Marriage Story & being at peace with what truly is/was
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Marriage Story & being at peace with what truly is/was
I sit here tonight, as snow falls and NPR is playing old classics in the kitchen; for I haven’t cried in a long time. I watched a Marriage Story (Netflix). It was excellent... real and poignant. It isn’t a story about addiction, not in the alcoholic sense anyway but about a crumbling marriage in the middle of a divorce. Two people who love each other deeply —but have to move on, and ultimately accept that their emotional needs have surpassed what the other can extend.
It was a heartbreaking, yet beautiful story in that it showed that no relationship is perfect — but acknowledging that the very effort wasn’t a failure... it was to be valued in order to heal and move forward.
For me, the concept of failure has been difficult. I think in part, I tried so very hard to glue my past relationship. To fix what wasn’t fixable. To change what I couldn’t. I so badly wanted it to survive and thrive, even when it was crumbling down right beside me. I couldn’t then even imagine giving up on a love that, to me needed to last a lifetime.
As I’ve tried to remain on the path of forgiveness and healing, looking back has been filled with moments of regret. I guess that’s part of any broken relationship.
I guess my point is, it’s only when we can look back... and accept and forgive both ourselves and our partners... that we, then truly move on. We did all we could do, at that time. We did what we had to do to survive amongst the extraordinary chaos of addiction.
And that has to be good enough.
It was a heartbreaking, yet beautiful story in that it showed that no relationship is perfect — but acknowledging that the very effort wasn’t a failure... it was to be valued in order to heal and move forward.
For me, the concept of failure has been difficult. I think in part, I tried so very hard to glue my past relationship. To fix what wasn’t fixable. To change what I couldn’t. I so badly wanted it to survive and thrive, even when it was crumbling down right beside me. I couldn’t then even imagine giving up on a love that, to me needed to last a lifetime.
As I’ve tried to remain on the path of forgiveness and healing, looking back has been filled with moments of regret. I guess that’s part of any broken relationship.
I guess my point is, it’s only when we can look back... and accept and forgive both ourselves and our partners... that we, then truly move on. We did all we could do, at that time. We did what we had to do to survive amongst the extraordinary chaos of addiction.
And that has to be good enough.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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Originally Posted by LifeChangeNYC 
I sit here tonight, as snow falls and NPR is playing old classics in the kitchen; for I haven’t cried in a long time. I watched a Marriage Story (Netflix). It was excellent... real and poignant. It isn’t a story about addiction, not in the alcoholic sense anyway but about a crumbling marriage in the middle of a divorce. Two people who love each other deeply —but have to move on, and ultimately accept that their emotional needs have surpassed what the other can extend.
It was a heartbreaking, yet beautiful story in that it showed that no relationship is perfect — but acknowledging that the very effort wasn’t a failure... it was to be valued in order to heal and move forward.
For me, the concept of failure has been difficult. I think in part, I tried so very hard to glue my past relationship. To fix what wasn’t fixable. To change what I couldn’t. I so badly wanted it to survive and thrive, even when it was crumbling down right beside me. I couldn’t then even imagine giving up on a love that, to me needed to last a lifetime.
As I’ve tried to remain on the path of forgiveness and healing, looking back has been filled with moments of regret. I guess that’s part of any broken relationship.
I guess my point is, it’s only when we can look back... and accept and forgive both ourselves and our partners... that we, then truly move on. We did all we could do, at that time. We did what we had to do to survive amongst the extraordinary chaos of addiction.
And that has to be good enough.
It was a heartbreaking, yet beautiful story in that it showed that no relationship is perfect — but acknowledging that the very effort wasn’t a failure... it was to be valued in order to heal and move forward.
For me, the concept of failure has been difficult. I think in part, I tried so very hard to glue my past relationship. To fix what wasn’t fixable. To change what I couldn’t. I so badly wanted it to survive and thrive, even when it was crumbling down right beside me. I couldn’t then even imagine giving up on a love that, to me needed to last a lifetime.
As I’ve tried to remain on the path of forgiveness and healing, looking back has been filled with moments of regret. I guess that’s part of any broken relationship.
I guess my point is, it’s only when we can look back... and accept and forgive both ourselves and our partners... that we, then truly move on. We did all we could do, at that time. We did what we had to do to survive amongst the extraordinary chaos of addiction.
And that has to be good enough.
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Join Date: May 2019
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what you wrote remind me of me so much. I also thought this relationship is forever, and I was ready to go through all the ups and downs and all i between with my x. But it takes two with the same attitude, and also two who equally wont let go. My x ''choose" drinking over "us". Whats even worse, IT chose him. For now at least. As you can see, I still (deep down) believe how he CAN win over that beast. I can only pray for him at this point.
What gives me comfort now is that I did love him so much so to "give up on him" if thats what it took, in order to preserve my belief in his healing. Hope that makes sense. It was so difficult but I wouldnt be able to stand by anyone who I care about and see them suffer or slowly destroy themselves.
I am also working on healing myself after the breakup (with lots of ups and downs in that sense)AND forgiving us both.
I wish you continue on your path bravely. You are doing the right thing, my friend!
What gives me comfort now is that I did love him so much so to "give up on him" if thats what it took, in order to preserve my belief in his healing. Hope that makes sense. It was so difficult but I wouldnt be able to stand by anyone who I care about and see them suffer or slowly destroy themselves.
I am also working on healing myself after the breakup (with lots of ups and downs in that sense)AND forgiving us both.
I wish you continue on your path bravely. You are doing the right thing, my friend!
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Join Date: Jan 2019
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I'm coming to the same conclusions. I love him dearly, he's a great person, smart, etc but he needs to be alone, and the rest of us need to be together as a family. I need someone to listen and support, he needs to mock my achievements.
He drinks to comfort himself. I seek out people to talk.
Its all very sad in some ways.
When I married, I intended being married for life. I thought I was failing when it started going wrong, so I tried harder. I just ended up tying myself in knots.
He drinks to comfort himself. I seek out people to talk.
Its all very sad in some ways.
When I married, I intended being married for life. I thought I was failing when it started going wrong, so I tried harder. I just ended up tying myself in knots.
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Originally Posted by LifeChangeNYC
As I’ve tried to remain on the path of forgiveness and healing, looking back has been filled with moments of regret. I guess that’s part of any broken relationship.
Perhaps when we learn from our past mistakes and don't repeat them, this can assuage the regrets.
One thing I learned, is that I am unwilling to have a relationship at any cost. Some relationships are nurturing and life-giving, while bad relationships destroy everyone involved.
I have been learning to be content by myself.
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Eauchiche - You’re stronger than me. I can definitely be alone for periods of time but I changed after all my surgeries. I want to be in a relationship and honestly, it’s one of my goals for this year. Call me crazy to call it a “goal” but it is... to go on dates and experience/find a healthy relationship. I’ve been doing it... and it’s been hard, but healing in so many ways.
It may be weak of me, but I want a family so badly. I want a house in the mountains. My family is/was broken so I crave to have that stability.
Ugh, maybe I sound like an idiot.
It may be weak of me, but I want a family so badly. I want a house in the mountains. My family is/was broken so I crave to have that stability.
Ugh, maybe I sound like an idiot.
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You don't sound like an idiot, LCNYC, not at all. It's normal and natural to want those things.
I would just advise you to be careful. Sometimes we can want something so much that we close our eyes to what is acutally in front of us. Putting all of your effort into an external "fix" for your feelings is denying that effort for the real work of recovery, which is about understanding that only you can fix you. No other relationship can replace the foundation of self-esteem and self-respect that brings true contentment and peace. For me, it wasn't until I got to the point that I was okay being alone for the rest of my life that I was really healthy enough to be in a relationship with someone else anyway.
I would also gently suggest that family does not necessarily equal stability. The most stability I have found in my life is in my relationship with myself.
I would just advise you to be careful. Sometimes we can want something so much that we close our eyes to what is acutally in front of us. Putting all of your effort into an external "fix" for your feelings is denying that effort for the real work of recovery, which is about understanding that only you can fix you. No other relationship can replace the foundation of self-esteem and self-respect that brings true contentment and peace. For me, it wasn't until I got to the point that I was okay being alone for the rest of my life that I was really healthy enough to be in a relationship with someone else anyway.
I would also gently suggest that family does not necessarily equal stability. The most stability I have found in my life is in my relationship with myself.
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LifeChange…….SparkleKitty has just written exactly what I was thinking as I read your last post! Exactly.
First of all-----it is a normal human desire to have a strong desire for an intimate relationship and a "family" life. This is a part of our human development.
Lol...I know that I am probably preaching to the choir, here, but I feel compelled to say it...….
Early attraction in a new relationship is enormously fun (Mother Nature arranged it that way). At the same time...it can be one of the most dangerous times....as, often very weighty decisiolns are made,prematurely, during that time....The reason for this is that (by Mother Nature, again)….we are filled with the cascade of powerful bonding hormones, which gives us such a feeling of contentment and well-being....(serotonin and dopamine, especially)…..
As a result....ALL of us tend to put on certain blinders and rose -colored glasses.
When we are looking through those wonderful, rose-colored glasses....we are prone to overlook certain red flags and warning signs of potential trouble. We don
t want to see them. We are so anxious to get to the finish line and lock it all down!
Reality says that it takes TIME to really get to know another person....to know the WHOLE persons....the distasteful aspects as well as the wonderful ones.
****During this crucial time...it is so important to be willing to end the relationship and move forward....when it becomes apparent that the relationship is not in our best welfare.
I would dare say that if everyone on this forum had been able to do that....we would not have so many member, here. to be able and willing to weather the short-term pain for the longer-term gain.....
I think it is so normal to say that "I want to be in a relationship and have a family",,,,,,,but, don't try to force it to a rigid timeline...
I think there is a difference between being OPEN to a relationship...if/when one comes along.....and, rushing to lock one down....
I can say, that even when I was open to a possible relationship.....the "right" person always popped up so unexpectantly……
If a person is going to go fishing...one has to be willing to throw back.....
First of all-----it is a normal human desire to have a strong desire for an intimate relationship and a "family" life. This is a part of our human development.
Lol...I know that I am probably preaching to the choir, here, but I feel compelled to say it...….
Early attraction in a new relationship is enormously fun (Mother Nature arranged it that way). At the same time...it can be one of the most dangerous times....as, often very weighty decisiolns are made,prematurely, during that time....The reason for this is that (by Mother Nature, again)….we are filled with the cascade of powerful bonding hormones, which gives us such a feeling of contentment and well-being....(serotonin and dopamine, especially)…..
As a result....ALL of us tend to put on certain blinders and rose -colored glasses.
When we are looking through those wonderful, rose-colored glasses....we are prone to overlook certain red flags and warning signs of potential trouble. We don
t want to see them. We are so anxious to get to the finish line and lock it all down!
Reality says that it takes TIME to really get to know another person....to know the WHOLE persons....the distasteful aspects as well as the wonderful ones.
****During this crucial time...it is so important to be willing to end the relationship and move forward....when it becomes apparent that the relationship is not in our best welfare.
I would dare say that if everyone on this forum had been able to do that....we would not have so many member, here. to be able and willing to weather the short-term pain for the longer-term gain.....
I think it is so normal to say that "I want to be in a relationship and have a family",,,,,,,but, don't try to force it to a rigid timeline...
I think there is a difference between being OPEN to a relationship...if/when one comes along.....and, rushing to lock one down....
I can say, that even when I was open to a possible relationship.....the "right" person always popped up so unexpectantly……
If a person is going to go fishing...one has to be willing to throw back.....
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I live in NYC, a city all about being independent and content alone. I never was a relationship guy, until I met my ex... my first love in my late 30s/40s. I didn’t date addicts prior, she and I connected for others deep reasons. I opened my heart, and even though it became toxic on so many levels... I’m deeply thankful I experienced a different side of myself. I never knew I could be so vulnerable, patient, loving, and also... too much of a perfectionist that wanted to change/fix her alcoholism. I’m working on that side of myself.
Sparkle, I know exactly what you’re saying — but it goes both ways. I know many friends, all who gave of themselves... ended up in toxic or addictive/abusive relationships, left and are now so extreme in their high standards... it would be impossible for anyone to have a few imperfections, or to ever break down that wall. I sit with them and think... holy sh*t, your standards are ridiculous!
Had dinner just last night with a female friend I’ve known for 10 years... she has remained single (she claims) because no man “shares” her values and expectations. But I’ve lived with her (as a roommate)... her perfectionism and control nearly ruined our friendship. It’s not about values, it’s that she’s content with telling herself that she “doesn’t need anyone” (because she’s been hurt) when in fact she’s created a wall of control that no one can break through.
Content with being single doesn’t necessarily imply a person is stable/healthy either. Yes same implies for someone wanting a family.
My point is, acceptance with being single or in a relationship is obviously personal and different for everyone. There’s shades of grey here.
Sparkle, I know exactly what you’re saying — but it goes both ways. I know many friends, all who gave of themselves... ended up in toxic or addictive/abusive relationships, left and are now so extreme in their high standards... it would be impossible for anyone to have a few imperfections, or to ever break down that wall. I sit with them and think... holy sh*t, your standards are ridiculous!
Had dinner just last night with a female friend I’ve known for 10 years... she has remained single (she claims) because no man “shares” her values and expectations. But I’ve lived with her (as a roommate)... her perfectionism and control nearly ruined our friendship. It’s not about values, it’s that she’s content with telling herself that she “doesn’t need anyone” (because she’s been hurt) when in fact she’s created a wall of control that no one can break through.
Content with being single doesn’t necessarily imply a person is stable/healthy either. Yes same implies for someone wanting a family.
My point is, acceptance with being single or in a relationship is obviously personal and different for everyone. There’s shades of grey here.
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Perhaps I worded things wrong... haha I’m not forcing love but opening myself up to new experiences with different types of women. It’s important to me. I have it as a “goal” to inspire myself to get off the couch and stop watching relationships on Netflix... lol
As I said before, it goes both ways. The majority (I can assume) on here (including myself) have been in dysfunctional, toxic or abusive past relationships centered around alcohol or addiction. For me, my mind can easily go into a dark hole where I just “accept” being alone... but that’s not what I want. I’m only talking about myself here.
Dandy, I started dating a great woman last month. We really hit it off but I called it off because she smoked and a few other red flags. Just wouldn’t be healthy for me. There was another sober woman I dated but had past addiction baggage that popped up on a few dates later... and it wasn’t good for me.
Thats exactly why I’m dating. And in conjunction with therapy is a healthy choice for me.
As I said before, it goes both ways. The majority (I can assume) on here (including myself) have been in dysfunctional, toxic or abusive past relationships centered around alcohol or addiction. For me, my mind can easily go into a dark hole where I just “accept” being alone... but that’s not what I want. I’m only talking about myself here.
Dandy, I started dating a great woman last month. We really hit it off but I called it off because she smoked and a few other red flags. Just wouldn’t be healthy for me. There was another sober woman I dated but had past addiction baggage that popped up on a few dates later... and it wasn’t good for me.
Thats exactly why I’m dating. And in conjunction with therapy is a healthy choice for me.
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NYC, i think you might have missed the point a bit. it was just five days ago you heard from your ex and it rocked you. you also said on recent date, three days ago, you didn't SEE the new person, you wanted to see the ex across the table from you.
grief and loss take TIME to work through.
grief is internal, loss is external.
a new person can not fix or heal us. at best, they can distract.
which means we are not seeing them for WHO they are, only what we think they can DO for us.
you are not resigned to the life of a celibate monk forever. but you do owe it to yourself to fully embrace and allow this experience first.
slight segue - i am now 60 and while i have been saving for retirement, it is now quite evident i'm a bit behind the curve. while i might WANT to retire, have the GOAL of doing so, i have more work to do FIRST. either that or enjoy the world's shortest retirement! LOL
so now i'm doing lots of research, listening to wealth building audiobooks, reworking my PLAN, making use of sound advice, and honing a new strategy. i have allowed for new information, new concepts, and new tools. i knew i was doing some things right, but i was willing to learn about the things i did not know.
if present me does not take the time to do the work, grind it out, take action NOW, then future me will not enjoy the fruits of that labor. and future me will be saying, damn, if i had only taken the time back when i had the opportunity to do so.........
grief and loss take TIME to work through.
grief is internal, loss is external.
a new person can not fix or heal us. at best, they can distract.
which means we are not seeing them for WHO they are, only what we think they can DO for us.
you are not resigned to the life of a celibate monk forever. but you do owe it to yourself to fully embrace and allow this experience first.
slight segue - i am now 60 and while i have been saving for retirement, it is now quite evident i'm a bit behind the curve. while i might WANT to retire, have the GOAL of doing so, i have more work to do FIRST. either that or enjoy the world's shortest retirement! LOL
so now i'm doing lots of research, listening to wealth building audiobooks, reworking my PLAN, making use of sound advice, and honing a new strategy. i have allowed for new information, new concepts, and new tools. i knew i was doing some things right, but i was willing to learn about the things i did not know.
if present me does not take the time to do the work, grind it out, take action NOW, then future me will not enjoy the fruits of that labor. and future me will be saying, damn, if i had only taken the time back when i had the opportunity to do so.........
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We each heal, grow and learn differently. For me, meeting with different women on casual dates isn’t about jumping back into a relationship with the first hot girl I see. Yes, I’m still heart broken and I do still envision my ex sitting back at me... but that doesn’t mean I should stay at home and cry on my couch because I feel that way. Getting out and talking to women has helped me big time. I’m analyzing what type of woman is most healthy for me... learning boundaries... and I can’t do that from my apartment. Yes, some people may jump right back into dysfunction but I wasn’t a serial dater to begin with. I never was. Sure, I may make small mistakes but hey, I’m taking safe steps to helping my emotional well being. And for me, this is that step.
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Originally Posted by LifeChangeNYC
We each heal, grow and learn differently. For me, meeting with different women on casual dates isn’t about jumping back into a relationship with the first hot girl I see. Yes, I’m still heart broken and I do still envision my ex sitting back at me... but that doesn’t mean I should stay at home and cry on my couch because I feel that way. Getting out and talking to women has helped me big time. I’m analyzing what type of woman is most healthy for me... learning boundaries... and I can’t do that from my apartment. Yes, some people may jump right back into dysfunction but I wasn’t a serial dater to begin with. I never was. Sure, I may make small mistakes but hey, I’m taking safe steps to helping my emotional well being. And for me, this is that step.
I pity the first few people I date in the future (if at all - I'm totally wanting to be on my own with just my kids). My red flag radar will be much bigger than their red flags!!
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Originally Posted by LifeChangeNYC
Eauchiche - You’re stronger than me. I can definitely be alone for periods of time but I changed after all my surgeries. I want to be in a relationship and honestly, it’s one of my goals for this year. Call me crazy to call it a “goal” but it is... to go on dates and experience/find a healthy relationship. I’ve been doing it... and it’s been hard, but healing in so many ways.
It may be weak of me, but I want a family so badly. I want a house in the mountains. My family is/was broken so I crave to have that stability.
Ugh, maybe I sound like an idiot.
It may be weak of me, but I want a family so badly. I want a house in the mountains. My family is/was broken so I crave to have that stability.
Ugh, maybe I sound like an idiot.
I met a woman at church over the summer that really got my juices going. I was dreaming about her and waking up in the middle night thinking about her. She is one of the most beautiful women I ever met and, probably could be one of the most toxic.
She is at least, completely unavailable, to me.
I don't want to hijack your thread and start talking about why I was attracted to someone like this, but this is an issue on the table.
Be at peace. You are among friends!!!
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“Won't it be interesting to find out about what other people do with their lives?”
Wombaticus, ha! That gave me a good laugh! Initially I was expecting my date(s) to guzzle back drinks... and that I’d have to carry her home! I was seriously on edge. But honestly that never happened.
I put a “disclaimer” you could say on my dating profile (much respect but no alcoholics, addicts or smokers kindly worded)... and that’s helped a lot! One woman lied about smoking and we hit it off (before I knew) but once I did, I cut things off nicely.
I’ve made a stronger connection with one in particular. She’s taking things really slow with me. Haha (yes I’m not used to that!) As we always joke on here... yep, no drama = a tiny bit “boring” at first! Lol She’s really nice and “normal”... has a stable job, wants a vintage store down the road up in the mountains (like me!) and we laugh a lot! I’ve had a bit of a hard time with “attraction”... she’s very pretty, just different than I would expect myself to be attracted to. That’s where the healing kicks in! I know that I’m used to dysfunctional beauty so I’m just taking our relationship slow. It’s fun and casual.
But yeah dating “non addict” folks is such a trip! I’m not even dating women who drink more than a glass of wine at dinner... that’s honestly why the process has been healing for me. There really hasn’t been any toxic behaviors or too many crazy red flags yet... blocked a few of those from the beginning.
Wombaticus, ha! That gave me a good laugh! Initially I was expecting my date(s) to guzzle back drinks... and that I’d have to carry her home! I was seriously on edge. But honestly that never happened.
I put a “disclaimer” you could say on my dating profile (much respect but no alcoholics, addicts or smokers kindly worded)... and that’s helped a lot! One woman lied about smoking and we hit it off (before I knew) but once I did, I cut things off nicely.
I’ve made a stronger connection with one in particular. She’s taking things really slow with me. Haha (yes I’m not used to that!) As we always joke on here... yep, no drama = a tiny bit “boring” at first! Lol She’s really nice and “normal”... has a stable job, wants a vintage store down the road up in the mountains (like me!) and we laugh a lot! I’ve had a bit of a hard time with “attraction”... she’s very pretty, just different than I would expect myself to be attracted to. That’s where the healing kicks in! I know that I’m used to dysfunctional beauty so I’m just taking our relationship slow. It’s fun and casual.
But yeah dating “non addict” folks is such a trip! I’m not even dating women who drink more than a glass of wine at dinner... that’s honestly why the process has been healing for me. There really hasn’t been any toxic behaviors or too many crazy red flags yet... blocked a few of those from the beginning.
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Just remember, always...you’re what they used to call a catch. You’re smart, kind, respectful, empathetic, responsible, generous, and you listen.
I kinda want to fix you up with my daughter...but I don’t have one. Would being imaginary be a deal-breaker for you?
I kinda want to fix you up with my daughter...but I don’t have one. Would being imaginary be a deal-breaker for you?
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☺️ Oh Aries... I’m actually blushing! That made me feel really good!
I’ve said it before, but all the women on here are dream women... deeply caring, so empathetic, loving, steadfast, compassionate! You ladies have given me so very much... and I thank you endlessly for being there with advice and support. I’m healing because of the support I receive here!! Thanks to the men as well! Lol
I’ve said it before, but all the women on here are dream women... deeply caring, so empathetic, loving, steadfast, compassionate! You ladies have given me so very much... and I thank you endlessly for being there with advice and support. I’m healing because of the support I receive here!! Thanks to the men as well! Lol
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