Update: Pregnancy
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I will say that even if your parents were 100% in, you still need to consider how to build a support network that rely completely on them
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
It is not a child’s purpose to fix our broken selves. Follow your heart, yes, but be very clear on motivation and your available emotional resources first.
Of course not. My motivation would simply be that I am 41 and my odds are extremely slim that this will happen to me again, in addition to the fact that while I am certainly not perfect in my recovery, I don't doubt for a moment that I could not give the child all the love in the world. I grew up with a very loving mother and it's really all I know how to be. At any rate, last night the writing on the wall pointed to a lack of support for me in almost every angle were I to have the baby. Support is something that is important to me along with baby. I can love her to the moon and back, but without the support of my family or the child's father (emotional and physical), I don't think I would be very happy and the warmth and support I was expecting for baby to be missing would be selfish were I to continue. I have a flood of feelings of course now after being awake all night tossing and turning, but I don't see another way anymore.
Perhaps kids aren't in the cards for me as my brother implied. I guess I never knew I wanted them until it became possible one out there wanted me. And truth be told, were this to pass, I don't want to look back and "try again someday". I was never trying to begin with. Why would I try for something I already had but decided to lose? And given my age and current prospects it just will not come to be. I only thought for a few moments this was a gift God was bringing to me. It felt like that and that's the only way to describe it.
Thanks again for all your support.
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You know smarie, the people that have suggested that you get counselling about this are really spot on.
If you are going to take other's opinions in to account, it really would be wise to get a non-biased opinion.
My question to you would be, when speaking to your parents, or rather when they popped in to speak to you, what did you express to them? If you were unsure or even negative, maybe they are just getting on your side? If you said to them, I want this baby and I'm going to have it, will you be there to support me, their "opinion" might change.
Just saying that I hope you expressed how you are feeling to them, otherwise you do them a disservice having them thinking they ARE supporting you.
A counsellor will help you get in touch with your real feelings, so again, a wise move perhaps.
If you are going to take other's opinions in to account, it really would be wise to get a non-biased opinion.
My question to you would be, when speaking to your parents, or rather when they popped in to speak to you, what did you express to them? If you were unsure or even negative, maybe they are just getting on your side? If you said to them, I want this baby and I'm going to have it, will you be there to support me, their "opinion" might change.
Just saying that I hope you expressed how you are feeling to them, otherwise you do them a disservice having them thinking they ARE supporting you.
A counsellor will help you get in touch with your real feelings, so again, a wise move perhaps.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
You know smarie, the people that have suggested that you get counselling about this are really spot on.
If you are going to take other's opinions in to account, it really would be wise to get a non-biased opinion.
My question to you would be, when speaking to your parents, or rather when they popped in to speak to you, what did you express to them? If you were unsure or even negative, maybe they are just getting on your side? If you said to them, I want this baby and I'm going to have it, will you be there to support me, their "opinion" might change.
Just saying that I hope you expressed how you are feeling to them, otherwise you do them a disservice having them thinking they ARE supporting you.
A counsellor will help you get in touch with your real feelings, so again, a wise move perhaps.
If you are going to take other's opinions in to account, it really would be wise to get a non-biased opinion.
My question to you would be, when speaking to your parents, or rather when they popped in to speak to you, what did you express to them? If you were unsure or even negative, maybe they are just getting on your side? If you said to them, I want this baby and I'm going to have it, will you be there to support me, their "opinion" might change.
Just saying that I hope you expressed how you are feeling to them, otherwise you do them a disservice having them thinking they ARE supporting you.
A counsellor will help you get in touch with your real feelings, so again, a wise move perhaps.
lots of love
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
It is not a child’s purpose to fix our broken selves. Follow your heart, yes, but be very clear on motivation and your available emotional resources first.
This! It also might mean committing to counseling while your child is young. My therapist helps alert me when I'm beginning to be codependent with my toddler. Codependency is a hard habit to break alone--I didn't even realize I was doing the things she pointed out.
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I agree with others that counseling before you make any final decision will help you get clear about what is best for you and the child in this situation.
I also thought the point about asking your parents directly if they would support you should you choose to have the child is a valid one.
It's a huge decision and I wish you the very best outcome Smarie
I also thought the point about asking your parents directly if they would support you should you choose to have the child is a valid one.
It's a huge decision and I wish you the very best outcome Smarie
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Thank you as always everyone who has chimed in. Today was rough as I stopped by my dads business where both he and my mother in addition to older brother work. It’s a small family business so it was just the three of them there. The moment I walked in I was somewhat attacked by eldest brother who has a tendency to be rough on myself and the other siblings when it comes to our own struggles and what he deems is right. Before I could say a word he insisted I confirm I am “getting rid of it”, when I couldn’t say the words things blew up into a lot of stressful yelling at me followed by aggressive phone messages after I decided it was best for me to leave the toxic and stressful environment. The messages included calling me selfish for telling our parents (I needed to and wanted to for guidance) and burdening them, to insisting I would be making a big mistake, to blaming drinking and promiscuity for causing this (my partner and I were together a few months and not big drinkers when together), to confirming to me that I better not even think about trying to live with parents. That they wouldn’t hear of it. This of course hurt me, while not surprising from him it still felt unexpected, but I wondered where if I always felt I had such a warm and close and comforting family, why suddenly I was being treated as an outsider and betrayer for not being able to yell loudly that I was unwaveringly “getting rid of it”. I continue to receive messages even from my more kinder brother when I am going to do it and to please hurry. Thankfully I escaped back to my little apartment for some peace and serenity. I am however blessed at my sisters unyielding warrior like support (mess with me she is ready to pounce!), feels nice to have at least someone in your corner. It did get me to thinking quite a bit how my family, while often thought of as the perfect family, was maybe not so perfect. Everyone shared with me this morning that my news didn’t let them sleep last night, but nobody asked me how I slept or have been sleeping knowing I have a baby inside of me and a father that doesn’t want either one. Nobody has asked me if I was scared or confused. I supposed a little light went on and I was reminded that my codependent issues were by and large not surprising when I’ve spent 41 years trying to make everyone feel comfortable, to make sure everyone could sleep at night. It’s time for me to be selfish but only in my decision-making.
I am meeting with a counselor tomorrow. Thank you all again and lots of love to you
I am meeting with a counselor tomorrow. Thank you all again and lots of love to you
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You know, for a while I was thinking your family, particularly your brothers, were overreacting to this guy’s bowing out and/or the discomfort of their sister/daughter being sexual and therefore they were being territorial and macho and useless but maybe they’d come around.
Well that’s over. Sheesh. I am probably not entirely rational about this because I grew up in “such a HAPPY family” that walked on eggshells around my father’s temper, depressive episodes and verbal abuse while my mother pretended everything was great. He’s been dead for two years and she’s still singing his praises.
So “we’re a close loving family as long as you stay in line” is something I understand and it makes me want to come over there and kick them all in the shins really hard.
You’re a grown woman. You make your own choices and they can like it or lump it.
So if you decide to keep this pregnancy, what is Plan B? Your sister sounds great. Could you live with her and combine forces, as it sounds like she’s a single mom?
Above all, do NOT let their bullying affect your decision! This has revealed some really unhealthy realities about your family’s dynamic and you need that therapist more than ever, yes?
YOU DO YOU. They can eat a **** sandwich.
Big fierce hug!
Well that’s over. Sheesh. I am probably not entirely rational about this because I grew up in “such a HAPPY family” that walked on eggshells around my father’s temper, depressive episodes and verbal abuse while my mother pretended everything was great. He’s been dead for two years and she’s still singing his praises.
So “we’re a close loving family as long as you stay in line” is something I understand and it makes me want to come over there and kick them all in the shins really hard.
You’re a grown woman. You make your own choices and they can like it or lump it.
So if you decide to keep this pregnancy, what is Plan B? Your sister sounds great. Could you live with her and combine forces, as it sounds like she’s a single mom?
Above all, do NOT let their bullying affect your decision! This has revealed some really unhealthy realities about your family’s dynamic and you need that therapist more than ever, yes?
YOU DO YOU. They can eat a **** sandwich.
Big fierce hug!
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Smarie…...this causes me to reflect on me and my family, at an early age, and how lucky I was to move to another state, to live.
Ironically, it was not by intention, at the time.
I met and married someone who lived several hundred miles away from my family home, and college dormitory. lol....I went to a school that was almost as strict as a convent...lol!
Therefore, my family could not look over my shoulder and give their opinions about my adult life decisions! Yea.
I did not ever ask their opinions about my decisions...I TOLD them, what the decisions were. There was nothing they could do about my decisions...whether they liked them or not.
By the same token---I did not lean on them for support and help of any kind. I made my decisions and lived with them....whether the consequences were good or bad. This way...they had no "leverage" over me.....and, I did not have to
please them......I did not have to carry that burden of pleasing them or meeting any of their expectations.
That being said....I did talk to them on the phone frequently...and there were visits back and forth for important occasions, etc.
They loved me....
But, there is a lot of advantage to being independent and making one's own way, in the world......One doesn't have too worry about having "superiors" to answer to.....
Ironically, it was not by intention, at the time.
I met and married someone who lived several hundred miles away from my family home, and college dormitory. lol....I went to a school that was almost as strict as a convent...lol!
Therefore, my family could not look over my shoulder and give their opinions about my adult life decisions! Yea.
I did not ever ask their opinions about my decisions...I TOLD them, what the decisions were. There was nothing they could do about my decisions...whether they liked them or not.
By the same token---I did not lean on them for support and help of any kind. I made my decisions and lived with them....whether the consequences were good or bad. This way...they had no "leverage" over me.....and, I did not have to
please them......I did not have to carry that burden of pleasing them or meeting any of their expectations.
That being said....I did talk to them on the phone frequently...and there were visits back and forth for important occasions, etc.
They loved me....
But, there is a lot of advantage to being independent and making one's own way, in the world......One doesn't have too worry about having "superiors" to answer to.....
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Smarie a friend of mine had a baby in her 40s. Her partner of many years, the father, did not want a child and made it clear it was her project and he did not want to be involved.
well, when that baby came he fell in love with him and turned out to be a doting dad.
I am not suggesting this will happen with the father of your child but the way your family have reacted to your news is a reaction. You also had a reaction - of joy - which turned to deflation. Give yourself, and the people around you, time to process. Feelings are not facts. They change. People do change their minds.
At the end of the day the decision is yours. Do what feels right to you, regardless of what ANYONE thinks.
Sending you loads of love.
well, when that baby came he fell in love with him and turned out to be a doting dad.
I am not suggesting this will happen with the father of your child but the way your family have reacted to your news is a reaction. You also had a reaction - of joy - which turned to deflation. Give yourself, and the people around you, time to process. Feelings are not facts. They change. People do change their minds.
At the end of the day the decision is yours. Do what feels right to you, regardless of what ANYONE thinks.
Sending you loads of love.
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when I couldn’t say the words things blew up into a lot of stressful yelling at me followed by aggressive phone messages after I decided it was best for me to leave the toxic and stressful environment.
The messages included calling me selfish for telling our parents (I needed to and wanted to for guidance) and burdening them,
My sister has not told my parents of her sexual assault at the hands of my cousin. I think she's afraid that they wouldn't be able to handle it - and unfortunately, I think she's right. However, their inability to process this information is not a reflection on her. It's a reflection on THEM. I would hope to be the kind of parent who could handle this situation gracefully (allowing license for one freakout.)
I wish I could give you a hug.
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Smarie78
I don't have any words of wisdom, but I wanted to share my story. I am 43. When I divorced my husband I was 34, and I knew when I divorced that I was going to need a long time to recover, and that as a result biological children were probably not in the cards for me. I wanted children but was not strongly attached to the idea of biological children.
This story would never have happened without my recovery, or frankly my co-dependency. I never could have predicted it.....but it has multiplied my recovery many times over. It is very random but I know it was meant to be
About four years after my divorce I lost a dog and took in a foster dog for a woman and son who were transitioning to a homeless shelter. Long-story short but the foster dog was pregnant before she arrived to me. She had a surprise liter of puppies at the kennel while I was 2800 miles away.
Eventually the dog chaos in my house became to much and I invited the human mom and son to live with me to help out with the dogs. The son was 16 at the time, and though his mom has moved home a number of years ago, he continues to live with me. He is 21 now. I call him my bonus kid.
This relationship has helped my healing in so many ways. I have been forced to learn about boundaries. I have been forced to realize no matter how much I try I cannot nice a young person into "appropriate" cleaning behavior. I have learned about letting go of expectations, and watching him rise when I FINALLY was able to do that. At times he drives me absolutely bananas (and I am sure I do him). Often the lesson I am learning with him is that if I take care of me.....that is the best example and learning I can offer to him.
We are family. We are not biological family, and we are both close and grateful to our respective biological families; but I know we both needed this relationship. This relationship is helping me to let go of trying to force outcomes and trusting that I only see some of the puzzle pieces.....but that if I am open, and willing to learn and be present the big beautiful picture allows itself to unfold. His learning is profoundly different than mine, and that is wonderful to.
I believe I had all the skills in me for this relationship.....some just needed to be learned. I needed this relationship in so many ways.
I trust that regardless of your decision on this, you have the skills in you for this life experience.
I don't have any words of wisdom, but I wanted to share my story. I am 43. When I divorced my husband I was 34, and I knew when I divorced that I was going to need a long time to recover, and that as a result biological children were probably not in the cards for me. I wanted children but was not strongly attached to the idea of biological children.
This story would never have happened without my recovery, or frankly my co-dependency. I never could have predicted it.....but it has multiplied my recovery many times over. It is very random but I know it was meant to be
About four years after my divorce I lost a dog and took in a foster dog for a woman and son who were transitioning to a homeless shelter. Long-story short but the foster dog was pregnant before she arrived to me. She had a surprise liter of puppies at the kennel while I was 2800 miles away.
Eventually the dog chaos in my house became to much and I invited the human mom and son to live with me to help out with the dogs. The son was 16 at the time, and though his mom has moved home a number of years ago, he continues to live with me. He is 21 now. I call him my bonus kid.
This relationship has helped my healing in so many ways. I have been forced to learn about boundaries. I have been forced to realize no matter how much I try I cannot nice a young person into "appropriate" cleaning behavior. I have learned about letting go of expectations, and watching him rise when I FINALLY was able to do that. At times he drives me absolutely bananas (and I am sure I do him). Often the lesson I am learning with him is that if I take care of me.....that is the best example and learning I can offer to him.
We are family. We are not biological family, and we are both close and grateful to our respective biological families; but I know we both needed this relationship. This relationship is helping me to let go of trying to force outcomes and trusting that I only see some of the puzzle pieces.....but that if I am open, and willing to learn and be present the big beautiful picture allows itself to unfold. His learning is profoundly different than mine, and that is wonderful to.
I believe I had all the skills in me for this relationship.....some just needed to be learned. I needed this relationship in so many ways.
I trust that regardless of your decision on this, you have the skills in you for this life experience.
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
Smarie78
I don't have any words of wisdom, but I wanted to share my story. I am 43. When I divorced my husband I was 34, and I knew when I divorced that I was going to need a long time to recover, and that as a result biological children were probably not in the cards for me. I wanted children but was not strongly attached to the idea of biological children.
This story would never have happened without my recovery, or frankly my co-dependency. I never could have predicted it.....but it has multiplied my recovery many times over. It is very random but I know it was meant to be
About four years after my divorce I lost a dog and took in a foster dog for a woman and son who were transitioning to a homeless shelter. Long-story short but the foster dog was pregnant before she arrived to me. She had a surprise liter of puppies at the kennel while I was 2800 miles away.
Eventually the dog chaos in my house became to much and I invited the human mom and son to live with me to help out with the dogs. The son was 16 at the time, and though his mom has moved home a number of years ago, he continues to live with me. He is 21 now. I call him my bonus kid.
This relationship has helped my healing in so many ways. I have been forced to learn about boundaries. I have been forced to realize no matter how much I try I cannot nice a young person into "appropriate" cleaning behavior. I have learned about letting go of expectations, and watching him rise when I FINALLY was able to do that. At times he drives me absolutely bananas (and I am sure I do him). Often the lesson I am learning with him is that if I take care of me.....that is the best example and learning I can offer to him.
We are family. We are not biological family, and we are both close and grateful to our respective biological families; but I know we both needed this relationship. This relationship is helping me to let go of trying to force outcomes and trusting that I only see some of the puzzle pieces.....but that if I am open, and willing to learn and be present the big beautiful picture allows itself to unfold. His learning is profoundly different than mine, and that is wonderful to.
I believe I had all the skills in me for this relationship.....some just needed to be learned. I needed this relationship in so many ways.
I trust that regardless of your decision on this, you have the skills in you for this life experience.
I don't have any words of wisdom, but I wanted to share my story. I am 43. When I divorced my husband I was 34, and I knew when I divorced that I was going to need a long time to recover, and that as a result biological children were probably not in the cards for me. I wanted children but was not strongly attached to the idea of biological children.
This story would never have happened without my recovery, or frankly my co-dependency. I never could have predicted it.....but it has multiplied my recovery many times over. It is very random but I know it was meant to be
About four years after my divorce I lost a dog and took in a foster dog for a woman and son who were transitioning to a homeless shelter. Long-story short but the foster dog was pregnant before she arrived to me. She had a surprise liter of puppies at the kennel while I was 2800 miles away.
Eventually the dog chaos in my house became to much and I invited the human mom and son to live with me to help out with the dogs. The son was 16 at the time, and though his mom has moved home a number of years ago, he continues to live with me. He is 21 now. I call him my bonus kid.
This relationship has helped my healing in so many ways. I have been forced to learn about boundaries. I have been forced to realize no matter how much I try I cannot nice a young person into "appropriate" cleaning behavior. I have learned about letting go of expectations, and watching him rise when I FINALLY was able to do that. At times he drives me absolutely bananas (and I am sure I do him). Often the lesson I am learning with him is that if I take care of me.....that is the best example and learning I can offer to him.
We are family. We are not biological family, and we are both close and grateful to our respective biological families; but I know we both needed this relationship. This relationship is helping me to let go of trying to force outcomes and trusting that I only see some of the puzzle pieces.....but that if I am open, and willing to learn and be present the big beautiful picture allows itself to unfold. His learning is profoundly different than mine, and that is wonderful to.
I believe I had all the skills in me for this relationship.....some just needed to be learned. I needed this relationship in so many ways.
I trust that regardless of your decision on this, you have the skills in you for this life experience.
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Originally Posted by Smarie78
What a beautiful story, thank you so much for reaching out to share it with me. It really sounds like your selflessness and strength allowed for this truly special relationship to unfold and create bonding and learning for both you and the boy. I wish you nothing but continued flourishing. I hope I can make the best decision as you did.
I think that is what this recovery piece is all about.
Typing this out yesterday made me realize that I am trying to "control" getting into another intimate relationship, and that maybe I need to let some of that unfold in the same way.
In other words we all help/impact each other......and instead of being scared of that any longer I think I am going to lean into it some more.
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Have your family members always been so outspoken about your life and what you need to do?
Have any of them actually sat down with you to understand what you feel and think? It sounds as though they have just forcefully stated their opinions.
I am studying now, despite criticism from some around me, while others have cheered on without understanding how tough it has been for me. This is nothing like raising a child, but I wanted to say that you will always find supporters, and always find critics. Same goes if I dyed my hair green or went to live in Siberia!
Go with what YOU want. It is your life journey.
Have any of them actually sat down with you to understand what you feel and think? It sounds as though they have just forcefully stated their opinions.
I am studying now, despite criticism from some around me, while others have cheered on without understanding how tough it has been for me. This is nothing like raising a child, but I wanted to say that you will always find supporters, and always find critics. Same goes if I dyed my hair green or went to live in Siberia!
Go with what YOU want. It is your life journey.
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Originally Posted by Wombaticus
Have your family members always been so outspoken about your life and what you need to do?
Have any of them actually sat down with you to understand what you feel and think? It sounds as though they have just forcefully stated their opinions.
Have any of them actually sat down with you to understand what you feel and think? It sounds as though they have just forcefully stated their opinions.
They have, particularly my eldest brother and both parents. In this case, I believe my brother is trying to protect my parents as he thinks I would be burdening them. And to a degree, I likely would in some aspects. They are aging and have issues even with me bringing my dog over for visits. At the same time, they do everything they can for me to spend time at their home. In fact I do much more often than most, spend time with parents. You bring up good questions and I'm now reminded that a big part of my codependency likely stemmed from always feeling under the finger of their approval. In the end, it is absolutely my choice, I would have just really liked the support to feel good about this. Thank you for your input
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