Spouse went to first aa meeting - I’m angry
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Spouse went to first aa meeting - I’m angry
My husband just returned from his first aa meeting. What at first seemed like a win has turned me sour. He comes back nearly two hours later. And he comes in and says it was great! I’ve been deep cleaning the house all afternoon and evening, since no one else does. I was literally down scrubbing the floors and baseboards on my hands and knees when he walked in and right past me. He continues on telling me how everyone was hugging him and being supportive (which I know is great and what aa is known for) and he’s going back for a lot more. At first I think yay and don’t even care that he’s not acknowledged how clean the house is because he’s finally taking a step towards his recovery. He then shortly there after falls on the couch and lays there in between consciousness and passed out. I just hate him right now. I’m feeling very resentful. I feel like a married someone who can work, hold a job, and pay his bills by day, but once he comes home he morphs into some man child and I feel like I married a six year old. And I don’t come home til after him because I work 50-60 hours a week. The house is constantly trashed if I’m not home all day, he’s usually on the verge of either passing out or driving me insane because he never shuts up and is in that weird drunken state where you just talk and talk. And now I feel like a jealous child. Where’s the support for those of us who deal with them? Why do people just tell us to leave them like it’s that easy but give pity and support to them? They’re diseased they say. Idk I know I’m wrong for feeling that, everyone deserves support no matter which side of the fence you fall on.
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Location: Western US
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You sound like you have some darn good reasons to be angry Quietlytired. Even if he does get sober and goes into long term recovery, it will probably still be hard for a good long time. I've heard folks say that the first year of sobriety is worse than when they were drunk.
What have you done for yourself lately? Any plans for the next few days that will put some love and care into you?
What have you done for yourself lately? Any plans for the next few days that will put some love and care into you?
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways 
You sound like you have some darn good reasons to be angry Quietlytired. Even if he does get sober and goes into long term recovery, it will probably still be hard for a good long time. I've heard folks say that the first year of sobriety is worse than when they were drunk.
What have you done for yourself lately? Any plans for the next few days that will put some love and care into you?
What have you done for yourself lately? Any plans for the next few days that will put some love and care into you?
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
I hope it is a getaway somewhere fun!
Did you ever go back to Alanon? If not, have you found anything that eases your situation?
Did you ever go back to Alanon? If not, have you found anything that eases your situation?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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I had to go back in your post history and remind myself what your story was. I remember your panic attack.
It is usually suggested that people get a plan going on what they are going to do in the future. It sounds like you have that kind of plan in the works.
You do sound like you need more support in your life. If you don't want to try a different Alanon group, could you try counseling? Maybe you have already given this a go . . . . .hmmm . . .. . I always feel a bit hypocritical suggesting alanon and counseling as I didn't go the alanon route nor has counseling ever done much for me. For others, I know it has been a game changer.
It is usually suggested that people get a plan going on what they are going to do in the future. It sounds like you have that kind of plan in the works.
You do sound like you need more support in your life. If you don't want to try a different Alanon group, could you try counseling? Maybe you have already given this a go . . . . .hmmm . . .. . I always feel a bit hypocritical suggesting alanon and counseling as I didn't go the alanon route nor has counseling ever done much for me. For others, I know it has been a game changer.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 61
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
I hope it is a getaway somewhere fun!
Did you ever go back to Alanon? If not, have you found anything that eases your situation?
Did you ever go back to Alanon? If not, have you found anything that eases your situation?
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
I had to go back in your post history and remind myself what your story was. I remember your panic attack.
It is usually suggested that people get a plan going on what they are going to do in the future. It sounds like you have that kind of plan in the works.
You do sound like you need more support in your life. If you don't want to try a different Alanon group, could you try counseling? Maybe you have already given this a go . . . . .hmmm . . .. . I always feel a bit hypocritical suggesting alanon and counseling as I didn't go the alanon route nor has counseling ever done much for me. For others, I know it has been a game changer.
It is usually suggested that people get a plan going on what they are going to do in the future. It sounds like you have that kind of plan in the works.
You do sound like you need more support in your life. If you don't want to try a different Alanon group, could you try counseling? Maybe you have already given this a go . . . . .hmmm . . .. . I always feel a bit hypocritical suggesting alanon and counseling as I didn't go the alanon route nor has counseling ever done much for me. For others, I know it has been a game changer.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,968
Originally Posted by QuietlyTired
What did you do instead of al anon?
I also read a lot. I took some of the AA stuff. Instead of putting together days of non-drinking I put together days on no-contact. I actually did count days, months and years. It was super super tough.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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QuietlyTired……..I would like to address the inequity in the shared household responsibilities.....as this is an issue that I have faced, myself and had many years of interest in.....
This inequity is not just reserved for your household...or all of the alcoholic households....but----Most of all the households on planet Earth.
For wives and women who work both in and outside of the home. It has been a major issue within the Women's Movement for as many years as I can remember.
Even in those relationships that appear so "equal".....or, should I say--"more equal".....there is still one who carries the unseen emotional and mental work of keeping a nest together....and, it is almost always, still, the woman.
So, I suspect if o ne separated all of the negative effects of his drinking.....you would still have a basketful of resentments around the household work and responsibilities.....
Your reaction is not unusual. For those who have endured years and years of the alcohlolic's drinking.....it is so common for them to believe that if their partner just quit drinking....all would be well. It comes as such a shock when that is not the case.....All their hopes and dreams have come to reside in the basket of "when he quits drinking"...……
It seems to be true that the time after they quit drinking can be as difficult as when they were still drinking.....for a substantial amount of time....
this is why it is advised to go for support...like alanon or such group or individual counseling and self education.....
Detaching from the alcoholic is a technique that is very helpful during this period of time.....
the chances are that he is not going to fall down on his knees and declare his deep gratitude for all of your work and all that you have done....and, dedicate himself to trying to make it all up to you....
He will have miles and miles of work and changes to make before he becomes the kind of husband that you have dreamed that he would return to being.....
Before that could ever happen...BOTH of you have mi les and miles of changes to make.....
LOL...instead of the name "Quietlytired"…….maybe you should have been more of the "LoudlyTired"...…lol.....(we teach people how to treat us)…...
This inequity is not just reserved for your household...or all of the alcoholic households....but----Most of all the households on planet Earth.
For wives and women who work both in and outside of the home. It has been a major issue within the Women's Movement for as many years as I can remember.
Even in those relationships that appear so "equal".....or, should I say--"more equal".....there is still one who carries the unseen emotional and mental work of keeping a nest together....and, it is almost always, still, the woman.
So, I suspect if o ne separated all of the negative effects of his drinking.....you would still have a basketful of resentments around the household work and responsibilities.....
Your reaction is not unusual. For those who have endured years and years of the alcohlolic's drinking.....it is so common for them to believe that if their partner just quit drinking....all would be well. It comes as such a shock when that is not the case.....All their hopes and dreams have come to reside in the basket of "when he quits drinking"...……
It seems to be true that the time after they quit drinking can be as difficult as when they were still drinking.....for a substantial amount of time....
this is why it is advised to go for support...like alanon or such group or individual counseling and self education.....
Detaching from the alcoholic is a technique that is very helpful during this period of time.....
the chances are that he is not going to fall down on his knees and declare his deep gratitude for all of your work and all that you have done....and, dedicate himself to trying to make it all up to you....
He will have miles and miles of work and changes to make before he becomes the kind of husband that you have dreamed that he would return to being.....
Before that could ever happen...BOTH of you have mi les and miles of changes to make.....
LOL...instead of the name "Quietlytired"…….maybe you should have been more of the "LoudlyTired"...…lol.....(we teach people how to treat us)…...
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Regardless of my addiction, I wasn't always a selfish lazy person.
My wife, the so called normie, used to make huge messes everywhere and walk away.
She wouldn't go shopping for months, then when I bought some eggs she would make a 12 egg omelette.
So I decided to tell her....stop being a fat pig. Clean up after yourself. I am not your maid.
I didn't say it that mean, but i wanted to.
She sort of stopped and now thinks twice before making a huge mess.
She also does a weekly clean around the house. She is an entry level hoarder, som she ends up just moving her little piles of stuff around the living room.
Unfortunately, I take the bad with the good. Nothing is perfect. She makes good money and is the best friend I have.
Thanks.
My wife, the so called normie, used to make huge messes everywhere and walk away.
She wouldn't go shopping for months, then when I bought some eggs she would make a 12 egg omelette.
So I decided to tell her....stop being a fat pig. Clean up after yourself. I am not your maid.
I didn't say it that mean, but i wanted to.
She sort of stopped and now thinks twice before making a huge mess.
She also does a weekly clean around the house. She is an entry level hoarder, som she ends up just moving her little piles of stuff around the living room.
Unfortunately, I take the bad with the good. Nothing is perfect. She makes good money and is the best friend I have.
Thanks.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
I don't know how old you are.
I'm in my 60s. Late AH had an aversion to housework in general and dishes in particular. I suspect part of it was how he grew up; his Dad was the breadwinner, his Mom was a stay-at-home Mom. Mind you, she was no doormat. She didn't make a big Sunday dinner because Sunday was HER day of rest, too! At the end of it all, though, Late Alcoholic Husband's attitude on housework was a separate issue from his drinking.
I’ve been reading up on codependency and have decided to move away within two years with or without him.
I'm puzzled as to how having him with you will change anything.
Sometimes we have to take the good with the bad. Current Beau is something of a hoarder. In my attic there are four or five big totes of photographs he doesn't look at of people he doesn't know. There is a steamer trunk full of recipes that has never been opened. I suspect he hangs onto this stuff because it was important to his Mom and it should be important to him. There is no talking to him about jettisoning this stuff.
I'm in my 60s. Late AH had an aversion to housework in general and dishes in particular. I suspect part of it was how he grew up; his Dad was the breadwinner, his Mom was a stay-at-home Mom. Mind you, she was no doormat. She didn't make a big Sunday dinner because Sunday was HER day of rest, too! At the end of it all, though, Late Alcoholic Husband's attitude on housework was a separate issue from his drinking.
I’ve been reading up on codependency and have decided to move away within two years with or without him.
I'm puzzled as to how having him with you will change anything.
Sometimes we have to take the good with the bad. Current Beau is something of a hoarder. In my attic there are four or five big totes of photographs he doesn't look at of people he doesn't know. There is a steamer trunk full of recipes that has never been opened. I suspect he hangs onto this stuff because it was important to his Mom and it should be important to him. There is no talking to him about jettisoning this stuff.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
QT, alcoholism aside I am never OK with anyone, usually the guy, slacking off while I do the house work and cooking. In one relationship I cooked dinner, then did the dishes (hand wash) while my SO went to sleep on the couch. I told him to leave. I just won't put up with it.
If it's bugging you enough to take action, I suggest you sit him down and go over the list with him, taking into account work hours as well. Ask HIM what he thinks is a fair division. Very few people will sit there and say it's fair for one to take on all the workload. Then come to an agreement about what he will do. If he says his half is too much, offer to swap. I've found this works with teens who are the classic wanting it all with no responsibility. We agreed to a day to bomb most of the housework and got takeaway that day.
If it's bugging you enough to take action, I suggest you sit him down and go over the list with him, taking into account work hours as well. Ask HIM what he thinks is a fair division. Very few people will sit there and say it's fair for one to take on all the workload. Then come to an agreement about what he will do. If he says his half is too much, offer to swap. I've found this works with teens who are the classic wanting it all with no responsibility. We agreed to a day to bomb most of the housework and got takeaway that day.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
If someone with a magic wand could convert my ex GF into a sober individual but the trade off... she would be messy... I’d 100% be OK with that.
I'm a very clean guy... and have always done most of the house cleaning anyway.
No doubt you’re highly overwhelmed and frustrated. Everyone has their breaking point and I think you deserve a massage/spa day!
I'm a very clean guy... and have always done most of the house cleaning anyway.
No doubt you’re highly overwhelmed and frustrated. Everyone has their breaking point and I think you deserve a massage/spa day!
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by QuietlyTired
I’ve been deep cleaning the house all afternoon and evening, since no one else does. I was literally down scrubbing the floors and baseboards on my hands and knees when he walked in and right past me. He continues on telling me how everyone was hugging him and being supportive ....I’m feeling very resentful.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,410
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
QT, alcoholism aside I am never OK with anyone, usually the guy, slacking off while I do the house work and cooking. In one relationship I cooked dinner, then did the dishes (hand wash) while my SO went to sleep on the couch. I told him to leave. I just won't put up with it.
If it's bugging you enough to take action, I suggest you sit him down and go over the list with him, taking into account work hours as well. Ask HIM what he thinks is a fair division. Very few people will sit there and say it's fair for one to take on all the workload. Then come to an agreement about what he will do. If he says his half is too much, offer to swap. I've found this works with teens who are the classic wanting it all with no responsibility. We agreed to a day to bomb most of the housework and got takeaway that day.
If it's bugging you enough to take action, I suggest you sit him down and go over the list with him, taking into account work hours as well. Ask HIM what he thinks is a fair division. Very few people will sit there and say it's fair for one to take on all the workload. Then come to an agreement about what he will do. If he says his half is too much, offer to swap. I've found this works with teens who are the classic wanting it all with no responsibility. We agreed to a day to bomb most of the housework and got takeaway that day.
If I was him, I would want to know even if I didn't like having to step up to share the load.
Doing everything is a kind of enabling, even though you are doing it for both of you and to keep the household functional.
He needs to be held accountable--this is good for his growth and yours as well. Just doing things and resenting makes it easy to fall into being a martyr which helps nobody in the end.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I hear you. I run a home by myself and I get very resentful whenever I don't get help from my children. They are teenage and young adult and treat the house like a flop house half the time. So, I have learned I have to communicate my expectations. I have to tell them, I want you to do X by this time. I had to do the same with my XAH when he lived in the home. Reality is, most of the time a clean and neat house is a lot more important to you then them, leaving you feeling taken for granted.
Never mind him being drunk.
I encourage you to get a counselor, that helped me a lot. And of course, this wonderful place is a huge support as well!
Sending you a hug!
Never mind him being drunk.
I encourage you to get a counselor, that helped me a lot. And of course, this wonderful place is a huge support as well!
Sending you a hug!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
It is often thrown around in AA that alchies don't mature much emotionally and mentally past the age they commence drinking.
So if you take that, combine it with Hopefuls experience with teenagers ... there's ya problem.
If you don't already know when yours started, ask him and I bet it's around his mid teens.
So if you take that, combine it with Hopefuls experience with teenagers ... there's ya problem.
If you don't already know when yours started, ask him and I bet it's around his mid teens.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Whenever I believe another person's behavior to be the root cause of issues that I am having, I am merely being distracted by their behavior and wind up missing the bottom line origin of why I feel the way I do.
I am an alcoholic who has been in recovery for my issues for a few years.
My wife is not an alcoholic but has been in recovery for her issues for a few years. She actually got into recovery long before our paths ever crossed 35 years ago.
She has her version of what a clean house is and how the responsibilities for obtaining that should be dealt out.
I have my version of what a clean house is and how the responsibilities for obtaining that should be dealt out.
The two don't match.
Her version is not any more right than my version. It is strictly her version.
My version is not any more right than her version. It is strictly my version.
We are life partners. We discuss our differing points of view and reach a compromise. That is how we coexist. During our discussions, alcohol, recovery, past behavior, etc; none of that comes up because none of those have anything to do with what actually causes our points of view to be different.
We borrow from St. Francis and seek to understand rather than be understood. Part of understanding is recognizing and respecting each other's personal boundaries. As long as we do that, I anticipate many more years of being partners.
I am an alcoholic who has been in recovery for my issues for a few years.
My wife is not an alcoholic but has been in recovery for her issues for a few years. She actually got into recovery long before our paths ever crossed 35 years ago.
She has her version of what a clean house is and how the responsibilities for obtaining that should be dealt out.
I have my version of what a clean house is and how the responsibilities for obtaining that should be dealt out.
The two don't match.
Her version is not any more right than my version. It is strictly her version.
My version is not any more right than her version. It is strictly my version.
We are life partners. We discuss our differing points of view and reach a compromise. That is how we coexist. During our discussions, alcohol, recovery, past behavior, etc; none of that comes up because none of those have anything to do with what actually causes our points of view to be different.
We borrow from St. Francis and seek to understand rather than be understood. Part of understanding is recognizing and respecting each other's personal boundaries. As long as we do that, I anticipate many more years of being partners.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 61
Originally Posted by velma929
I don't know how old you are.
I'm in my 60s. Late AH had an aversion to housework in general and dishes in particular. I suspect part of it was how he grew up; his Dad was the breadwinner, his Mom was a stay-at-home Mom. Mind you, she was no doormat. She didn't make a big Sunday dinner because Sunday was HER day of rest, too! At the end of it all, though, Late Alcoholic Husband's attitude on housework was a separate issue from his drinking.
I’ve been reading up on codependency and have decided to move away within two years with or without him.
I'm puzzled as to how having him with you will change anything.
...
I'm in my 60s. Late AH had an aversion to housework in general and dishes in particular. I suspect part of it was how he grew up; his Dad was the breadwinner, his Mom was a stay-at-home Mom. Mind you, she was no doormat. She didn't make a big Sunday dinner because Sunday was HER day of rest, too! At the end of it all, though, Late Alcoholic Husband's attitude on housework was a separate issue from his drinking.
I’ve been reading up on codependency and have decided to move away within two years with or without him.
I'm puzzled as to how having him with you will change anything.
...
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