Can't make this up!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by California123 
As I, and many here have claimed, actions speak louder than words in many ways in life. Clearly it is time to practice what I/we preach. Thank you all for the support. It is very helpful and the path intend to take, and have already done so. Need to keep up the (non) actions of the last 2 days, permanently!
It might hurt for a while but realistically, this can't work right now, certainly not while she is active addiction and she obviously doesn't want to stop.
We are here to support you.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Have you tried any mindfulness work, particularly as you are on a successful 2 day period of no contact? When you get the urge to call/text/check you phone/take the block off, just label that for yourself ... 'here I go, thinking of breaking no contact again'.
Focus on what you will do with your new freedom and peace ... read? Watch a movie? Go for a walk/to the gym/shoot some hoops? See a friend?
Take it from one of those who is deeply entrenched in life with an A - kids, house etc, .... a stitch, in time, saves nine.
Focus on what you will do with your new freedom and peace ... read? Watch a movie? Go for a walk/to the gym/shoot some hoops? See a friend?
Take it from one of those who is deeply entrenched in life with an A - kids, house etc, .... a stitch, in time, saves nine.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Hey California, I hope you are doing okay. It may take more than you want to admit to actually get out of this relationship. It can be very humbling. Please circle every wagon you have.
Let us know how you get on.
Let us know how you get on.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 76
[QUOTE=Bekindalways;7355952]Hey California, I hope you are doing okay. It may take more than you want to admit to actually get out of this relationship. It can be very humbling. Please circle every wagon you have.
Let us know how you get
Thank you for asking, I'm doing ok. Much better now, things have settled down some. I have remained firm in my non replying to her 5-8 texts a day----I only replied 1 time (yesterday) to her asking if she was "blocked" and I said "I would never block you but it's best we don't communicate", and that was that. So far, so good! Her varying messages Have been bizarre at the very least, hopefully this time and growing space will allow her to gain some stability and some calm. I'll be ok, I can handle it no problem. Appreciate you asking!
Let us know how you get
Thank you for asking, I'm doing ok. Much better now, things have settled down some. I have remained firm in my non replying to her 5-8 texts a day----I only replied 1 time (yesterday) to her asking if she was "blocked" and I said "I would never block you but it's best we don't communicate", and that was that. So far, so good! Her varying messages Have been bizarre at the very least, hopefully this time and growing space will allow her to gain some stability and some calm. I'll be ok, I can handle it no problem. Appreciate you asking!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
California, I'm going to gently suggest you don't close the door on blocking her some day. Sometimes when a relationship is very toxic, we have to give ourselves the option of protecting ourselves from our own unhealthy behaviors.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
California, I'm with sparkle on this one. Not blocking her is a bit like an alcoholic deciding not to drink but keeping alcohol in their home . . .. . why make something so difficult even more difficult.
I haven't really followed your story, so I don't know. Have you tried Alanon? Read Codependent No more?
I haven't really followed your story, so I don't know. Have you tried Alanon? Read Codependent No more?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Blocking or not blocking...
the purpose of blocking... in my experience... is more for the blocker than the blockee. We can’t change the behavior or recovery of the qualifier...
BUT... when we block ALL contact it’s like the A breaking up with booze forever... it’s a brain changer... literally.
imIntimate relationships alter brain chemistry... you can retrain your brain but not is you keep sipping on thedrug of choice... for us it’s the A!
as my signature suggests the toxic ride of the A relationship is like an elevator... to hell... but sometimes (usually make up sex) it’s the penthouse with the jacuzzi and champagne laced with passion and dopamine or its like flesh being seated off its so emotionally painful.
so... we ride the elevator up and down with our qualifier trying to find a middle floor of peace and happiness but instead we are either flying high on empty promises and dreams or crashing into the basement of despair.
And the entire time you just hit the button and get out the elevator and walk out the door and block all contact! And you keep walking and your life has a fresh chance to fulfill your dreams, hopes and eventually wiser you get a better picker you learned to discern before leaping into a relationship with red flags sticking out all over the place!...
thats when you start YOUR recovery! When you turn the page and hit block on your phone. It’s over... finis.
worked for me!!!
Good luck... and shalom.
BUT... when we block ALL contact it’s like the A breaking up with booze forever... it’s a brain changer... literally.
imIntimate relationships alter brain chemistry... you can retrain your brain but not is you keep sipping on thedrug of choice... for us it’s the A!
as my signature suggests the toxic ride of the A relationship is like an elevator... to hell... but sometimes (usually make up sex) it’s the penthouse with the jacuzzi and champagne laced with passion and dopamine or its like flesh being seated off its so emotionally painful.
so... we ride the elevator up and down with our qualifier trying to find a middle floor of peace and happiness but instead we are either flying high on empty promises and dreams or crashing into the basement of despair.
And the entire time you just hit the button and get out the elevator and walk out the door and block all contact! And you keep walking and your life has a fresh chance to fulfill your dreams, hopes and eventually wiser you get a better picker you learned to discern before leaping into a relationship with red flags sticking out all over the place!...
thats when you start YOUR recovery! When you turn the page and hit block on your phone. It’s over... finis.
worked for me!!!
Good luck... and shalom.
Last edited by Hopeworks; 01-11-2020 at 11:42 AM. Reason: Spelling
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Not replying is still letting her drama in. You read it... it’s inside you. She’s obsessive, you’re obsessed. She’s addicted, you’re addicted. Same deal just different addictions.
Sorry to be blunt but your casual response/tone says more than I think you even realize (at this time).
Without a doubt... NC was the healthiest decision I made for myself. Cutting off avenues for toxic behavior to thrive helps not just you, but also them!
Sorry to be blunt but your casual response/tone says more than I think you even realize (at this time).
Without a doubt... NC was the healthiest decision I made for myself. Cutting off avenues for toxic behavior to thrive helps not just you, but also them!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Originally Posted by LifeChangeNYC
Not replying is still letting her drama in. You read it... it’s inside you. She’s obsessive, you’re obsessed. She’s addicted, you’re addicted. Same deal just different addictions.
Sorry to be blunt but your casual response/tone says more than I think you even realize (at this time).
Without a doubt... NC was the healthiest decision I made for myself. Cutting off avenues for toxic behavior to thrive helps not just you, but also them!
Sorry to be blunt but your casual response/tone says more than I think you even realize (at this time).
Without a doubt... NC was the healthiest decision I made for myself. Cutting off avenues for toxic behavior to thrive helps not just you, but also them!
It is super tough to go no contact. It is like giving up the alcohol for the addict.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
^^^^^^ This many times over.
It is super tough to go no contact. It is like giving up the alcohol for the addict.
It is super tough to go no contact. It is like giving up the alcohol for the addict.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
while at least having the ability to be there for her in whatever way I can
and what does that look like to you? a week ago she threatened you with a restraining order. after you paid her electric bill, of course.
and what does that look like to you? a week ago she threatened you with a restraining order. after you paid her electric bill, of course.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Originally Posted by California123
And trust me, as fast as she will move on to someone new after this, I really don't think it will be an issue now that we have crossed this time/space barrier. !
Double down on taking care of yourself. I hope you have a good support network.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by California123
I appreciate the input from both of you (and everyone else). It's very helpful. It seems like things have settled down and we are both on new paths. I haven't "blocked" her, but also haven't engaged in any conversations either. I think she is now at the point that it is understood that we are done and she is no longer reaching out. And trust me, as fast as she will move on to someone new after this, I really don't think it will be an issue now that we have crossed this time/space barrier. I don't think I will ever block her completely, that's just not my style for whatever reason. I do truly believe that I have strong enough boundaries at this point to continue along my own path of moving forward from all of this completely, while at least having the ability to be there for her in whatever way I can but only on a friendship level tops. I can assure you, this is and will be the case!
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by Sasha1972
Can I ask - why is this not your style? By not blocking her, you are keeping alive the opportunity to read her nasty texts and to respond to her if you feel like it. Why is it important to you to keep this potential avenue of contact open? Are you getting some benefit out of this situation that is dissuading you from bringing it to an end?
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