Sophie9

I could type out a novel but I won't. We've been married over a decade. My husband has always enjoyed drinking, developed a real dependence after a death in his family, and in the last 6 months or so has really ramped up the unacceptable behavior.

I honestly cannot reconcile the unfailingly kind man I married with the man today who gets so out of control. I can't get his words out of my head - calling me foolish and wasteful, delusional, saying I'm looking for reasons to hate him - when I call him out on how he treats me or our child.

For heaven's sake, I'm not looking for reasons to hate him. There are enough already, I don't need more. But I do still love him, for whatever insane reason. I still have hope that if he tried he could turn this around....but that hope gets smaller every day as he refuses to admit he has a problem. After all, either he's sober enough to act like an adult and therefore nothing is wrong, or he's drunk enough that he can't see how insane his words and actions are.

I never thought this would be my life. It blindsided me. So I guess I'm just here to feel a little less alone.

Ariesagain

You’ve come to the right place!

You’re among friends.

ironwill

Sophie,
first off when you come here you will never be alone. We are here to be helpful and lend an ear to a hurting soul. I'm sorry you are having to go through this.

Alcohol is a progressive disease. The longer he has been drinking the worse he will get. I'm sure you have seen this in his actions toward you. Until he is ready to admit that he has a problem it's going to get worse. He can become the husband you married a but that would require him to admit he has a problem and get help. He needs to have a plan and it will take a while to succeed.

You need to have a plan also. You can hope all you want that he will get better, but this is his journey to make and nothing you do will change him.

You have your own journey to make. First you need to be strong for you and you child as you go through these hard times. Right now you need to take it one day at a time. You can do this and like I said you are not alone in this. We are here to help. Keep being strong and have a great day.

trailmix

Hi Sophie, you certainly aren't alone!

Everyone here knows exactly what you are talking about.

I know you aren't looking for reasons to dislike him, he is presenting these to you on a silver platter, no looking required.

Alcoholism affects the body and actually physically and mentally affects the brain, so I understand you looking to find the man you married, right now he's not there. Three things basically need to happen:

1. He has to understand he has a problem/addiction to alcohol and needs help.
2. He needs to go and find that help, be that rehab, AA, celebrate recovery, therapy, or all of those and quit drinking.
3. He needs to find recovery, not just sobriety, recovery. He needs to look at his actions, realize he has an addiction and work to solve whatever is within him that has led him here.

Lashing out at you is pretty much alcoholism 101, attack the attacker.

I would recommend that you read the other threads, keep posting and check out the stickies at the top of the forum, especially these ones found under the Recovery/Classic Reading links:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

It is in your and your child's best interests to learn as much as you can about alcoholism, not so you can fix your Husband (you can't) but so you know what you are facing.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's)

AnvilheadII

when I call him out on how he treats me or our child.

living with active addiction is a deeply stressful and chaotic. as adults we do have some ability to "deal" with it, altho that diminishes over time. but a child has no defense, no body of work or life experiences or education to help make sense of it all. and if the addict is treating the child with hostility, anger, verbal abuse, withdrawal of affection, it can and will be devastating. if that addict is also a parent??? the demoralization and confusion will last a life time.

mylifeismine

Hi Sophie,
Is there an alanon program near you? I don't know how old your child is but
there are alateen programs for them as well. Another option would be
counseling - its critical that your child understand what is happening and
that THEY are not at fault. There is so much to learn about how the
family disease of alcoholism affects spouses and children, and
generations to come by its damaging, dysfunctional and insidious
nature. Please keep reading and posting and if the first alanon
meeting is not a good fit, please don't give up, try another until
you find one that "fits".

FallenAngelina

Most people go through the loss of a loved one without developing a dependence on liquor. The death in the family is not why he is dependent on alcohol. He's alcohol dependent because he is alcohol dependent. It's important to recognize that alcoholism never happens only because life gets difficult.

Sophie9

Thank you all for your responses. I am really trying to come to grips with the fact that I can't control or change his issues. I did some reading last night on detaching with love and I'm going to work on that. I need to get into AlAnon and get our child (age 10) into counseling. I just....part of me worries that I'm overreacting and taking those steps would...I don't know. Set off a hand grenade in our lives, I guess, since he's so adamant that he doesn't have a problem.

He told me last night that he wishes I loved him the way he loves me. What??? On the one hand, it was like a stab to the heart; on the other hand it felt super manipulative.

mylifeismine

"He told me last night that he wishes I loved him the way he loves me. "
This is classic "quacking" (there is a thread in the stickies about it)
and super manipulation to protect his drinking.

Regardless of whether or not he thinks or admits he has a problem,
you and your child do. You might tell him when you are headed to
a meeting if he questions it, that you need help coping with the
effects that alcohol is having in your life. It does not help in the
least to blame him. If he attacks you for getting help that you
believe you need, don't be surprised, don't justify, argue, or defend
yourself, just proceed. You may want to consider care arrangements
for your child that don't rely on your AH. Some meetings allow
children.

These are responses to his criticisms/putdowns/ or anything he says that doesn't make sense that help you detach and begin to change.

https://outofthefog.website/what-to-...3/medium-chill

trailmix

Yes, it is manipulative or at the very least him feeling sorry for himself.

No, you can't change him, he is who he is right now. Imagine the roles were reversed, doesn't have to be alcohol, say you ate to comfort yourself and had gained 50 pounds.

I don't know if you have ever tried to lose weight before, but it's definitely an inside job and impossible to accomplish until you make your mind up that you are going to do this.

Now imagine that he decides to get on board with "suggestions" and "help you". Hey Sophie, you are looking a little pudgy, how about weight watchers? Are you sure you want to eat that piece of pie? Maybe you should have salad tonight instead of potatoes?

How long do you think that would go on before you had reached the end of your rope?

The level of defense in an addict is huge. That alcohol is their best friend.

What he needs is professional help, therapy, rehab, help from others in the same position like AA. But, none of that will help until he is ready to seek that help and it sure doesn't sound like he is.

I only say this to help you reinforce that you are not the key element here, you are not the solution. You can be supportive (as in drop him off at an AA meeting if he asks you to), if he showed any inkling of wanting help of course you would support that, but none of that is happening.

That leaves you to figure out a life that you are comfortable with. If that means leaving him or leaving for a period of time, then that is what you can do.

If you decide to stay on, nothing will likely change, so pretty much your own defense is just getting on with your own life, detaching and carrying on. Living with an unpredictable alcoholic parent is actually damaging to a child, it's a proven fact, so that is, of course, another big consideration.

It's not easy but you will get through this. You have plenty of support here, of course and Al Anon would be a great idea.

LifeChangeNYC

FallenAngelina

If taking steps to find your own serenity would set off a hand grenade in your lives then you really need to take those steps. People who truly don't have drinking problems do not detonate when their loved ones seek spiritual community of support, understanding and education. Any fallout from taking steps proves the need.

Wombaticus

I too, have questioned whether I have over-reacted. The reality is, we wouldn't be seeking out answers and support if all was rosy, or they just had a glass of wine with dinner once or twice a week.
Constant or frequent alcohol use takes them back into their own world, makes them hide full or empty bottles, lose their empathy and become defensive.
It's just not compatible with a loving relationship.

neutronstar

Sophie9

Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement. The weight loss analogy is particularly apropos - I had severe PPD after our child was born and coped by binging, and lost 80 pounds just last year. That definitely helps bring me perspective.

I've decided that I'm ready to live my best life and focus only on what I can control. If he is being harsh or unkind, I have the power to walk away. If he doesn't keep up his end of the chores, I will do them myself, not out of spite or self-pity, but because it brings me happiness to live in a clean and orderly environment. I will get help for myself and our child because I value our mental health.

I am a little nervous about the coming months as my busy season at work is ahead so I will be working longer hours. So I think I will mobilize the family troops and ask them to plan dinners/activities with him and our child; keeping them busy and around loved ones should help.

trailmix

Perhaps detaching a bit would be helpful. His drinking problem is not your problem, well it certainly affects you and your child, but only he can choose not to drink.

You didn't Cause it can't Control it and can't Cure it.

It's interesting that you mention your busy time and work and getting family to pitch in to keep your child and Husband busy.

That's a role of a Mother or caretaker, really you are neither to him?

While I would certainly keep my child busy and involved with family, he is a grown man, surely he can take care of himself?

dandylion

Sophie......you might get yourself a copy of "Co-dependent No More".....it is the most recommended book on this forum. It is an easy read and I think you will find a LOT of it resonating with you!
Also, keep reading the articles in the link that Trailmix gave you in her post.....
there are over 100 of them. Enough for you to read one every single day....
Knowledge is power.

Wombaticus

Just remember its a process, so take it at your own pace.

Nd819

Trailmix, the weight loss analogy really gave me perspective on how futile nagging my AH about his drinking is.

Sophie, sorry what brings you here, I definitely question myself all the time about whether I am over reacting. You are not alone.