2ndhandrose

Smarie

suki44883

Just tight hugs.

dandylion

SMarie…….my heart goes out to you, as I know that this can be such an emotional time...no matter what the decision.
I am not sure that your angry feelings are pure codependence.....I think it is natural and normal to feel betrayed, disappointed and angry at those who we count on to have our back---and, they do not.
Never mind that they do not have the capacity or that you can't control their actions-----BUT.....that does not take away the fact that we are deeply hurt....
Our feelings are Real--and, we feel what we feel.
I am glad that you can say that you are angry....that you can acknowledge your feelings to us....(all of your feelings...sadness and fear, also)…..
Our feelings are always real and we are entitled to feel how we feel (how we handle those feelings are another decision)…..we own our feelings.....and, no one can take them away from us.....

Your hormones will take a little time to level out....a nd, I think you will find yourself beginning to feel more settled.....Please, try not to "future trip" too much.....
You can always come here to let us know how you are feeling.....

PuzzledHeart

Oh Smarie. You're perfectly justified to feel anger and disappointment. It's so hard to keep your head up and trudge on as normal when your heart is broken. Your description of these days brought me back to the times I experienced loss. I even raged at the sound of random laughter because it seemed so normal and life seemed everything but.

Just so many hugs.

Bekindalways

Big big hugs Smarie.

I'm so honored that you trusted us all as you went through this. May we live up to your trust you beautiful woman.

Kokoro

I have read through this entire thread. Just wanted to let you know how much I admire the strength you had through out all of this. Choices are simply choices at the end of the day, but I can't imagine how tough this has been on you. Big hugs!

Smarie78

I want you to know how profound al of you are and make me feel. Thank you. I am devastated and trying to move on but I have such moments of feeling underwater I am never sure if I will come up, but they pass and then I am ok - not ok but I am functional in the moments where I am not drowning. I have reached out to the church where the diocese here actually has a post abortion program. I am hoping some guidance will bring relief. Not of the sin as much as getting to a place of peace with a decision that feels so without. I think the worst feeling has been the deep regret and wanting to turn back the clock. While I know I didn’t make the decision in haste I can’t help but feel I chose the wrong door and only now am sure of it when before there was no certainty of anything at all. I now feel absolutely sure that I made the wrong decision. Why didn’t I feel absolutely sure to keep my baby when I had her? My hope however is that this is a distortion much in the way we lose things and suddenly want them back because we no longer have an option. I pray this to be true.

I don’t think I ever went through that in life, not on this scale. Have any of you?

Ariesagain

You know, Smarie, you’re a very loving person. You are loyal, almost to a fault, right? You get very, very attached. This all hits right at the center of that...of course you’re upset. And we are biologically programmed to propagate the species, so you are experiencing a ton of biochemical changes very abruptly.

I wish I had words that could make this easier for you. I am glad you’ve found a support group in real life...being with people who are going through what you are can only help.

Sending you a big hug.

HardLessons

Smarie

Concerning one major part of my life I made a decision & chose to open a certain door. I chose to open a door concerning her.

I understand that's its not exactly the same as the door which you recently chose. But it was a big important door for me none the less.

I also look back at that decision in hindsight. I think that maybe I chose the wrong door to open. I have seriously thought about if I could go back in time know what I know now would I still open that door. Would I change my decision to open that door.

I think it was God's will that I opened that door back then & that outcome should not be changed by me even if I had the power to go back & change it. Opening or not opening that door to her changes my life dramatically either way. I know what happened to me by opening the door but not opening that door is an unwritten life mystery to me. Would I have been better off? I don't know.

You said you did not make this decision in haste. But you did make a decision. I think the regret or doubt your felling at this early stage is normal.

Ive had huge amounts of regret & doubt all along since opening that door to her. Opening that door has been a long term huge emotional experience for me. I still have doubts today. I try hard to find peace just thinking it all played out being part of God's will for my life.

I do think in time you will also find peace with your decision. I am not saying it will be all better but much better than it is today. Maybe the door you chose was God's will for you.

trailmix

I've made big, life changing decisions, yes. I take ownership of them and accept them. That is me accepting that I made the best decision(s) for myself at the time with the facts that I had and with consideration. I trust I made the right decisions. I have also made bad decisions, for different reasons, but I also accept those.

I think that a distortion is pretty accurate. Like leaving an alcoholic, you do and then it's second guessing, yes but it wasn't ALL bad and I can cope better now with distance and and and.

Or on a less serious note, leaving a job which you really didn't like. When you are sitting at home thinking about it, the job probably looks pretty attractive.

It's that thing of the mind kind of tucking away the negative aspects (I think). There is absolutely a reason you made the decision you did. From what you wrote it was a lack of support from family and the father, and that it really all would not work well for you right now that it was really not what you want and need. Now that the pressure of the decision is off, the mind kicks in to well, I could have done this and it might not have been so bad and etc etc. But is that the truth or is that the distortion, as it is with the other examples?

There are big pluses and minuses to ALL these big decisions. Stay with the alcoholic and have my house and my car and financial security and not have to touch my 401k and stay near all my friends and family and not be alone. You and I both know that can be a huge draw, but is it realistic? Not really.

You have to trust yourself.

It may be a lifetime of all these big personalities throwing their opinions at you that have you doubting your decision(s), that's completely understandable, but trust yourself.

Amaranth

smarie I'm so sorry you are going through all these difficult feelings. Be kind to yourself as they ebb and flow.
You spent a long time weighing up the pros and cons, You did not take the decision lightly.
sending you love

Smarie78

This was very helpful to read for me and I thank you for it. For me it was without a doubt having my family and the child's father not being on board that I did base my decision on, but not until now, not until your words do I realize it factored into my decision and that was ok that it did (maybe?). The thing is, is that I wasn't looking for their approval so much as that for me it was important to have my "village" on board, and when they weren't I felt ill equipped to do it alone. Not that I couldn't physically do it alone, but that it might be a very lonely place. I thought long about if the child was a boy and how having an absent, albeit responsible, father, would fare for him. Not that little girls don't need their fathers but I felt more frightened of it were he a boy. And maybe some of it was watching my xABF be absent from his son and how sad it would make me knowing that the child may be in for some likely problems in life not having his dad available. I also thought about my aging parents and my mother's insistence last week that she would absolutely not be available for helping watch my child. I would not in any way have expected her to, but it made it harder when I imagined my "village" slowly becoming a desert.

The only person who offered to be there for me 100% and help and readily move me in to her cookie cutter perfect house on the outside, was my beautiful sister. But even that was wracked with concern given that she has an unhealthy drinking and smoking unstable husband at home and currently wrapped up in a secret affair. I didn't want my baby in a place that felt unhealthy (i understand this is judgemental but it was important to me). Lastly, the very last time I spoke to my baby's father prior to the procedure he went from emotionally unsure to very confidently sure he didn't want it (after my procedure he conveniently also found out his assignment here in our city would be over much sooner than he thought so he would be leaving much sooner). I suppose all of these made it very hard to securely choose what in my heart I deeply yearn for now.

Thank you for reminding me that I did think about this hard. Right now my heart is not saying that, it is saying "but mommy we could have done it just us why didn't you believe in yourself?", but if I can keep remembering I tried it helps a little bit with the regret and the guilt. Your words are what I was looking for. <3

Smarie78

You do :*

Smarie78

This is very true as well. I think hurt and betrayed are genuine feelings as well and a genuine reaction to having those I hold close step away from supporting something that I was really hoping they would. I have to remember too that I am also dealing with the relationship ending with the father. The pregnancy forced him to share with me that he didn't want anything serious with me despite his last several month courtship of me. I don't think he meant to lead me on but its created a larger hurt losing him and my baby - and he was a good man, treated me nicely not like others, so there is a deep part in my heart feeling a hurt like I wasn't allowed to have something beautiful like I see other people able to have - loving partners and children. The gut punch felt like it was saying, no, this is not for you don't be mistaken silly girl. I look forward to healing from this as well. Thank you always kind friend.

Smarie78

this is kind and so helpful to remember. thank you

Smarie78

your words mean the world

PuzzledHeart

Smarie, this was not an easy choice for you to make. As unqualified and imperfect as an internet acquaintance can be, I feel deep in my heart and in my bones that you made the best decision you could.

dandylion

Smarie…...I want to remind you to be kind and compassionate with yourself....After all you have suffered a significant loss on more than one level...all at the same time. That is a lot for anyone to face....
There is the disillusionment you are experiencing from your family--that they are unable or unwilling to support your emotional and practical needs....and the realization that your relationship partner is less committed that you hoped...and the loss of the pregnancy......these are all REAL losses...…

Smarie….the emotions that you are describing are not surprising and uncommon for your situation, I think. After all you are going through a rollercoaster of hormonal changes, on top of everything....and, a period of sadness and a host of other emotions is pretty common at this point in time. A period of "the blues" is pretty standard..
You can't be expected to just "snap back to normal"....

the main thing that I want to say to you is that I think you are going to need more support than you seem to have....More than just an occasional appointment with your counselor. It seems to me that your enmeshment with your immediate family and the dynamics, there, has been with you way before this pregnancy (I remember from your other threads)….and, I don't think you can afford, emotionally, to just skate along with the conflict that brings to your life....
No point in minimizing the family dynamics....no family is perfect, but, at this point...40yrs. old, a woman should be enjoying the prime of her life, and not hobbled by impossible expectations from them...or you of them.
What I am trying to say is this---a strong commitment to intensive work with a qualified family therapist, is my suggestion. You may have to look around to get a well qualified one.
In addition, I suggest that you need to belong to a support group of women that you can bond with, to process your experience and feelings associated with the pregnancy loss. In addition to your ususal girlfriends. You are going to grieve (I think you already are)...and, the human contact with a group of others that you can be open with,,,without judgement...is the most healing factor there is. Close,deep human interaction is the most healing balm that there is! This is what helps the heart to mend. Human contact---face to face.
I know that you feel quite wobbly, right now....but, this crisis of your life forces may become a real opportunity for the most positive change in your emotional life.....
this is why I am taking the liberty of speaking so straight and candidly, with you....Please take this time to be good to yourself and reach out beyond your likely comfort zone to gift yourself with the kind of support and help that you are needing.....
You are going to need to grieve...and heal...and thrive. I do believe that you can thrive in this life.....Believe it!

FallenAngelina

Smarie, this is gold.

I had such a group when I terminated a pregnancy and these women were a life saver. The group made it possible for me to give myself a healthy grieving period and then truly move on when I was ready. Trying to process a pregnancy termination alone or with well meaning friends, or even with one therapist, is not nearly as powerful and healing as coming together with other women who have made the same choice. There are many such groups and most have a finite duration. Having gone through the experience, I can say that it's something enormous to process and not something that anyone really can or needs to do alone. There's a wealth of support, wisdom and understanding from women who have the same experience and this community can make all the difference in getting you through this so that eventually you will be able to embrace all the good things that you want.

Feel free to message me, too. I'm very happy to talk with you and help you find your people.

Smarie78