California123

Been a while since I've been on here, things have passed with my ex fiance and we have moved on. No contact at all in well over a month. A little over a week ago, the craziest thing happened to me.

I decided to get on a dating app, as I am ready to move forward completely. Of all things, right away I matched up with what I felt was a one in a million woman. She lived a couple hours away, BUT, grew up less than an mile from where my family has had a beach house since I was very young. She wasn't still right there, but close. This is in the middle of NOWHERE! I spent my entire life having adventures there, as has she. We both surf, and seem to have everything in common. She was also a successful athlete, as was I. She's younger, in mid/late 20s while I'm 42.

Last weekend, I went to help my parents with a bunch of intense yard work (solo, they are older!). After a super long day, we went to a nearby coastal town to have dinner. While at dinner, I had 2 drinks. I know this is hearsay, but I literally rarely drink, I probably average about 6-8 per month, and sometimes much less if at all. Well, at dinner I ran into an old friend, a female. She asked me to hang around some, and I told my parents I'd get an uber home, about 15 miles. We caught up, and before I knew it, I was super buzzed. She bought a couple shots, which I haven't done in years! I think I was excited to be hanging out with a female, quite frankly. After about an hour, she took off to go back to her hotel where her boyfriend was (apparently she had a little spat with him). So here I was, solo, and flying high for sure!

I decided to stay at the bar for a bit, and had a few more drinks. Terrible decision. Lo and behold, around 10 pm, sitting just down from me is the girl from the dating app who I had never met. She was with a friend! So of course, I walk up, introduce myself, and proceed to talk her ear off for 20 minutes. Was an absolutely terrible first impression, I was drunker than I had been in 20 years, since college. I returned back to my seat and a few minutes later, I left. I had to really get out of there I wasn't feeling good at all.

I sent her a message the next day, apologizing for being so long winded and also explained that I rarely drink and don't get drunk like That! At least it's very, very rare and never visibly drunk. She never replied, and 2 days later I noticed she unmatched our connection on the app.

I can't get over how dumb I was by doing that, and the incredible irony of the situation. I have no way to contact her to at least try to advance something that never even got off the ground. Only option I think would be to send her a message on Facebook, but that could come off as a little weird and desparate, which im not trying to do. Plenty of women on here, would that be a bad idea? But in general, wanted to share the story as it is truly a kick in the gut and I really messed up!!!!

Bekindalways

Argh California, that sucks. Weird for you to be on the opposite side of the situation.

Live and learn I suppose . . . yet another reason to be wary of alcohol.

suki44883

Yes. I'm sorry all that happened, but it did. She made the decision to cut off contact, so please, respect her decision.

NotSure2020

I second this. You need to respect her decision.

trailmix

Oh that's too bad! Oh well, maybe you will run in to her again somewhere.

Yeah, unfortunately you can't really contact her on FB now.

I assume you mentioned you had seen her on the app and that you had so much in common? Please correct me if I'm wrong.

If that did happen, it might have freaked her out, she may have even thought you tracked her down (since this place is in the middle of nowhere and she hasn't moved far). Because the odds of it happening the way it did are so very remote!

You know what I mean?

California123

Yes, makes sense. But we had "matched up" and had some conversations online for a couple days after, and I ran into her 3 or 4 days after that. Running into her was extremely odd and that in and of itself could have been a bit of a shock to her, as I don't think she realized I frequented the area still. But i did mention that pretty heavily during our early convos, to make it a point that i wasnt as far away as what i indicated in the app. Could have been a great meeting, had I not been obviously drunk! Such a terrible look ever, let alone the first time meeting someone, especially by chance. Talk about regret--maybe I'll run into her again but given how rural it is, it's highly unlikely. I get everyone's point about respecting her decision, at the same time I feel like it could be worth at least 1 more shot with a message. Hard not to but I guess I'll just let it go and maybe the higher powers might line us up at a future time!

Ariesagain

I’ve been wondering how you were doing, thanks for the update.

You know, one of the hallmarks of codependency is thinking we’re responsible for everything, especially anything that goes “wrong.” It’s entirely possible her going offline has nothing to do with your encounter? Maybe she met someone else, maybe she got fed up with online dating, maybe she’s sick or snowed under at her job, maybe she’s back together with an ex...etcetera etcetera.

So, hey, not a bad lesson to learn, but try not to assume you wasted your very last chance at happiness and it was ALL YOUR FAULT. (You understand I’m exaggerating to make a point, right? )

Take good care of yourself and maybe take some time off before trying to get back in the dating scene? You’ve been through quite a bit, yes?

California123

You very well may be right, but I'm thinking it's pretty cut and dry in this case! Regardless of the exact reason i did a really dumb thing. Who knows though. But thank you for wondering how I'm doing--all in all solid but going thru the expected loneliness, the unknown answers to things, and trying to bounce back well. No real good answer on the dating thing, great possibilities dwindle with age at this point. Gotta at least have 1 foot in the ring!

FallenAngelina

See our current thread on "I'm too old."

I'm way older than you are and got back into dating 5 years ago - was astounded by how many people are also looking to mate again in their later decades. Dwindling possibilities is just a belief, it's not "true." There are as many available, possible women as you are open to meeting, there is absolutely no such thing as a cap on possible mates, even though many people believe such a thing. A willing heart is all you need in order to open the floodgates of "possible."

velma929

I lost count of the men who ghosted on me. Meh - bored with current partner and looking for greener pastures, married and flirting (though often the code words for 'married' were "looking for someone open-minded.")

I would say, -do not try to contact her - since she's made it clear she wished to go no further, you don't want her reporting unwanted contact to the dating site. That would be bad.

You really do not get a second chance to make a first impression. The irony is rich, though.

AnvilheadII

maybe a refresher on what DATING is all about would be helpful. consider it like shoe shopping - if the shoe doesn't fit the first time, we don't usually go back to the same pair and try to ram our foot in there thinking maybe THIS time the fit will be better.

you met ONE person on a dating app. you had an unfortunate encounter with this one person, and she chose to discontinue any further communication. end of story.

for all you have been thru with your ex and her DRINKING, you can surely understand how your drunken self must have come across to this young lady? then the requisite follow up apology - i really don't drink that much and almost never get drunk like that......

what if it had been reversed? if you were at the bar, maybe sipping a soda with lime while talking to your friend, and then spied the dating app woman drunk as a skunk and she comes up and rambles on and on, swinging off your neck? what would your impression have been? and if she sent you some long apology, but you decided - uh NO - and de-matched her? would you want her tracking you down thru some other means and trying again to contact you???

i'd suggest slowing your roll on the dating thing. give yourself some time and space. get solid and stable.

FallenAngelina

THIS

One month of no contact after an intense relationship involving addiction isn't nearly enough time to be ready for another relationship - in my experience and with every person I've ever observed. I'd ask you to consider whether this quasi-mania/weirdness/uncharacteristically drunk/wacky synchronistic meeting has nothing to do with irony and everything to do with the fact that you're just not yet ready to dive into a new relationship.

I'd like to think that drinking isn't verboten over on this side of the forum - after all, most of us do not have a drinking problem and alcoholic beverages can periodically be part of a normal, fun and genuine evening with friends. But getting uncharacteristically blasted in the company of a woman friend, just because she offered, has to tell you something about where you are right now emotionally. It's not that drinking is heresy in this section, it's that we are well aware that getting sloppy drunk (not just tipsy) is always an indication of some deeper unrest. So I'd encourage you, not to feel ashamed, but to use this experience as an opportunity to slow down and think more about what's going on for you emotionally right now. A new woman would indeed initially feel great to have in your life, but are you truly ready and stable enough for a new relationship, should you click with someone while dating? You kinda shortchange yourself of your own inner development if you jump right back into involvement with a shiny new person.

dandylion

California......I am going to go out on a limb and propose another possibility...just a possibility.....maybe, in that mysterious world of "chemistry"...maybe, she just didn't feel any chemistry with you...whether you be intoxicated, or not.
It m ight be possible, that, she wouldn't have felt the "chemistry", even if you had been sober?
Who can explain chemistry? I don't know anyone who can nail it down, very effectively. But, it is powerful and we know it when we feel it...or not....
I think, that, when we are in the dating game...it is a chemistry crap shoot!

Even if things went well, in the bar...it may be, that an in person date might have revealed, to you, something that would be a deal breaker for you.....
When dating, there can be some disappointing false starts....

A true story....
Ever since I first started reading National Geographic, in my youth...I dreamed of finding an anthropologist to feather my love nest. You know the type...so intelligent and adventuresome...and with blue eyes and sunburned arms and just a little bit or premature greying at the temples.....
Well, it came to pass, when I was back in the dating game after divorcing....that I met and dated two....2!!….within a 6 month period.
boy, did I ever learn a lesson!
They were, both, of them...s uch a disappointment, on closer contact. One seemed so arrogant and controlling, that I told him, in the middle of the date ...at an upscale, fancy restaurant...that I was going to call a cab for myself and leave.
The other one....I just didn't feel any good connection to.....just didn't live up to my expectations....

Dating is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you are going to get...lol....

Bekindalways

[QUOTE=FallenAngelina;7378777]

" One month of no contact after an intense relationship involving addiction isn't nearly enough time to be ready for another relationship - in my experience and with every person I've ever observed. I'd ask you to consider whether this quasi-mania/weirdness/uncharacteristically drunk/wacky synchronistic meeting has nothing to do with irony and everything to do with the fact that you're just not yet ready to dive into a new relationship. "

Heya Calif . . . .I'm coming down on the side of Fallen here. It is recommended to alcoholics seeking sobriety that they go a year of not drinking before getting into a relationship. Maybe you don't need to wait that long but one month of no contact is so so short. I don't know your entire story but many of us had lots of healing to do before starting a new relationship.