Another update

Old 01-14-2020, 05:21 PM
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Another update

So just a quick update. After his trip he promised me all the things. It’s gonna be better. I’m gonna quit. You know all the things to suck you right back in. And of course I’m crazy and fell for it all.

Anyways, things really did go good for a few days. Then he fell right back in. Drunk Sunday called into work on Monday (drunk all day) decided Tuesday (today) he needed another day to recover and try to straighten himself out. So called into work again.

So I go into work (which is right down from my house) he calls around lunch. Let me take you to lunch. I say ok. He shows up. Of course he makes me drive. I knew immediately he was drinking. I get in the car take off and he starts with the slurring I’m sorrys. I’m gonna get back on track. I don’t know why I do this. He is so drunk he can barely talk.

I said let’s just go thru a drive thru. I really don’t wanna go inside. He said I’m not going thru a drive thru just take me home. Fast forward. We go back to my work. Which is where his mom is. We work together. Just during tax season. Anyways. I walk in and say he’s drunk we just came back. He walks in sits down with her. Next thing I know she calls me in to her office and said he wants help. She loads him up and they go to an addiction urgent care facility. Which they are supposed to keep him for 24 hours. Then transfer him to a detox facility.

I didn’t go with him. He hugged me bye and apologized. He was crying. His mom was crying. I felt happy he was going. But I had no emotion whatsoever.

he called me before they took his phone. I told him I was proud of him and wanted him to get better.

his mom called me when she left him. She was crying so bad. I feel bad that I feel so cold toward this. I have begged him to get some sort of help. And he’s took a step and I am just empty. I mean don’t get me wrong I’m glad he’s there. But I feel nothing. I feel numb to the whole thing.

I know detox is not something that’s gonna fix everything. I know this. But at least he’s made some sort of effort. His mom thinks this is a fix all. I know it’s not. But I wanna be positive. But I just feel nothing. Is this wrong?? Maybe it will hit me later.

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Old 01-14-2020, 05:33 PM
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clowery - all you can do is learn to love them unconditionally, be supportive where you can and accept that you can not control their destiny. It is a great step that he is headed the right direction but only he alone can direct the path he wants his life to take. It is perfectly normal to feel numb to protect yourself from the heartache and disappointment if the detox doesn't stick. I am sending positive thoughts your way.
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Old 01-14-2020, 06:43 PM
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Originally Posted by clowery0508 View Post
So just a quick update. After his trip he promised me all the things. It’s gonna be better. I’m gonna quit. You know all the things to suck you right back in. And of course I’m crazy and fell for it all.

Anyways, things really did go good for a few days. Then he fell right back in. Drunk Sunday called into work on Monday (drunk all day) decided Tuesday (today) he needed another day to recover and try to straighten himself out. So called into work again.

So I go into work (which is right down from my house) he calls around lunch. Let me take you to lunch. I say ok. He shows up. Of course he makes me drive. I knew immediately he was drinking. I get in the car take off and he starts with the slurring I’m sorrys. I’m gonna get back on track. I don’t know why I do this. He is so drunk he can barely talk.

I said let’s just go thru a drive thru. I really don’t wanna go inside. He said I’m not going thru a drive thru just take me home. Fast forward. We go back to my work. Which is where his mom is. We work together. Just during tax season. Anyways. I walk in and say he’s drunk we just came back. He walks in sits down with her. Next thing I know she calls me in to her office and said he wants help. She loads him up and they go to an addiction urgent care facility. Which they are supposed to keep him for 24 hours. Then transfer him to a detox facility.

I didn’t go with him. He hugged me bye and apologized. He was crying. His mom was crying. I felt happy he was going. But I had no emotion whatsoever.

he called me before they took his phone. I told him I was proud of him and wanted him to get better.

his mom called me when she left him. She was crying so bad. I feel bad that I feel so cold toward this. I have begged him to get some sort of help. And he’s took a step and I am just empty. I mean don’t get me wrong I’m glad he’s there. But I feel nothing. I feel numb to the whole thing.

I know detox is not something that’s gonna fix everything. I know this. But at least he’s made some sort of effort. His mom thinks this is a fix all. I know it’s not. But I wanna be positive. But I just feel nothing. Is this wrong?? Maybe it will hit me later.

I think the "feeling nothing" is normal. I can attest in many ways. After a while, when the drunk times and residual fallout become the norm and not the exception, this is what we end up focusing on as the person/personality we love, or once loved, is now not the norm but the exception.

However, it seems like over time once we are removed from the situation some, the feelings of love and thoughts about the person we fell in love with come back, its almost like our minds want us to remember the "good" and not the bad. I'm feeling this as we speak. Can't get the thoughts of the good times, laughs and smiles out of my head, while as little as a week ago I felt as you do or did, almost "nothing". It's a very tough journey for sure-
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Old 01-14-2020, 07:09 PM
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I think feeling nothing is normal. My ex quit several times and I always felt something. The last year couple,of years before he finally really got sober were not fun for me and I detached more and more. Then I hit my rock bottom and confronted him and gave him an ultimatum. I wanted to give him one more chance. He apparently at that point was ready to quit just needed that finally kick in the butt. And I was serious about giving him one last chance but I didn’t not realize that I was done. I was so detached and emotionally I had just had it. I never recovered from that and we ended up divorcing 2 years after he went to rehab. He is still clean luckily as w have a kid but I still do t regret not being married to him anymore.
I think when you go through this multiple times you just get numb as you know how it will end up. And detox is useless unless he follows with some sort of actual rehab whether it is inpatient, intensive outpatient, lots of AA meetings, individual counseling etc. It has to come from him. Detox is only to get people sober safely. I hope he is serious about wanting to get help but I can’t help but feel that he screwed up and is trying to make up for that, at least short term until he ropes you back in with his promises. Without getting professional help he is unlikely to stay clean and it will only be a matter of time before he drinks again.
Are you getting help for yourself? Counseling, Alanon? I felt bad that I was so cold to my ex as well but honestly, with all the crap I put up with over the years it really isn’t a surprise. We can only put up with so much
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Old 01-14-2020, 11:04 PM
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Clowery…..it looks, to me, like you have not, yet, fully accepted the reality that your husband is an alcoholic and is just doing what acoholics do....
I know it is really, really hard to accept.....
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Old 01-15-2020, 07:29 AM
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That numbness can just be a defense. Your mind/body has said, well that's enough of that rollercoaster, we are getting off whether you like it or not.

I have felt this from time to time, also felt detachment and while it used to annoy me at first I now welcome that detachment, enjoy it. When things are emotionally volatile it's a little oasis.

It can be temporary if it is emotional numbness or maybe you are just done - done with all the emotional ups and downs.

No it isn't wrong, it's how you feel. No one is an endless well of compassion - no one.
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Old 01-15-2020, 09:24 AM
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Well it was short lived. He checked out of detox. Now I do have emotions. Very disappointed
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Old 01-15-2020, 11:00 AM
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Originally Posted by clowery0508 View Post
Well it was short lived. He checked out of detox. Now I do have emotions. Very disappointed
Why?

Did you believe he would go through with it "this time"?

Clowery you and he have been at this for 7 years (I say this with kindness btw). He really hasn't shown any sign whatsoever in quitting or wanting to quit.

If you are going to stay you (for your own sanity) would be wise to lower your expectations.

What you have had is just more alcoholic drama, nothing more, nothing less. You end up in a car with a drunk driver. He comes in to the workplace and he is crying and his Mom is crying.

It means nothing. Unless and until he makes a decision to seek treatment, it's all just more of the same old drama playing out.

Meantime, he is abusive to you and I know this also affects your children and will for the rest of their lives.

Right now you are dancing to alcoholism's tune. It is the focus of your life, it is running your life.

You are the only person that can change that, never look to him for a solution, that is a mistake.
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Old 01-15-2020, 11:37 AM
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Anyways, things really did go good for a few days. Then he fell right back in.

right now, your life and your GOOD days are based solely on whether or not someone ELSE consumed alcohol or not. and how drunk the consumer got.

is that really any way to live? should not OUR days be based on......US?

i am not at all surprised his "detox" and "gonna change" were so short lived. because it's been the exact same song and dance for years.

first, since you knew he HAD been drinking and was unable to make it to work, his later call to "invite" you to lunch should have got an automatic NO.

when he showed up DRUNK, that should have been an automatic NO. not a bargain to hit the drive thru on YOUR lunch break.

you have choices. you do not have to deal with any of this, or at least you do not have to let HIS crap stink up your life. you can leave him to it.
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Old 01-15-2020, 05:06 PM
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As much as we want our addicts to embrace recovery, it also has to be a true and honest effort on their part. I’m getting the feeling this is unfortunately not the case. I’m sorry for that. Even if he did embrace sobriety, right now, would you be “all in” 100%? Would you want to stay with him, during and after? That’s the tough question. Also one that deserves a true and honest answer, from yourself, for yourself. It’s time to put YOU first for a change.

I too feel pretty much emotionless towards my AH. I simply can’t let that chaos back into my life. I look at him now and don’t feel much of anything. It’s scary, yet one of the only things that saves me right now. I don’t know quite what to call it, self preservation? So you are not alone or wrong in that. It’s called being human, and one can only handle so much before we start to break.

Dont let your AH’s drinking, detox, rehab, sobriety or lack thereof deter you from what you deserve. You know you and your children are what matters most. Empower yourself and let him worry about him. When all is said and done you can only rely on one person in your life to make things better, YOU 💗
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