I just left my AH....Did I do the right thing?
On My Own Now....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Anywhere USA
Posts: 15
I just left my AH....Did I do the right thing?
I have been with my AH for seven years and married for one. I have experienced many cycles of his alcoholism which never got any better because he refuses to get help. This was the final straw...
It was the weekend of Labor Day and we were at a party. He had way too much that night and ended up blowing something way out of proportion and leaving (walked home). I left (on foot)not too long after that to find my car was not in the driveway where I left it and my AH was in bed passed out. After he would not tell me what he did with my car we ended up arguing and he stumbled into the kitchen where he punched two holes in the wall and ripped the phone out of the wall and threw it as hard as he could at me hitting me in the back and breaking. I left that night and did not come back for two days. When I returned I told him that I would be leaving because I could not handle his drinking anymore. He pleaded saying that he wanted to quit drinking and that he hated who he was lately and that he was turning into his mother. We made an agreement that ONE more drink meant that I would leave. I told him he should seek immediate help at Alcoholics Anonymous which he refused.
Last Wed. I found a beer in the fridge and he said that he had been doing well and had not had a drink for two months and that he deserved a drink. He also told me that he did not think it was fair that he should have to go the rest of his life without a beer. I told him he could go ahead and have the beer but I would be leaving. I also asked if he wanted to go to counseling as a last ditch effort and he said NO on two occasions.
I moved out the day after Thanksgiving and it is the hardest thing to deal with because he says that this is my decision and I am the one ruining our relationship by moving out and giving up on our marriage. Oh, and while moving I noticed that there was a huge 30-pack of Bud in the fridge that was half gone. I feel I am doing the right thing because I can't trust him not to go back into his old habits if he is drinking even a little bit. HELP ME! I am so lost, heart broken, confused and mad.
Did I do the right thing?
It was the weekend of Labor Day and we were at a party. He had way too much that night and ended up blowing something way out of proportion and leaving (walked home). I left (on foot)not too long after that to find my car was not in the driveway where I left it and my AH was in bed passed out. After he would not tell me what he did with my car we ended up arguing and he stumbled into the kitchen where he punched two holes in the wall and ripped the phone out of the wall and threw it as hard as he could at me hitting me in the back and breaking. I left that night and did not come back for two days. When I returned I told him that I would be leaving because I could not handle his drinking anymore. He pleaded saying that he wanted to quit drinking and that he hated who he was lately and that he was turning into his mother. We made an agreement that ONE more drink meant that I would leave. I told him he should seek immediate help at Alcoholics Anonymous which he refused.
Last Wed. I found a beer in the fridge and he said that he had been doing well and had not had a drink for two months and that he deserved a drink. He also told me that he did not think it was fair that he should have to go the rest of his life without a beer. I told him he could go ahead and have the beer but I would be leaving. I also asked if he wanted to go to counseling as a last ditch effort and he said NO on two occasions.
I moved out the day after Thanksgiving and it is the hardest thing to deal with because he says that this is my decision and I am the one ruining our relationship by moving out and giving up on our marriage. Oh, and while moving I noticed that there was a huge 30-pack of Bud in the fridge that was half gone. I feel I am doing the right thing because I can't trust him not to go back into his old habits if he is drinking even a little bit. HELP ME! I am so lost, heart broken, confused and mad.
Did I do the right thing?
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hi sun and welcome to SR, 
I think you did a brave and courageous thing. You told him what you would do if he ever drank again and you followed through.
As to doing the right thing...ask yourself if you want to live that kind of life until "death do you part". Maybe that will help you.
(((((((((((((((sun))))))))))))))))
Blessings, Kathy
I think you did a brave and courageous thing. You told him what you would do if he ever drank again and you followed through.
As to doing the right thing...ask yourself if you want to live that kind of life until "death do you part". Maybe that will help you.
(((((((((((((((sun))))))))))))))))
Blessings, Kathy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Welcome Sundance !
Only you know if you're doing the right thing for you.
I can tell you that, in my experience, alcoholics will blame everything on us so trying to make a decision based on what he says is not the way to go.
Whether you decide to leave him or not, the important thing is that you can find help and information to make your life better. Stick around and read and post. There are so many others who can relate to what you're going through and many truly wonderful people on this board.
I'm glad you're here.
L
Only you know if you're doing the right thing for you.
I can tell you that, in my experience, alcoholics will blame everything on us so trying to make a decision based on what he says is not the way to go.
Whether you decide to leave him or not, the important thing is that you can find help and information to make your life better. Stick around and read and post. There are so many others who can relate to what you're going through and many truly wonderful people on this board.
I'm glad you're here.
L
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Gaithersburg, MD
Posts: 19
You gave him an ultimatum some time ago, and he tested it. The 30-pack in the fridge appears to be evidence of his priorities. You know his patterns, what he is capable of -- you are right not to trust him, and right to put yourself first. I think you absolutely did the right thing!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by gelfling
ask yourself if you want to live that kind of life until "death do you part"
You did what you needed to do. I know it is hard, but it sounds like you are taking care of you!
(((((sun)))))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
I agree with gelfling...that was a brave and courageous thing, and what we all strive to do, I think. I dont' know what is taking me so long to get there - I'm just slow I guess. I think you are amazing!!
((((((Sundance))))))On My Own Now....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Anywhere USA
Posts: 15
Thank you all! I needed to hear that especially from all of you who have struggled and may still be. I am going to an Alanon meeting tomorrow night to get some more support. It will be my first one ever. :tissue
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I think that was a hugely brave thing and a brilliant lesson in boundaries for us all. That's how they work. He has made his bed, now you are letting him lie in it.
I know it'll be tough now, but keep coming back here and going to your meetings and you'll get through.
We're all here for you
Love
Minnie
xxx
I know it'll be tough now, but keep coming back here and going to your meetings and you'll get through.
We're all here for you
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 105
Sundance,
Be prepared, everything that goes wrong with ya'lls relationship will be your fault. Divorce,if you decide to go there, your fault.
In his eyes he did nothing wrong. All he did was drink a few beers, big deal.
My Ex AH still will not admit he did anything to hurt our marriage. I am the one that ruined the family. Even if the kids are happier now, more comfortable in their own home.
I am the cold hearted bi*** that has caused him financial problems, (he has no idea how to handle money because he never had to do it) He tells the kids its my fault he is always broke because he has to give me so much money each month, hey idoit, its called child support.
He didn't tell them he was his choice to charge up several credit cards and buy buy buy.
Everything wrong in his life will be your fault as it is my fault in their minds.
However I will not accept ALL of the fault. I'll take 50% of the fault.
Take care
Be prepared, everything that goes wrong with ya'lls relationship will be your fault. Divorce,if you decide to go there, your fault.
In his eyes he did nothing wrong. All he did was drink a few beers, big deal.
My Ex AH still will not admit he did anything to hurt our marriage. I am the one that ruined the family. Even if the kids are happier now, more comfortable in their own home.
I am the cold hearted bi*** that has caused him financial problems, (he has no idea how to handle money because he never had to do it) He tells the kids its my fault he is always broke because he has to give me so much money each month, hey idoit, its called child support.
He didn't tell them he was his choice to charge up several credit cards and buy buy buy.
Everything wrong in his life will be your fault as it is my fault in their minds.
However I will not accept ALL of the fault. I'll take 50% of the fault.
Take care
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
Sun--I applaud you--you set a boundry and you stuck to it. It's always our fault when
we make a decission that the AH doesn't like. They always have an excuse ready too.
Good for you getting away from an unsafe enviroment. (throwing the phone at you
and such) Glad to hear you are going to a meeting also. Keep us posted--we all
need each other. Smiles--Dee
we make a decission that the AH doesn't like. They always have an excuse ready too.
Good for you getting away from an unsafe enviroment. (throwing the phone at you
and such) Glad to hear you are going to a meeting also. Keep us posted--we all
need each other. Smiles--Dee
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