sotired77

I've been good and bad, up and down since he moved out. I'm mainly at peace, but I have my moments. He called me last night and he sounded really bad (drunk). He kept rambling about how he wanted to quit but when he tried he would feel withdrawals, so he couldn't. I told him there was help for that and that if he wanted help getting better, I would help him. He actually agreed, and I picked him up from his hotel and took him to the hospital. At the hospital, while we were waiting, he wanted to show me a text from his brother. It looked at the prior "conversation", and he told his brother that he had decided to divorce ME. I saw texts to his sponsor with the same thing. He said I was using divorce to lead him like a carrot on a stick and that he decided to take me up on it. I was so mad at that moment. This was after begging me if he could stay and me feeling so terrible about doing this. I left him at the Emergency Room to wait on his own and went home to bed. Today I still felt angry and motivated. I haven't dropped off the divorce papers with the lawyer, because I just was hesitant and wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing. Today I decided I was, but unfortunately I was so busy that I wasn't able to get to the lawyers office before they closed. Tomorrow will be equally busy. I will have to drop them off on Friday. I felt so upset and angry, but now it's starting to wear off. I'm feeling sad. I'm thinking about all of the good times and about being a family. This is quite over whelming. I want to be done and on the other side already, but it is taking so long. Please help me be strong!

trailmix

Hi sotired, it was nice of you to take him to the hospital.

You have been thinking of all the good times instead of the fact that he called you last night, really, really drunk and you read his texts about wanting a divorce.

Do you see the conflict there?

Don't get me wrong, I totally get it! Been there. It's just not logical and it's really not good for you because it keeps putting you in harms way.

The man you took to the hospital, drunk out of his mind, is the guy you want to be a family with? Where are the "good times" in that?

Can't be, that's the thing, what you want with him and what you can actually have with him right now are two different things. Now if you aren't sure about the divorce, those papers aren't going anywhere, not saying you have to do anything, just saying that you might want to reflect on what you are pondering here.

I don't know if you are in therapy but sometimes it's a really good idea to speak to an independent third party.

How many times have you read here on SR that someone wants their "husband back" the man they married or the man he was 7 years ago. Well, that is 100 % understandable. Who wouldn't want that, but that is not what you have, he's gone, he's busy drinking, it's horribly sad, it's like having your husband stolen by a bottle of whiskey.

Anyway, that is the reality. I hope you will stay strong because you do need to protect yourself.

Wombaticus

When you are deep in the situation, you've just got to keep wading your way through it. A quick fix won't make it easier, as we won't learn the lessons.
Can I suggest you block his number? His recovery is not your responsibility - including driving him to the hospital. Taking steps like that might be sending a signal to him that you are still invested in his recovery. I would bet my bottom dollar he will be in touch during his detox/treatment. Have you set your boundaries?
If you can't block his number/block contact, ask yourself : why? Are you hoping for him to say : yes, you were right, I'm sorry? If so, you could be waiting a long time. I've come to the conclusion that I may never get an acknowledgment of the pain alcohol causes me, despite me not being the drinker. I am confident that my perceptions of my pain are accurate.
Take some time out from communicating with him FOR YOU.
This stuff is hard.

Bekindalways

Kudos to you for coming here to post.

Some folks keep a list of the bad things the A has done recently. They read it when they start remembering the good times. That recent drunken call and the texts about divorce would be good things to put on the list. This is him now; the good things, I'm assuming, were awhile ago.

Let us know how you get on and take care of yourself.

dandylion

sotired…….One thing that helps, a lot.....take a paper and write a list of all of the most painful episodes during the drinking part of the marriage. AND, write how bad it felt at the time. Carry that list with you, everywhere. Everytime your brain starts doing the selective recall.....read the list and remember what those episodes made you feel like...or, what damage they did. You might have to read the list a dozen times a day.....that is o.k. It works.
I did that after a really, really bad break up, once....until the paper was almost in shreads...lol....

Remember that is pretty normal to feel sad...even for those who want and need the divorce, badly.....
It is normal to feel sad and grieve the loss of any kind of dream lost.....
Just because one feels sad doesn't mean that it is not the right thing to do.....

Apparently, anger is a pretty strong motivator for you...use it. It may not take you very long to get a good surge of it....because the statistics are on the side of him drinking, again, shortly after he returns from detox. All that the detox does is to get the person's blood alcohol level down to zero, safely, and relatively comfortably. While that is a good and necessary good step...it does little to prevent the person from picking up, again....For that, they need immediate support.....like daily AA meetings and close connection with their sponsior,,,,and, even rehab, if they will do it....

HeadEast

This is good.

FarmhouseGal

hopeful4

I am so sorry this happened to you. I can only say, this is who he is. Do you want a life like this? I know you don't. When they show you who they are, believe them.

Sending you huge hugs.

sotired77

Thank you everyone. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I took him to the hospital because I still support sobriety. He is the father of my children and if I can help in any way with his recovery I will do it. I do want my kids to have a sober father who is involved in their lives. The difference was this time taking him to the hospital didn't feel like "life of death". I didn't feel this huge sense of relief, like I have in the past. I simply felt like I was helping him out.

It's hard because, except for the drinking, we were a really solid couple. He had been sober for 7 months up until this relapse 2 weeks ago. Prior to that he had intermittent sobriety for up to 2 years at a time. Unfortunately, the addiction feels like it is just too much. I have started a list as suggested by Dandy. I will try to remember why it got to this point and I will read it when I'm getting weak. Thank you trailmix, for letting me know that it's ok to hang on to those papers a little longer, until I am truly ready. I know each day will be easier. I really wish I could go no contact, but we have kids and there are things we have to talk about to separate the things we own together. I will simply take it one day at a time. Thank you all for helping me through this.

Bernadette

From Dandy: Just because one feels sad doesn't mean that it is not the right thing to do.....


So so so so true...a good reminder.
Taking a moment to identify and separate a big sticky ball of feelings and just name them really helps.

hang in there sotired77 (((hugs))))
Peace,
B.

Amaranth

so tired

it does take a really long time ..... just knowing this and accepting it means you can move through it one day at a time. If you can, try taking a few days "off" from contact. I understand how hard it is to go no contact when there are kids involved and any stretches of time that you can fit in without any contact will help you to regain your clarity.

Leaving or him leaving is not a quick fix, it's just the beginning of the next part of the story.

Eat well, rest well and muster your strength for the road ahead

Hawkeye13

I second Amaranth's idea of a "No Contact" break for you as a much-needed respite.

I am worried that the detox discharge planner will try to send him to your home, and that he will push for that too.

You realize that's a terrible idea for both of you I hope?

sotired77

This is a long update. AH came out of the hospital pretty quickly, and went right back to work. It seemed he was staying sober. In the mean time, he was constantly texting me updates and calling me. It was annoying, but I was trying to be compassionate and so did the nice thing and always replied/answered. He has a new place and has been trying to furnish it. He wanted to see the boys yesterday since it is his day off, but they were at my mom's house. I told him he could pick them up from her house and bring them home and I would meet him at the house as I was on my way back from work. It should have only taken him 30 minutes to get to the house, but I came home and there was no sign of them. I waited and waited, until another 30 minutes passed, and then I called my son. He said they were lost, but it looked like they were now on track...30 minutes later, still no sign of them, and I called my son again...they were still lost but now were going the right way. I started to full on panic. What if he was not bringing them home? What if something were to happen to them? I started crying uncontrollably, fearing the worst. I called my son 15 minutes later. He told me they were close (just down the street). It seemed like forever before they finally walked through the door. All in all it took almost 2 hours for them to get home. My AH explained that he got lost. His thought was that the medications they gave him at the hospital were affecting his concentration. He said he wasn't drinking, and he didn't seem drunk, just kind of slow. I was feeling so upset that I physically hurt. I cried and let it slip to my AH that I missed him, and that this was really hard for me. I think I was secretly hoping he would ask for another chance. He simply told me that things would get better. He got some stuff and left. I felt sad but also exhausted since I haven't slept in days. I ended up going to bed early. As thoughts were swirling in my head and I was trying to get to sleep, I got a text message from him. I was having a hard time readying it but I think it said he was a bad person and didn't feel any remorse. There was more in the text, but I couldn't tell what it said because there were so many misspellings. I know from experience that when I can't read his texts, it's because he is drunk. It gave me such a sick feeling that I simply replied that I was sad to hear that he felt that way and to please not text me or call me for a while. Then I blocked his number. I am not someone who would ever block anyone, much less him, but I felt no guilt or sadness over it. I simply felt relief and actually got a little sleep.

This morning, my son got a call from AH asking me to call him if I wanted. Well, I didn't want to! I spent the day getting things done for my kids (got them hair cuts, took them to music lessons, and we went out to lunch, etc). Never once did I feel like calling him, and it was actually a pleasant day. When we got home, to my horror, he was there in the drive way. And guess what? He was drunk! You cannot imagine my anger. We talked for a bit once I calmed down and he said he wanted a second chance. I told him we will see 6 months from now, but for now he needed to take care of himself and stay in his new place and keep his distance. He started talking about how this same thing happened to his uncle (his uncle was an alcoholic who went into deeper depression/addiction after his wife left him, and then he died). I told AH that his uncle died because of his drinking, and there was nothing his wife could have done to save him. I then had to drive him back to his place since he was in no condition to drive. He'll have to come back tomorrow to get his car. UGH! The only good thing that came of it was that I asked him to give me back the key that to the house. Also, my sons will never get in the car with him again unless I have soberlink. This is so hard!!!!!!

Wombaticus

I'm not surprised you can't sleep with all of that going on. It can't be easy to think straight. It sounds exhausting, but that you are doing well to keep things as normal as possible for your kids.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.

FeelingGreat

OMG Sotired, what a horror show. You really deserve that break from him now. I'm wide-eyed about why he thought asking you for another go-around while actually drunk would be a good idea.
I second you regarding not letting him drive your sons. Even given he wasn't drunk the first time, he was obviously stupefied enough to get lost for an hour.
Glad you're out of the chaos for a while.

dandylion

sotired…...I believe that I mentioned, before, how anger seems to be a good motivator for you......it is for some people (including me)...keep using that justified anger for your own advantage. Anger can help keep us from settling into a kind of helpless passivity in overwhelming situations.
I suggest that you keep your list of all the worst things that have happened as a result of his drinking...and, read it every time you feel weak in the knees. You might have to read it a dozen times a day.

lol....I am as wide-eyed as FeelingGreat….about you wanting him to ask for a second chance.....while actually drunk. I think that signals how afraid you are of facing any change (all of us humans tend to resist change)….and, how much you crave to return to you "comfort zone"....even if you comfort zone is on the edge of Hell.....
sotired…..nothing in this world stay static, forever...even if it seems like it will, sometimes....Chang is gonna come...and, we do best when we accept that and make friends with changes as much as we possibly can.....
without willingness to make Necessary changes...there can be no progress....

By the way,,,I think that phrase "second chance" is an interesting one---he has probably had a million chances...as most alcoholics have...but, they always call the next one that they are asking for a "2nd chance".....LOL.....

trailmix

Yes, a "second" chance right now isn't going to serve you well but I absolutely get it! You needed comfort and there was your Husband, the only thing is he can't actually comfort you.

He didn't reply because even in his drugged state at that point he knows it's not a good idea. It's hard on you, it's hard on the kids but it's also hard on him.

Maybe not for the same reasons.

If he were to come back today, nothing will have changed. He will still be drinking and you will still be not wanting him too. Somewhere, he knows this.

Now what his plans are, whether to give the sobriety can a kick or to just keep on drinking, who knows, but either way it's not good for YOU and the kiddies right now. He just spent two hours getting the kids home from a place he's driven from how many times? That's dangerous stuff right there. The only saving grace, and this is a stretch, is that he was so mellow from the drugs he didn't panic.

I'm so glad you aren't going to let them get in the car from now on without soberlink, however if he is continuing to take the drugs as well, they won't register and that's another consideration, perhaps at least a video call in this situation is in order, or you may have to drive them everywhere they need to be so you can assess the situation if he is involved (which is what I would do, for what it's worth). You have an alcoholic with a prescription for drugs now.

I'm sorry all of this is going on sotired, it's horribly stressful for you. Just remember though, you are in charge here, of the children's safety and your own. He doesn't get to call the shots. Please don't wear yourself ragged ferrying the kids around when it's convenient for him. He is not a second party really, right now. I think you will find it much less stressful if you look at it that way and make things convenient (and safe) for those you can care for.

Hang in there.

FarmhouseGal

Mango212