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Join Date: Apr 2019
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I feel like such an idiot for emotionally crashing.
But yes ironically on the day she called me... I was leaving a job. It was actually the last place where she knew about. We now have nothing connecting us.
I know I’ll get through this. Just sucks to realize a major setback can happen just hearing her voice.
But yes ironically on the day she called me... I was leaving a job. It was actually the last place where she knew about. We now have nothing connecting us.
I know I’ll get through this. Just sucks to realize a major setback can happen just hearing her voice.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Maybe we can wait to decide whether or not this is classified as a "major" setback in a couple of days, eh?
Try not to be too hard on yourself because you have feelings. You're human, it comes with the territory.
Try not to be too hard on yourself because you have feelings. You're human, it comes with the territory.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
A big part of what you’re experiencing is no doubt biochemical. She blindsided you and your body dumped a huge jolt of adrenaline and cortisol into your bloodstream.
Then all the dormant neuroreceptors that associate her voice with both pleasure and pain woke up.
So you basically have a toxin exposure hangover and the byproduct of most hangovers is anxiety and regret.
Be gentle with yourself. Eat well, lots of water, exercise outside if you can. You should be feeling grounded again soon.
Then all the dormant neuroreceptors that associate her voice with both pleasure and pain woke up.
So you basically have a toxin exposure hangover and the byproduct of most hangovers is anxiety and regret.
Be gentle with yourself. Eat well, lots of water, exercise outside if you can. You should be feeling grounded again soon.
Reactions to shocks like what you describe are physiological as well as psychological. Your sympathetic nervous system registers contact from your ex as a fight-or-flight situation because it (perhaps unlike your conscious mind) perceives this as danger. The sympathetic nervous system can’t tell the difference between a physical threat (sabre-toothed tiger jumps out of the bushes) and a psychological one (someone with whom you have a long attachment history is trying to get you back in their net).
So a ton of catecholamines, including adrenaline, are dumped from your adrenal glands into the rest of your body prepping you to run or fight for your life. This cascade can leave you feeling shaky, sweaty, nauseated, hyperaware etc for a long time, long after your brain has processed the fact that you aren’t physically in danger and stood down red alert.
For me, understanding the interaction between sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system and how they respond to cues from the external environment was huge, and helped me understand that I wasn’t crazy when dealing with my ex made me feel physically sick - I just had lots of chemicals and electricity running around inside me.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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LifeChange……building on the coattails of Ariesagain's chemical reassurance...…
Remember that you are still, even with your co nsiderable progress, less than a full year out of the belly of the beast.
You spent Years of bonding....as well of trauma bonding, I will venture....
It takes a longer time to break that kind of bonding.....more time than you have anticipated.....
In my opinion....even more reason to resolve to maintain an iron hold on No Contact...…
I agree with Aries....you will get past this....
Keep your head turned in the forward direction....try not to look backwards---because that is not where you are going....
When you find yourself beginning to obsess about this---redirect your thoughts! You CAN do that.....
Remember that you are still, even with your co nsiderable progress, less than a full year out of the belly of the beast.
You spent Years of bonding....as well of trauma bonding, I will venture....
It takes a longer time to break that kind of bonding.....more time than you have anticipated.....
In my opinion....even more reason to resolve to maintain an iron hold on No Contact...…
I agree with Aries....you will get past this....
Keep your head turned in the forward direction....try not to look backwards---because that is not where you are going....
When you find yourself beginning to obsess about this---redirect your thoughts! You CAN do that.....
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Heya Lifechange, you will probably have some ups and downs for a bit after this phone call. Ride them the best you can.
It is a bit horrifying to realize how emotionally/mentally/spiritually fragile we all are and I do think ALL humans are fragile to a certain extent.
I remember being a year or two out from leaving my XABF. We had gone to school together and I was going back to grad-school. One evening, I was in a restaurant near campus meeting with other students. My chair faced a window. All of a sudden my pulse accelerated. I was confused and had to think back to figure out what had happened. I realized some one had walked past the window wearing the some color coat with a red backpack that my Ex had worn. I was shocked that I physically reacted so strongly to something so mild.
It is a bit horrifying to realize how emotionally/mentally/spiritually fragile we all are and I do think ALL humans are fragile to a certain extent.
I remember being a year or two out from leaving my XABF. We had gone to school together and I was going back to grad-school. One evening, I was in a restaurant near campus meeting with other students. My chair faced a window. All of a sudden my pulse accelerated. I was confused and had to think back to figure out what had happened. I realized some one had walked past the window wearing the some color coat with a red backpack that my Ex had worn. I was shocked that I physically reacted so strongly to something so mild.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Hi Aries, slightly better but I’m definitely not where I was prior to her call. I’m not sleeping well... racing thoughts, loneliness...
Then this morning, a new client called... an older woman and she was slurring her words. Said she broke her toe and was having a drink (it was 10am). I have a meeting with her today. UGH. All those memories fled back in.
I know I’m a much stronger man today, than 6 years ago. I will level out again. But that damn call...
Always something, right? Life. All I can dream about is my cabin in the woods that I’m saving up for. Of course I’m sure I’d encounter the one alcoholic bear.
Then this morning, a new client called... an older woman and she was slurring her words. Said she broke her toe and was having a drink (it was 10am). I have a meeting with her today. UGH. All those memories fled back in.
I know I’m a much stronger man today, than 6 years ago. I will level out again. But that damn call...
Always something, right? Life. All I can dream about is my cabin in the woods that I’m saving up for. Of course I’m sure I’d encounter the one alcoholic bear.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Years ago, I loved someone very much, like here’s my heart love.
He treated me badly and we broke up.
But for a long, long time I would have gone back.
He had only to ask.
Time heals everything.
Good thoughts, LC.
He treated me badly and we broke up.
But for a long, long time I would have gone back.
He had only to ask.
Time heals everything.
Good thoughts, LC.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Maudcat,Your story is honestly how I always feel...
on the verge of both love and hate with her. In the past, I left... moved out... and returned 5x!
Yes, time does heal. She was my first love so it’s even more challenging for me.
on the verge of both love and hate with her. In the past, I left... moved out... and returned 5x!
Yes, time does heal. She was my first love so it’s even more challenging for me.
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