Isolation and misunderstanding
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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Isolation and misunderstanding
I’m at his dad and step moms for a single night so I can give them a chance to see the baby while I also drop off my older children to stay with them a few nights. While I’ve kept my MIL in the loop about things over the years out of sheer desperation to let someone else in so I could confirm I’m not crazy (because I didn’t have a clue what alcohol addiction was until this last summer and he’d always turn it back on me making me think it was me and I believed him for so long), I’ve never told my step mother in law or his dad. His dad is an AH himself. And his wife acts like he’s not drunk or pretends it’s not happening, I don’t know, I cannot understand where she’s coming from there and I’ve told my AH many times I could NEVER be that wife that just acts like this problem doesn’t exist.
My AH told his dad what is going on yesterday afternoon because he’s taking a trailer from him back to our house to help me move. He said he told his dad I’m leaving because I want him to stop drinking and to figure out how to be okay with stopping drinking (his loose definition of recovery). Ha. Sounds like he’s super serious about wanting to quit, huh. HA. All me again, all my fault, never from within himself.
So I told his step mom as much as I could in a 5 minute window about us separating because kids were coming in and out. She doesn’t understand, she asked if we’d tried marriage counseling, if he’d done a program, if we planned to still work on our marriage during this separation. I told her our marriage simply will never work if he doesn’t address this drinking problem.
My point to all of this is that it sucks so much having been in hiding about all of this for so long because I’m the bad guy taking the kids and moving out. All because he simply drinks more than I want him to and I’m abandoning him when he needs me the most. That’s what she sees here and what his dad sees here I’m sure. They don’t realize the lies and manipulation and heartbreak I’ve been through, the let downs and getting my hopes up constantly. She asked when it got bad. I don’t know. It’s always been there and I was just ignorant, and when I realized more about alcoholism last summer I started seeing these behaviors through a different lense and it all started to make some sense.
And on the way back here from dinner last night he said he hopes I’m not tricking him. Leaving with the kids and never planning to come back. ME. Tricking HIM. Who has done the tricking here?!?!?
From my side, the only way he’d have been ever able to get me to stay is If he’d taken IMMEDIATE action, gone to IOP or even just AA regularly and shown me ANY REAL DESIRE AT ALL that he wants to stop. Instead of this “oh my wife wants me to stop drinking” BS. That’s what any person who truly wanted to change their life would do. They do something different. BE different.
I appreciate whoever suggested I start a running list of good vs bad things he says and does. This is helping too. The co dependent no more also supports this when saying that so many people stay because they LOVE their partner. But in the end why? What do they do that’s so lovable? You may feel like you love someone, but putting into words why and listing reasons, is it really love or is it just an unhealthy emotional attachment? Ugh how sad is it that I just said that about my marriage.
I’m glad I was able to get some of this out to my step MIL. Sometime is I feel like this online forum is an alternate reality. And it makes it more real to speak to someone who knows my AH so I don’t feel so personally isolated and hidden.
As always. Thanks for listening. Thanks for commenting. I don’t know what I’d do without your support.
My AH told his dad what is going on yesterday afternoon because he’s taking a trailer from him back to our house to help me move. He said he told his dad I’m leaving because I want him to stop drinking and to figure out how to be okay with stopping drinking (his loose definition of recovery). Ha. Sounds like he’s super serious about wanting to quit, huh. HA. All me again, all my fault, never from within himself.
So I told his step mom as much as I could in a 5 minute window about us separating because kids were coming in and out. She doesn’t understand, she asked if we’d tried marriage counseling, if he’d done a program, if we planned to still work on our marriage during this separation. I told her our marriage simply will never work if he doesn’t address this drinking problem.
My point to all of this is that it sucks so much having been in hiding about all of this for so long because I’m the bad guy taking the kids and moving out. All because he simply drinks more than I want him to and I’m abandoning him when he needs me the most. That’s what she sees here and what his dad sees here I’m sure. They don’t realize the lies and manipulation and heartbreak I’ve been through, the let downs and getting my hopes up constantly. She asked when it got bad. I don’t know. It’s always been there and I was just ignorant, and when I realized more about alcoholism last summer I started seeing these behaviors through a different lense and it all started to make some sense.
And on the way back here from dinner last night he said he hopes I’m not tricking him. Leaving with the kids and never planning to come back. ME. Tricking HIM. Who has done the tricking here?!?!?
From my side, the only way he’d have been ever able to get me to stay is If he’d taken IMMEDIATE action, gone to IOP or even just AA regularly and shown me ANY REAL DESIRE AT ALL that he wants to stop. Instead of this “oh my wife wants me to stop drinking” BS. That’s what any person who truly wanted to change their life would do. They do something different. BE different.
I appreciate whoever suggested I start a running list of good vs bad things he says and does. This is helping too. The co dependent no more also supports this when saying that so many people stay because they LOVE their partner. But in the end why? What do they do that’s so lovable? You may feel like you love someone, but putting into words why and listing reasons, is it really love or is it just an unhealthy emotional attachment? Ugh how sad is it that I just said that about my marriage.
I’m glad I was able to get some of this out to my step MIL. Sometime is I feel like this online forum is an alternate reality. And it makes it more real to speak to someone who knows my AH so I don’t feel so personally isolated and hidden.
As always. Thanks for listening. Thanks for commenting. I don’t know what I’d do without your support.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
he told his dad I’m leaving because I want him to stop drinking and to figure out how to be okay with stopping drinking
The mind, it boggles. But then, I've not been addicted to alcohol.
I never told my parents or my late AH's parents about his drinking. Or anyone else. I remember communication with a friend after AH's death and writing, "You may not have realized it, but ___was an alcoholic," Friend wrote back that of course he knew. That was a surprise, because he didn't have many dealings with my husband, this was a buddy of mine from my community theater hobby. I suppose one can telephone to leave a message only so many times before it's obvious. I bet a lot of people knew, even though I said nothing to anyone but my shrink.
Sending prayers and good wishes your way.
The mind, it boggles. But then, I've not been addicted to alcohol.
I never told my parents or my late AH's parents about his drinking. Or anyone else. I remember communication with a friend after AH's death and writing, "You may not have realized it, but ___was an alcoholic," Friend wrote back that of course he knew. That was a surprise, because he didn't have many dealings with my husband, this was a buddy of mine from my community theater hobby. I suppose one can telephone to leave a message only so many times before it's obvious. I bet a lot of people knew, even though I said nothing to anyone but my shrink.
Sending prayers and good wishes your way.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
FWN, you are only the bad guy if you accept the title. You don't have to. Your MIL is stuck in her own issues and projecting them onto you, just like most others will be and have been. Many of them for sure believe they know what is best for you and your kids, but you are the only one that has had to live with the reality. Not even your husband has been brave enough to do that.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
Everything about alcoholism just sucks. Your situation, my situation, others here at SR. Different, yet the same. My AH’s family all know he has a drinking problem but no one was willing to say it to him. They actually enabled him more and more as this was their way of showing him love I guess. Would sit outside and drink with him because he was “lonely” Invite him over for a drink so he could feel “involved”....yah oooookay. People ask me how’s “blank” doing? Well...what about me? No one asks how I’M doing. How I’M getting along without him. This is something I’ve had to come to terms with, on my own. I’m glad your starting to let others know what is going on. I to kept things covered for many years. I do believe people “see” more then they let on to. They know, deep down. Either family wants to keep the status quo or their too afraid to face their own reality (my AH’s family are all drinkers) You are on the right path. Don’t let anyone deter you.
One Day At A Time
One Day At A Time
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Your husband's family are an example of why this malady goes on for generations. To them this is "normal."
To be honest, your Mother in Law would have to have progressed in some serious recovery before she could ever see it from your perspective. Right now, this is her "little boy", whose wife is leaving him for what she perceives as trivial reasons.
To be honest, your Mother in Law would have to have progressed in some serious recovery before she could ever see it from your perspective. Right now, this is her "little boy", whose wife is leaving him for what she perceives as trivial reasons.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
dysfunctional families thrive in a closed system. everyone drinks the juice, so to speak. there are some rules that must be adhered to - #1, never EVER talk about the elephant in the living room. #2, you don't see what you see, hear what you hear, or know what you know. everything is done to protect the disease and those afflicted.
should anyone in the system defy the rules, it begins to upset the order of things. if one says i can't take the drinking anymore, others will say What Drinking? they will also try to bring the traitor back in line - by shaming, denying, or deflecting. he doesn't have a problem, but YOU do. their response to CHANGE is to enact a Change Back campaign. it's either that or face reality. but there are rules against that.
should anyone in the system defy the rules, it begins to upset the order of things. if one says i can't take the drinking anymore, others will say What Drinking? they will also try to bring the traitor back in line - by shaming, denying, or deflecting. he doesn't have a problem, but YOU do. their response to CHANGE is to enact a Change Back campaign. it's either that or face reality. but there are rules against that.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
fwn, that's a powerful post. While I'm sorry for the pain you've been through and the pain yet to come, your strength, clarity and purpose are truly impressive. Your eyes and mind are clear and your heart is strong. It's unfortunate that some of those who could be part of your support system are so caught in their own dysfunction that they can't even understand your situation, let alone support you through it.
I hope you can keep your focus sharp and continue to put one foot in front of the other. You're going to make it, one way or another.
I hope you can keep your focus sharp and continue to put one foot in front of the other. You're going to make it, one way or another.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
FWN you are amazing. The journey you are on, sharing it, your story
will help many others. You have been able to articulate the confusion,
frustration, anger, fear, isolation - everything, so well.
Personal responsibility is a hallmark of recovery- when the A stops
blaming everyone else for their troubles and bad decisions.
You could say to your husband that one way you will know he is serious
about recovery is when he stops blaming you for what is happening
and his drinking.
will help many others. You have been able to articulate the confusion,
frustration, anger, fear, isolation - everything, so well.
Personal responsibility is a hallmark of recovery- when the A stops
blaming everyone else for their troubles and bad decisions.
You could say to your husband that one way you will know he is serious
about recovery is when he stops blaming you for what is happening
and his drinking.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
I think it's lucky really that you only had a few minutes to explain the situation to your step MIL. Unfortunately she is not going to be your ally. I don't mean she needs to take sides, but she cannot be an ally in this situation as she doesn't understand. The information you have given is sufficient. They can be support for your AH perhaps.
No he doesn't sound serious about quitting, let's hope this is just some bravado for the folks. This is going to get serious very fast and he can take some time alone to think about it.
You've told him what you need, he will either do it or he won't, but he doesn't get that yet. Hopefully he will.
Not sure if this is something he dreamed up on his own or perhaps one of the parents said it. Regardless, it's not based in any reality at this point. You have been MORE than accommodating, time for him to step up.
No he doesn't sound serious about quitting, let's hope this is just some bravado for the folks. This is going to get serious very fast and he can take some time alone to think about it.
he hopes I’m not tricking him. Leaving with the kids and never planning to come back. ME. Tricking HIM. Who has done the tricking here?!?!?
Not sure if this is something he dreamed up on his own or perhaps one of the parents said it. Regardless, it's not based in any reality at this point. You have been MORE than accommodating, time for him to step up.
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