Update but how do you deal with the anger?
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Update but how do you deal with the anger?
Hi everyone.
It's been forever since I was here posting but I've checked in now and then to keep up with reading.
Deep breath.
I realized, just today, that it was almost 3 years ago that I had posted (in 2017) about my suspicion that my AH had started smoking pot instead of drinking. It was true, even though he vehemently voiced that I was "imagining" it all in my head (usual drivel) and that I was thinking up reasons to be upset with him. Sure. The empty bags that used to hold pot? Yes, clearly, I have a vivid sense of creativity and made it all up.
Some of you will remember there were issues with my daughter and him and over the past years. They still have not spoken a word to each other - even when she moved out. He still asks me, even a few weeks ago: "what did I do to deserve /that\ treatment from her!" I've gotten to the point where I just shut him down immediately and let him know that I have no desire to repeat answering the exact same question that I've already answered hundreds of time. Alcohol clearly effects the brain.
It's been 6 months since she's moved out.
6 months I've been alone with him and he's been off contract and here 24/7. There have been nights I've been concerned. Since he smokes pot every single day now when he gets home from work.
It's been a hellish year with the games. So far? His addictive tendencies have stuck to the pot but........... he's using a lot more so I'm seeing the sliding scale increasing. I do fear that at some point, it's going to change. He's lost ridiculous amounts of weight even though he's been eating regularly and is ill with things he refuses to go see the doctor about.
In lieu of all that?
I've spent the last year learning how to focus on me. I've managed to find a quiet part time job that I can do from home that somewhat flies under the radar and have been able to put away enough to run when I'm ready. So there's that.
And I've met a few very good friends who have taught me more how to love myself. But it's still a huge struggle. The truth is, I still need to get out of here but I'm sitting on the fence still. I keep thinking, how much money is enough? Can I do this? Where do I go? How do I get out of my etc etc etc.. many of you have gone through the same financial questions. And the big one I have, do I stick it out and see how sick he gets? (Yeah, I know how that sounds.. but I still think it now and then.)
But I do have a question to ask.
I'm more centered on me.. but I'm still dealing with a ton of self confidence issues and belief that I can do anything I set my mind to. I really am fumbling here but it's a work in progress. The issue I'm having is the anger.
He just has to say a word wrong and my insides are screaming. It's like having a panic anxiety attack where your chest tightens up and you just sit on a boiling pot of screaming how water and do nothing. And I know it's effecting my health. How much stress can you put yourself through? We can be in the car together and he'll yell at another driver and it will take me days to recover from it. I'll tighten up so hard that I can barely breathe. It hurts. Just the wrong look from him and it does it too. I'll catch him glaring at me when he thinks I'm not looking and it just sets the panic feelings through me like waves. Doors slamming and loud banging sounds still drop me right back into that head-space. When it's not panic or fear it shifts to very strong anger.
I'm wondering how those of you who have had to stay in similar positions have been able to deal with that anger. I realize its unfounded to some extent. I'm angry with him in the room. I'm furious if he comes to make a coffee and I'm trying to have mine in the kitchen. How can I be mad if he comes upstairs to make a cup of tea and walks past me? But I do. I just boil and I feel my insides screaming to run over and rip him to shreds. Maybe it's years of just sitting on my emotions out of fear and not being able to express things when he went off the deep end. I don't know. He's even gotten mad at me in return and said things like, "You don't have to be so MEAN to me you know!" And I just break out in hysterical laughs inside like I've gone crazy suddenly. At first I tried to explain the reasons why I was angry but then he just denied my accusations and told me I had mental problems and wasn't remembering right. ("I could have NEVER done that!")..
So.. I have a plan in place (kinda).. it's a plan even though it changes now and then. My daughter is going to need financial help for a while longer and I wont be able to help if I leave. I just want to make sure she's okay and been on her own long enough so that I can start thinking of what I want to do. The sicker he gets? The more I wonder, "can I stick this out? hmmm".. but I do realize that's a very risky gamble that could cost me another 10 years of my life and then suddenly realizing how much time I wasted when I could have been living. I'd love to move out now but I don't think I have quite enough put aside as a nest egg. But again, maybe I do and I'm just sitting on the fear. I don't know. I'm still processing that but at least I'm thinking about it now and trying to write it down and make this plan.
So anger..
What do you do to deal with it?
Wendy.
It's been forever since I was here posting but I've checked in now and then to keep up with reading.
Deep breath.
I realized, just today, that it was almost 3 years ago that I had posted (in 2017) about my suspicion that my AH had started smoking pot instead of drinking. It was true, even though he vehemently voiced that I was "imagining" it all in my head (usual drivel) and that I was thinking up reasons to be upset with him. Sure. The empty bags that used to hold pot? Yes, clearly, I have a vivid sense of creativity and made it all up.
Some of you will remember there were issues with my daughter and him and over the past years. They still have not spoken a word to each other - even when she moved out. He still asks me, even a few weeks ago: "what did I do to deserve /that\ treatment from her!" I've gotten to the point where I just shut him down immediately and let him know that I have no desire to repeat answering the exact same question that I've already answered hundreds of time. Alcohol clearly effects the brain.
It's been 6 months since she's moved out.
6 months I've been alone with him and he's been off contract and here 24/7. There have been nights I've been concerned. Since he smokes pot every single day now when he gets home from work.
It's been a hellish year with the games. So far? His addictive tendencies have stuck to the pot but........... he's using a lot more so I'm seeing the sliding scale increasing. I do fear that at some point, it's going to change. He's lost ridiculous amounts of weight even though he's been eating regularly and is ill with things he refuses to go see the doctor about.
In lieu of all that?
I've spent the last year learning how to focus on me. I've managed to find a quiet part time job that I can do from home that somewhat flies under the radar and have been able to put away enough to run when I'm ready. So there's that.
And I've met a few very good friends who have taught me more how to love myself. But it's still a huge struggle. The truth is, I still need to get out of here but I'm sitting on the fence still. I keep thinking, how much money is enough? Can I do this? Where do I go? How do I get out of my etc etc etc.. many of you have gone through the same financial questions. And the big one I have, do I stick it out and see how sick he gets? (Yeah, I know how that sounds.. but I still think it now and then.)
But I do have a question to ask.
I'm more centered on me.. but I'm still dealing with a ton of self confidence issues and belief that I can do anything I set my mind to. I really am fumbling here but it's a work in progress. The issue I'm having is the anger.
He just has to say a word wrong and my insides are screaming. It's like having a panic anxiety attack where your chest tightens up and you just sit on a boiling pot of screaming how water and do nothing. And I know it's effecting my health. How much stress can you put yourself through? We can be in the car together and he'll yell at another driver and it will take me days to recover from it. I'll tighten up so hard that I can barely breathe. It hurts. Just the wrong look from him and it does it too. I'll catch him glaring at me when he thinks I'm not looking and it just sets the panic feelings through me like waves. Doors slamming and loud banging sounds still drop me right back into that head-space. When it's not panic or fear it shifts to very strong anger.
I'm wondering how those of you who have had to stay in similar positions have been able to deal with that anger. I realize its unfounded to some extent. I'm angry with him in the room. I'm furious if he comes to make a coffee and I'm trying to have mine in the kitchen. How can I be mad if he comes upstairs to make a cup of tea and walks past me? But I do. I just boil and I feel my insides screaming to run over and rip him to shreds. Maybe it's years of just sitting on my emotions out of fear and not being able to express things when he went off the deep end. I don't know. He's even gotten mad at me in return and said things like, "You don't have to be so MEAN to me you know!" And I just break out in hysterical laughs inside like I've gone crazy suddenly. At first I tried to explain the reasons why I was angry but then he just denied my accusations and told me I had mental problems and wasn't remembering right. ("I could have NEVER done that!")..
So.. I have a plan in place (kinda).. it's a plan even though it changes now and then. My daughter is going to need financial help for a while longer and I wont be able to help if I leave. I just want to make sure she's okay and been on her own long enough so that I can start thinking of what I want to do. The sicker he gets? The more I wonder, "can I stick this out? hmmm".. but I do realize that's a very risky gamble that could cost me another 10 years of my life and then suddenly realizing how much time I wasted when I could have been living. I'd love to move out now but I don't think I have quite enough put aside as a nest egg. But again, maybe I do and I'm just sitting on the fear. I don't know. I'm still processing that but at least I'm thinking about it now and trying to write it down and make this plan.
So anger..
What do you do to deal with it?
Wendy.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
The truth is, I still need to get out of here but I'm sitting on the fence still. I keep thinking, how much money is enough? Can I do this? Where do I go? How do I get out of my etc etc etc.. many of you have gone through the same financial questions.
build a budget. on what you have and owe right now. that is the only way you will know what it costs to pay for your current situation. then you can run the numbers for options when you move. i'm not sure of your housing situation, if you rent or own. if you own and both of you are on the mortgage, that needs some serious consideration. but the only way you will KNOW is to get it all down on paper....or Excel.
now regarding your anger. HONOR it, LISTEN to it. it is there for a reason. look deep inside, listen for the inner voice. it has a message.
build a budget. on what you have and owe right now. that is the only way you will know what it costs to pay for your current situation. then you can run the numbers for options when you move. i'm not sure of your housing situation, if you rent or own. if you own and both of you are on the mortgage, that needs some serious consideration. but the only way you will KNOW is to get it all down on paper....or Excel.
now regarding your anger. HONOR it, LISTEN to it. it is there for a reason. look deep inside, listen for the inner voice. it has a message.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by WendyLew 
I'm wondering how those of you who have had to stay in similar positions have been able to deal with that anger. I realize its unfounded to some extent.
The issue isn't your anger, the issue is your self recrimination of your anger.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
How much stress can you take? If you are asking that - that is your answer.
You obviously have no support from him, so you are going this alone (in the relationship). He has not been working so I assume not contributing financially? If not, then what, financially are you concerned with?
Do you have friends or family you can move in with while you find your grounding and decide how to proceed? Even to take a break for a week while you formulate a plan.
The anger? Detach, detach, detach (from whatever he is up to).
You obviously have no support from him, so you are going this alone (in the relationship). He has not been working so I assume not contributing financially? If not, then what, financially are you concerned with?
Do you have friends or family you can move in with while you find your grounding and decide how to proceed? Even to take a break for a week while you formulate a plan.
The anger? Detach, detach, detach (from whatever he is up to).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 8
AnvilheadII
This actually helped this morning: now regarding your anger. HONOR it, LISTEN to it. it is there for a reason. look deep inside, listen for the inner voice. it has a message It very much ties in with what FallenAngelina has said. So thanks to both of you..
Thank you both for that as it's given me some thoughts to process today.
And yes, a budget seems like a good place to dig my heels and and work on.. Sometimes I don't see the trees in front of me even though I'm standing in the middle of the forest.
Trailmix: *detach detach*.. that's a plan in progress..
At this point, no... there's no family or friends I can move in with. I've been over it with just about everyone I know and it's a space issue. The financial issues are just dealing with the existing loans and mortgage - he's financially paying most of the bills as I've been hiding my income for a while now to nest egg up. Ah yes, he's working.. it's just "contractor contracts" that move him away from the area that I meant. Sorry about that. He's working in the business location now in town and therefor here 24/7 instead of being gone for a month at a time out of town and then home briefly. (which was keeping me sane all these years with the ability to stick it out.). He's been home now for some time so things are ramping back up stress wise again.
With him here, it's creating problems of getting away but its not impossible. I'll look into that.
Detach detach and embrace and learn..
A few things to chew on.. thanks!
This actually helped this morning: now regarding your anger. HONOR it, LISTEN to it. it is there for a reason. look deep inside, listen for the inner voice. it has a message It very much ties in with what FallenAngelina has said. So thanks to both of you..
Thank you both for that as it's given me some thoughts to process today.
And yes, a budget seems like a good place to dig my heels and and work on.. Sometimes I don't see the trees in front of me even though I'm standing in the middle of the forest.
Trailmix: *detach detach*.. that's a plan in progress..
At this point, no... there's no family or friends I can move in with. I've been over it with just about everyone I know and it's a space issue. The financial issues are just dealing with the existing loans and mortgage - he's financially paying most of the bills as I've been hiding my income for a while now to nest egg up. Ah yes, he's working.. it's just "contractor contracts" that move him away from the area that I meant. Sorry about that. He's working in the business location now in town and therefor here 24/7 instead of being gone for a month at a time out of town and then home briefly. (which was keeping me sane all these years with the ability to stick it out.). He's been home now for some time so things are ramping back up stress wise again.
With him here, it's creating problems of getting away but its not impossible. I'll look into that.
Detach detach and embrace and learn..
A few things to chew on.. thanks!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
It sounds like you are feeling a bit stronger today Wendy, that's great!
Your post brought a couple things up I'd like to touch on. First of all I wanted to comment on the level of anxiety you are experiencing. It's awful. I've been through that "inability" to breathe and the increased startle reflex etc. I endured it for years. It got progressively worse, eventually devolving into me experiencing several unprovoked panic/anxiety attacks a day. I had to be medicated just to function. The stress of being in a dysfunctional marriage to an addict had put my cortisol levels (that's the hormone that regulates your fight or flight responses) through the roof. I was a mess and getting worse. For me, the only way to stop that progression was to leave him. That's not everybody's answer, but it was definitely the right solution for me. I've not had another panic attack, nor any problems with anxiety, since living apart from him the past six years. I breathe freely every day... and every day I am so very thankful that I no longer have what felt like steel bands squeezing the breathe (and life) out of me.
I have heard it said that anger is a secondary emotion. We use it to protect ourselves from our primary emotions like fear and pain. Just another little something for you to chew on.
Also, you mentioned that you are helping out your young adult daughter financially now that she is out on her own. Is it at all possible that the two of you could be "room mates" for a little bit while you both get your feet on the ground? As a mom to two young adults myself, I understand there are lots of reasons why that might not be feasible, I just wanted to throw it out there.
Hang in there! It's good that you are formulating an exit strategy should it become necessary. I hope you stick around and keep talking with us.
Your post brought a couple things up I'd like to touch on. First of all I wanted to comment on the level of anxiety you are experiencing. It's awful. I've been through that "inability" to breathe and the increased startle reflex etc. I endured it for years. It got progressively worse, eventually devolving into me experiencing several unprovoked panic/anxiety attacks a day. I had to be medicated just to function. The stress of being in a dysfunctional marriage to an addict had put my cortisol levels (that's the hormone that regulates your fight or flight responses) through the roof. I was a mess and getting worse. For me, the only way to stop that progression was to leave him. That's not everybody's answer, but it was definitely the right solution for me. I've not had another panic attack, nor any problems with anxiety, since living apart from him the past six years. I breathe freely every day... and every day I am so very thankful that I no longer have what felt like steel bands squeezing the breathe (and life) out of me.
I have heard it said that anger is a secondary emotion. We use it to protect ourselves from our primary emotions like fear and pain. Just another little something for you to chew on.
Also, you mentioned that you are helping out your young adult daughter financially now that she is out on her own. Is it at all possible that the two of you could be "room mates" for a little bit while you both get your feet on the ground? As a mom to two young adults myself, I understand there are lots of reasons why that might not be feasible, I just wanted to throw it out there.
Hang in there! It's good that you are formulating an exit strategy should it become necessary. I hope you stick around and keep talking with us.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
Wendy- I have been where you are. Even the pot smoking, only difference is my AH has smoked it for over 30 years and still drinks everyday. I have had all those feelings and thoughts. I would sit on the couch with him and would chant in my head “leave leave leave” thinking somehow my AH would hear me and just magically disappear lol. I thought I was going crazy. My anger was consuming me. I didn’t know how to manage it or even understand what was happening to me. Sometimes I had good reason to be mad and other times any reason I could think of. Being honest, this wasn’t fair to my AH (yes, I said it) I was to blame too, I had a role in the chaos that was our life. When I began researching and reading about alcoholism I finally had words for it, codependent and an enabler (that’s a hard pill to swallow)
We’ve been separated about 5 months now, maybe 2 months in, that anger slowly started unraveling from my every thought. Detachment is a wonderful tool. I found this much easier to do while living apart. Al Anon and SR helped me tremendously. Setting good boundaries and keeping them set. Realizing it was time for me to be in charge of me. In my case, the best step I ever took was taking this time apart.
I wish you good luck, keep planning and do lots of self care!
Perhaps you could begin a new hobby you’ve been thinking about? Walking is a good way to release stress...and it’s free
We’ve been separated about 5 months now, maybe 2 months in, that anger slowly started unraveling from my every thought. Detachment is a wonderful tool. I found this much easier to do while living apart. Al Anon and SR helped me tremendously. Setting good boundaries and keeping them set. Realizing it was time for me to be in charge of me. In my case, the best step I ever took was taking this time apart.
I wish you good luck, keep planning and do lots of self care!
Perhaps you could begin a new hobby you’ve been thinking about? Walking is a good way to release stress...and it’s free
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Are there any house-sitting opportunities near you? Somewhere to stay for a few weeks to decompress?
Read codependent no more by melody Beatty. I found some of that useful - has stopped me feeling responsible for some behaviours such as you described - AH yelling in the car.
I've worked in health for a very long time and seen the end stages of alcoholism. Its not pretty. You need to separate his health from your decisions. You are not responsible for him going to the doctor. Doesnt mean you abandon him completely, but even if he died, that wouldn't completely solve your problems.
Keep a journal if you can - a password protected word doc is good. Ive been able to see that whilst one incident in isolation may be me overreacting, many over 6 months is not. Becoming the narcissist's nightmare is another good book to understand the gaslighting.
Keep writing here. X
Read codependent no more by melody Beatty. I found some of that useful - has stopped me feeling responsible for some behaviours such as you described - AH yelling in the car.
I've worked in health for a very long time and seen the end stages of alcoholism. Its not pretty. You need to separate his health from your decisions. You are not responsible for him going to the doctor. Doesnt mean you abandon him completely, but even if he died, that wouldn't completely solve your problems.
Keep a journal if you can - a password protected word doc is good. Ive been able to see that whilst one incident in isolation may be me overreacting, many over 6 months is not. Becoming the narcissist's nightmare is another good book to understand the gaslighting.
Keep writing here. X
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Anger...even rage. Very toxic emotion. You need to exit stage right if you can’t develop coping strategies to detach and stay in a peaceful place... no matter what he does or says.
I work with the chronically homeless and I suggest going tiny in an rv... cheap living and very freeing. Less to care for and you can buy a used travel trailer or rent one for very little... a fraction of a house.
you need your peace of mind and serenity to thrive ... if you child is out of the nest and needs help get a futon and welcome her to tiny living.
Eject! Eject! Eject!
I work with the chronically homeless and I suggest going tiny in an rv... cheap living and very freeing. Less to care for and you can buy a used travel trailer or rent one for very little... a fraction of a house.
you need your peace of mind and serenity to thrive ... if you child is out of the nest and needs help get a futon and welcome her to tiny living.
Eject! Eject! Eject!
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Hopeworks
Anger...even rage. Very toxic emotion.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My first sponsor's wise words: if you want to build self-esteem you must take "esteemable" actions. You're on the right track, but as long as you choose to remain in this situation the rage will continue. Alanon changed my life and I recommend it.
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