Coming off of a rough Holiday season
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Coming off of a rough Holiday season
After a difficult holiday break over the past 3 weeks, I had my scheduled counseling session yesterday. I started crying within the 1st 3 minutes. My AH has more time off around the holidays, in addition to coming up with illnesses as to why he needs to extend his weekends.
I think my AH is becoming less functional. So many times, I'd come home from work and he'd be passed out drunk. I actually think it's a bit of a relief to find that he's sleeping it off as opposed to having to deal with him pretending to be sober. I spent New Years Eve alone, since he passed out before 8pm. Actions speak so much louder than words.
I told my counselor that I was finding it harder to find a reason to stay in this marriage. I'm getting very little out of it. After telling her some things that he says (lots of manipulation, IMO), she wonders if he's got Borderline Personality Disorder. I, honestly, know nothing about that but apparently it's not uncommon with those that have addiction(s).
I continue to tell myself. You didn't Cause it. You can't Control it. And you certainly can't Cure it.
I think my AH is becoming less functional. So many times, I'd come home from work and he'd be passed out drunk. I actually think it's a bit of a relief to find that he's sleeping it off as opposed to having to deal with him pretending to be sober. I spent New Years Eve alone, since he passed out before 8pm. Actions speak so much louder than words.
I told my counselor that I was finding it harder to find a reason to stay in this marriage. I'm getting very little out of it. After telling her some things that he says (lots of manipulation, IMO), she wonders if he's got Borderline Personality Disorder. I, honestly, know nothing about that but apparently it's not uncommon with those that have addiction(s).
I continue to tell myself. You didn't Cause it. You can't Control it. And you certainly can't Cure it.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
BPD, sociopathy, narcissism, depression, anxiety, OCD, ADHD, how on earth could anyone say with an alcoholic.
I think, when they are truly in to their addiction, it would be impossible to diagnose. I think alcoholism can look like all of the above on some days (or heck, all the time).
Alcoholism is also a mental illness (in my opinion), which symptoms to all the above does it share? Many.
If you are getting nothing out of it, why do you stay?
I think, when they are truly in to their addiction, it would be impossible to diagnose. I think alcoholism can look like all of the above on some days (or heck, all the time).
Alcoholism is also a mental illness (in my opinion), which symptoms to all the above does it share? Many.
If you are getting nothing out of it, why do you stay?
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
BPD, sociopathy, narcissism, depression, anxiety, OCD, ADHD, how on earth could anyone say with an alcoholic.
I think, when they are truly in to their addiction, it would be impossible to diagnose. I think alcoholism can look like all of the above on some days (or heck, all the time).
Alcoholism is also a mental illness (in my opinion), which symptoms to all the above does it share? Many.
If you are getting nothing out of it, why do you stay?
I think, when they are truly in to their addiction, it would be impossible to diagnose. I think alcoholism can look like all of the above on some days (or heck, all the time).
Alcoholism is also a mental illness (in my opinion), which symptoms to all the above does it share? Many.
If you are getting nothing out of it, why do you stay?
Every so often, he pulls me back in and I get a glimpse of who I married. There are still some good times.
2 reasons
1. I don't want to hurt him.
2. I worry about what's to happen if I did walk away as I think he's suicidal. Is it narcissistic of me to think that? I know that I'm not responsible for his actions, and I have no control over that but thinking about the guilt that would consume me. . . .
Also-to be honest, I'm a bit afraid. I'm afraid of being alone. Would it be even lonelier than being with him? I don't have kids. I have few friends that I only get together with every so often (I'm an introvert). I don't have a real strong support system.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I can understand that. I'm pretty much an introvert too (with times of being social), so I know where you are coming from.
The thing is with us introverts, we really need to enjoy our own company! Maybe you would if given half a chance?
Why do you think you would be alone? How do you know you wouldn't meet someone else? How do you know that friendships might come more easily if you weren't stuck at home with an alcoholic?
Having a warm body in the house isn't really giving you much is it? There is nothing to say you couldn't have a room mate if you did decide to separate.
I guess really all I'm saying is that pretty much any option is kind of better than having someone passed out on the couch and being relieved?
Of course the options are yours. It sounds like his alcoholism is progressing. Eventually you will probably become his caretaker (you kind of already are right?).
You know, about hurting him. By giving him a soft place to land all the time, that is enabling him. Enabling him to continue drinking with very little consequence. If he keeps calling in to work "sick" is it possible he may lose his job soon?
The thing is with us introverts, we really need to enjoy our own company! Maybe you would if given half a chance?
Why do you think you would be alone? How do you know you wouldn't meet someone else? How do you know that friendships might come more easily if you weren't stuck at home with an alcoholic?
Having a warm body in the house isn't really giving you much is it? There is nothing to say you couldn't have a room mate if you did decide to separate.
I guess really all I'm saying is that pretty much any option is kind of better than having someone passed out on the couch and being relieved?
Of course the options are yours. It sounds like his alcoholism is progressing. Eventually you will probably become his caretaker (you kind of already are right?).
You know, about hurting him. By giving him a soft place to land all the time, that is enabling him. Enabling him to continue drinking with very little consequence. If he keeps calling in to work "sick" is it possible he may lose his job soon?
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I can understand that. I'm pretty much an introvert too (with times of being social), so I know where you are coming from.
The thing is with us introverts, we really need to enjoy our own company! Maybe you would if given half a chance?
Why do you think you would be alone? How do you know you wouldn't meet someone else? How do you know that friendships might come more easily if you weren't stuck at home with an alcoholic?
Having a warm body in the house isn't really giving you much is it? There is nothing to say you couldn't have a room mate if you did decide to separate.
I guess really all I'm saying is that pretty much any option is kind of better than having someone passed out on the couch and being relieved?
Of course the options are yours. It sounds like his alcoholism is progressing. Eventually you will probably become his caretaker (you kind of already are right?).
You know, about hurting him. By giving him a soft place to land all the time, that is enabling him. Enabling him to continue drinking with very little consequence. If he keeps calling in to work "sick" is it possible he may lose his job soon?
The thing is with us introverts, we really need to enjoy our own company! Maybe you would if given half a chance?
Why do you think you would be alone? How do you know you wouldn't meet someone else? How do you know that friendships might come more easily if you weren't stuck at home with an alcoholic?
Having a warm body in the house isn't really giving you much is it? There is nothing to say you couldn't have a room mate if you did decide to separate.
I guess really all I'm saying is that pretty much any option is kind of better than having someone passed out on the couch and being relieved?
Of course the options are yours. It sounds like his alcoholism is progressing. Eventually you will probably become his caretaker (you kind of already are right?).
You know, about hurting him. By giving him a soft place to land all the time, that is enabling him. Enabling him to continue drinking with very little consequence. If he keeps calling in to work "sick" is it possible he may lose his job soon?
I don't have a problem doing things by myself- Movies, out to eat, shopping. It doesn't bother me. We went on vacation just recently and I took many walks on the beach by myself, went to dinner by myself. I've never needed constant companionship but not sure how I would handle being alone long term. I guess I should have said that I'm not afraid of being alone but I am afraid of being lonely. But, yes, I'm already lonely because his #1 love is alcohol.
I want to do a trial separation, but I've always thought that a separation is really the first step towards divorce. And if it is, so be it. But I'm not quite there yet. I don't know how to work out the financials of it too. I don't know if we can afford the house plus an apartment for me.
I'm afraid of the change that I'm thinking about more and more, yet I know that it's just a matter of time and I'll find the courage to finally do it.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
What has helped me is focussing on what I want. This has taken a year of counseling.
I want a relationship in which my daily challenges are listened to, my goals and dreams are heard etc. I'm currently focussing on emotional damage control.
I too have worried about hurting him and what he will do to himself if I leave, but lets face it - they are already killing themselves with their drinking and we haven't stopped that.
We have the right to a peaceful life.
I want a relationship in which my daily challenges are listened to, my goals and dreams are heard etc. I'm currently focussing on emotional damage control.
I too have worried about hurting him and what he will do to himself if I leave, but lets face it - they are already killing themselves with their drinking and we haven't stopped that.
We have the right to a peaceful life.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
There are a lot of unanswered questions which, yes, can cause anxiety.
So how do you overcome that? By getting facts and having experience.
Is it possible you could get away for a couple of weeks on your own? Maybe rent and airbnb or something - so you can try out living alone?
As for the financials, write it down, work it out, what does he make what do you make, can he afford to pay the mortgage or rent at your house? Look at a few rentals, as in actually go there and look, find out what they cost and what you can get for what you can afford.
Research legal separation in your area.
It will seem much less daunting once you do the ground work.
Now whether you choose to stay or go after that is entirely your call, but at least give yourself a chance to have all the facts so you can make the best decision for yourself. You are certainly worth that.
So how do you overcome that? By getting facts and having experience.
Is it possible you could get away for a couple of weeks on your own? Maybe rent and airbnb or something - so you can try out living alone?
As for the financials, write it down, work it out, what does he make what do you make, can he afford to pay the mortgage or rent at your house? Look at a few rentals, as in actually go there and look, find out what they cost and what you can get for what you can afford.
Research legal separation in your area.
It will seem much less daunting once you do the ground work.
Now whether you choose to stay or go after that is entirely your call, but at least give yourself a chance to have all the facts so you can make the best decision for yourself. You are certainly worth that.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
1. I don't want to hurt him.
2. I worry about what's to happen if I did walk away as I think he's suicidal. Is it narcissistic of me to think that? I know that I'm not responsible for his actions, and I have no control over that but thinking about the guilt that would consume me. . . .
while this is not a competition - i'm curious exactly how much of HIS thinking time do you estimate he has put to the above thinking about YOU?
is he concerned about your welfare? your emotional state? your financial state?
"i don't want to hurt him" is about as common a statement from the non-using partner as is "i will support him in his recovery" - the key words HURT and SUPPORT - which both indicate the belief that what WE do really has that much impact on what THEY do.
how about if you worry about how YOU feel and let him worry about his own grown up emotional state of being? he's been doing what he's been doing and he is gonna keep doing what he's doing. as is HIS choice. you are not the lynch pin here.
2. I worry about what's to happen if I did walk away as I think he's suicidal. Is it narcissistic of me to think that? I know that I'm not responsible for his actions, and I have no control over that but thinking about the guilt that would consume me. . . .
while this is not a competition - i'm curious exactly how much of HIS thinking time do you estimate he has put to the above thinking about YOU?
is he concerned about your welfare? your emotional state? your financial state?
"i don't want to hurt him" is about as common a statement from the non-using partner as is "i will support him in his recovery" - the key words HURT and SUPPORT - which both indicate the belief that what WE do really has that much impact on what THEY do.
how about if you worry about how YOU feel and let him worry about his own grown up emotional state of being? he's been doing what he's been doing and he is gonna keep doing what he's doing. as is HIS choice. you are not the lynch pin here.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I was HELD HOSTAGE, that is right, as a mental hostage, in my marriage for years because my XAH would threaten he would kill himself. Through enough counseling I came to realize that even though it would be tragic, if he made that choice, it would be his. He had every chance, all the support, all the money, all the rehab at his fingertips, and he MADE THE CHOICE to continue to be a drunk. I did all I could.
My point here is that although it's sad, if he would make the choice, it's not on you. You cannot control him, or his choices. It's a lot to absorb, but it's so true. You deserve a life with happiness. You only have one chance at life, should this be it?
FYI...my XAH never committed suicide. He quickly found another "mommy" to take care of him and quickly married her. Now, she is miserable, and he is still an addict. It's hard truth.
However, I am free!!!!
Big hugs.
My point here is that although it's sad, if he would make the choice, it's not on you. You cannot control him, or his choices. It's a lot to absorb, but it's so true. You deserve a life with happiness. You only have one chance at life, should this be it?
FYI...my XAH never committed suicide. He quickly found another "mommy" to take care of him and quickly married her. Now, she is miserable, and he is still an addict. It's hard truth.
However, I am free!!!!
Big hugs.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Something that I have observed about alcohol addicts: they just keep lowering the bar until we have no expectations about them at all.
We don’t expect from our partners what other people expect.
Love, empathy, courtesy, respect, help with stuff.
We don’t expect it because we know we won’t get it.
This is not normal, and it’s no way to live.
I have been on this forum for several years, and I have never, ever seen a text from a partner of an addict that states regret for leaving.
Often they say they wish they had done it a lot sooner.
We don’t expect from our partners what other people expect.
Love, empathy, courtesy, respect, help with stuff.
We don’t expect it because we know we won’t get it.
This is not normal, and it’s no way to live.
I have been on this forum for several years, and I have never, ever seen a text from a partner of an addict that states regret for leaving.
Often they say they wish they had done it a lot sooner.
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