Update: Pregnancy
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I have my termination scheduled for Friday. I booked it over a week ago as a placeholder (in case) since they looked about 10 days out and I didn't want to keep this going any longer than it needed to be. I'm leaning this way now, not so much because I am feeling so deflated, but I realize that a big part of my potential excitement about this was having a lot of physical and emotional support. For some reason it never occurred to me that living with my parents temporarily would not be an option. I was naive and somehow imagined everyone being a little excited. We just had a family birthday party the other day before I revealed this news, and I remember looking around thinking, wow my baby would be so taken care of and loved with this family.
I know it was mentioned if I could stay with my sister, and she has been an absolute gem, but I also think about her marital situation and it isn't something I feel very healthy in being around with a child. She is married to a great and funny, but deadbeat pot smoking beer drinking unemployed husband whom she isn't ready to leave because of her two children. She is also involved with a married man in secret outside of this so while she happily offered and encouraged us to be "a little family", I don't want my baby to be in a space that isn't healthy. I know it isn't my business how she handles her family (and hey, who am I to judge at this point!) and I don't have the heart to ever tell her why I would say no, but it wouldn't feel good to me. She also travels quite a bit for work so I think part of her motive might be for me to be around when she is away. Well, you can imagine raising a baby while she is traveling and being around a kind, but deadbeat dad, plus her kids (whom I love), feels.....well, doesn't sit right. Funny, it never occured to me until now. But I do recall when she mentioned it I instantly felt uncomfortable despite her having a lovely home with plenty of room.
My real hope was with my parents but they are against the idea. Unfortunately without that I just don't have the financial security to go it alone and as I write I'm slowly coming to terms with that fact. I'm still not 100% on my decision, but this is what things are feeling pointed at. I do know that no matter what I will need some intense counseling. I feel changed as a person forever no matter what happens.
I know it was mentioned if I could stay with my sister, and she has been an absolute gem, but I also think about her marital situation and it isn't something I feel very healthy in being around with a child. She is married to a great and funny, but deadbeat pot smoking beer drinking unemployed husband whom she isn't ready to leave because of her two children. She is also involved with a married man in secret outside of this so while she happily offered and encouraged us to be "a little family", I don't want my baby to be in a space that isn't healthy. I know it isn't my business how she handles her family (and hey, who am I to judge at this point!) and I don't have the heart to ever tell her why I would say no, but it wouldn't feel good to me. She also travels quite a bit for work so I think part of her motive might be for me to be around when she is away. Well, you can imagine raising a baby while she is traveling and being around a kind, but deadbeat dad, plus her kids (whom I love), feels.....well, doesn't sit right. Funny, it never occured to me until now. But I do recall when she mentioned it I instantly felt uncomfortable despite her having a lovely home with plenty of room.
My real hope was with my parents but they are against the idea. Unfortunately without that I just don't have the financial security to go it alone and as I write I'm slowly coming to terms with that fact. I'm still not 100% on my decision, but this is what things are feeling pointed at. I do know that no matter what I will need some intense counseling. I feel changed as a person forever no matter what happens.
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As promised, I support you in whatever decision you make. I was assuming the deadbeat BIL was out of that household, so that’s a different situation altogether.
One question...have your parents actually said they wouldn’t let you live there or was it just your brother claiming to speak for them?
Big hug.
One question...have your parents actually said they wouldn’t let you live there or was it just your brother claiming to speak for them?
Big hug.
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Smarie…...I am glad to hear that you are planning on having "intense counseling" for yourself.
You have to make the decision that YOU feel most comfortable with......Can you see the counselor before Friday? I think that it is a good idea to examine every option....and, including open adoption (with support, of course)...if that is an option that you would like to explore.....
We will be here for you, no matter which option you decide to take....
You have to make the decision that YOU feel most comfortable with......Can you see the counselor before Friday? I think that it is a good idea to examine every option....and, including open adoption (with support, of course)...if that is an option that you would like to explore.....
We will be here for you, no matter which option you decide to take....
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
As promised, I support you in whatever decision you make. I was assuming the deadbeat BIL was out of that household, so that’s a different situation altogether.
One question...have your parents actually said they wouldn’t let you live there or was it just your brother claiming to speak for them?
Big hug.
One question...have your parents actually said they wouldn’t let you live there or was it just your brother claiming to speak for them?
Big hug.
And no, you're correct - parents kind of insinuated the living situation and I guess made a comment to my sister that they can barely handle the dog there, but it was certainly more eldest brother who sent me the loud and clear message. Thank you as always for your continued support
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Smarie…...I am glad to hear that you are planning on having "intense counseling" for yourself.
You have to make the decision that YOU feel most comfortable with......Can you see the counselor before Friday? I think that it is a good idea to examine every option....and, including open adoption (with support, of course)...if that is an option that you would like to explore.....
We will be here for you, no matter which option you decide to take....
You have to make the decision that YOU feel most comfortable with......Can you see the counselor before Friday? I think that it is a good idea to examine every option....and, including open adoption (with support, of course)...if that is an option that you would like to explore.....
We will be here for you, no matter which option you decide to take....
thanks again all, I'd be lost without you
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It might be worth asking your parents directly, yes?
Second-hand information is usually biased by the viewpoint of the messenger...it’s why “hearsay” isn’t admissible. And we know Loud Brother has an agenda here...
Second-hand information is usually biased by the viewpoint of the messenger...it’s why “hearsay” isn’t admissible. And we know Loud Brother has an agenda here...
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by Smarie78
I feel like many of them were so confident in their experience. Unwavering and un-regretful. I'm just afraid I am not as confident, I may be in the minority who will struggle with this more than maybe the normal time people say it passes over. Everything I read says "a couple days", but I really don't see that as a reality.
Actually you don't have to be, you can be kind of decided, there is no rule but however you feel beforehand is probably how you are going to feel afterward. If you are undecided or feel guilty or wishing that you could keep it, any of those things, those things don't magically go away afterward.
As an example, think about breaking up with a boyfriend you still care about (this I know you can relate to!). You might know it's not in your best interests, you might know for a fact that you would be better off without him in your life, but that doesn't mean you won't be regretful for some time afterward.
My only point here is be prepared - whatever you choose. Others experiences are not yours. I hope the counselling will really help clarify what you want to do.
I hope your counsellor is really good and that regardless of your decision you follow that up with some more counselling.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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I do know that no matter what I will need some intense counseling. I feel changed as a person forever no matter what happens.
It's OK to withdraw for a while and give yourself space to process _any_ decision you make. You're allowed NOT to talk to them for a while. You don't have to give them an immediate report, even if they demand it. It's perfectly OK to refuse any attempts at rugsweeping (One of my greatest concerns is that you will feel pressure to attend the next family event with a plastered smile on your face). You don't even have to tell them about your appointment on Friday. Just take the space you need to approach this decision with grace.
You have every right to feel all the feelings, including uncertainty, and don't let anybody else tell you otherwise - even me!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Hey Smarie, I hope you are getting all the support possible at least from us.
This sounds pretty rough. I wish there was some kind of support for you but it doesn't sound like there is. You could carry the baby and put it up for adoption but I've heard that is almost impossible for most women to do.
Please take a big electronic hug from me. I so wish you weren't going through this.
This sounds pretty rough. I wish there was some kind of support for you but it doesn't sound like there is. You could carry the baby and put it up for adoption but I've heard that is almost impossible for most women to do.
Please take a big electronic hug from me. I so wish you weren't going through this.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
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Even if your parents themselves insinuated something, at least once if you feel like part of you wants to have this baby, tell them that you were actually excited about it if it could work and that if you had their support you might want to keep it. Don’t ask them for their opinion in a vacuum, ask them for their support of you if you decide to have the baby.
my parents love to complain about how much of a burden everything is, and they have both been super supportive of my second child because I have been very clear it was exactly what I wanted. It may be that they won’t give you any support, but if any part of you wants this kid, be clear and straightforward with them about what it is you would need to hear from them in order to be able to have the baby.
this is completely your decision and I don’t mean to say one decision is the right one, but do not make a life-changing decision without full information because you didn’t want to speak boldly about what you need. I think the only decision to really be regretted would be one that you made without fully sticking up for yourself and what you want.
my parents love to complain about how much of a burden everything is, and they have both been super supportive of my second child because I have been very clear it was exactly what I wanted. It may be that they won’t give you any support, but if any part of you wants this kid, be clear and straightforward with them about what it is you would need to hear from them in order to be able to have the baby.
this is completely your decision and I don’t mean to say one decision is the right one, but do not make a life-changing decision without full information because you didn’t want to speak boldly about what you need. I think the only decision to really be regretted would be one that you made without fully sticking up for yourself and what you want.
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I am so sorry, I don't know how I missed your post! Whatever you decide, we are here for you. It's a huge decision not to be taken lightly. I know we are not face to face, but we are here to walk this with you friend.
I will share that my first child I had out of wedlock. I did marry (then divorce) the father. Not all of my family was thrilled, let's just say. That being said, once I had her, they were over the moon. It actually changed my father from a rather bitter man into a much more loving type person. I had no idea that would happen. I cannot say how your family would react, but that is how it went for me.
Sending you huge hugs!
I will share that my first child I had out of wedlock. I did marry (then divorce) the father. Not all of my family was thrilled, let's just say. That being said, once I had her, they were over the moon. It actually changed my father from a rather bitter man into a much more loving type person. I had no idea that would happen. I cannot say how your family would react, but that is how it went for me.
Sending you huge hugs!
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A million thank you's. I was reading all your thoughtful, insightful, and inspiring words this morning on the bus to work and had tears rolling down my face as the support you've shown, not just with this but through all the hell you helped me walk through in the last couple years, is just immeasurable. I joined a pregnancy support group and have had nowhere near the raw insight of support that you have all shown me. I hope I can be there for you too when you need.
Last night surprised me a little bit. I have been so angry at how everything has unfolded, and noticed I had been isolating myself from the child's father - cold in the few conversations we had, which is unlike me. He called again last night and I finally opened up and he did as well and it was wonderful. In the several months we have dated we managed to find more intimacy in an hour and a half call last night then we have throughout the duration of the entire relationship. I had forgotten that I only dropped a 3 week old bomb on him a few days ago and that his initial reaction would likely change, just as mine had. I wasn't being fair to him and instead shut him off as soon as he said he didn't think he was ready and leaned on termination. I thought he was selfish and leaving me high and dry, when really, he just needed to process much as I have. We spoke for a long while, terrified, laughing, back to terrified, then spiritual. He shared with me that while he was not ready to settle down in life as his passion for his military career is what he centers his life around and always planned to, he also was continuously looking to God for some guidance. He shared with me that ultimately it is my decision but he would be there 100% of the way whatever I decided. If I wanted to keep it, he would be as involved as possible financially and emotionally. He did acknowledge he likely would not stay in our city (he is military/finance and pursuing growing his career among whatever state they station him in) and move every couple years to keep up with his career - his admitted true love - but that he would never abandon baby and would love her and be a father forever, albeit physically absent somewhat.
It was a really wonderful conversation I will treasure forever. Not only did it lend some clarity, but it helped lead me away from the hurt I was internally decided on, and instead show me that I wasn't as alone as I thought I was.
We are both full of uncertainty, and he left me with the thought that he would continue to pray and look for spiritual guidance on the best thing to do, and then ultimately he would respect and be there for what would be my own decision.
I am going to discuss a little more with my parents tonight and see how they would feel if I told them I wanted to keep her. Things seem slightly more possible - thank you all, you have no idea how much.
Last night surprised me a little bit. I have been so angry at how everything has unfolded, and noticed I had been isolating myself from the child's father - cold in the few conversations we had, which is unlike me. He called again last night and I finally opened up and he did as well and it was wonderful. In the several months we have dated we managed to find more intimacy in an hour and a half call last night then we have throughout the duration of the entire relationship. I had forgotten that I only dropped a 3 week old bomb on him a few days ago and that his initial reaction would likely change, just as mine had. I wasn't being fair to him and instead shut him off as soon as he said he didn't think he was ready and leaned on termination. I thought he was selfish and leaving me high and dry, when really, he just needed to process much as I have. We spoke for a long while, terrified, laughing, back to terrified, then spiritual. He shared with me that while he was not ready to settle down in life as his passion for his military career is what he centers his life around and always planned to, he also was continuously looking to God for some guidance. He shared with me that ultimately it is my decision but he would be there 100% of the way whatever I decided. If I wanted to keep it, he would be as involved as possible financially and emotionally. He did acknowledge he likely would not stay in our city (he is military/finance and pursuing growing his career among whatever state they station him in) and move every couple years to keep up with his career - his admitted true love - but that he would never abandon baby and would love her and be a father forever, albeit physically absent somewhat.
It was a really wonderful conversation I will treasure forever. Not only did it lend some clarity, but it helped lead me away from the hurt I was internally decided on, and instead show me that I wasn't as alone as I thought I was.
We are both full of uncertainty, and he left me with the thought that he would continue to pray and look for spiritual guidance on the best thing to do, and then ultimately he would respect and be there for what would be my own decision.
I am going to discuss a little more with my parents tonight and see how they would feel if I told them I wanted to keep her. Things seem slightly more possible - thank you all, you have no idea how much.
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Smarie, im so glad you got to have that conversation with him. You're both in a very difficult position, but it sounds as though there was a lot of raw honesty.
It's good you have a placeholder appointment, and by calling it that, I feel sure the medical organization knows that people need time and space to arrive at the best decision for them.
I can't imagine what is going through your mind right now. I know you will make the right decision for you.
It's good you have a placeholder appointment, and by calling it that, I feel sure the medical organization knows that people need time and space to arrive at the best decision for them.
I can't imagine what is going through your mind right now. I know you will make the right decision for you.
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Thank you “Womb” 
I went to my placeholder appointment today after I decided long and hard with father that termination was probably the right thing to do. I was emotional when I signed in. Then I waited about an hour until they took me into the ultrasound room. There she was again, but this time clearer and bigger. I beamed when they let me see the monitor - she was so pronounced and real that I began to cry again so they got me a counselor who told me I am still early and it’s ok to come back next week after I’ve had some time to think about it more. I felt bad texting the father as I’m sure he was hoping this would be over with (he’s been amazing but once I decided I think he was relieved). He was very considerate when he messaged me back, though by now I really am focusing mainly on myself.
I was happy to run out of there and instead seek refuge from 20 degree temps at a nearby pizza place where I treated myself to a tasty lunch (I have replaced my love of wine with Coca Cola which never tasted so wonderful!). It was only 10:30 in the morning but somehow I felt as if I was ready for dinner, the day felt so late already. Afterward I found a Catholic mass in the area and was grateful to be there even though I am not terribly religious. I just needed to be there with God and others asking for some help. Now I am pleasantly resting with my puppy still enamored by the beautiful photo I got to see and keep with me today. It’s enough for now. I hope I wasn’t selfish leaving today because I wasn’t ready for her to leave me, but it’s okay to have a few days more I think no matter what happens.
I went to my placeholder appointment today after I decided long and hard with father that termination was probably the right thing to do. I was emotional when I signed in. Then I waited about an hour until they took me into the ultrasound room. There she was again, but this time clearer and bigger. I beamed when they let me see the monitor - she was so pronounced and real that I began to cry again so they got me a counselor who told me I am still early and it’s ok to come back next week after I’ve had some time to think about it more. I felt bad texting the father as I’m sure he was hoping this would be over with (he’s been amazing but once I decided I think he was relieved). He was very considerate when he messaged me back, though by now I really am focusing mainly on myself.
I was happy to run out of there and instead seek refuge from 20 degree temps at a nearby pizza place where I treated myself to a tasty lunch (I have replaced my love of wine with Coca Cola which never tasted so wonderful!). It was only 10:30 in the morning but somehow I felt as if I was ready for dinner, the day felt so late already. Afterward I found a Catholic mass in the area and was grateful to be there even though I am not terribly religious. I just needed to be there with God and others asking for some help. Now I am pleasantly resting with my puppy still enamored by the beautiful photo I got to see and keep with me today. It’s enough for now. I hope I wasn’t selfish leaving today because I wasn’t ready for her to leave me, but it’s okay to have a few days more I think no matter what happens.
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Thanks for updating us, I’ve been worried about you.
This is a big decision...the biggest. I am glad you felt comfortable not deciding when you weren’t ready...that took courage...and I’m very glad the clinic was supportive of that.
More will be revealed, right?
Big fierce hug...
This is a big decision...the biggest. I am glad you felt comfortable not deciding when you weren’t ready...that took courage...and I’m very glad the clinic was supportive of that.
More will be revealed, right?
Big fierce hug...
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Smarie... you have had quite a week. I am happy you are pleasantly resting with your puppy.
From the outside looking in--and I'm only reading your posts here--so I don't know the intimate details of everything. It really seems like all the people in your life are pushing you to do something that YOU don't want do. I know that being codependent can make it really hard sometimes to distinguish what WE want to do vs what OTHER PEOPLE want us to do. I find that talking to my therapist helps immensely with this. In the absence of that, talking things out on this forum is helpful as well.
From the outside looking in--and I'm only reading your posts here--so I don't know the intimate details of everything. It really seems like all the people in your life are pushing you to do something that YOU don't want do. I know that being codependent can make it really hard sometimes to distinguish what WE want to do vs what OTHER PEOPLE want us to do. I find that talking to my therapist helps immensely with this. In the absence of that, talking things out on this forum is helpful as well.
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No wonder it feels like dinner time, that's a lot of day to put in already!
I think that went as well as can be expected? So good for you for taking some extra time and treating yourself to a nice lunch!
Yes, do what you choose to do, then you can be comfortable with your decision.
I think that went as well as can be expected? So good for you for taking some extra time and treating yourself to a nice lunch!
Yes, do what you choose to do, then you can be comfortable with your decision.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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I love that the facility got you a counselor and suggested you take some more time.
I have come to believe that you can't completely support someone and have a strong opinion on what they choose to do. Pregnancies like Smarie's really bring home to me how important it is to try to step out and just support with whatever is decided.
Big hug Smarie. Glad you have some more time. I hope clarity will be yours as much as possible.
I have come to believe that you can't completely support someone and have a strong opinion on what they choose to do. Pregnancies like Smarie's really bring home to me how important it is to try to step out and just support with whatever is decided.
Big hug Smarie. Glad you have some more time. I hope clarity will be yours as much as possible.
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