Alcoholic father & enabler mother
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Alcoholic father & enabler mother
Hi,
I have an alcoholic dad, who last year finally admitted to being an alcoholic , this has been going on for around 30 years ... even though he has admitted it he has done nothing to stop it, I don’t even think he wants to stop, he has lost his family many times, but my mum always feels sorry for him and takes him back, I’m one of three children (all three of us are adults) and we deal with the situation so differently. My oldest brother is just like my mum they both enable my dad , I have nothing to do with my dad we don’t even speak although we live in the same house over the years I had developed avoidance behaviour I know the sounds of when he is around his foot steps up the stairs or his breathing I’ve learnt to be able to recognise these sounds so that I can avoid him at all costs because I hate him so much for all the **** he has put my mum and family through I don’t believe his sob stories he’s always the victim and I’m not interested in his doom and gloom , then there’s my younger brother who finally has realised what my dads like he completely agrees with me and sees my dad for what he really is, he hates my dad too yet he still speaks to him and has some what of a relationship however my dad has next to no relationship with any of us even my mum, he just kind of exists. I have been labelled the ‘bitch’ many times before anyone else could see through my dad like me I was always the one to be made out like it was my fault my parents had problems because i could see my dad for what he really is many years ago before anyone else wanted to I was made out to be the horrible one.. however now everyone finally sees dad for what he is yet my mum and older brother enables him even though he continues to drink and cause so many problems within the family. I am due to move out this year and I can’t wait to not have to be in the same space as him because I want nothing to do with him and his toxicity. What’s annoying is when he causes problems or has been drinking my mum comes to me and my younger brother and calls him everything under the sun and totally agrees with everything we say about dad but the next day when she wants to pretend like nothings happened and live a deluded life with him again she gets angry at us for still feeling angry and hate towards him so it’s very confusing. I refuse to change my opinion on my dad I believe he is no good a Useless husband and father a jealous alcoholic such a victim and I can’t bare to be involved in his strange warped life he has no morals or priorities he is selfish beyond believe I’m so done with him but it’s difficult to maintain a relationship with my mum and older brother because I feel they blame me for not allowing the family to be as one.
I have an alcoholic dad, who last year finally admitted to being an alcoholic , this has been going on for around 30 years ... even though he has admitted it he has done nothing to stop it, I don’t even think he wants to stop, he has lost his family many times, but my mum always feels sorry for him and takes him back, I’m one of three children (all three of us are adults) and we deal with the situation so differently. My oldest brother is just like my mum they both enable my dad , I have nothing to do with my dad we don’t even speak although we live in the same house over the years I had developed avoidance behaviour I know the sounds of when he is around his foot steps up the stairs or his breathing I’ve learnt to be able to recognise these sounds so that I can avoid him at all costs because I hate him so much for all the **** he has put my mum and family through I don’t believe his sob stories he’s always the victim and I’m not interested in his doom and gloom , then there’s my younger brother who finally has realised what my dads like he completely agrees with me and sees my dad for what he really is, he hates my dad too yet he still speaks to him and has some what of a relationship however my dad has next to no relationship with any of us even my mum, he just kind of exists. I have been labelled the ‘bitch’ many times before anyone else could see through my dad like me I was always the one to be made out like it was my fault my parents had problems because i could see my dad for what he really is many years ago before anyone else wanted to I was made out to be the horrible one.. however now everyone finally sees dad for what he is yet my mum and older brother enables him even though he continues to drink and cause so many problems within the family. I am due to move out this year and I can’t wait to not have to be in the same space as him because I want nothing to do with him and his toxicity. What’s annoying is when he causes problems or has been drinking my mum comes to me and my younger brother and calls him everything under the sun and totally agrees with everything we say about dad but the next day when she wants to pretend like nothings happened and live a deluded life with him again she gets angry at us for still feeling angry and hate towards him so it’s very confusing. I refuse to change my opinion on my dad I believe he is no good a Useless husband and father a jealous alcoholic such a victim and I can’t bare to be involved in his strange warped life he has no morals or priorities he is selfish beyond believe I’m so done with him but it’s difficult to maintain a relationship with my mum and older brother because I feel they blame me for not allowing the family to be as one.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
I am sorry for what brings you here, I cannot imagine what growing up in that environment must’ve been like for you.
it sounds like your mother is in denial, really and truly being the spouse of an alcoholic as I am, knowledge is power. Until someone is ready to really learn what the disease is and understand how it has affected their life, what you are describing seems like pretty normal behavior. Have you read any books on the subject? I am reading the “how Al Anon on Works “book and it is like it is speaking directly to me. You may find the same in your situation And could possibly provide some tidbits to your family members.
I am glad you found this forum, it has literally saved my life. The people on here will help you work through your feelings, keep posting and reading and reading some more.
it sounds like your mother is in denial, really and truly being the spouse of an alcoholic as I am, knowledge is power. Until someone is ready to really learn what the disease is and understand how it has affected their life, what you are describing seems like pretty normal behavior. Have you read any books on the subject? I am reading the “how Al Anon on Works “book and it is like it is speaking directly to me. You may find the same in your situation And could possibly provide some tidbits to your family members.
I am glad you found this forum, it has literally saved my life. The people on here will help you work through your feelings, keep posting and reading and reading some more.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome. I am so sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
Moving out is a necessity. It will be the best thing you ever do for yourself. Secondly, you have a right to make boundaries. Let your mom know you love her but you are unable to talk to her about your father since it's a toxic situation for YOU. You don't have to condone your behavior to anyone and have a right to a peaceful life.
I would recommend counseling with a counselor who really understands addiction for both you and your mom, and Alanon or Celebrate Recovery to give you some face to face support from people who understand.
Read the stickies at the tops of the forum. They are packed with great information.
There are three C's for you to remember. You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it. Good to share with your mom too!
Moving out is a necessity. It will be the best thing you ever do for yourself. Secondly, you have a right to make boundaries. Let your mom know you love her but you are unable to talk to her about your father since it's a toxic situation for YOU. You don't have to condone your behavior to anyone and have a right to a peaceful life.
I would recommend counseling with a counselor who really understands addiction for both you and your mom, and Alanon or Celebrate Recovery to give you some face to face support from people who understand.
Read the stickies at the tops of the forum. They are packed with great information.
There are three C's for you to remember. You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it. Good to share with your mom too!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Hi Daisy1 and welcome. Well I'm glad you are about to get the opportunity to move out, that's key. I think you will find with some distance that this doesn't bother you as much.
My Father was also an alcoholic and I have 2 siblings as well!
My Mother wasn't really an enabler, she knew exactly who my Father was and she did stay married to him for over 20 years. Once we were old enough, she left. The marriage was over long before that.
I also resented my Father at many points in my life (he has passed away). All I found was that you just have to kind of go with the flow. I made a boundary that I wouldn't talk to him on the phone if he had been drinking. He could call back when sober. I think that's an important one. Basically if he calls you, you just say, call me back when you are sober.
You can't change anyone else's behaviour. I don't think your Mother complaining to you and then just getting on with it is that unusual. Most couples have problems (although I would never recommend parents sharing that with their children or young adults), but once the "crisis" is over, things carry on. The person you tell should always be someone who can go along with that.
The fact that their crisis points are probably quite frequent is a bit beside the point.
I think you will have a new perspective once you are no longer living in his house. Also, I wouldn't worry too awfully much about how others view him, that's not your concern really. They are coming around slowly, Some will, some won't, doesn't matter to how you carry on.
I think you will also find, once you move out, that your focus changes a lot. You won't be surrounded by this chaos all the time. Perhaps the topic of your Father should be off limits with your Mom and Brother for the time being.
My Father was also an alcoholic and I have 2 siblings as well!
My Mother wasn't really an enabler, she knew exactly who my Father was and she did stay married to him for over 20 years. Once we were old enough, she left. The marriage was over long before that.
I also resented my Father at many points in my life (he has passed away). All I found was that you just have to kind of go with the flow. I made a boundary that I wouldn't talk to him on the phone if he had been drinking. He could call back when sober. I think that's an important one. Basically if he calls you, you just say, call me back when you are sober.
You can't change anyone else's behaviour. I don't think your Mother complaining to you and then just getting on with it is that unusual. Most couples have problems (although I would never recommend parents sharing that with their children or young adults), but once the "crisis" is over, things carry on. The person you tell should always be someone who can go along with that.
The fact that their crisis points are probably quite frequent is a bit beside the point.
I think you will have a new perspective once you are no longer living in his house. Also, I wouldn't worry too awfully much about how others view him, that's not your concern really. They are coming around slowly, Some will, some won't, doesn't matter to how you carry on.
I think you will also find, once you move out, that your focus changes a lot. You won't be surrounded by this chaos all the time. Perhaps the topic of your Father should be off limits with your Mom and Brother for the time being.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
I too, grew up in a house where I avoided my father and walked on eggshells constantly. I left home and the city i grew up in because of him.
I can see my mother still enabling my father, and although she acknowledges his bad behaviour, still blames it on his childhood (he's 75!!!!!) Or other random reason.
Sounds like you are on the right track. I'm sorry its so difficult. Keep coming back here.
I can see my mother still enabling my father, and although she acknowledges his bad behaviour, still blames it on his childhood (he's 75!!!!!) Or other random reason.
Sounds like you are on the right track. I'm sorry its so difficult. Keep coming back here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 4
Thank you for your support I’ve never spoken to anyone or been to any page before about this situation but I am pleased that there are other people like me out there that can relate.
I have built up so much anger towards to him various things he has done over the years I’ve lost total respect for him and I suppose I get frustrated when people expect me to be kinder to him or have a relationship with him just because they have chosen to believe his lies and give in to his manipulative behaviour. I feel once I move out this will help a lot because I won’t be stuck in the same unhealthy environment. My mum does fully understand how I feel as it’s completely justified but she has this perception that she doesn’t want to walk away from her marriage even though she is completely aware of how my dad is, I wish she could see how much happier he life would be if she left him as they don’t even really have a marriage they just live in the same house together if you like. I’ve come to realise that I don’t want to fix anything with my dad I don’t like him as a person even when he is sober he isn’t a nice person at all and I feel like I don’t need such a negative energy in my life what goodness does that bring. I am pleased I have found others on here that can relate to my situation though as I think for many years I’ve been confused thinking I’m in the wrong as I’m the only one who felt this way about him but as I’ve gotten older I’ve realised my feelings are justified and this is how I feel and no one has the right to tell me I can’t feel this way. At the end of the day my dad has made me feel
this way towards him and that’s the end of it.
I have built up so much anger towards to him various things he has done over the years I’ve lost total respect for him and I suppose I get frustrated when people expect me to be kinder to him or have a relationship with him just because they have chosen to believe his lies and give in to his manipulative behaviour. I feel once I move out this will help a lot because I won’t be stuck in the same unhealthy environment. My mum does fully understand how I feel as it’s completely justified but she has this perception that she doesn’t want to walk away from her marriage even though she is completely aware of how my dad is, I wish she could see how much happier he life would be if she left him as they don’t even really have a marriage they just live in the same house together if you like. I’ve come to realise that I don’t want to fix anything with my dad I don’t like him as a person even when he is sober he isn’t a nice person at all and I feel like I don’t need such a negative energy in my life what goodness does that bring. I am pleased I have found others on here that can relate to my situation though as I think for many years I’ve been confused thinking I’m in the wrong as I’m the only one who felt this way about him but as I’ve gotten older I’ve realised my feelings are justified and this is how I feel and no one has the right to tell me I can’t feel this way. At the end of the day my dad has made me feel
this way towards him and that’s the end of it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
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Originally Posted by FWN 
I am sorry for what brings you here, I cannot imagine what growing up in that environment must’ve been like for you.
it sounds like your mother is in denial, really and truly being the spouse of an alcoholic as I am, knowledge is power. Until someone is ready to really learn what the disease is and understand how it has affected their life, what you are describing seems like pretty normal behavior. Have you read any books on the subject? I am reading the “how Al Anon on Works “book and it is like it is speaking directly to me. You may find the same in your situation And could possibly provide some tidbits to your family members.
I am glad you found this forum, it has literally saved my life. The people on here will help you work through your feelings, keep posting and reading and reading some more.
it sounds like your mother is in denial, really and truly being the spouse of an alcoholic as I am, knowledge is power. Until someone is ready to really learn what the disease is and understand how it has affected their life, what you are describing seems like pretty normal behavior. Have you read any books on the subject? I am reading the “how Al Anon on Works “book and it is like it is speaking directly to me. You may find the same in your situation And could possibly provide some tidbits to your family members.
I am glad you found this forum, it has literally saved my life. The people on here will help you work through your feelings, keep posting and reading and reading some more.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Hello and welcome. I am so sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
Moving out is a necessity. It will be the best thing you ever do for yourself. Secondly, you have a right to make boundaries. Let your mom know you love her but you are unable to talk to her about your father since it's a toxic situation for YOU. You don't have to condone your behavior to anyone and have a right to a peaceful life.
I would recommend counseling with a counselor who really understands addiction for both you and your mom, and Alanon or Celebrate Recovery to give you some face to face support from people who understand.
Read the stickies at the tops of the forum. They are packed with great information.
There are three C's for you to remember. You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it. Good to share with your mom too!
Moving out is a necessity. It will be the best thing you ever do for yourself. Secondly, you have a right to make boundaries. Let your mom know you love her but you are unable to talk to her about your father since it's a toxic situation for YOU. You don't have to condone your behavior to anyone and have a right to a peaceful life.
I would recommend counseling with a counselor who really understands addiction for both you and your mom, and Alanon or Celebrate Recovery to give you some face to face support from people who understand.
Read the stickies at the tops of the forum. They are packed with great information.
There are three C's for you to remember. You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it. Good to share with your mom too!
I don’t feel like I want to go to counselling because I feel that once I move out hopefully around the summer time that’s my ticket out of this situation I have my own private space which is mine and it’s not something my dad can control I can refuse to see/ speak to him and there’s nothing he can do as it will be my house. If in the future I still haven’t dealt with my emotions because I have so much anger and hate towards him then I will consider counselling I just hate the fact he has impacted on my life , I want nothing to do with him but even when I have no relationship with him I feel he has still effected me by me continuing to have anger towards him.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Daisy,
Welcome and good for you for seeking support. There is a forum on soberrecovery called Adult children of Addicted/Alcoholic parents. I think besides the f & f (friends and family) you might look into that. That forum will give you more of a perspective from other children of addicts.
On this forum we all get what you are going through with the anger towards your dad. The problem is, is it comes out in ways that we are not proud of, we need to learn to deal with our anger. You have every right to "hate" your dad. I am sure that he has done some horrendous stuff to you, your siblings and of course your mom. Your mom has dealt this and has been groomed over the years of living with an addict. She would probably call it survival mode. She has not educated herself enough to empower herself to get out. But your mom is not your responsibility and neither is your dad.
What Daisy needs is to get support for her. If you can, not knowing how old you are, can you hit some alanon/alateen or open aa meetings. Seeking out an addiction therapist or school counselor for help. Go and read the new to recovery forum about addicts and alcoholics and see how they struggle everyday to stay sober. I am not trying to justify his drinking, I am just trying to have you open your mind that he is not drinking at you, because of you.... he is drinking because he has to, to fend off the shakes , anxiety, sweating or anything else that might happen if he detoxed alone.(even death) He probably has been drinking a long time, But you need to understand that there is a lot of support for you.
Keep reading all over this forum, you will learn a ton. Keep posting and asking questions. Once you learn that you can only help yourself, the gates open to endless possibilities for your eventual happiness and acceptance of you family situation.
Hugs you will be ok!
Welcome and good for you for seeking support. There is a forum on soberrecovery called Adult children of Addicted/Alcoholic parents. I think besides the f & f (friends and family) you might look into that. That forum will give you more of a perspective from other children of addicts.
On this forum we all get what you are going through with the anger towards your dad. The problem is, is it comes out in ways that we are not proud of, we need to learn to deal with our anger. You have every right to "hate" your dad. I am sure that he has done some horrendous stuff to you, your siblings and of course your mom. Your mom has dealt this and has been groomed over the years of living with an addict. She would probably call it survival mode. She has not educated herself enough to empower herself to get out. But your mom is not your responsibility and neither is your dad.
What Daisy needs is to get support for her. If you can, not knowing how old you are, can you hit some alanon/alateen or open aa meetings. Seeking out an addiction therapist or school counselor for help. Go and read the new to recovery forum about addicts and alcoholics and see how they struggle everyday to stay sober. I am not trying to justify his drinking, I am just trying to have you open your mind that he is not drinking at you, because of you.... he is drinking because he has to, to fend off the shakes , anxiety, sweating or anything else that might happen if he detoxed alone.(even death) He probably has been drinking a long time, But you need to understand that there is a lot of support for you.
Keep reading all over this forum, you will learn a ton. Keep posting and asking questions. Once you learn that you can only help yourself, the gates open to endless possibilities for your eventual happiness and acceptance of you family situation.
Hugs you will be ok!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I don’t feel like I want to go to counselling because I feel that once I move out hopefully around the summer time that’s my ticket out of this situation
Daisy1mia,
Welcome
Such a tough situation but you have some good clear-eyed assessments and that is a great start. While I understand your feeling that once you move out you will feel free of the craziness going on at home, for me that was when the craziness in my head began! For me, AlAnon and one-on-one counseling was the ticket out of Crazy Town.
Unfortunately, because my childhood had been soaked in that alkie/enabling dynamic I had some pretty warped ideas about myself, about men, and about how intimate relationships work when they are healthy!
Oh, I thought I was so clever when I married a man who had no drug or alcohol issues....little did I know I still had chosen a man whose bad financial and health habits I wanted so desperately to change (yet he was not going to change!) and whose behavior I enabled -- until I woke up after 7 years and 2 kids and said out loud to myself, I am not my mother, I am not going to endure this feeling for decades and spread this dynamic to my children... and I got out and got therapy that seriously untangled these issues for me. I had recreated the dynamic from my childhood perfectly just minus the alcohol = still totally awful and unhealthy.
So just a positive vote from me for getting some counseling, which can never begin too soon, so you can truly break free of this dynamic and figure out how you will engage with your loved ones in a safe and healthy way. Sending you a shot of courage and glad you are here.
The past is gone. You are free in this moment.
Peace,
B
Daisy1mia,
Welcome
Such a tough situation but you have some good clear-eyed assessments and that is a great start. While I understand your feeling that once you move out you will feel free of the craziness going on at home, for me that was when the craziness in my head began! For me, AlAnon and one-on-one counseling was the ticket out of Crazy Town.
Unfortunately, because my childhood had been soaked in that alkie/enabling dynamic I had some pretty warped ideas about myself, about men, and about how intimate relationships work when they are healthy!
Oh, I thought I was so clever when I married a man who had no drug or alcohol issues....little did I know I still had chosen a man whose bad financial and health habits I wanted so desperately to change (yet he was not going to change!) and whose behavior I enabled -- until I woke up after 7 years and 2 kids and said out loud to myself, I am not my mother, I am not going to endure this feeling for decades and spread this dynamic to my children... and I got out and got therapy that seriously untangled these issues for me. I had recreated the dynamic from my childhood perfectly just minus the alcohol = still totally awful and unhealthy.
So just a positive vote from me for getting some counseling, which can never begin too soon, so you can truly break free of this dynamic and figure out how you will engage with your loved ones in a safe and healthy way. Sending you a shot of courage and glad you are here.
The past is gone. You are free in this moment.
Peace,
B
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
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Your post reminded me very much of my own family dynamics. When I finally started talking to people about the abuse that our "nanny" inflicted on us, it started such a s$#$show. I also felt like you - once I moved out the situation was going to be over and that was that. What I didn't anticipate was when I landed in a safe place my guard would be let down and all the emotions- the anxiety, the panic, the anger, the depression - erupted out of me like a dormant volcano come back to life. And when I did tell my parents what happened, my sister and father wanted me so badly to forgive my abuser as if absolutely nothing happened. My sister even said that we had deserved it because we were spoiled brats. She just internalized everything and let's just say she's the primary reason why I started posting on this board.
My extended family certainly saw me as the "bitch" but once they saw my sister falling apart I think they began to realize that perhaps there was an actual reason why I acted the way that I did (going No Contact with the woman who took care of us).
But even though I know what I did was right, I _STILL_ go to therapy even decades later just to process the whole thing. Sometimes I am still extremely resentful for the way that woman impacted the way I think and feel but, I also know that she gave me unintended lessons that ended up being quite valuable. I can read the room like no one's business. I know that if I'm thrown into an uncomfortable situation, I can usually figure my way out of it. I know that I've been tested and I can endure. I suspect you have those lessons too.
I understand the reason why the woman who took care of us acted the way that she did - I can even empathize with it. To me, that in itself is an act of forgiveness and nothing else is required of me. I'm certainly not going to plaster a smile on my face and be in a room alone with her. And I have friends, very good friends, who know my story and have my back. And we commiserate about our broken families and celebrate our triumphs despite and because of our respective histories, and at the end of the day, that is family enough for me.
My extended family certainly saw me as the "bitch" but once they saw my sister falling apart I think they began to realize that perhaps there was an actual reason why I acted the way that I did (going No Contact with the woman who took care of us).
But even though I know what I did was right, I _STILL_ go to therapy even decades later just to process the whole thing. Sometimes I am still extremely resentful for the way that woman impacted the way I think and feel but, I also know that she gave me unintended lessons that ended up being quite valuable. I can read the room like no one's business. I know that if I'm thrown into an uncomfortable situation, I can usually figure my way out of it. I know that I've been tested and I can endure. I suspect you have those lessons too.
I understand the reason why the woman who took care of us acted the way that she did - I can even empathize with it. To me, that in itself is an act of forgiveness and nothing else is required of me. I'm certainly not going to plaster a smile on my face and be in a room alone with her. And I have friends, very good friends, who know my story and have my back. And we commiserate about our broken families and celebrate our triumphs despite and because of our respective histories, and at the end of the day, that is family enough for me.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It's difficult to watch your mom I am sure. I know several couples in relationships like this. I think it's so generational. It's just not acceptable for them to leave. Sad as that is.
I am so glad you are going to get a space of your own. It will bring you so much peace.
I am glad you are here! SR is a place of great support.
I am so glad you are going to get a space of your own. It will bring you so much peace.
I am glad you are here! SR is a place of great support.
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