OMG what next? Feeling totally utterly beaten
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
RB, I am actually glad to hear you say this. Yes, you do need to cut the cord and I don't feel you will ever have peace until you do. Fingers crossed you get the financial help you deserve. Sending lots of support and a big hug your way!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Yes, I am going to ask Womens Aid if they can help me with fixing new locks on the doors - currently it’s a door that needs a key to lock it, it doesn’t latch every time it’s closed. The amount of times my kids come and go - they never lock it so it’s nearly always open during the day.
He will just walk in and shout “hello!” without warning. I could be anywhere - in my pyjamas or on the loo! Yesterday I was doing my makeup sat at my dressing table and he walks past the door and says “oh there you are!” he doesn’t care.
He will just walk in and shout “hello!” without warning. I could be anywhere - in my pyjamas or on the loo! Yesterday I was doing my makeup sat at my dressing table and he walks past the door and says “oh there you are!” he doesn’t care.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You’re being manipulated and bullied.
It’s time to tell them all, including your children, that this is your house and unless they have specific permission from you to have someone over...ANYONE...they’re not welcome.
Your ex walking in while you’re vulnerable gives me chills. That arrogant sense of entitlement? That’s stalker territory.
Get out that chainsaw, yes? And by all means, lean on whatever help you can get from Women’s Aid.
It’s time to tell them all, including your children, that this is your house and unless they have specific permission from you to have someone over...ANYONE...they’re not welcome.
Your ex walking in while you’re vulnerable gives me chills. That arrogant sense of entitlement? That’s stalker territory.
Get out that chainsaw, yes? And by all means, lean on whatever help you can get from Women’s Aid.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yes, your children need to be on board with this as much as you do. It's about respecting space.
My child told me over the weekend how my XAH usto come into the house after school before I got home and eat our leftovers. I had no idea. Rediculous. He had food, shelter, and money. There was no excuse for this.
I let him store a few things in the garage after we split. After he got that out ( I set a day that he had to have it done by) I had a talk with him and explained that it's no longer his home and he could not just be coming in whenever he wants. After that conversation, I changed the locks. It all went fine and now I don't go in his house, and he does not go in mine, unless either of us invites the other in.
I made a post about it years ago, but I will never forget after we had split, we had already agreed to everything and it was in process, just not final yet. I heard a noise early in the morning, I was sure someone had broken in. I heard it from the bathroom. Low and behold, I pull the shower curtain back and there he was in my bathtub! I could not believe it. I asked him what he was doing there, and he said he just wanted to take a bath in that tub. Good grief. I put a stop that that too LOL. It about scared me to death!
Oh the memories.
You will get through this, I promise!
My child told me over the weekend how my XAH usto come into the house after school before I got home and eat our leftovers. I had no idea. Rediculous. He had food, shelter, and money. There was no excuse for this.
I let him store a few things in the garage after we split. After he got that out ( I set a day that he had to have it done by) I had a talk with him and explained that it's no longer his home and he could not just be coming in whenever he wants. After that conversation, I changed the locks. It all went fine and now I don't go in his house, and he does not go in mine, unless either of us invites the other in.
I made a post about it years ago, but I will never forget after we had split, we had already agreed to everything and it was in process, just not final yet. I heard a noise early in the morning, I was sure someone had broken in. I heard it from the bathroom. Low and behold, I pull the shower curtain back and there he was in my bathtub! I could not believe it. I asked him what he was doing there, and he said he just wanted to take a bath in that tub. Good grief. I put a stop that that too LOL. It about scared me to death!
Oh the memories.
You will get through this, I promise!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
omg - this is so very far from anything "normal" or respectful. Total disregard for your feelings and privacy.
Here is an example. The first time I divorced it was amicable enough. There was no big fight that ended the marriage etc, just years of fighting lol
We lived together for another few weeks or a month until he found a place and (peacefully) left.
He never, ever once just showed up and never would do that. I was married to him for a long time, we have a child (who was still underage at the time) and the one time he did need to come by to pick up something (once!) it was scheduled and my Son was with him and I was out of the house.
How he and your children don't have any boundaries here is amazing and troubling for you. I can imagine you just going about your day and he appears. Never mind his ignoring common sense boundaries - that is bordering on traumatic. If I had my ex appearing out of the blue all the time - I don't even know how I would handle that from an emotional point of view.
Well I do really, this would not happen because those locks would be changed so fast! I always lock my doors, even when I am home, always have, it's a habit and I check them regularly too (not in OCD fashion, I just glance at the deadbolts lol). This can be made a habit for you and your children. It's a good safety measure. Twice I've had someone come to my door and try to open it when I'm in the living room (both times they meant to go to the neighbours house), so truly it's not safe. Not that either of these people meant harm but can you imagine that happening?
Time to put up some defenses here, for you and your children.
Here is an example. The first time I divorced it was amicable enough. There was no big fight that ended the marriage etc, just years of fighting lol
We lived together for another few weeks or a month until he found a place and (peacefully) left.
He never, ever once just showed up and never would do that. I was married to him for a long time, we have a child (who was still underage at the time) and the one time he did need to come by to pick up something (once!) it was scheduled and my Son was with him and I was out of the house.
How he and your children don't have any boundaries here is amazing and troubling for you. I can imagine you just going about your day and he appears. Never mind his ignoring common sense boundaries - that is bordering on traumatic. If I had my ex appearing out of the blue all the time - I don't even know how I would handle that from an emotional point of view.
Well I do really, this would not happen because those locks would be changed so fast! I always lock my doors, even when I am home, always have, it's a habit and I check them regularly too (not in OCD fashion, I just glance at the deadbolts lol). This can be made a habit for you and your children. It's a good safety measure. Twice I've had someone come to my door and try to open it when I'm in the living room (both times they meant to go to the neighbours house), so truly it's not safe. Not that either of these people meant harm but can you imagine that happening?
Time to put up some defenses here, for you and your children.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Reading all these replies are really making me think... he DOES have a load of stuff stored in my garage too!!!!!! 😬😬😬😬 I forgot about that.
he said he had no room and I stupidly offered when we were moving.
here is the irony. I’m living in a 4 bed rented house with 4 children the dog cat and guineapigs. He lives alone in a small but still - three bedroom house with two spare bedrooms and a big garden shed.
I feel so determined to sort this out!!!! It’s going to get messy 😩
he said he had no room and I stupidly offered when we were moving.
here is the irony. I’m living in a 4 bed rented house with 4 children the dog cat and guineapigs. He lives alone in a small but still - three bedroom house with two spare bedrooms and a big garden shed.
I feel so determined to sort this out!!!! It’s going to get messy 😩
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by RainingButtons 
I feel so determined to sort this out!!!! It’s going to get messy
You know how dandylion says sometimes that picturing your defense as a bubble surrounding you is helpful - that can come in to play here.
Or think of yourself, standing there, there is a wall between you and him. On your side are you and your plans to keep you and your children safe. On the other side is him. He can't cross that wall. Anything he says in protest bounces back at him because you aren't listening.
There is nothing he can say, do, make up, dream, put forth that makes what he is doing right - nothing. It's just wrong, period.
So, stay on your side of the wall through all this. State your case. Tell him you are getting organized here. He will need to move the things out of your garage to his shed by February 20th (or whatever is convenient for you). You are changing the locks because the kids are not keeping the doors locked and that's not safe.
He must never come to your house without calling first.
He might protest, he might be a bit hurt, he might argue, doesn't matter, you have your wall and those words are bouncing back. Do not let him in, don't let him hurt you (because that is exactly what he is doing).
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by trailmix
He might protest, he might be a bit hurt, he might argue, doesn't matter, you have your wall and those words are bouncing back. Do not let him in, don't let him hurt you (because that is exactly what he is doing).
I only say this because you have so many times before eluded to his depression and your fears of it. He uses this to manipulate you. This kind of "stuff" worked on me for years, it made me so very sick with worry and anxiety. It kept me in check. It prevented me from growing stronger and from moving forward. It was hard for me to learn not to be influenced by his BS. my AXH is still alive and using those kind of threats on other people now... but he is still breathing (and drinking)...I know you are growing so much stronger RB... I am cheering you on in a way only someone who has been where you are can understand.
You sound so strong RB. Please stay that way and don't let him push on the weak spots like he is so good at doing.
I'm so proud of you Sister... stay strong. *hugs*
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I sent a very simple text and said, I need your items out of the garage by X date as I am rearranging and need the space myself. If they are not out of the garage by that date, I will have to donate because I cannot store your things any longer than that.
Worked like a charm. He was pi$$y that I said that, but I really did not care at that point. I had to do what was good for myself and my kids, not him.
Worked like a charm. He was pi$$y that I said that, but I really did not care at that point. I had to do what was good for myself and my kids, not him.
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