righttheship

Today, my estranged AH, who's apparently 197 days sober, went on a tirade against me in front of the children. I took the kids away to my parents for Christmas, but traveled back into the city just for the day to take the kids for their weekly swim lesson. I offered for AH to join us, as he does most Saturdays. We picked him up. When he got in the car, I could feel the hatred. He was completely alone for the past 6 days, and he was furious. Long story short, he totally lost it in front of the kids. Just to give you a little flavor of the vitriol: He blamed me entirely for his alcoholic downfall, yelling at the kids that I was keeping them from him, calling me a ***** (really?), calling me a professional liar and a narcissist, and then screaming over and over "I hope you die, I hope you die, I'd do it myself. But I don't want to go to jail." As I pulled up to drop him off, he grabbed the keys and wouldn't give them back. I was truly scared, as he had me cornered. He screamed that karma was going to get me, and telling the kids what a terrible person I was. Fortunately, he eventually handed the keys to my 6-year-old and we were able to safely pull away.

Question: Generally speaking, what is good enough for a civil protection order? I know I should speak to a professional, and I will. But I always feel like it's going to be a he said/she said scenario. There's no witnesses (besides young children). What's to stop him from making things up about me? And then the Judge is just left throwing up her hands?

trailmix

Hi RTS, I don't know about restraining orders, just wanted to say I'm really sorry that happened to you and your children, very traumatic for all of you.

By the way, despite your misgivings, I would report it to the police, in person and seek their advice (today).

He's obviously been thinking about this, please don't hesitate to report it and get advice from the police.

Mango212

Hello righttheship,

I'm so sorry you and your children are having to deal with this.

What he did is not alright. It's not okay. Alcoholism may explain the tirades; it does not excuse them.

Calling your local domestic violence help center could be very beneficial, for emotional support, psychologically processing these things and possibly with navigating whatever it takes for an order of protection.

Do you feel this was a dry drunk type of behavior or has he been drinking?

EmeraldCoastGal

If you felt like your life was in danger, you can absolutely get an emergency order of protection. It will only be good until you meet in court, and then you have to sell it to the judge. Big red flag is him taking the keys and not giving them back. Worst case scenario is that you don't get a permanent order, BUT there will be a paper trail and it may help you down the road if you need to establish a pattern of behavior.

FarmhouseGal

righttheship

I'm pretty sure it's dry drunk behavior. He's in a bad situation--living wise, work wise, etc., etc. I just have this small, but ever present, gut feeling that, at some point, something bad is going to happen. But a nagging feeling isn't going to cut it--proof-wise. For now, we're far away. On Monday morning, I'm going to head back into the city and go the DV center at the courthouse. At a minimum, I'll get some information and hopefully better understand the process and what's available.

Thanks all for the responses. Now to tend to my confused little boys :-(

Abandoned80

righttheship

You know what really gets me? I was trying to take my children to swim lessons! Like, the most benign (and responsible) thing ever. And there's just no reprieve, ever. I think of myself as a strong person, but hearing someone spew lies about you time and again really starts to take its toll. I just want a normal life. I want to go to swim lessons (!) in peace. But even that's too much to ask for.

Abandoned80

trailmix

I hope you will give the police in the home area you were in a call anyway, to report what he said.

Please don't downplay this, he said he wants to kill you. Normal thinking people don't do that. The fact that he then said he would go to prison means it was more than just a passing thought.

That's dangerous.

I really hope you will act on that gut feeling.

SmallButMighty

I hate that this happened to you, and it's made so much worse because it was done in front of your children, HIS children. WTF... who does that??? If I were in your shoes I would not be inviting him along for any extra visits like the swimming lessons. I understand you wanting him included for the kid's sakes but when he could behave like that in front of them, he doesn't deserve the privilege!!!

My AXH was never angry when he was actively drunk. I know many times men get extra violent when they drink but not my ex. Anyways, when he was dry drunk, ooooooh boooooy, he could get rage-shaking-furious for next to no reason. It could be very scary even though it was never leveled at me. It's frightening to watch someone lose control of their temper like that. I can only imagine what I would have felt like if he had directed that fury at me. Yikes! I am so sorry you had such a terrible experience.

I hope you do report the incident and do reach out to any and all support options. Let friends, family and coworkers know what happened. I'm scared for you and I think the more people that know he is dangerous the safer you and the kids will be.

dandylion

rightheship…...I fervently hope that you don't minimize this event.....I see it as spelling Danger, in several ways.
I do hope that you will carry out your plan to talk to the people at the dv center.
They deal with this kind of situation all of the time, and they will be able to give you support and solid advice...
What your husband did to you was not only abuse but, it was also Child Abuse!
You will have nothing to lose by talking confidentially to the dv people and making a police report.....
This can be a very dangerous time and I am glad that y o are aware of that.....

hopeful4

Next time call the police and let them know you fear you are in danger.

righttheship

Just a quick update to confirm that I obtained a civil protection order on Monday. I went to the local domestic violence intake center, and they hand-held me through the process. It was actually very empowering. I know it's just a piece of paper. But still, it felt good to have a disinterested third party--a judge who unfortunately sees this stuff every day--affirm that estranged AH's conduct is unacceptable, unsafe, and merits legal intervention.

I think, on some level, I was worried my issue wasn't critical enough to bother the DV intake center. Like, I'd be taking their time away from more serious matters. But I decided I had to walk through that door--even if it might be humiliating and expose to people that my life is screwed up. The counselors were great though; they reassured me that my situation is exactly what they deal with and that what I was describing was more than enough to obtain a stay-away order. It was validating. Anyways, for anyone reading this who might need to hear it, don't let embarrassment prevent you from talking confidentially to your local DV center. There's a lot of help and resources (like counselors to literally type your petition for the stay-away order and referrals to therapists for your minor children, etc., etc.).

FeelingGreat

So glad you followed through and got a useful outcome. Are you ready to report if he violates the order in any way? There's a chance he will push the boundaries a little to see what reaction he gets.

trailmix

Oh I'm so glad. Also sorry you are experiencing this at all, of course, it would be great if he could be kind and civil.

As that is not the case, while yes, it is just a piece of paper, it does give you legal protection from him and as he will be notified he will realize others are watching him and it might curb his ideas.

Nd819

Sorry you had to go through this, I can't imagine any sane person acting like that in front of their children. Could he be on drugs? I'm glad you were able to get a protective order but I do want to reiterate what you said in that it is only a piece of paper. I think it is important to start building a case but understand it can sometimes add fuel to the fire. Be careful and protect yourself and your kids, do you have cameras or a security system? Don't mean to scare you but better safe than sorry.

Ariesagain

I am so sorry this became necessary, but hooray for you for following through and getting the protection order!

That took a ton of strength, honesty, and courage...good for you!!!

hopeful4

Good for you! I am so very proud of you. Sending you huge hugs!

Sasha1972

This is so great to read. And I totally know what you mean about getting that validation from people who deal with this stuff every day, that what you're going through is indeed really bad, and normal people do not behave the way your XAH is behaving. That external, objective assessment of your situation is so important.