Peaches04

Hi everyone! I've been downheartened, but thanks to one of our SR friends, I found my way back.. My AH quit drinking for 30 days, he went past 30, then I went to the North East for business and when i got back...he was full blown again - 5 - 10 beers a night. I just kept thinking that if I can make it through the holidays, make it through the holidays, make it through....without losing it! Well, last night I saw one 6 pack too many, and lost it. I had been sitting and sitting on it for 2 weeks, and I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I said - again (how many times...ugh) "this has to stop!" and told him he was going to have to leave. Same old thing - it's my fault, I'm terrible, I show no support... it was hideous. I actually saw how desperate and out of control he had become... it was like a different side, or a side I had been denying existed. he always seems so in control and together, even when he's drinking... Maybe it was just time for me to see that, or be willing to see that.
Anyway, we both agreed that last night was not the best time to talk about it... so, that's where we left it. No firm agreement or anything. He did call me today very upset, and said pretty much the same thing he said last time he quit drinking....and ofcourse, he's quitting again. Still - he just can not bare to face the fact he's an alcoholic...he just can't get over that hurdle. I told him today at least if he could face it, he could work on it...but, who knows. I do feel better to have finally gotten it out, and I don't regret what I said. Now, I just have to figure out my boundaries and be really clear when we do talk. It's been a terrible couple of weeks.... it's good to be back!

Petunia

Peaches,

Ohh how good it is to have you back. I know I need SR more than ever at the holidays and I have missed your thoughtful, wise, and introspective sharing. For what it is worth - I thought of you as I read this meditation. Maybe your HP has a plan for you that hasn't been revealed or isn't clear just yet.

*************************************
Dont try to force anything. Let life be a deep let-go. See God opening millions of flowers every day without forcing the buds.
--Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

By forcing life, we end up in opposition to living. We can cooperate with the flow of time and gently ride its winds, or we can get old and gray before our day by moving against the eye off the storm. We're finding we are no competition for life. If we meet it as friend, we win although not always by our blueprint.

The more we learn of living, the more we feel, sense, smell, and taste a purposeful rhythm to all existence. In mid-life we have painfully and joyfully come to accept that we are not in charge. We can and do make decisions and choices, but life takes us, we do not take it. A kind of graceful protection carries us through to days and times, lands and shores, lovers and friends that we never dreamed or imagined.

Getting out of the driver's seat of life and trusting that we will be perfectly taken care of is the easiest and hardest of life's lessons, all rolled into one.

Today, let me let go and become a participant in life. Help me stop trying to move life, and let life move me.


From the book Seasons of the Spirit by Sally Coleman & Maria Porter

Peaches04

Hi Petunia!!! How apprapoe of you to send this meditation, given that I spent 1/2 the night crying and praying to God to help me "let go". I thought I had done that last time, but I guess I hadn't. Or I did, but then I grabbed it back, again? I just don't know...but, this mediation couldn't be more appropriate for me right now! I just can not figure out why this "letting go" is so difficult for me... it seems like it would be so seemless and easy, but I just can't seem to do it yet. I am so aggravated and feel like I keep getting "tricked" back into this - although, I know that is an absolutely absurd thought. Oh well, at least I made it back...and I can just suck up all the knowledge and polish what few tools I did manage to acquire.... like typing on this board - that seems to be the only one I have managed to recoup!

Lorelai

(((Peaches)))
My very first boundary was "I'm not going to talk to him about this for a while." I had talked for years and years and it didn't change a thing. I kept trying to get through to him and I finally realized that, if I hadn't gotten through to him yet, I probably wasn't going to do it with more talking.

It is much easier to concentrate on me when I stop going through a debate with him about how he has to stop. The issue isn't whether he stops drinking or not. The issue is you and how you are going to live your life.
Hugs - L

Gracey

I have missed you peaches, I am glad to hear from you

minnie

Welcome back, Peaches. I've missed you too.

We can all do this together.

Love

Minnie
xxx

hadenough

Hi

Have been there and done that over and over. I am told that we can't change the person they have to want to change themself. It is veryt hard to watch someone you love hurt!! As well as allowing to be hurt! I have told my husband if he comes home drunk he will be told to leave and I will change the locks!!! It is called tough love! I wish you luck

DefofLov

You sound so hurt peaches. I do hope you have found some sort of comfort since your post. Just keep working the program and don't feel afraid or guilty if you have to make some decisions for you. *hug*

Peaches04

Thank you everybody! I feel better today - I went to my mother's b-day party with the kids last night - me, my nieces, my kids, and my sisters. We had a great time - it was so nice to not be sick with worry again. I didn't speak to my AH last night about anything - I was jus too tired. I provided myself much comfort when I first started my recovery with the fact that I didn't have to make a decision about anything RIGHT now. But, that concept does not seem to be working for me lately - I do feel like I have to make a decision now or at least, soon. Maybe that's where my thought of just making it through the holidays comes. My sister keeps telling me that we only get one life, and it's not a dress rehearsal. and my cousin, just divorced her dry drunk H, and she's never been happier. She just keeps saying she wishes she would have done it years ago. And my sister also keeps telling me she read a book that talked about 'don't waste away your pretty"...meaning don't stay in a bad relationship too long, I guess - and throw away your young years. So, I keep being inundated with thoughts that I need to end this now - or very soon. Yet, I just keep thinking he will get it together, I guess? When my AH and I talked the night I confronted him - he told me "I'm going through a really hard time right now"...and I just sat in a daze and said "I know - you always are - it never stops, it just never stops..." And those words keep haunting me...it never stops...

Lorelai

(((Peaches)))
I was at the same point as you. I was going through my recovery and I started thinking that I had to get out. The wise people on these boards told me that if I wasn't sure what to do, do nothing. They said that I should stop spending all my time thinking about whether to leave or not and spend my time working on me.

For me, they were right. When I actually asked him to leave, I was ready. I had no doubts. I knew what I wanted for sure. I don't know if that works the same for everyone but, for me, they were right.

There came a time in recovery for me that I didn't need to listen to everyone else's opinion of what I should or shouldn't do. I had my own opinion and that was all that mattered to me.
Hugs - L

cwohio

peaches - welcome back - i feel for you - i had a horrible week last week - ah quit for 7 days (longest in quite a while) and i allowed myself to get so anxious and depressed about problem with withdrawal (has had seizures in past) that i just completely shut down. for some reason i could not let go and let God altho i did a lot of praying and went to my al-anon. well - after day 7 he started back at it again.

i hope you and i get to the point that lorelai and many other wise ones here did and KNOW what is right for us and when it is right for us.

hugs - cwohio

Peaches04

Hi CW!!! Good to hear from you! I'm sorry about your worries... when will we learn not to get anxious and stressed out about things we can not control! I think God is moving on to the "Maximum" size stones for me, if I don't figure this out!
Has your AH ever tried to quit drinking....was that a really big step for him to try? And yes, one day we will be able to give others our advise on how we survived in happiness and peace... hopefully sooner than later!

ASpouse

This thread saddens me so much. There are no deals, no ultimatums. The A either stops drinking or they don't .... it's that simple, or that hard.

Me, well I let go and let my husband drink and drink and drink until he couldn't stand himself, then he asked for help and I refused. I told him to find it himself and he did.

I wasn't going to stand by and watch my kids lose all respect for me and feel sorry for a sick drunk who threw his piteous looks at his kids as if to say "feel sorry for me"! No way ..... absolutely no way in hell.

Karivan

(((Peaches))) Welcome back... :hugehug I was thinking of you today and wondering where you were. I was hoping that things were going well with you but I guess not... I'm so sorry. I guess all we can do is keep working on ourselves and someday something will click. I don't feel very wise these days... just trying to make sense of it all. I guess that's what we're all doing.

I'm glad you're back... you were missed.

OMGdess

Hi! I am new here.... but not too new to the pain. I have been on this roller coaster for 3 1/2 years.... since I married an A. As soon as the ceremony was over my A started passing out everynight in a chair, on the couch, outside, wherever. I was met by a monster when I approached him on the subject of cutting down and then quitting all together. Now I live with Pinochio(sp).... I can't belive a word he says. He has disrespected me in every concievable way. He can not apologize for anything. He knows everything. I no longer trust him. It's no way to live.

He started counseling... for which I was told I should give him mass amounts of credit for... well, he played the "in counseling" "recovery game" for all it was worth for a year. He basically just learned about "slips" and how to manipulate the situation even more. When groups say "take what you like and leave the rest" it seems anything of value is what gets left. He even got perscriptions for Naltrexone... WHICH ABSOLUTELY WORKS FOR DESTROYING URGES TO DRINK. (Doesn't make them sick) He would just not take it!!!!!! Sometimes he would even force himself to drink when he did take it!

As much as I would like to set boundaries.... it seems boundaries are just made to be broken.... Friday, I typed a letter to my A..... he won't to talk to me about anything of consequence to our lives.... I said I wasn't asking him to quit or cut down, that's his decision, but I was going to start a recovery program of my own and I requested that he just do his drinking in the garage. I offered to help him make it comfortable to be out there. I said please. I said it's important to my recovery, please be supportive.

Well, he's right here sitting next to me on his 3rd or 4th Jack Daniels (early in the evening) just as he has been every evening since I asked.

The first evening I asked him if he was not going to be supportive of my recovery?.... He stated he was "going to try to control his drinking".

LOL......I mean LOL!!!!!!!!!!

I said "If you could control your drinking we wouldn't be in the mess we are in now".

My secound boundary attempt was to know what our financial situation is..... I did this during a sober moment... only one or two drinks( that's as sober as it gets here)..... he cut me right off with that one as if it was none of my business! Yikes!!!

This situation will never get better until he has sunk to the bottom of the bottle.... I mean the way low bottom of the bottle...not just losing me.... Possibly nearly losing his own life directly due to Jack Daniels may be the only thing that will make an impact. Unfortunately, If I don't find a way out of this, I may go down with him. So I am trying to get a grip, sort out my bleak options and looking for support. This time I don't want to fall back into the manipulating crap...... here we go again.

Thanks everyone for reading my version of the reality of a life with an A. I have found alot of good stuff here, thanks for that. Hope to make some friends here.

OMGdess

jessieandme2003

Welcome Back, Peaches

Sorry to hear what has happened, but glad you know to come here and to work your program. It must be nice to hear how glad we are to have you to share with.

I agree with the advice of not forcing yourself to know any answers. Give yourself the gift of time, and the answers will come more easily.

We are here, keep talking.

{hugs}

DesertEyes

Heya Peaches :-)

You're doing better than me. Not too long ago I spent _two_ full days and nights doing exactly that.

Well, it's just as difficult for you as it is for all of us. It doesn't really matter _why_ it's difficult, just realize that it is and allow your friends to share the burden with you :-) If we do it together, we can acomplish far more than we can alone.

That's a great tool :-) One of the best :-) So what other tools are you polishing? Have you a sponsor? A home group? Do you read the books and medidation material? Do you have a phone list of people that you call?

Your old seat is still here. It's got your name on it and we've kept it dusted off for ya :-)

Mike :-)

Peaches04

You guys overwhelm me with your generosity of spirit and kindness! I have been back for three days, and I feel as good or better than I did after my first week here, months ago. I've been thinking about what I can do better for me and my kids - I'm getting my old spirit back! I know now that he is really going to have to hit his bottom, and it may take losing me and the kids - but, in reality, that may not even do it. He is 38 years old, and been this way probably since I knew him, when I think about it. It's just that I was young and a bit of a partier myself, so it took me a while to realize it. I hate it, can't stand it, can't over look it, can't deny it away, can't be happy with it. It's time for me to move on - it's just the timing and how you do this that is hard. I'm such a bad communicator I guess - I'm afraid he'll not drink for a while, think everything is okay, and come home one day and I'll go "hi! I'm filing for divorce, ya hungry for dinner?" haha!!! I'm just thinking "baby steps" AND this time I'm actually going to DO the 12 steps...written and everything. Just get ready for my confessions to come.

Petunia

Confession = forgiving ourselves for the things we did or didn't do then letting them go. Confession gives the mind room to breath and add new healthy ideas, concepts, facts, figures, etc. I need to do some confessing too, but it seems less scary when I've got my SR family. Good luck Peaches - there's so much more to life than what most of us have been experiencing up until now. You're on the road....and you're not alone.

Peace - Petunia