Has anyone been through anything like this before??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: bowling green ky
Posts: 201
Has anyone been through anything like this before??
As alot of you know from my previous threads, my H is an alcoholic-crack addict. I found out 11/17 that I was pregnant. I was soooooooooo excited and so was my AH- he was even talking about "responsibility" and full time employment and all that stuff- even lessened the drinking (some) and I was actually happy- really happy like I haven't been in I don't know how long
I miscarried on Thanksgiving day. I had only known a week but I am just crushed- I know this baby wouldn't change my AH's behavior (I know only he can do that) but for once he actually acted like something was more important than himself. I am so sad- so is he. He is drinking even more today than in the past. I just don't understand how my HP could let this happen to us- it isn't fair. I am so upset and down. I am back at work today trying to move on and my AH just is digging himself in deeper.
I miscarried on Thanksgiving day. I had only known a week but I am just crushed- I know this baby wouldn't change my AH's behavior (I know only he can do that) but for once he actually acted like something was more important than himself. I am so sad- so is he. He is drinking even more today than in the past. I just don't understand how my HP could let this happen to us- it isn't fair. I am so upset and down. I am back at work today trying to move on and my AH just is digging himself in deeper.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 17
Death changed things for us, too
My H was faking pretty well with his addictions until our 7 month old son passed away unexpectedly. Then his addictions got out of control. That was 2 years ago.
I am sure you are not here right now at all, but right now I kind of see the silver lining in the experience. I would not wish losing a child on anyone, and I am sooo sorry you have, BUT it did send my addicted husband way further into his addictions. Why is that good? He FINALLY started dealing with them and realized how much of a grip they had on him. If he had continued on his intermittent addiction with the illusion of control, he may never have gone down the path of true healing.
Also, having a child changes things a lot. It adds stress, which triggers most of the addictions. I know that the fact that I have two surviving children means I tolerate way less of his addictive behaviors than I would otherwise. I mean, I don't think any child should see his/her parent drunk on the floor. The VERY FIRST TIME I saw that, he went directly to a hospital. I did not grow up like that at all so I find it extremely foreign that any child would...I know that many do. It is too sad.
Right now you need to take care of you more than ever and let him grieve in his own way. Two people grieving are like two people with broken legs...they are not effective walking together. One of the best things my doctor did was tell me that I needed to focus on sleeping and eating healthy, and that if I did those two things, the emotional would work itself out. Of course, he had to give me Ambien to sleep so I would not obsess on those last moments.
Are there any support groups for miscarriage in your area? I would suggest you go to one. They are run far differently than Al-Anon groups. Just seeing others who have been down your road will help. And when you are able to heal a little, you may be able to rejoin your husband and grieve together.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Amy
I am sure you are not here right now at all, but right now I kind of see the silver lining in the experience. I would not wish losing a child on anyone, and I am sooo sorry you have, BUT it did send my addicted husband way further into his addictions. Why is that good? He FINALLY started dealing with them and realized how much of a grip they had on him. If he had continued on his intermittent addiction with the illusion of control, he may never have gone down the path of true healing.
Also, having a child changes things a lot. It adds stress, which triggers most of the addictions. I know that the fact that I have two surviving children means I tolerate way less of his addictive behaviors than I would otherwise. I mean, I don't think any child should see his/her parent drunk on the floor. The VERY FIRST TIME I saw that, he went directly to a hospital. I did not grow up like that at all so I find it extremely foreign that any child would...I know that many do. It is too sad.
Right now you need to take care of you more than ever and let him grieve in his own way. Two people grieving are like two people with broken legs...they are not effective walking together. One of the best things my doctor did was tell me that I needed to focus on sleeping and eating healthy, and that if I did those two things, the emotional would work itself out. Of course, he had to give me Ambien to sleep so I would not obsess on those last moments.
Are there any support groups for miscarriage in your area? I would suggest you go to one. They are run far differently than Al-Anon groups. Just seeing others who have been down your road will help. And when you are able to heal a little, you may be able to rejoin your husband and grieve together.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: bowling green ky
Posts: 201
Thanks everyone. and Amy- thanks for sharing your story. I actually have an 8 yr old son from my first marriage- my AH has no children. I know what I am going through is tough- but I know I will be OK- that is the biggest difference in me and my AH- I keep moving , and he "can't handle it"
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hello Elli,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. There are no words that can describe the pain associated with losing a baby. I lost a baby girl in my 5th month. They had to induce labor and took her. So I want you to know that you're in my prayers for strength to carry on.
When stuff like this happens, I think it's natural to blame God or wonder why he would let something like this happen. I was furious. When people sent flowers with condolences, I threw them out in the back yard. I didn't want to be reminded that God had let me down and took away my baby girl.
My next door neighbor was a nurse and told me that your body will reject a baby when there is something wrong. It doesn't happen all the time, but she felt that's what happened with me. The doc told me what was wrong with her and that if she lived, she would have been blind and who knows what else. I can't remember because I've blocked it from my mind over the years.
Now I look back at what happened after that and realized that life with my AH was spiralling downward. Things were getting worse. Our son was always sick and in the hospital for lots of different things. I was overwhelmed, stressed and miserable. And for many years after that, my AH was blacking out and just a real **** poor excuse for a father, husband and human being.
I can honestly say now, that I think God knew what he was doing when he chose to take my little one to be one of his angels. He knew I could never have properly taken care of a child with many disabilities considering what my life was like at that time.
After my AH went to rehab, I read somewhere, and I wish I could remember where I saw it, that when one of the parents are heavily drinking/drugging, it can cause birth defects and lots of times, there are spontaneous miscarriages.
After I lost her, I just went ahead and had my tubes tied. I didn't want to go through it again. Eventhough I desperately wanted another baby. I couldn't risk bringing another life into the world with possible birth defects because my husband's drinking was horribly out of control. It wouldn't have been fair to my unborn child. My son and I were already living in hell.
You're lucky you have your 8 year old son. What a blessing.
I will keep you in my prayers. Take care of yourself.
Be well and be blessed,
Kathy
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. There are no words that can describe the pain associated with losing a baby. I lost a baby girl in my 5th month. They had to induce labor and took her. So I want you to know that you're in my prayers for strength to carry on.
When stuff like this happens, I think it's natural to blame God or wonder why he would let something like this happen. I was furious. When people sent flowers with condolences, I threw them out in the back yard. I didn't want to be reminded that God had let me down and took away my baby girl.
My next door neighbor was a nurse and told me that your body will reject a baby when there is something wrong. It doesn't happen all the time, but she felt that's what happened with me. The doc told me what was wrong with her and that if she lived, she would have been blind and who knows what else. I can't remember because I've blocked it from my mind over the years.
Now I look back at what happened after that and realized that life with my AH was spiralling downward. Things were getting worse. Our son was always sick and in the hospital for lots of different things. I was overwhelmed, stressed and miserable. And for many years after that, my AH was blacking out and just a real **** poor excuse for a father, husband and human being.
I can honestly say now, that I think God knew what he was doing when he chose to take my little one to be one of his angels. He knew I could never have properly taken care of a child with many disabilities considering what my life was like at that time.
After my AH went to rehab, I read somewhere, and I wish I could remember where I saw it, that when one of the parents are heavily drinking/drugging, it can cause birth defects and lots of times, there are spontaneous miscarriages.
After I lost her, I just went ahead and had my tubes tied. I didn't want to go through it again. Eventhough I desperately wanted another baby. I couldn't risk bringing another life into the world with possible birth defects because my husband's drinking was horribly out of control. It wouldn't have been fair to my unborn child. My son and I were already living in hell.
You're lucky you have your 8 year old son. What a blessing.
I will keep you in my prayers. Take care of yourself.
Be well and be blessed,
Kathy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: some where in Kansas
Posts: 42
You have my thoughts and prayers. I miscarried at 9 weeks, after two songrams and trips to an infertility dr. to get pregnant. It was so very hard, but the doctor's office sent information on dealing with the loss of a child and it helped. I put down the name we picked and wrote a little about the baby. We have a special christmas ornament for him on the Christmas tree and the sonogram pictures. He is our little angel. God does have a reason for what happens. You will go on, you will ask why, you won't find the answers you want at first, but you will work through it. You now have your own angel in heaven helping you, holding your hand through life. God bless you.
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