Do I keep in contact
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Join Date: Jan 2020
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Do I keep in contact
I'm not sure whether I should be talking to him or not. We didnt speak over the weekend as I knew he would be drinking so I left him to it. But I know hes at work so do I offer my support or not?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
No one can answer this question for you, but if it were me I would examine my intent in reaching out first and try to be as honest with myself as possible. In my troubled relationships in the past, I was able to come up with a lot of great reasons to break no contact, but in reality, I really just needed my "fix" of the other person. In every instance, I would have been better off leaving it alone.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Seconding what Velma said. Support for what? He abandoned you and your family. I would argue that the energy you would have spent supporting him would be better dedicated towards supporting yourself and your kids.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Ruby2112 
I'm not sure whether I should be talking to him or not. We didnt speak over the weekend as I knew he would be drinking so I left him to it. But I know hes at work so do I offer my support or not?
Ruby, I am sure you are very hurt by all of this. The question is, is this the relationship that you want?
Do you think this is what you deserve, a person that walks out on you and your children? Someone who you can't even open the door for?
You have mentioned that he is a different person when sober, but the bottom line this person he is right now is him as well, he isn't actually two people. He has a phone I take it, if he wanted to reach out for help he would and I would say the support he needs is probably from a psychiatrist or AA or both.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
Do you ever look at how this affects you and your family? Where is your support?
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 19
Before he moved in with me 2 yrs ago he had reached out for help with his drinking already. That's sort of my issue now as hes spent 2 hrs in recovery, so I dont want to stop supporting right now as I know hes struggling. I have great friends who support me and im seeking other support as well. It's just seems such a hard balance to get right
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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gee, i wonder why his world is so small with so few people in it....? in all the years you have been in his life, has your "support" really made a dent? i'm not saying your "intention" is not good, but if all he needed was you to say "atta boy" you all would not be in the current situation.
and i'm not so sure he IS struggling - he's back to his buddy, booze, and not seeming nearly as concerned about his own welfare as you are.
and i'm not so sure he IS struggling - he's back to his buddy, booze, and not seeming nearly as concerned about his own welfare as you are.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
I'm guessing there is part of this story we don't know.
He started drinking again on Saturday and left Monday and you now feel you should reach out?
I'm going to guess that prior to two years ago he drank regularly? Also, he hasn't actually been sober for two years, you have mentioned he relapsed, how often, recently prior to this episode?
I assume you two have been together a long time, since your children are 17 and 21 what makes you believe that he doesn't think you are there for him anyway? You talked to him about him picking up his clothes.
What I'm saying is, he knows you well by now, he knows you would like to talk to him and he refused, so he does know you are there, so reaching out, while very tempting, is probably a wasted effort.
The absolute best thing you can do for you and your children is support yourself. Al Anon meetings, I hope you found one that is held soon, posting here, support from friends, these are your keys.
Does he normally attend a support group, like AA? If so, I'm sure he knows where support is.
He started drinking again on Saturday and left Monday and you now feel you should reach out?
I'm going to guess that prior to two years ago he drank regularly? Also, he hasn't actually been sober for two years, you have mentioned he relapsed, how often, recently prior to this episode?
I assume you two have been together a long time, since your children are 17 and 21 what makes you believe that he doesn't think you are there for him anyway? You talked to him about him picking up his clothes.
What I'm saying is, he knows you well by now, he knows you would like to talk to him and he refused, so he does know you are there, so reaching out, while very tempting, is probably a wasted effort.
The absolute best thing you can do for you and your children is support yourself. Al Anon meetings, I hope you found one that is held soon, posting here, support from friends, these are your keys.
Does he normally attend a support group, like AA? If so, I'm sure he knows where support is.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ruby...….the best people to help an alcoholic are other alcoholics and professionals with special training in alcoholism.
An alcoholic will listen to other alcoholics before their loved ones.....
Because they do not feel so judged by other alcoholics and other alcoholics don't buy into their bs as much. In addition, the group dynamic is one of the powerful dynamics of AA and such groups.....
He should be going to AA, talking to his sponsor and other members...as well as his counselor/therapist....
The loved ones are usually far too enmeshed into their loved ones alcoholism to be objective....often, enabling them, unawares....
If you do hand holding for him...it may keep him from seeking the kind of help that he really needs.....
It is way above your pay grade to be trying to support/treat your own alcoholic...
He doesn't need a cheerleader...
The best thing you can do for him is to get out of his way.....
You have enough on your hands, anyway.....
An alcoholic will listen to other alcoholics before their loved ones.....
Because they do not feel so judged by other alcoholics and other alcoholics don't buy into their bs as much. In addition, the group dynamic is one of the powerful dynamics of AA and such groups.....
He should be going to AA, talking to his sponsor and other members...as well as his counselor/therapist....
The loved ones are usually far too enmeshed into their loved ones alcoholism to be objective....often, enabling them, unawares....
If you do hand holding for him...it may keep him from seeking the kind of help that he really needs.....
It is way above your pay grade to be trying to support/treat your own alcoholic...
He doesn't need a cheerleader...
The best thing you can do for him is to get out of his way.....
You have enough on your hands, anyway.....
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Originally Posted by Ruby2112
We didnt speak over the weekend as I knew he would be drinking so I left him to it....No close friends, just drinking buddies
It isn't enough to stop drinking. It's about replacing those activities and friends with other activities and other friends.
He's not in recovery. He just stopped drinking this morning and went to work, as did millions of other people.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
It's very kind of you to think about supporting him, but what would you be supporting him with? Are you thinking he might be considering coming home maybe?
Wouldn't it be more appropriate if he supported you with caring for the family, and all that entails, on your own?
Wouldn't it be more appropriate if he supported you with caring for the family, and all that entails, on your own?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 19
He hasn't drunk since sat. Hes reached out to me every day with some txt or another. His mental health slips very quickly and I know this by the tone of his texts. This is my issue. I cant not speak to someone who is obviously struggling when I know no one else is there for him. It does go beyond him just being an alcoholic. Weve agreed for him to.collect his belongings on wed, but he says hes not sure if he can manage that. He says hes a coward.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Originally Posted by Ruby2112
He hasn't drunk since sat. Hes reached out to me every day with some txt or another. His mental health slips very quickly and I know this by the tone of his texts. This is my issue. I cant not speak to someone who is obviously struggling when I know no one else is there for him. It does go beyond him just being an alcoholic. Weve agreed for him to.collect his belongings on wed, but he says hes not sure if he can manage that. He says hes a coward.
Is he leaning very heavily on you and relying on you to make things better? He is the only one who can truly make himself feel better.
Can I suggest you set a no contact period and stick to it?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by Ruby2112
He hasn't drunk since sat. Hes reached out to me every day with some txt or another. His mental health slips very quickly and I know this by the tone of his texts. This is my issue. I cant not speak to someone who is obviously struggling when I know no one else is there for him. It does go beyond him just being an alcoholic. Weve agreed for him to.collect his belongings on wed, but he says hes not sure if he can manage that. He says hes a coward.
Look, it's a hard balance, but he may not tackle his mental state while he's using you for therapy. I know I never grew until I was forced to think and fend for myself.
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Yes I suppose he is looking for reassurance but who wouldn't if your struggling mentally. Hes not asking anything of me, not for me to help in any way, or to take his clothes to him. Hes just txting me about every day things
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Look deeper Ruby.
He is expecting a response. You are both acting out a pattern that has repeated many times. He is asking indirectly (possibly unconsciously) for you to step in and shore him up yet again as you always have before.
I know I would never have taken the steps needed to deal with my drinking addiction as long as my spouse kept rescuing and supporting me emotionally.
It was only when he told me he had enough of my selfish treatment of him when I was drinking, and that he wouldn’t keep stepping in, that I got serious about recovery.
In hindsight I was using my childhood and past emotional trauma to embrace a victim role which was very disempowering to me and unfair to spouse, who kept having to “save me” from my own bad choices. Somebody had to have the courage to break the pattern.
My husband saying no was real love in action. Uncomfortable as heL for both of us but the key to me turning my life around.
He is expecting a response. You are both acting out a pattern that has repeated many times. He is asking indirectly (possibly unconsciously) for you to step in and shore him up yet again as you always have before.
I know I would never have taken the steps needed to deal with my drinking addiction as long as my spouse kept rescuing and supporting me emotionally.
It was only when he told me he had enough of my selfish treatment of him when I was drinking, and that he wouldn’t keep stepping in, that I got serious about recovery.
In hindsight I was using my childhood and past emotional trauma to embrace a victim role which was very disempowering to me and unfair to spouse, who kept having to “save me” from my own bad choices. Somebody had to have the courage to break the pattern.
My husband saying no was real love in action. Uncomfortable as heL for both of us but the key to me turning my life around.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ruby....you say that there is no one for him.....but, where are his recovery community people? Where are his AA members...where is his sponsor...where is his counselor?
there is a huge community of people who will be there for him every hour of the day...every day of the week....
All he has to do is to call or text them, or reach out his hand to them in some way.....
I know that we tend to believe that we are the only humans on Earth that they can rely on for this kind of support....but, there is where we are led astray.....
We feel that we are indispensable to them...and, we are not.....
But, if we buy that story...we find ourselves in a kind of prison of false obligation....
What if we were hit by a damn ole bus? What would they do....?
As I pointed out, in my other p ost, to you....we are the LEAST qualified people to help them with their alcoholism.....
Alcoholism and abuse are the two deal breakers in relationships---as the usual rules that we are taught about how relationships work....do not work in these two situations.....these two deal breakers turn everything all topsy-turvy...…
What you think of as "help and support".....may, actually, be enabling...…
Every practicing alcoholic wants to be enabled.....
This forum is for the help of YOU....we are trying to help YOU.....
there is a huge community of people who will be there for him every hour of the day...every day of the week....
All he has to do is to call or text them, or reach out his hand to them in some way.....
I know that we tend to believe that we are the only humans on Earth that they can rely on for this kind of support....but, there is where we are led astray.....
We feel that we are indispensable to them...and, we are not.....
But, if we buy that story...we find ourselves in a kind of prison of false obligation....
What if we were hit by a damn ole bus? What would they do....?
As I pointed out, in my other p ost, to you....we are the LEAST qualified people to help them with their alcoholism.....
Alcoholism and abuse are the two deal breakers in relationships---as the usual rules that we are taught about how relationships work....do not work in these two situations.....these two deal breakers turn everything all topsy-turvy...…
What you think of as "help and support".....may, actually, be enabling...…
Every practicing alcoholic wants to be enabled.....
This forum is for the help of YOU....we are trying to help YOU.....
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