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Old 02-06-2020, 06:52 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I may have said this before, but as a fellow Type A, I highly recommend meditation. I started doing this after I was injured and couldn’t sit down without severe pain for a year and my physical therapist recommended it.

I have had really good results with the Headspace app, particularly the course called “Acceptance.” I learned a lot about myself with that one.

I am never going to be great at getting my busy little brain to get off the hamster wheel for long, but working on it through meditation is something I really wish I had known about much earlier.

I always feel better afterwards, so there’s that!

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Old 02-06-2020, 09:47 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I struggled with a lot of guilt once my XrAH got sober. I gave him an ultimatum, he got sober/went to rehab/worked a program. Everything I had asked for when I told him one last chance. But then I realized that i was probably beyond help as far as our marriage was concerned, too much hurt for too long and my feelings had totally changed, as in I had very few. When an alcoholic does his recovery right he or she will change, they will grow up finally and act their age. But I too had to change to get away from that codependency and with that change I realized I could not see myself with him longterm and that I just didn’t love him anymore. We had both changed and for me we were no longer compatible. It took me a lot of therapy to be ok with that. That those were my feelings and that’s what mattered. Not what I would do to his feelings. I needed to do what was right for me, not for him and also learned to not care so much about how other people might view me for wanting out after he got sober. The ones that judge me are the ones that know nothing about addiction and what I lived through. The ones that know me will not judge me.
You are working in you and finding a new you so to speak, you are working your program (whereas it is still questionable if he really is) and improving yourself and realizing everything that you have been missing out on, things for you that make you happy. And you know what, if this new you is no longer compatible with your old or your new H (presuming he really seeks recovery) than that is ok. Life is too short to not think about what makes you happy. And whether your H gets sober or not has very little to do with it. You may realize how confined you felt in your marriage and now enjoy all this freedom and relatively stress free life. And if that is the case that is ok. But you may also realize that if he truly does get sober the right way, that you are still compatible despite everyone changing. Only time will tell. And it may take longer than 6 months. You don’t have to file or not file after 6 months. But it is a good first deadline and then you can decide where to go from there. If he is really sober and actively working his recovery you may decide to move back in. Or after 6 months he hasn’t really done or accomplished much but you are not ready to call it quits. You may need more time to see how it evolves. There are no concrete rules about this other than that you need to do what is best for YOU. Your kids will survive a potential divorce and soon they will be out of the house (relatively speaking 10-15 years isn’t a lot versus anther 40-50 years with your spouse). Can you see yourself with you H once it is just the two of you? (Rhetorical question). I know I couldn’t and I also knew I couldn’t fake until we may or may not make it. And the last thing I wanted to do is stick it out until our kid is out of the house only to realize then that i would still want to split and have wasted 10 years of my life,
So all this is just food for thought obviously. Everyone and every relationship is different. You don’t have to make any permanent decisions today or even 6 months from now. Whatever time you need to figure out what you need. But don’t stay with him because you feel obligated or sorry for him. Do what’s best for you.
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