Therapy
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Join Date: May 2017
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Therapy
Hey everyone, I've only posted once before, but always read everyone else posts.
Was looking for a little advice.
So 4 months ago I started living my own life, doing my own things, making new friends and doing activities that I love without my AH, then out of nowhere he decided to quit and has been sober for 3 months, but he wants to do everything in his own I've mentioned in the past maybe getting supervision from a medical professional, and he said that he didn't want it on his record and that they can't do anything for him, if he mentions he's a drinker he says they judge him and won't offer medical treatment.
This time I can really tell he's struggling mentally he doesn't sleep at all, says that's how he was as a child so that's just the way he is, he seems angry at everything and negative about everything, I try to go do things I love when he's in these moods because I just feel like he's dragging me down, anyways I've mentioned to maybe go see a professional that maybe he just needs to talk to someone who is experienced with alcohol addiction I had even found a place that was free, he kinda ignored me like he didn't hear me and didn't respond.
Should I mention it again or just let him figure it out on his own?
Was looking for a little advice.
So 4 months ago I started living my own life, doing my own things, making new friends and doing activities that I love without my AH, then out of nowhere he decided to quit and has been sober for 3 months, but he wants to do everything in his own I've mentioned in the past maybe getting supervision from a medical professional, and he said that he didn't want it on his record and that they can't do anything for him, if he mentions he's a drinker he says they judge him and won't offer medical treatment.
This time I can really tell he's struggling mentally he doesn't sleep at all, says that's how he was as a child so that's just the way he is, he seems angry at everything and negative about everything, I try to go do things I love when he's in these moods because I just feel like he's dragging me down, anyways I've mentioned to maybe go see a professional that maybe he just needs to talk to someone who is experienced with alcohol addiction I had even found a place that was free, he kinda ignored me like he didn't hear me and didn't respond.
Should I mention it again or just let him figure it out on his own?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Sounds like typical early recovery. I imagine he did hear you, he just has no response, besides no?
You have mentioned it before and you are probably right, but he isn't interested in getting help. There are AA meetings everywhere, it's free and it's helpful, but he has chosen not to have support. You can mention it but you are probably wasting your time.
I really like this quote from dandylion:
You have mentioned it before and you are probably right, but he isn't interested in getting help. There are AA meetings everywhere, it's free and it's helpful, but he has chosen not to have support. You can mention it but you are probably wasting your time.
I really like this quote from dandylion:
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jessica...….the group support of AA would be a great place for him, right now...in my opinion. Nobody understands an alcoholic better than other alcoholics....
And....it is free and confidential...…
If it were me...I would give him a print out of local AA meetings....one time.....
In the end, he is only going to do what he wants to do...…
Like all of us...he makes his decisions and has to live with the consequences...good or bad.....
And....it is free and confidential...…
If it were me...I would give him a print out of local AA meetings....one time.....
In the end, he is only going to do what he wants to do...…
Like all of us...he makes his decisions and has to live with the consequences...good or bad.....
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Jessica, if his mood goes on for too long and is negatively affecting your relationship, maybe sit him down and talk to him from the POV that it's not just him that's suffering? I don't know what your relationship is like normally, but we usually have a little 'capital' we can use to ask our partner to do something.
I that doesn't help then you could withdraw in the same way you did when he was drinking, and leave him to it. He'll either work through it or relapse.
I that doesn't help then you could withdraw in the same way you did when he was drinking, and leave him to it. He'll either work through it or relapse.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
Hi Jessica2 - I gave up asking or trying to help my AH long ago. I was driving myself crazy and probably AH too. I agree once (or twice) is enough to talk about different methods of recovery for him. He knows what is out there, he is an adult.
You’re only going to drive yourself crazy, banging your head against the “why won’t he listen to me” wall. I agree with others, leave him to it and keep working on your own happiness, that is something you can control.
Your AH’s sobriety is his and his alone to maintain and pursue. Im a believer that sobriety and true recovery are 2 very different things to achieve. You can’t have one without the other. (read the newcomers forum here, very enlightening)
The 3 C’s -
YOU didn’t cause it
YOU can’t control it
YOU can’t cure it
Al Anon is a life saver for me, I recommend you try a meeting if you aren’t already.
You’re only going to drive yourself crazy, banging your head against the “why won’t he listen to me” wall. I agree with others, leave him to it and keep working on your own happiness, that is something you can control.
Your AH’s sobriety is his and his alone to maintain and pursue. Im a believer that sobriety and true recovery are 2 very different things to achieve. You can’t have one without the other. (read the newcomers forum here, very enlightening)
The 3 C’s -
YOU didn’t cause it
YOU can’t control it
YOU can’t cure it
Al Anon is a life saver for me, I recommend you try a meeting if you aren’t already.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
If your husband thinks just stopping the consumption of alcohol is going to make everything better, he's sorely mistaken. Stopping drinking is only the very first step in a long line of things that need to be addressed in order for a true recovery to start. he has about as much chance of happiness staying sober on his own as I do flapping my arms and flying to the moon. He needs to get help. AA, medical, therapy, something. As for the fear of the medical part, physicians see that all the time. It's not a big deal and no one judges. Hugs to you. Dry drunks are no fun.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Jessica2 
I've mentioned in the past maybe getting supervision from a medical professional, and he said that he didn't want it on his record.....I've mentioned to maybe go see a professional....he kinda ignored me like he didn't hear me and didn't respond.
Should I mention it again or just let him figure it out on his own?
Should I mention it again or just let him figure it out on his own?
Mentioning once is being helpful. Repeating what I've already mentioned is controlling.
Let
Others
Voluntarily
Evolve
It might sound radical to some, but really, there is no other way to love.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Hi Jessica
As someone else mentioned here, he is really just a dry drunk, and that is almost worse than an active drinker because they are still the same miserable person but now they don’t have their one coping skill. My XRAH was sober for 13 months. I had suggested treatment through his professional organization and he wanted to try one more time on his own....because he is a professional and didn’t want to go to AA meeting in town and he couldn’t go to the next town over because of work and it being almost an hour away. You know, excuses excuses. He was still tired, grumpy and no fun to be around at all. Still slept like crap and would go to bed early and be up a couple of times at night, hence the term dry drunk. All their behaviors are the same minus the alcohol. Once I hit rock bottom and told him he needed to quit, have it be out in the open and has to seek treatment or I’m gone he got serious (and only because he had gotten to that point where he was ready to quit just needed a final push). Quitting alcohol is only a very small part of recovery. Learning new coping skills and changing behaviors is a much bigger part of it and very few people can do that without professional help. My ex went to rehab for 3 months and it took a good 7 weeks (of daily inpatient therapy and multiple AA/NA meetings a day) before he finally started to be less manipulative and focus on him rather than me and our marriage. He is still clean 3 years later and he has no problem going to local AA meetings now. When they have excuses to not seek treatment/go to AA it really just means they are not ready to quit. And their brains are so messed up that it is no surprise he isn’t sleeping well. My ex had to take meds for a while in rehab and even with that he didn’t sleep great. You can’t control what he does or doesn’t do. If he isn’t willing to seek help I would at least recommend that you seek help for you by going to alanon and/or therapy (with someone that specialized in addiction because even if you are not an addict your issues are very much related to that so you need someone that gets it). I didn’t do that until I hit pas rock bottom and my ex went to rehab and I wish I would’ve so much sooner. I love my therapist and having gone sooner may not have saved my marriage per se but I might have been able to kept my sanity a little better. Do what you have to do for you to keep your sanity because there is nothing you can do to help him. I wish I would’ve learned that a lot sooner.
As someone else mentioned here, he is really just a dry drunk, and that is almost worse than an active drinker because they are still the same miserable person but now they don’t have their one coping skill. My XRAH was sober for 13 months. I had suggested treatment through his professional organization and he wanted to try one more time on his own....because he is a professional and didn’t want to go to AA meeting in town and he couldn’t go to the next town over because of work and it being almost an hour away. You know, excuses excuses. He was still tired, grumpy and no fun to be around at all. Still slept like crap and would go to bed early and be up a couple of times at night, hence the term dry drunk. All their behaviors are the same minus the alcohol. Once I hit rock bottom and told him he needed to quit, have it be out in the open and has to seek treatment or I’m gone he got serious (and only because he had gotten to that point where he was ready to quit just needed a final push). Quitting alcohol is only a very small part of recovery. Learning new coping skills and changing behaviors is a much bigger part of it and very few people can do that without professional help. My ex went to rehab for 3 months and it took a good 7 weeks (of daily inpatient therapy and multiple AA/NA meetings a day) before he finally started to be less manipulative and focus on him rather than me and our marriage. He is still clean 3 years later and he has no problem going to local AA meetings now. When they have excuses to not seek treatment/go to AA it really just means they are not ready to quit. And their brains are so messed up that it is no surprise he isn’t sleeping well. My ex had to take meds for a while in rehab and even with that he didn’t sleep great. You can’t control what he does or doesn’t do. If he isn’t willing to seek help I would at least recommend that you seek help for you by going to alanon and/or therapy (with someone that specialized in addiction because even if you are not an addict your issues are very much related to that so you need someone that gets it). I didn’t do that until I hit pas rock bottom and my ex went to rehab and I wish I would’ve so much sooner. I love my therapist and having gone sooner may not have saved my marriage per se but I might have been able to kept my sanity a little better. Do what you have to do for you to keep your sanity because there is nothing you can do to help him. I wish I would’ve learned that a lot sooner.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 1,132
Originally Posted by FarmhouseGal
Hi Jessica2 - I gave up asking or trying to help my AH long ago. I was driving myself crazy and probably AH too. I agree once (or twice) is enough to talk about different methods of recovery for him. He knows what is out there, he is an adult.
You’re only going to drive yourself crazy, banging your head against the “why won’t he listen to me” wall. I agree with others, leave him to it and keep working on your own happiness, that is something you can control.
Your AH’s sobriety is his and his alone to maintain and pursue. Im a believer that sobriety and true recovery are 2 very different things to achieve. You can’t have one without the other. (read the newcomers forum here, very enlightening)
The 3 C’s -
YOU didn’t cause it
YOU can’t control it
YOU can’t cure it
Al Anon is a life saver for me, I recommend you try a meeting if you aren’t already.
You’re only going to drive yourself crazy, banging your head against the “why won’t he listen to me” wall. I agree with others, leave him to it and keep working on your own happiness, that is something you can control.
Your AH’s sobriety is his and his alone to maintain and pursue. Im a believer that sobriety and true recovery are 2 very different things to achieve. You can’t have one without the other. (read the newcomers forum here, very enlightening)
The 3 C’s -
YOU didn’t cause it
YOU can’t control it
YOU can’t cure it
Al Anon is a life saver for me, I recommend you try a meeting if you aren’t already.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Things still stink with your sober addict, because he is a dry drunk, like everyone said. In the long run, he would be better drinking. This is his gig, what are you doing being a partner in this alcoholism dance? Are you going to alanon meetings or seeing a therapist? There are always 2 sides to each story, keep getting yourself healthy, and maybe he will want what you have.
Hugs and congratulations that he is sober!!
Hugs and congratulations that he is sober!!
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