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And we are back to normal It makes so much sense why people stay with As for so long. Right now he’s not drinking and things seem “normal”. The cycle is awful and so confusing emotionally. You just have to decide at some point to hop off the train I guess. It’s so easy to fall into “maybe this time”. Still moving this weekend. Glad to have the space for both of us to figure our lives out. |
Yes! This is one thing I hate about shared custody is that he often seems so "normal" when he's picking up DS and it makes my heart hurt for what I thought we used to have. I have to remind myself that appearing normal for 10-15 minutes a week is probably pretty easy. |
Strength, clarity and purpose, fwn. Nothing has really changed. This is just a repeat of the last 6, 492 times. One foot in front of the other. https://i.postimg.cc/MTLyXTT4/You-ke...hen-one-da.jpg |
just cuz he has not swallowed alcohol for a few days does not mean anything has changed. he's not fixed or cured - he's just in between drinking sessions. |
FWN, this may be your normal, but remember that normal does not necessarily equal healthy. It's just what you know. |
I know none of this is easy FWN. Kudos for you on pushing forward. It's good that you now realize this "normal" time as part of the cycle. I stayed trapped in the "maybe this time" loop for many years. It was very unhealthy. As heartbreaking and confusing as it is now, you will soon be seeing things with much more clarity. You are making the wisest decision possible under the circumstances. The space will give you room to breath and think without constantly walking on eggshells or waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's such an exhausting way to exist. I am glad you will soon have a reprieve from it all. Thank you for continuing to keep us apprised of how things are progressing. Beaming some positivity and strength your way! |
Originally Posted by Thlayli
(Post 7345795)
Yes! This is one thing I hate about shared custody is that he often seems so "normal" when he's picking up DS and it makes my heart hurt for what I thought we used to have. I have to remind myself that appearing normal for 10-15 minutes a week is probably pretty easy. |
I’m glad you’re going forward with getting your own place. Breathing room to concentrate on yourself and your children can only help. Addiction sucks all the air out of your life...it takes over. First his life, then yours. Wishing you more peaceful days ahead. :grouphug: |
Don't believe it. Mine stopped for 5 months. But the holidays are his current "excuse". So he's back at it. Thankfully I kept moving forward with my plans and will be filing with the court next week. His children are disappointed that he's drinking again. I'm past being disappointed - I think resigned is a better word. |
Sobriety is about growing up, sobering up and working a program. Its the big picture, not just not drinking for a couple days. Is he dong that? |
Happy New Year FWN, They can seem "normal" and hold themselves together for a few days. But something will happen and you will be right back to square one. You are right to continue you plans to get space between him and you. Just keep it one day at a time and keep being strong. |
He still hasn’t drank since the Christmas party, rightfully so because I’d lose my sh*t and leave earlier and he knows that. He did get rid of the entire contents of our liquor cabinet while I was gone for a few days over Christmas. I didn’t even notice because I’ve stopped checking our stash. He said somethng to me about it last night and I was super casual about it. Oh great, good for you. But I’m going to be honest here, this is SHOCKING. He’s never done anything like this. Never thought he had to, would never be willing when I used to ask forever ago. It doesn’t change me leaving of course, but I’m glad he’s working through things in his head. he did ask while we were cooking dinner “so a long time from now after we’ve worked on building trust and you trust me again, you still wouldn’t be okay with me having a glass of wine with a dinner like this? (We made a fancy steak dinner)”. I politely probably with a bit of a shocked face said no. I would not. Ever. Ever ever. He has so much to learn about recovery (in his plans while I’m gone) and THOSE kinds of questions show me where his mind is. I will not come back with THOSE kinds of questions being asked. This space is going to be good for the both of us. I just know it. And regardless of the personal stuff in my marriage, my dad called yesterday and my mom May be sick. Lots of tests coming in the new year, she’s had a bad coughs for MONTHS and they’re finally seeing the right people about it. I’m worried but glad we will be nearby for at least a few months. |
Got rid or hid? Maybe took to drinking buddy to “hold”? Don’t put too much faith in the gesture unless you personally saw it go down the sink. Consequences are happening and he is trying to do damage control. I hope you mother is OK FWN and that you can get some rest and peace. |
Originally Posted by fortworthnative
(Post 7347860)
he did ask while we were cooking dinner “so a long time from now after we’ve worked on building trust and you trust me again, you still wouldn’t be okay with me having a glass of wine with a dinner like this? (We made a fancy steak dinner)”. Who knows what may happen along that path? A month or three or six from now, the things you're focused on now may turn out to be unimportant to you. That was certainly my experience. Like the saying goes, https://i.postimg.cc/9f8qzvSg/change...um-750x400.jpg |
FWN, The first thing i though was did he really get rid of the booze or did he just hide it somewhere else. I threw out all the alcohol in my house, cause I knew it was too much of a temptation for my AW who was just starting AA and working the steps. I didn't need it. I wasn't looking for that next drink, but i knew she still had it in her brain. I still found out about a month latter she had some vodka hidden in a water bottle not marked in a cabinet that doesn't get open a lot. If he is still asking for wine he doesn't get it. That it's no alcohol of any type no matter what the situation. Cause first it's just with a fancy meal, then it's with every dinner, then it's with the evening activities. It just spirals out of control. You have seen this too many times. Keep sticking to your boundaries with him and keep being strong. I'm sorry for you mom's sickness. Praying that everything will be ok with her. You have enough to worry about already. Try and get rest and stay healthy. You have a long journey ahead of you. But you can do this. We are here for you. |
FWN hope 2020 brings you a new normal. You are on a new path now. Keep the faith. Strength to you. |
Yes, I'm of the same mindset as Hawkeye, that alcohol is somewhere and it's not down the sink, I wouldn't believe it for a minute (but hey, that's just my opinion). You mention he hasn't had a drink since xmas, how do you know this when you were away? I read a lot in the newcomers forum and the disbelief that they will never be able to have "a glass of wine with dinner" is a common theme in many threads. I have never seen a thread where it said - I'm here to tell you I tried to moderate and it is working just fine!! Not once. You on the other hand sound strong and you will get through this. Sorry to hear your mom is having health problems, hopefully it's something simple they can take care of and she will be feeling good again soon. |
but I’m glad he’s working through things in his head. he did ask while we were cooking dinner “so a long time from now after we’ve worked on building trust and you trust me again, you still wouldn’t be okay with me having a glass of wine with a dinner like this? nope, he's just shifted around some of the deck chairs on the Titanic. the booze may not be IN the liquor cabinet, but i doubt it's GONE. he also immediately brought ALCOHOL into your dinner, as a reference and a question about when he will next get to drink - with your permission. remember this? 12/17 he's said aloud to me he knows now after the incident a week and a half ago where he'd drank with my child while I went to pick up dinner that he has an alcohol addiction. That he really did want to try and moderate with his newfound enlightenment that he may be an A before and see if he could do it so he could prove it to himself one way or the other and now he says he knows he's an early stage alcoholic. And that he doesn't want to end up alone and dead in a ditch somewhere because he knows that's where this could lead. So that's something. AND.....He convinced me that he has to drink at the Christmas Party Thursday night but he swears he won't get drunk or do anything that would make me mad. Gosh where have I heard this before? So many other times. AND....he got drunk at the Christmas party. he is not trying to QUIT. he's merely trying to put up some smoke and mirrors and make gestures that appear to indicate a change in his relationship with alcohol. he's quietly whispering to his true love alcohol...soon, we'll be together again soon. i am sorry to hear about your mom. it does help to put things in perspective, clarify priorities, and hopefully propel you forward. |
Mine quit several times, anytime from several weeks and the longest was 13 months, all without actually seeking any sort of treatment, just quitting and white knuckling it. Look up dry drunk. Like others say, he is just in between drinking sessions, hoping to change your mind before you move out. You stay it will only be a matter of time before he will start again. Been there done that several times, stick with your plan. If he is serious about getting sober he will do it even if you aren’t there. Remember, you staying there hasn’t worked so far so why would it be different this time? He still hasn’t started therapy or AA meetings right? And it has been a good couple of weeks since he told you he would start doing some sort of therapy/meetings? Remember alcoholics are master manipulators and this is just another way to try an manipulate you. |
If you keep doing the same thing you keep getting the same results. Looking to the alcoholic to change will simply keep you stuck in the same place sometimes for years. I had to learn this lesson the hard way and will forever regret giving into denial and rationalization for so long. It was only when I took action that things changed, and for the better. |
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