Smarie78

Hi Friends,
I feel terrible for only coming on here when I need help. I realize it is selfish and I should devote some of my time to helping others get me through the most difficult (thus far!...wait for it) time of my life. Please know I have always and continue to always appreciate the support. Not sure if you have any idea how much you helped me grow and stand up when I couldn't by myself. I will forever be indebted to the lot of you.

Well, I've got a whopper for you this time and somehow I am struggling so much to find the right answer and I thought, well you all (you know who you are) have always lent guidance to me in ways that has helped me tremendously. I think I will give it a whirl. Last time I posted it was about a relationship I stumbled into after leaving my XABF. I went from the frying pan to the fire as many untreated codies do, and discovered he was abusive as you may recall. After some soul searching I got my strength up and left him before anything could progress. Actually I left pretty shortly after I was posting like a miserable fool on here! I must have hit my head because I very quickly became un-attracted to him and actually thought he was quite a moron, lol. Anyhow shortly after all of that I reconnected with a lovely man I met earlier in the Spring whom for whatever reason things just didn't work out.

He came back again into my life about 3 months ago and things had been going rather well, with the only exception being that he was a bit emotionally distant whenever I felt we were on the brink of closeness. I just let it go and hoped in time we could get there. Otherwise he really was everything I ever wanted in a partner. He took me on proper dates, was kind to me, never treated me badly or abusively, gentle, smart, no red flags or history of substance abuse, basically all I ever thought I would never attract after coming out of a string of bad partners. I felt like finally maybe I wasn't stuck only drawing in people who wanted to take advantage of me. Fast forward to the biggest surprise of my life - we had one instance of 'heat of the moment' passion and did not use protection as we always usually had. Somehow the next day we chalked it up to a mistake but never pursued the Plan B pill despite briefly saying maybe we should. I supposed at my ripened age of 41 never having been pregnant, I didn't think my body was even capable. Apparently I was wrong and I am now 8 weeks pregnant.

I know you must be thinking, oh my can this girl have any relationship without drama?! haha, but really this has caught me by massive surprise and here I am unsure of what to do. Sadly, and maybe fortunately, this surprise forced my partner and I to put everything on the table in terms of feelings which we have by and large avoided up until now. He shared with me that he felt responsible and guilty that despite enjoying our relationship, he did not feel ready for a serious commitment to me. I admit, I never asked, but perhaps thought that maybe he wanted things to go slowly so kind of stuck by hoping that they would progress. He initiated all our dates and communication (something I let the man do until I feel a commitment) so I didn't force anything. Unfortunately I did fall in love with him and the possibilities, but am now just stuck feeling alone and unsure as I am carrying his baby, a baby he does not want though has lent his unyielding support at supporting me in whatever I decided, fully acknowledging it is my choice.

Dear friends, what do I do? On one hand I am saddened this happened and feel terrible guilt despite us both being responsible. I feel sad that I am in a position I never thought my body would give me, but that I am unable to enjoy it because it didn't happen traditionally. I feel sad that I could potentially impact his life negatively (I did tell him and mean it, that if I decide to go through with it I would never ever hold him accountable or ask for money or impact him in any way. I actually want him to go and have a happy life and meet someone he loves and truly be happy. He is a good man so genuinely I want that for him.) I also feel a tinge of secret happiness - happiness that my body works. That the universe or whomever decided that I could be a mom. That something is attaching itself to me for life. Excited that my body is doing something so unique and amazing and I want to hold onto it forever. My issues of course are natural .....the baby would not have a present father or traditional upbringing. My baby would mean a massive life change for me, I would have to live back with my parents for a little while. Now, granted they are amazing and I spend a good half my time at their home anyways and even planned to move back temporarily to save money this year, but it would be a huge change.

The father says he believes strongly that children should not be brought into the world without two present parents, but he is not ready to be one now. I want to respect him and I don't want to hurt him, but everytime I think about ending the pregnancy I feel a little sad even if it might be the right decision. Lately I have started to let go of some unhealthy habits and I have been feeling so strong. Maybe it's been the pregnancy horomones but even the way I have dressed and behave has been different. Somehow I feel like me and my true value have exposed themselves recently, and it feels really good. It doesn't have to stop if I decide not to have baby, but someway I feel it connected. More than anything I do not want to be selfish. I want to be good and selfless for both baby and father. Has anyone struggled with this?

I know this is an AA forum but you all have been instrumental in my progress, I felt compelled to come to you.

Lots of love

Bekindalways

Hey Smarie, no worries about coming here when you have any kind of dilemma.

This is a tough situation and one that many people have been in. I haven't been in this situation myself so have no first hand experience.

I hope others chime with some more useful thoughts.

PhoenixJ

Smarie- I suggest you talk to a counsellor. Someone who can listen and be objective. I can offer no sage words of advice- but you do have my prayers and support. One thing to remember is self care- rest, eat, hydrate- get support.

Smarie78

Thank you as always my friend

AutumnMama

I think only you can make this decision for yourself.

But if you decide to have the baby (you sound somewhat excited about it, but scared, from your post) know that you can do it alone if you need to. It would be great if every child had both parents, but that isn't the reality in a large chunk of cases. You'll receive support from unexpected places.

Smarie78

Thank you. I am going to do just that. I am waiting for a moment of clarity though coming up empty. I will be sharing this with my parents tonight and hoping to see if this gets me somewhere closer. I so appreciate your words

Smarie78

Thank you Autumn. I do have an enormous network of family and friends that I trust. That certainly helps.

PhoenixJ

Ariesagain

Maybe this isn’t about what anyone thinks...except you?

I say that because I kept starting posts and erasing them, because my reactions were all over the place and I can only imagine how yours must be.

My first reaction ( and keep in mind I am staunchly pro-choice) was joyful for you, because I believe this pregnancy might be the first opportunity you’ve had to wholly love something. You’ve shown over and over what you’ll do for love, as the song says, and this could finally be the situation where all that capacity would be positive.

You know you can handle challenges...you’re a survivor of a lot of stuff.

So the biological father is a non -factor here...I think kids just need one person who’s always there for them. Yes, it’s a whole lot easier if there are two people, but that can have a downside too. No guarantees, right?

So...can you take a few days to go off somewhere by yourself and get in touch with what YOU want? Not what society says, or your family, or really, anyone but you. It’s your decision.

Know your own heart. I know I can only speak for myself, but I will support you here whatever choice you make.

Big hug.

P.S. There’s a book by Anne Lamott called “Operating Instructions” you might want to read...she was in a situation very much like your and it might help? She’ also very funny and very profane, so fair warning!

trailmix

My thought is the same as Aries' initial thought.

It doesn't matter at all what anyone else wants, thinks, feels etc. It only matters what you think.

I wouldn't take his opinion in to consideration for a second. He doesn't want this baby.

No where in what you wrote did you say you didn't want this baby.

So that seems pretty clear?

(As an aside, people who are emotionally distant - are emotionally distant, sure it might take a week or two for someone to start sharing their feelings - as you get to know each other - but this is one of those, don't rely on their potential things).

dandylion

Smarie…...This hasn't been mentioned, as an option....so, I will.....
There are so many couples who pray for a baby and would give the most abundant love as two "present parents".....
If this has any positive appeal to you....I suggest that you might talk to a counselor at a reputable agency...like, (for one example)...Catholic Charities....
They can inform you and support you through the whole process, if that is a direction that you would like to take.....

DiggingForFire

AnvilheadII

More than anything I do not want to be selfish. I want to be good and selfless for both baby and father. Has anyone struggled with this?

i got pregnant at 19. in college. a summer fling with a cowboy. by the time i found out i was pregnant, he had just married. perfect.

i went thru Catholic Community Services, had an angel of a counselor, and it was impressed upon me that i needed to be SELFISH about how this pregnancy and the next 20 plus years of my life would play out if kept the baby.

not the baby. not the father. ME. and i came to realize that i was just not equipped. and that i never wanted to look at my child and resent her. nor did i want her to look at me and resent the life i had provided. i had zero to offer, at the time.

we gave the cowboy the option to take her. he declined.

doing what you think might be what others want will not help you here. children are, or should be, a huge commitment. you have to be all in. and then stick with it for years, decades. and it won't be easy. remember this isn't about a "baby" - it's about the responsibility of raising a human being. a needy, unpredictable, precious human that has only YOU. raising my second daughter, who is today 36, has been the hardest thing i've ever done - except maybe when we both went on vacation together to Mexico this past November and climbed the 3rd largest pyramid on the planet. LOL

do what is best for YOU and your choices will be clear. but as long as you continue to put others first, there will be no clarity.

Smarie78

Words can't describe the thankfulness that I feel for your heartfelt and truly insightful responses. I am struggling for support and it's only been here that I have ever really felt it. Anvil - I was half worried, half excited to read what you had to say. I know you don't pull any punches, nor do the lot of you which has saved me many times over.

Tonight I finally came clean with the last of those that I felt I needed to share my story with, and that was my family. We are a group of 6 tightly knitted folks who are woven into eachothers lives on borderline unhealthy ways - kidding, sort of! I just mean that we are extremely close, but sometimes it can be smothering. Too much of a good thing. At any rate I told my parents first and my mother was the most supportive saying that she supports me no matter what I decide, but that she thinks an abortion would be the best thing to do in this situation. She was upset that the father I had been dating for a mere 3 months didn't want to marry me (LOL, I wondered if she really thought this is how people still handle unplanned pregnancies). My father shared the same sentiment, but had less to say. He was sweet but practical. It was more a shock and then a smile and then a "but your going to get rid of it right. Good...ok, what are we having for dinner?". Sadly when I shared the news with my two brothers I got a mix of the following;

"Why did you burden mom and dad by telling them?"
"SM, it's not your last chance to have kids. Even if, maybe kids aren't in the cards for you? Isn't it fun being an aunt? That can be just as fulfilling".
"Don't expect us to stay home and watch the baby"
"You need to get rid of it"
"Someday you'll get married and then have a baby the right way" (you know because at 41 this is gonna happen any day now - *sarcasm*)
"You'll hate your life. Nobody will want to date you. You can forget ever having a boyfriend"

And a mix of those other things....I guess the overall experience was sad. I understand it too and respect it, maybe I just thought someone would be happy that despite never being able to find love or marriage, I had an opportunity for something real and beautiful in my life. I noticed my emotions were instantly that of deflation. While I never knew in my heart I was seeking support for keeping her, my emotions told me otherwise. I really thought once my parents gave me their input I would have some clarity and guidance. What I wasn't expecting, was to feel the hurt and letdown of hearing something I didn't know I didn't want to hear.

The other thing, is that I can't imagine going back to "normal" regardless of my decision. How do I go back to life after this? Do I hit the play button and continue a life of failed relationships, monotonous living, over-serving at the bar, waking up hungover, heading toward mid-life with no real anything to get excited about? One thing that struck me was how many times my family continued to say, 'don't worry you'll meet the right person and get married and then have a baby'. The truth is that I have been waiting for that moment for the last 15+ years, when do we stop waiting? Would I have actively pursued single parenthood? No, probably not. But why does this keep tugging at me like a gift from God treating me to my real purpose? (Either that or I'm justifying the hell out of not saying goodbye to her just yet).

I know it's all on me now. I just wanted that parental support since I would probably need to live here for a little while if I went ahead and kept her. (I don't know the gender I just assigned one for now). While they didn't say no, I don't exactly feel the open arms I so wanted to feel.

Thank you again everyone, clarity is closer.

Lots of love
SM

Ariesagain

If your family is as close as you say they are, they’re going to rally around whatever decision you make. They may think they’re being protective of you with these reactions, dunno.

I know how hard it is when you’ve been a pleaser all your life to ignore their input, but this would be the time. This is YOUR body, YOUR emotions, YOUR feelings about the outcome that will be with you for the rest of your life no matter which of the options you choose.

Sending you strength, clarity and lots of support.

PuzzledHeart

Smarie,

I can tell that you really want to keep this baby. I'm sorry that your family didn't react in the way that you wanted them too. I had my fingers crossed.

Regardless of their reaction, you still need to make this decision for you, not anybody else. I'm afraid that if you don't, your resentment will affect the relationship that you do have with your family. Although I would argue based on their reaction, you've got plenty of resentment now.

I will say that even if your parents were 100% in, you still need to consider how to build a support network that rely completely on them - aging issues can hinder their ability to help you - and even if they're OK now, you just don't know how they'll be two or three years down the road. That said, I find it pretty obnoxious that your dad decided for you that you were going to have an abortion.

In regards to your brothers and the "You're a great aunt" comment - I'm sure they were thinking of all the free babysitting that you've provided over the years and how that was no longer going to be the case. I'm sorry, but they really do sound like schmucks.

I don't know if my post provided you with any clarity about your decision - but at the very least I wanted to let you know that I'm angry on your behalf. Ugh.

Smarie78

2ndhandrose

Smarie, I can hear what your heart wants, I hope you can hear it, too.

dandylion

Smarie…...I will go out on a limb and suggest that you get yourself in front of a QUALIFIED counselor/therapist, Now.
In other words--someone who has experience in counseling women in your situation. Not a generalist---a specially trained and experienced person.

It seems to me..from the outside....and, as a woman who has been a mother to three children ...both in a "traditional situation" and, as a single parents, for many years. I know what it takes to produce and raise kids....;
Anyways---it seems to me that you have to carefully consider your expectations of your family as well as what you really want and feel that you are capable of handling.....
My observation about your family is this---you need to still deal with the fact that you can't expect them to be the way you want them to be.
I believe that you need to have enough self identity and individuation to go the distance on your own....and honor your ideas and wishes even if they disagree. Of course, if they can/will offer certain "help"....that is just a bonus...but, you can't depend on it or expect it. You will have to be the stable and emotionally healthy parent for the child....for as long as you are both on the planet. You will need to be IT. That is just reality, in my opinion.
No child should come into this world to "complete" the parent....that is too much responsibility for the child...and, can be a source of mixed up roles.
the parent, in my opinion, should be developed enough to carry out the procreation urge to grow and nurture and prepare another life to be released into the world at the right time.....

I know that this sounds oh so philosophical...lol...but, this is how I have come to view it after years of experience and observation in life, as a parent.....

Please, gift yourself of a good person to guide you through this.....

Gingerpeach

Smarie,
You have stated that you are Codependent. From your words it sounds like you want to keep this baby. Surround yourself with a new support system because your family has given you their opinions and you are letting them all weigh in on this major life decision of yours. As someone who is 42 I know that the odds that I will meet the right someone, get married, and make a baby are slim to none. No one brings a life into this world unselfishly, so stop trying to do the right thing by everybody else and decide if being a mother is something you want. I wish you peace with whatever decision you make, as long as it is truly your decision you should feel right about it.