wear. The more we monitor (or ask or notice or glance over or or or...) the better that person gets at hiding. And then we wonder why they've lied to us.
2. Because it's really bad for our own mental health. All of the moments we spend focused on all the ways that another person is not doing/saying/behaving what we think they should be doing/saying/behaving are moments that we are not spending on our own well being. This way of life simply does not feel good.
3. Because if you use someone else's drinking, non-drinking or drinking levels as your reason to feel better, it's never going to last. It will be a temporary high. You have to make your life better. No one else can do it.
4. Because monitoring someone else's drinking never, ever, ever, ever works.
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If a person who is drinking more or less alcoholically only has a few visible drinks, it is fair to assume a lot of hidden using is going on and this is the "good behavior" you are supposed to be seeing.
AA literature suggests the "heavy drinker" can stop when there is a sufficient reason, at which point its not moderation its abstinence. Whether recovery occurs or not is another question.
My wife is apparently abstaining from drinking- I am not keeping track of that, but on the basis of the old behavior not coming back now for a couple years I suppose she is not. She is also not in any sort of spiritual recovery- no meetings or developing self-care.
My boundary is that if the old using behavior resumes then either she leaves or I leave with our daughter and to h3ll with the house and retirement- no way I will live with an addict again. In the meantime my business is to make sure they never have to live with a confused angry and resentful husband & father ever again.
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Here's a harsh thought to consider:
What will your son be like at 29 when he has spent the last yrs of his front cortex's (decision making center) and other development in a family with all this dysfunction? Worth serious consideration.
What will your son be like at 29 when he has spent the last yrs of his front cortex's (decision making center) and other development in a family with all this dysfunction? Worth serious consideration.
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