Why was I attracted to HER?
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Why was I attracted to HER?
I am so grateful for this forum and all you guys. No matter how long we post on these pages, there is always recovery work to be done.
I am here today to share some experience.
I met a lady at church early in the summer. She served me communion one weekend and I felt a spark. After that I couldn't keep my eyes of her. I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I couldn't quit thinking about her. I would dream about her also.
I asked her out for coffee and dinner with a mutual friend. She was never available. Finally I passed her a note this last weekend inviting her to dinner this coming Friday with other friends.
She called night before last to politely decline, saying she isn't interested in dating. We had a very nice conversation.
I have been thinking a lot about why I was so attracted to someone who is completely unavailable. I have gained a little insight that my late mother had a role in this, who was unavailable emotionally to me her entire life.
I am not saying that my mother was a bad person. She had some wonderful qualities. She was available emotionally to many other people, just not me.
I think attraction is like layers of an onion. Our 'juices" get turned on by underlying dynamics.
Thanks for reading!!!
I am here today to share some experience.
I met a lady at church early in the summer. She served me communion one weekend and I felt a spark. After that I couldn't keep my eyes of her. I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I couldn't quit thinking about her. I would dream about her also.
I asked her out for coffee and dinner with a mutual friend. She was never available. Finally I passed her a note this last weekend inviting her to dinner this coming Friday with other friends.
She called night before last to politely decline, saying she isn't interested in dating. We had a very nice conversation.
I have been thinking a lot about why I was so attracted to someone who is completely unavailable. I have gained a little insight that my late mother had a role in this, who was unavailable emotionally to me her entire life.
I am not saying that my mother was a bad person. She had some wonderful qualities. She was available emotionally to many other people, just not me.
I think attraction is like layers of an onion. Our 'juices" get turned on by underlying dynamics.
Thanks for reading!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2019
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I read things differently. I’m proud of you for politely asking her out. Both attempts were very different... yet respectful— and you went out on a limb to ask her. I see nothing wrong with that. I mean, she easily could have said yes... but whatever the reason, she isn’t dating or whatever. Now the slight obsession (you could say... no offense haha) with her, well... that could be broken down symbolically if you think it’s helpful —but hey, don’t let it drive you nuts. You found her very attractive. You’re human!
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Originally Posted by LifeChangeNYC 
I read things differently. I’m proud of you for politely asking her out. Both attempts were very different... yet respectful— and you went out on a limb to ask her. I see nothing wrong with that. I mean, she easily could have said yes... but whatever the reason, she isn’t dating or whatever. Now the slight obsession (you could say... no offense haha) with her, well... that could be broken down symbolically if you think it’s helpful —but hey, don’t let it drive you nuts. You found her very attractive. You’re human!
She told me she has someone special. Whoever they are, they are damn lucky!!!
Thanks for your kind words, NYC!!!
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Every step we take, no matter how small... to put ourselves out there (while respecting boundaries), to be both brave and vulnerable is admirable! Her answer may have not been what you wanted — but it showed a great deal of strength and compassion, I’m sure in her eyes. You’re a better person because of this.
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Originally Posted by LifeChangeNYC
Every step we take, no matter how small... to put ourselves out there (while respecting boundaries), to be both brave and vulnerable is admirable! Her answer may have not been what you wanted — but it showed a great deal of strength and compassion, I’m sure in her eyes. You’re a better person because of this.
There is someone out there for you who is a wonderful as you are.
Keep doing the work and showing up and they will too--
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Eauch…….The best explanation of why we are attracted to certain people, that I have read is "Getting the Love You Want" by Harvelle Hendrix.....
Harvelle Hendrix (and his wife Helen) is well respected in the field of psychology of relationships. He has written many books over about 4 decades...
In this particular book he explains why we re attracted to certain people...
He and his wife, Helen, developed Imago Theory of Relationships.....
They have spent much of their lives training therapists in Imago Theory for working with couples...…
for anyone who is interested in finding out more about their "picker"...I highly recommend this book......
Harvelle Hendrix (and his wife Helen) is well respected in the field of psychology of relationships. He has written many books over about 4 decades...
In this particular book he explains why we re attracted to certain people...
He and his wife, Helen, developed Imago Theory of Relationships.....
They have spent much of their lives training therapists in Imago Theory for working with couples...…
for anyone who is interested in finding out more about their "picker"...I highly recommend this book......
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Eauch…….The best explanation of why we are attracted to certain people, that I have read is "Getting the Love You Want" by Harvelle Hendrix.....
Harvelle Hendrix (and his wife Helen) is well respected in the field of psychology of relationships. He has written many books over about 4 decades...
In this particular book he explains why we re attracted to certain people...
He and his wife, Helen, developed Imago Theory of Relationships.....
They have spent much of their lives training therapists in Imago Theory for working with couples...…
for anyone who is interested in finding out more about their "picker"...I highly recommend this book......
Harvelle Hendrix (and his wife Helen) is well respected in the field of psychology of relationships. He has written many books over about 4 decades...
In this particular book he explains why we re attracted to certain people...
He and his wife, Helen, developed Imago Theory of Relationships.....
They have spent much of their lives training therapists in Imago Theory for working with couples...…
for anyone who is interested in finding out more about their "picker"...I highly recommend this book......
I just ordered the book from Amazon. After I read it, I'll start a new thread here. Many thanks!!!
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
I agree--you took a risk and you will grow from that.
There is someone out there for you who is a wonderful as you are.
Keep doing the work and showing up and they will too--
There is someone out there for you who is a wonderful as you are.
Keep doing the work and showing up and they will too--
To get a little personal here, I have lived as a celibate for quite a few years; a lifestyle recognized within my faith. I am okay celibate, OR I am okay if I meet someone special. I am not desperate to be in a relationship.
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Originally Posted by LifeChangeNYC
Every step we take, no matter how small... to put ourselves out there (while respecting boundaries), to be both brave and vulnerable is admirable! Her answer may have not been what you wanted — but it showed a great deal of strength and compassion, I’m sure in her eyes. You’re a better person because of this.
Within our faith, she is my sister and that will never change.
Thanks to all of you for being so kind. I always try to be introspective about places I find myself in life, maybe too much so.
You guys have been very kind today.
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Eauchiche
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take quote from Wayne Gretzky superstar professional hockey player
Meaning if you didn't at least try you had zero chance. So ok you took your shot. Maybe you planted a tiny seed & will take time to sprout?
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take quote from Wayne Gretzky superstar professional hockey player
Meaning if you didn't at least try you had zero chance. So ok you took your shot. Maybe you planted a tiny seed & will take time to sprout?
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I met a lady at church early in the summer. She served me communion one weekend and I felt a spark.
do you think that any of the tug or pull came from your shared participation in the Sacrament of Communion, whereby she offered the Host? that is a very holy and intimate transaction.
do you think that any of the tug or pull came from your shared participation in the Sacrament of Communion, whereby she offered the Host? that is a very holy and intimate transaction.
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Probably so, Anvilhead.
I know many Catholics who won’t receive except from a priest or bishop. Only they have consecrated hands.
I suppose the Eucharist should be free of as much mundane stuff as possible, including romantic attachments.
I know many Catholics who won’t receive except from a priest or bishop. Only they have consecrated hands.
I suppose the Eucharist should be free of as much mundane stuff as possible, including romantic attachments.
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It sounds as if you asked her out several times, and just now has told you she has someone?
Y'all have such fancy, high minded explanations.
*sigh* Well, putting on my dating hat...still in pretty good condition because it was never used much...
Scenario #1: She had someone all along and she wasn't sure where it was going. She could have told you she was already seeing someone, which would have stopped you from asking again. I never had a problem saying "I'm married" even when the marriage frankly stunk. You said 'she was never available' so I'm inferring you asked several times.
Bottom line: if she had a man-friend, she could have / should have said something last summer, and saved you the trouble of asking even a second time.
Scenario #2: You're just not her type, and she had trouble coming up with a diplomatic way to say that. And now she actually IS dating someone, or this has occurred to her as her explanation for not going out with you.
Bottom line: she probably still should have let you down easy the second time you asked.
I didn't mind dating, much. I liked meeting people. I hated having to tell someone I didn't want to see him again, especially if he was nice. In fact the nicer he was, the harder it was to come up with the right words.
Y'all have such fancy, high minded explanations.
*sigh* Well, putting on my dating hat...still in pretty good condition because it was never used much...
Scenario #1: She had someone all along and she wasn't sure where it was going. She could have told you she was already seeing someone, which would have stopped you from asking again. I never had a problem saying "I'm married" even when the marriage frankly stunk. You said 'she was never available' so I'm inferring you asked several times.
Bottom line: if she had a man-friend, she could have / should have said something last summer, and saved you the trouble of asking even a second time.
Scenario #2: You're just not her type, and she had trouble coming up with a diplomatic way to say that. And now she actually IS dating someone, or this has occurred to her as her explanation for not going out with you.
Bottom line: she probably still should have let you down easy the second time you asked.
I didn't mind dating, much. I liked meeting people. I hated having to tell someone I didn't want to see him again, especially if he was nice. In fact the nicer he was, the harder it was to come up with the right words.
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Originally Posted by velma929
It sounds as if you asked her out several times, and just now has told you she has someone?
Y'all have such fancy, high minded explanations.
*sigh* Well, putting on my dating hat...still in pretty good condition because it was never used much...
Scenario #1: She had someone all along and she wasn't sure where it was going. She could have told you she was already seeing someone, which would have stopped you from asking again. I never had a problem saying "I'm married" even when the marriage frankly stunk. You said 'she was never available' so I'm inferring you asked several times.
Bottom line: if she had a man-friend, she could have / should have said something last summer, and saved you the trouble of asking even a second time.
Scenario #2: You're just not her type, and she had trouble coming up with a diplomatic way to say that. And now she actually IS dating someone, or this has occurred to her as her explanation for not going out with you.
Bottom line: she probably still should have let you down easy the second time you asked.
I didn't mind dating, much. I liked meeting people. I hated having to tell someone I didn't want to see him again, especially if he was nice. In fact the nicer he was, the harder it was to come up with the right words.
Y'all have such fancy, high minded explanations.
*sigh* Well, putting on my dating hat...still in pretty good condition because it was never used much...
Scenario #1: She had someone all along and she wasn't sure where it was going. She could have told you she was already seeing someone, which would have stopped you from asking again. I never had a problem saying "I'm married" even when the marriage frankly stunk. You said 'she was never available' so I'm inferring you asked several times.
Bottom line: if she had a man-friend, she could have / should have said something last summer, and saved you the trouble of asking even a second time.
Scenario #2: You're just not her type, and she had trouble coming up with a diplomatic way to say that. And now she actually IS dating someone, or this has occurred to her as her explanation for not going out with you.
Bottom line: she probably still should have let you down easy the second time you asked.
I didn't mind dating, much. I liked meeting people. I hated having to tell someone I didn't want to see him again, especially if he was nice. In fact the nicer he was, the harder it was to come up with the right words.
#3 She was married in our Church, is separated and unable to get an annulment.
#4 She is in a same-sex partnership.
Not sure of any of the above.
I agree that it would have been nice if she had mentioned a "friend" or something last summer. That would have put me off the trail immediately.
Thanks for your kind words!!!
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