My husband walked out of our marriage 2 years back, will be come back?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 5
My husband walked out of our marriage 2 years back, will be come back?
I am a recovering alcoholic and have been clean and sober for 1 year and 4 months now. During this time I have been religiously working the 12 step program with my sponsor. I got married in 2010. I was always a problem drinker. However my downward spiral started in 2015 and I hit rock bottom in Nov 2017 - that’s when he walked out.
He used to love me a lot (he chased me for 10 years to get married) and was very supportive about me getting help. However, I relapsed over and over -and our fights got ugly, physical and verbal abuse, suspicion etc. he used to warn me every time and he couldn’t take it anymore.
when he moved out he said he will reconsider coming back if I stayed sober for 1 whole year. Even after he left I tried my best but relapsed. However, after Nov 2018 I have been sober.
I really miss him a lot. He won’t meet me and won’t talk to me. Our messages don’t go so well. I have said sorry million times, changed my ways and thinking so that I can be a good wife. But he is still angry with me. He says this marriage is over and he cannot live with me anymore. He talked divorce but haven’t done anything yet.
Now I try best not to bother him. But my heart breaks. I miss him and want another real chance. He says he is done. I just turned 40, financially independent, have a decent job.
I wanted to ask - is there a possibility that he will change his mind and come back? Please tell me if there is anything I can do?
Your suggestions are something I am keenly looking forward to. Thank you.
He used to love me a lot (he chased me for 10 years to get married) and was very supportive about me getting help. However, I relapsed over and over -and our fights got ugly, physical and verbal abuse, suspicion etc. he used to warn me every time and he couldn’t take it anymore.
when he moved out he said he will reconsider coming back if I stayed sober for 1 whole year. Even after he left I tried my best but relapsed. However, after Nov 2018 I have been sober.
I really miss him a lot. He won’t meet me and won’t talk to me. Our messages don’t go so well. I have said sorry million times, changed my ways and thinking so that I can be a good wife. But he is still angry with me. He says this marriage is over and he cannot live with me anymore. He talked divorce but haven’t done anything yet.
Now I try best not to bother him. But my heart breaks. I miss him and want another real chance. He says he is done. I just turned 40, financially independent, have a decent job.
I wanted to ask - is there a possibility that he will change his mind and come back? Please tell me if there is anything I can do?
Your suggestions are something I am keenly looking forward to. Thank you.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
Hello, Rose. Welcome to SR. Congratulations on your sober time...that is fantastic!!
I'm afraid we cannot answer your question as to your husband coming back. Anything is possible, and the fact that he hasn't yet filed for divorce might be a positive sign. However, him having been gone for two years might mean that he has made a new life for himself. We just don't know what might happen.
Question. Did you get sober for him, or did you do it for yourself? If it happens that he does file for divorce, is your recovery sufficient that you won't again pick up a drink? This is something I think you must consider.
Again, welcome to SR, and I hope you will read around the forums and post often. I am glad you are here.
I'm afraid we cannot answer your question as to your husband coming back. Anything is possible, and the fact that he hasn't yet filed for divorce might be a positive sign. However, him having been gone for two years might mean that he has made a new life for himself. We just don't know what might happen.
Question. Did you get sober for him, or did you do it for yourself? If it happens that he does file for divorce, is your recovery sufficient that you won't again pick up a drink? This is something I think you must consider.
Again, welcome to SR, and I hope you will read around the forums and post often. I am glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
Originally Posted by Rose12345 
and our fights got ugly, physical and verbal abuse, suspicion etc
As for your Husband, as suki mentioned, it's impossible to say. The fact that he doesn't want to talk makes it pretty difficult.
Have you considered just focusing on your own life for now. Finding out what you want to do? What are your interests?
You mentioned that your fights got physical. Physical violence is never ok (neither is verbal abuse) sounds like both were involved here.
There is a book that is often recommended here, Codependent no More by Melody Beattie. I'm not saying you are codependent by the way! The book has a lot of valuable information in it about boundaries etc in relationships though, that you might find interesting.
How is your life now? What are you doing? Have you built a social circle, do you have activities or groups you are involved in? Just maybe thinking that less focus on him and more on yourself might widen your horizons and make you more content with you life just as it is?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Rose.....Welcome. You ask if there is anything you can do to make he come back....or, if he will even come back..... You acknowledge that you have been sober since Nov. 2018.
My honest answer to that is "I don't know".
Honestly, it sounds like it was pretty bad...with physical fighting and verbal abuse. You have been sober just over one year...and it takes longer than that to build back trust, after it has been broken. You acknowledge that he has witnessed lots of relapses, in the past....and, relapses are really painful for the non-alcoholic partner.....
While one year of continuous sobriety is a major victory for you...it really is!....but, as you must know, in AA......lifelong sobriety is a life-time journey...and it can take a few more years to make the kinds of changes in thinking and attitude and behaviors that are the hallmarks of Genuine sobriety.
Living a sober life means being able to accept life on Life's terms. Life's terms can be tough for all of us....alcohol or not...."Do Overs" are not guaranteed, in life.
For many marriages, there is simply too much water under the bridge....even marriages where there is no addiction involved.
When you ask if there is anything you can do....I can say only this----Don't badger him about coming back. Respect that he has free will and that you have no control over if he would want to come back or not.
Most important of all...keep remembering that your sobriety cannot depend on what another person may or may not do.
Whether he comes back or not---you still have life to live...and, there is joy to be had in living a sober life.....
I wish I could give you the answers to the questions that you are asking...but, you must know...deep inside...that it is impossible for any of us to know the answers.....
***I can suggest that this would be a subject to take up with your sponsor or step group......
My honest answer to that is "I don't know".
Honestly, it sounds like it was pretty bad...with physical fighting and verbal abuse. You have been sober just over one year...and it takes longer than that to build back trust, after it has been broken. You acknowledge that he has witnessed lots of relapses, in the past....and, relapses are really painful for the non-alcoholic partner.....
While one year of continuous sobriety is a major victory for you...it really is!....but, as you must know, in AA......lifelong sobriety is a life-time journey...and it can take a few more years to make the kinds of changes in thinking and attitude and behaviors that are the hallmarks of Genuine sobriety.
Living a sober life means being able to accept life on Life's terms. Life's terms can be tough for all of us....alcohol or not...."Do Overs" are not guaranteed, in life.
For many marriages, there is simply too much water under the bridge....even marriages where there is no addiction involved.
When you ask if there is anything you can do....I can say only this----Don't badger him about coming back. Respect that he has free will and that you have no control over if he would want to come back or not.
Most important of all...keep remembering that your sobriety cannot depend on what another person may or may not do.
Whether he comes back or not---you still have life to live...and, there is joy to be had in living a sober life.....
I wish I could give you the answers to the questions that you are asking...but, you must know...deep inside...that it is impossible for any of us to know the answers.....
***I can suggest that this would be a subject to take up with your sponsor or step group......
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Congrats on your sobriety! I will talk to you about my experience from your husband's shoes so to speak. I was with my XRAH for 16 years. He had quit several times but it never lasted. In 2014 things got out of control and he actually drove home completely wasted and I was livid, we had a talk and he said he realized he could never drink again and quit. I had suggested a program but he wanted to try and to it on his own again. He quit for 13 months but was basically a dry drunk, still depressed, always tired and grumpy and not much fun to be around. I now know that stopping drinking is only a very small part of getting sober but didn’t know it at the time. He started drinking again and I realized I needed to let it go until he hit rock bottom because otherwise we would just continue the cycle of me asking him to quit, he quits for a while and the restarts again. What I didn’t anticipate was that I was the one hitting rock bottom about a year after he had started again. I had started doing my own thing, not caring anymore if he came to friends get togethers or not, keeping my kid away from him if I wasn’t there as well, detaching hard but still checking how much he had been drinking especially if we had to go somewhere. I gave him an ultimatum after our last family trip (and after I also spent 2 weeks alone with my kid visiting family and friends which was soooo relaxing ) it worked because as it turns out he had gotten to the point where he felt he could not continue like that anymore he just needed that final push from me I guess. I told him I’d give him one more chance (and meant it) but he had to seek treatment. Long story short he did, went to rehab for 3 months continued with meetings and breathalyzers etc after he came home and overall from a sobriety standpoint he was doing well. And even though I told him I would give him one more chance I didn’t realize that I was probably done when I confronted him. I had suffered too much, too much resentment and my feelings for him had just changed a lot those last 2 years. And for me it was simply just too late, he wanted very badly to continue the marriage as he loved me a lot. But he just didn’t (and still doesn’t judging from some of the passive aggressive post on his FB) understand how much his alcoholism and emotional unavailability had affected me and for me I couldn’t get back from that. 2 years after he went to rehab we were divorced. He is still sober and he isn’t a bad person at all. But he has changed and so have I and the two for me at least no longer compatible. I’m pretty sure he resents me for not being able to move past it but after having put up with his shenanigans and lack of emotional involvement and affection for many years, there is a point when it is too late.
Unfortunately, just like we cannot make people stop drinking and get sober, there is nothing you can do to get him back. It sounds like you haven’t had much contact for 2 years so chances are he has moved on (and that doesn’t necessarily mean that he has moved on with someone else, he just has moved on from the life he could no longer tolerate ). He knows you are sober so if he had any inkling towards reconciliation he would likely have acted on it. Or may be he just isn’t ready at this point to make a decision either way. Maybe he wants you to have more time sober to really see if it sticks. As hard as it is, you are just going to have to let it go and continue to focus on yourself. Since he hasn’t filed for divorce yet he may just not be sure about what he wants. I don’t know if he has gotten help for himself but I know i did a lot of counseling for the 2 years since rehab and I needed every bit of it to help me figure out me and my ways of dealing with people and myself. He simply may not be at a point where is is ready to jump back in. If he is still angry my guess is that he has not done any counseling for himself which is unfortunate as it would probably benefit him to get past all of this. But I will also say that even though I don’t hate my ex counseling actually helped me get out of the codependent trap and realize that I did not want continue with my ex. That it was ok for me to be done regardless of whether he was an alcoholic or not.
I don’t think it would be unfair to ask him why he doesn’t want to file for divorce if he is done with the marriage. Because then at least you know he is done for sure and you can both work through the grief and move on. At this point you’re hoping he will come back as he hasn’t filed for divorce and I think that’s probably not really fair to you either. And truthfully, if he is still angry with you after two years, you probably don’t want him back really, not unless he is working through that anger. You have more than likely grown in your recovery and he is still angry. Doesn’t sound like a person you’d want to be with at this point.
Unfortunately, just like we cannot make people stop drinking and get sober, there is nothing you can do to get him back. It sounds like you haven’t had much contact for 2 years so chances are he has moved on (and that doesn’t necessarily mean that he has moved on with someone else, he just has moved on from the life he could no longer tolerate ). He knows you are sober so if he had any inkling towards reconciliation he would likely have acted on it. Or may be he just isn’t ready at this point to make a decision either way. Maybe he wants you to have more time sober to really see if it sticks. As hard as it is, you are just going to have to let it go and continue to focus on yourself. Since he hasn’t filed for divorce yet he may just not be sure about what he wants. I don’t know if he has gotten help for himself but I know i did a lot of counseling for the 2 years since rehab and I needed every bit of it to help me figure out me and my ways of dealing with people and myself. He simply may not be at a point where is is ready to jump back in. If he is still angry my guess is that he has not done any counseling for himself which is unfortunate as it would probably benefit him to get past all of this. But I will also say that even though I don’t hate my ex counseling actually helped me get out of the codependent trap and realize that I did not want continue with my ex. That it was ok for me to be done regardless of whether he was an alcoholic or not.
I don’t think it would be unfair to ask him why he doesn’t want to file for divorce if he is done with the marriage. Because then at least you know he is done for sure and you can both work through the grief and move on. At this point you’re hoping he will come back as he hasn’t filed for divorce and I think that’s probably not really fair to you either. And truthfully, if he is still angry with you after two years, you probably don’t want him back really, not unless he is working through that anger. You have more than likely grown in your recovery and he is still angry. Doesn’t sound like a person you’d want to be with at this point.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Rose,
Welcome to SR and congratulations on your sober time!! That is an amazing accomplishment!
The only thing you can do is continue to lead a sober and healthy life--for yourself. Whether or not your husband returns is something that no one can predict or forsee. I am sorry, and I know you miss him and are in pain over this.
You and he both deserve happiness. Whether it is together or apart, I don't know. I hope you will continue to live each day the best that you can and will continue to work on you so that you can, someday, be a great partner. For your husband or maybe for someone else down the road.
Please take good care!!
Welcome to SR and congratulations on your sober time!! That is an amazing accomplishment!
The only thing you can do is continue to lead a sober and healthy life--for yourself. Whether or not your husband returns is something that no one can predict or forsee. I am sorry, and I know you miss him and are in pain over this.
You and he both deserve happiness. Whether it is together or apart, I don't know. I hope you will continue to live each day the best that you can and will continue to work on you so that you can, someday, be a great partner. For your husband or maybe for someone else down the road.
Please take good care!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
what if....you respected HIS choice instead of trying to force what you want him to choose? you are sober today, which is spectacular, but over time he likely flat ran out of staying power. dealing with and living with an active alcoholic really takes a toll on the partner - it becomes all consuming (no pun intended) and the partner deserves the right to break free and just be done with it all.
continuing to contact him when he has made his choice quite clear is not demonstrating a respect for his boundaries, his healing, his life.
you too have a full life ahead of you. let this not be an impediment or a distraction. stay devoted to your recovery, grow, learn and thrive.
continuing to contact him when he has made his choice quite clear is not demonstrating a respect for his boundaries, his healing, his life.
you too have a full life ahead of you. let this not be an impediment or a distraction. stay devoted to your recovery, grow, learn and thrive.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 122
Hugs to you. Well done on keeping sober, it must have been tough to do so but check you out!
I wish I could say there was a magic word which would bring someone back into a relationship. I wish I could tell you that the story I heard about an estranged alcoholic husband reunited with his wife after 5 years will happen to you. Sadly I cannot. I warned my ABF several times that trust is like a vase full of water; each time you break my trust a crack appears on the vase. After so many cracks the vase will break and I cannot tell you how many cracks that will take. I think your relationship with your husband is like the broken vase. I might be wrong here. Have you spoken to him face to face?
I wish I could say there was a magic word which would bring someone back into a relationship. I wish I could tell you that the story I heard about an estranged alcoholic husband reunited with his wife after 5 years will happen to you. Sadly I cannot. I warned my ABF several times that trust is like a vase full of water; each time you break my trust a crack appears on the vase. After so many cracks the vase will break and I cannot tell you how many cracks that will take. I think your relationship with your husband is like the broken vase. I might be wrong here. Have you spoken to him face to face?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Rose, no matter what happens now, you have done an amazing thing in being sober for 16 months. It's not easy, I know from experience, and you must now appreciate the benefits of sobriety to yourself, quite apart from your marriage.
Although you've tried, your husband has given you clear indications that your marriage is over and maybe your next step is to move on yourself, as well as maintain your sobriety. You're in a great place otherwise, and there are wonderful people and things in the world you are yet to meet.
Can I suggest that instead of chasing your ex, you initiate the divorce? Hurtful though it will be, it will also empower you to start the new phase of your life, and give you strength. Sobriety is everything for you so take whatever support you can find during the process.
Show respect for your ex's wishes but also respect for yourself.
Although you've tried, your husband has given you clear indications that your marriage is over and maybe your next step is to move on yourself, as well as maintain your sobriety. You're in a great place otherwise, and there are wonderful people and things in the world you are yet to meet.
Can I suggest that instead of chasing your ex, you initiate the divorce? Hurtful though it will be, it will also empower you to start the new phase of your life, and give you strength. Sobriety is everything for you so take whatever support you can find during the process.
Show respect for your ex's wishes but also respect for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Rose
When I finally quit drinking, I had lost a house, a business, all my animals and a 14 year relationship.
Today I am rebuilding my life with the help of God.
It is normal to grieve a lost relationship, sooner or later. Let yourself grieve, and let yourself live.
We are here to help you.
When I finally quit drinking, I had lost a house, a business, all my animals and a 14 year relationship.
Today I am rebuilding my life with the help of God.
It is normal to grieve a lost relationship, sooner or later. Let yourself grieve, and let yourself live.
We are here to help you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 5
Thank you everyone for the kind messages. I want to continue being sober, irrespective of anything. I have been to hell and back, and I will never want to get to that again. For the same, I am everyday working on my recovery, take life as it comes, one day at a time. I have also started service helping female alcoholics who are still suffering.
I have not not contacted him anymore- although I know he is in touch with my sponsor. For now, I am focusing on my work and sobriety. I pray to God for him everyday. Although, I realised in my sobriety that I am basically an introvert. I do not have any social circle at the moment, except I catch up with parents and sister at regular intervals. I talk to my sponsor everyday.
That how my life is now. I hope that he changes his mind, but I am preparing myself to see a life without him. But I do think of him all the time, and it kills me to know how much I have hurt him.
I am learning to trust God and ask for his strength everyday. Once again, I thank everyone for listening and sharing with me.
I have not not contacted him anymore- although I know he is in touch with my sponsor. For now, I am focusing on my work and sobriety. I pray to God for him everyday. Although, I realised in my sobriety that I am basically an introvert. I do not have any social circle at the moment, except I catch up with parents and sister at regular intervals. I talk to my sponsor everyday.
That how my life is now. I hope that he changes his mind, but I am preparing myself to see a life without him. But I do think of him all the time, and it kills me to know how much I have hurt him.
I am learning to trust God and ask for his strength everyday. Once again, I thank everyone for listening and sharing with me.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm very happy for you that you have such a strong recovery program!
If it is something you'd like to change, maybe there are small things you can do to increase your social circle just a bit? I'm an extroverted-introvert, so I understand the need for time alone. I've found that small things like my knit/crochet group, going to the gym, and being involved with my church to be helpful in making connections.
Please take good care, Rose! Don't hesitate to visit SR any time
If it is something you'd like to change, maybe there are small things you can do to increase your social circle just a bit? I'm an extroverted-introvert, so I understand the need for time alone. I've found that small things like my knit/crochet group, going to the gym, and being involved with my church to be helpful in making connections.
Please take good care, Rose! Don't hesitate to visit SR any time
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
Yes, no doubt he was hurt, however you have learned something from this. Why is he in touch with your sponsor?
You have tried to contact him and he doesn't want contact, at least not right now, so you have done all you can there for now.
What do you want out of your life, what do you find interesting? I'm sure finding a new, sober, group of friends can't be easy but it is certainly possible!
If you live in a larger center, there is an online group finder called Meetup where you can be a part of all kinds of meet ups, whether that's just going for coffee or working on your career or working on meeting other people. Board game nights, walking, hiking, travel, there are groups for everyone. The best part is you aren't committed to show up on some schedule, you just drop in and out of groups as you choose. Most are free.
In smaller areas there are groups doing all kinds of things too, just might be a little harder to search out, but have a look at different organizations.
You have tried to contact him and he doesn't want contact, at least not right now, so you have done all you can there for now.
What do you want out of your life, what do you find interesting? I'm sure finding a new, sober, group of friends can't be easy but it is certainly possible!
If you live in a larger center, there is an online group finder called Meetup where you can be a part of all kinds of meet ups, whether that's just going for coffee or working on your career or working on meeting other people. Board game nights, walking, hiking, travel, there are groups for everyone. The best part is you aren't committed to show up on some schedule, you just drop in and out of groups as you choose. Most are free.
In smaller areas there are groups doing all kinds of things too, just might be a little harder to search out, but have a look at different organizations.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
When I was in a similar situation I prayed for the ability to accept and let go. After that it was much easier to move on. Big hug!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Rose12345
Now I try best not to bother him. But my heart breaks. I miss him and want another real chance. He says he is done.
I completely understand that you love this man, but it rather seems as though there is a lot more at stake for you than simply missing him. Whenever we feel as though our life and all happiness depends on another, this is always a signal that we have made that person into something that they can never be - the captain of our ship and the keeper of our emotional well being. A healthy recovery program includes learning about healthy emotional independence within a close relationship. I rather suspect that this issue is erupting in a big way for you right now, a year into your recovery, and that is why you're feeling this overwhelming need for this man. The answer doesn't lie in his return to your nest, nor in his easing your pain of missing him. Whether you ultimately come back together as a couple or not, you need to learn how to be emotionally self sufficient if you want to have a good relationship. Take this time to learn more about sailing your own ship. What you learn now about yourself will serve you no matter what - whether you reunite, whether you eventually couple with someone else, whether you spend some time being single. Going forward in a healthy direction does not involve your husband coming back to ease this emotional pain that you feel right now. That pain is valuable communication from your inner wisdom and that pain is about you, not about him. Listen to it and use it and learn from it as part of your own healthy recovery. Asking your husband to return and do this work for you only detours you on your own recovery venture.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
If anyone understands missing our loved one, it's people who have or do love an alcoholic, so you'll find plenty of empathy among us here. However, part of a healthy recovery program is learning how to not use people as emotional life rafts when our own ship is full of holes.
I completely understand that you love this man, but it rather seems as though there is a lot more at stake for you than simply missing him. Whenever we feel as though our life and all happiness depends on another, this is always a signal that we have made that person into something that they can never be - the captain of our ship and the keeper of our emotional well being. A healthy recovery program includes learning about healthy emotional independence within a close relationship. I rather suspect that this issue is erupting in a big way for you right now, a year into your recovery, and that is why you're feeling this overwhelming need for this man. The answer doesn't lie in his return to your nest, nor in his easing your pain of missing him. Whether you ultimately come back together as a couple or not, you need to learn how to be emotionally self sufficient if you want to have a good relationship. Take this time to learn more about sailing your own ship. What you learn now about yourself will serve you no matter what - whether you reunite, whether you eventually couple with someone else, whether you spend some time being single. Going forward in a healthy direction does not involve your husband coming back to ease this emotional pain that you feel right now. That pain is valuable communication from your inner wisdom and that pain is about you, not about him. Listen to it and use it and learn from it as part of your own healthy recovery. Asking your husband to return and do this work for you only detours you on your own recovery venture.
I completely understand that you love this man, but it rather seems as though there is a lot more at stake for you than simply missing him. Whenever we feel as though our life and all happiness depends on another, this is always a signal that we have made that person into something that they can never be - the captain of our ship and the keeper of our emotional well being. A healthy recovery program includes learning about healthy emotional independence within a close relationship. I rather suspect that this issue is erupting in a big way for you right now, a year into your recovery, and that is why you're feeling this overwhelming need for this man. The answer doesn't lie in his return to your nest, nor in his easing your pain of missing him. Whether you ultimately come back together as a couple or not, you need to learn how to be emotionally self sufficient if you want to have a good relationship. Take this time to learn more about sailing your own ship. What you learn now about yourself will serve you no matter what - whether you reunite, whether you eventually couple with someone else, whether you spend some time being single. Going forward in a healthy direction does not involve your husband coming back to ease this emotional pain that you feel right now. That pain is valuable communication from your inner wisdom and that pain is about you, not about him. Listen to it and use it and learn from it as part of your own healthy recovery. Asking your husband to return and do this work for you only detours you on your own recovery venture.
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