Obsession with approval from others

Old 01-10-2020, 09:15 AM
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Obsession with approval from others

So while I still have active alcoholics in my life, I'm not living with one or in a romantic relationship with one. However, having grown up with alcoholic/emotionally distant parents, I have spent my entire life obsessed with other people's approval. In particular, authority figures. I'm so tired of it.

So my problem is this - I quit a job just before the holidays because they were taking advantage of me. I definitely didn't do a good job of how I quit. I did it by text. I've tried to make amends but they don't want to accept and have become incredibly vindictive. They now want me to sign a confidentiality agreement, which I originally agreed to but when I got it checked by a lawyer, I was advised not to sign it. I emailed them this morning to let them now and now I'm living in fear and jumping every time my phone beeps. Like, I know I've done the right thing for me but I'm terrified of their reaction. It's insane. I'm always working so hard to make people like me. I've made stupid decisions in my life based on this and I'm so terrified of losing that approval. I know the phrase "what other people think of me is none of my business" but knowing and feeling it are two different things. Has anyone had any experience of learning to not care about this type of thing? I'm sending myself crazy over this. It's been nearly a month since I quit and I still spend all of my time obsessing over it.
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Old 01-10-2020, 09:47 AM
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Oh yes. You are describing my entire life prior to getting into recovery from codependency. I can happily report that life on the other side is much more peaceful.

This was not a short or easy process. I worked with a therapist and over a three-year period I gradually built a sense of self-worth and self-esteem that I failed to learn growing up in a home dominated by my mother's addiction. The only way I could stop worrying about being "good enough" for everyone else was to concentrate on being good enough for ME.
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Old 01-10-2020, 10:55 AM
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Sparklekitty is right about this of course, that self-esteem, self-worth is oh so important.

I know I did this to some degree when I was say, in my 20s. I probably still do it in some ways now, however I have curbed it dramatically.

This is just from self observation. Never really knew why I felt the need to always do the right thing as in whatever someone else thought was right! But often I went that way. Not any more. Now I make decisions on what is good for me (also for others to some extent, I'm not selfish).

For instance with that paper you got from your former employer, I would have torn it up and thrown it in the garbage. You don't work for them anymore. If they want to pay you say, 10k to sign the agreement, well maybe lol - short of that, why on earth would you do that?

As for making amends to them, you realize the way you quit wasn't perhaps a good way so you (i'm assuming) apologized. Well that's the end of that. You cannot control someone's feelings about what you do.

So you make the best decisions for yourself, you get comfortable with that and leave the other people to their own devices.

Honestly, most people are focused on themselves and what they want. You have left that company (for instance) you are a commodity to them, you put in your person hours for pay to work with them. That is over, forget them.

I know that is really hard to do, it's not easy to change habits (and that is what this is) of a lifetime. But this is as good a place to start as any.

Therapy, if you are interested in really knocking this on the head, would be a great thing.
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Old 01-11-2020, 03:33 AM
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eli, I'm not sure how old you are, but if you're in your 20s or 30s I can tell you that as life goes on you will gain much more self-assurance.

Looking back, I can't believe some of the things I worried about when I was in my 20s and even later than that. I read somewhere on this forum that it's not menopause that affects a woman's mood but the fact that she's put up with enough sh**.

Not to say you won't benefit from some work with a therapist, or working on your fears. If you've been fair, apologised for mistakes and are at peace with you conscience, then really that's all you can do.
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Old 01-11-2020, 06:13 AM
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I guess I come to this from a different place. My boss is the ONLY person whose respect or approval I care about, because I like to eat and have my home heated. If you work for satisfaction, and don't need the money, good for you.

We're not talking about social situations here - it's a job. This isn't personal, it's business. You can't be forced to continue a job if you don't want to. You can quit, any time you want. That being said - "Amends" isn't just offering an apology, it means compensating or making up for a wrongdoing. There's nothing you really can do but offer an apology, but understand if the business was left shorthanded at the holiday, that doesn't 'amend' anything.

It's kind of laughable that your employer to wants you to sign a non-disclosure agreement after you've quit. That's the sort of thing to take care of before they hire someone. [shrug] Too bad for them.

The only thing the employer can do is tell a potential boss that you're not eligible for re-hire. In the current US economy with really low unemployment, I suspect finding a new job, if you want one, won't be difficult.
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Old 01-11-2020, 08:30 AM
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Originally Posted by elihoping View Post
Has anyone had any experience of learning to not care about this type of thing?
I imagine that everyone has experience with this to some degree. What has made an enormous positive difference for me is focusing on identifying and prioritizing my needs and values as opposed to trying to not care what others think. We care about what other people think when we are looking to others for validation. Unless you had extraordinary hippie parents, this training process began as a child. If you grew up in any type of co-dependent situation (alcoholic or not,) this training process has being going on all of your life. It takes quite a bit of effort and re-training to change what feels like a "natural" inclination to look to others for cues about what is important, what to value and for our own self worth. Instead of trying not to care about what others think, you'll likely get a lot more mileage out of discerning what is important for you, how you feel and what is of value to you. The better we get at prioritizing our own values, the less concern we have about what others might possibly be thinking about us.

This is indeed part of the maturity process and hopefully, we get better at it as we get older, but not always. Some of us have to make a point of learning and practicing. What's helped me especially is spending time in community with others who are really good at it.
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Old 01-12-2020, 02:12 PM
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There is a wise poster on here (Dandylion) who has the best definition for co-dependency......

Co-dependency is most about a lack of relationship with self, rather than about our relationship with others. I found this for me to ring very true.

Digging into my lack of relationship with myself was very helpful. I was disconnected from my feelings. I was interested in others so I did not have to feel my own feelings. I found Al-anon, reading about co-dependency and other topics and therapy to all be helpful in my healing.

I had the difference between guilt (upset about a behavior) and shame (upset about myself as a person) to work through.

I am most of the way through it and life is so much better.

This is an aside but I find the work of Esther Perel, especially her podcast How's Work very helpful now and I think I would have when I was in the thick of this. Esther believes that our family of origin stuff and wounding that needs to heal particularly presents itself in two places, the workplace and in intimate relationships.
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Old 01-12-2020, 10:04 PM
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Thank you all so much for your responses. They've all helped me in different ways. I thought getting sober would be the hardest thing I ever did but the codependency and FOO work is so challenging! Lots done, more to do.
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