Foolish me

Old 12-25-2019, 08:49 AM
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Foolish me

But I just this morning broke things off again with an ex.

I officially left him in May of 2018 (my back story is in my old posts) but a few months back he reached out and had come out of jail, was living in a sober living house, had a steady job and a car! He never had a car. I thought his life was looking up. He went to AA meetings every day, and came down to my city (we live about 60 miles apart) a few times over the past few months and we have been talking every day. I set boundaries with him that we needed to move slowly because I wasn't ready to jump into a relationship with him and trust him again.

Well-- about a week ago he stopped texting me consistently and would go hours and a day with radio silence. It was very bizarre- and was reminiscent to me of the old days when he would go on binges of drinking/using/selling. When I voiced this concern he of course gas lighted and made me feel like I was losing my mind and he was fine. He left his sober living home and he was going through a tough time because he was back at his parents and looking for a new safe place to stay- this is what he listed as the reason for his distance.

He came down to go to a basketball game with me last weekend and i felt something was off. He was EXHAUSTED the whole time and it reminded me of times i had home detoxed him in the past and my gut was not feeling at ease.

I went through his phone and found out he relapsed and also has been selling drugs. We had a conversation about this and he admitted that he was scared of himself and he was trying so hard to not throw his life down the drain. In fact- he had time scheduled to meet a new sober house manager to hopefully get back into that environment.

He was supposed to come down today and spend Christmas with me. I lost my godmother 4 months ago and I was definitely leaning on the promise of his company to make me emotionally okay. Well...i haven't heard from him since yesterday morning and he won't answer my call so I had to text him and tell him that I can't do this again. That I love him but I can't continue to break my own heart by sticking with him when he is still so fresh in recovery. It's been 4 months of active recovery minus his relapse a week ago, but before this he was in jail.

Please send positive vibes my way. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this holiday, especially now that the safety net I was (foolishly) depending on is gone.
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Old 12-25-2019, 09:23 AM
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Big hugs sent to you - the only words of “wisdom” I can give you are the same ones everyone has been giving to me (this is the first holiday without my long term AXB - and I miss him terribly and worry). Please be kind to yourself today, do things that relax you, eat things that you love, and do whatever you feel like, even if that is just watching bad tv or sleeping. Personally, I’m pretty much just treating today like any other day. Although I miss my ex, I also found out in the end that he was not the person I thought he was/not reliable, and the one comfort I have is telling myself that although it’s painful now, I’m probably being saved from a lot more pain in the future. I’m very sorry for your loss 4 months ago as well, it’s all just incredibly hard this time of year especially.
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Old 12-25-2019, 10:12 AM
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hi Meghan19, well!

So I went back and read some of your older threads. From what I can piece together you've been in an on again off again relationship with him for 4 years and in that time he has been in jail around 20 months? So almost half of the relationship he has been in jail.

Guns, violence, cocaine, cheating on you, drinking, lying, stealing, using your house as a party house while you were away for a couple of days.

etc.

As someone else mentioned in one of your other threads, he is not two people, he is not an addict and a "better" person, he is 1 person, which includes being an addict.

His choices are horribly poor, he also has no problem dragging you along for the ride.

You have mentioned that he is a good guy basically and that he doesn't want to be an addict. Well he has a choice to make then, which doesn't involve you at all.

You've broken up with him now, how about really getting behind that and finding a happy and contented life for yourself? Do you really need a drug addict that cheats and plays with guns in your life?

I hope you break free of him, as the saying goes here, let go or be dragged. Don't let him drag you around anymore?
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Old 12-25-2019, 10:39 AM
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so i want to say this gently, but will likely fail.
what is the attraction you have to him that every time he gets out of jail or prison you are right back in it again?

2015: When we met- he was 19 and living a fast life on the streets dealing drugs and partying. He then got arrested and went to
prison for a couple years and when he came home we reconnected.

8/2018: He called me from outside jail yesterday
9/2018: Well...he is back in jail.

2019: but a few months back he reached out and had come out of jail,
I went through his phone and found out he relapsed and also has been selling drugs. It's been 4 months of active recovery minus his relapse a week ago, but before this he was in jail.

there is a saying - water seeks it's own level. when he is not out on the streets, ripping and running, he's back in jail OR prison. as it is he's back to using AND selling drugs. these are his ACTIONS.

so i ask you....what IS the attraction here?
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Old 12-25-2019, 10:56 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
so i want to say this gently, but will likely fail.
what is the attraction you have to him that every time he gets out of jail or prison you are right back in it again?

2015: When we met- he was 19 and living a fast life on the streets dealing drugs and partying. He then got arrested and went to
prison for a couple years and when he came home we reconnected.

8/2018: He called me from outside jail yesterday
9/2018: Well...he is back in jail.

2019: but a few months back he reached out and had come out of jail,
I went through his phone and found out he relapsed and also has been selling drugs. It's been 4 months of active recovery minus his relapse a week ago, but before this he was in jail.

there is a saying - water seeks it's own level. when he is not out on the streets, ripping and running, he's back in jail OR prison. as it is he's back to using AND selling drugs. these are his ACTIONS.

so i ask you....what IS the attraction here?
That is a great question. I'm just hung up on the few months out of all this that he has been good. Doing well. Plus there is love and an intense physical attraction but I know how ass backwards it is- that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.
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Old 12-25-2019, 10:59 AM
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Block him and leave it there. Won't he just continue to hurt you?
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Old 12-25-2019, 11:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Meghan19 View Post
I know how ass backwards it is- that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.
Yes it still hurts. The only way through that hurt is going through it and time. Every time he treats you like this you get hurt all over again and have to start healing again, then he will show up (maybe after jail again).

If he doesn't change this is not going to end well for him.

Do you want to be part of that? You know this relationship is going exactly nowhere longer term. There will be no marriage and children and white picket fence?

This is truly a time waste for you. You could be in a relationship with a great guy who shows you respect and kindness.

The current ex may have some good attributes, however, he has shown you (many times) that he has a major deficit of character and integrity.

So yes, you may be better off without him and no that doesn't stop it hurting.

I have a couple of suggestions for you.

Write a list of every terrible and mean thing he has ever done to you. Why? Because the mind doesn't really favour dwelling on negatives, so you have to remind yourself.

Start taking care of yourself, decide what you want to do with your life and go with that, whether that is a move, a career path, a hobby or learning to ride a horse!
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Old 12-25-2019, 11:56 AM
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It's mostly irritating as hell because I already went through this 18 months ago and I moved and got a new job and have been happy but then I just let him back in after all that thinking I had a newfound control over the situation. A new boundary around my heart but...how foolish of me. I'm back to being sad over this hole. Doesn't help that I'm 27 and single and all the men around me are not eligible. Not saying this guy is either, clearly, but it is so easy to fall back into it with him.
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Old 12-25-2019, 12:44 PM
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Meghan.....have you ever thought of changing your environment to a more target-rich one? Where the men are stable and not addicted (in general)…..It is a big world, you know....
****I will hasten to say that I am not pushing the "geographic cure" for all of life's problems...but, sometimes, I do think that the environment does make a difference.....
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Old 12-25-2019, 12:51 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Meghan.....have you ever thought of changing your environment to a more target-rich one? Where the men are stable and not addicted (in general)…..It is a big world, you know....
****I will hasten to say that I am not pushing the "geographic cure" for all of life's problems...but, sometimes, I do think that the environment does make a difference.....
Yes, I did. I moved over a year ago.
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Old 12-25-2019, 04:30 PM
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Doesn't help that I'm 27 and single and all the men around me are not eligible.

and in your mind, what is WRONG with being 27 and single?
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Old 12-25-2019, 04:42 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
Doesn't help that I'm 27 and single and all the men around me are not eligible.

and in your mind, what is WRONG with being 27 and single?
the world is your oyster!!!!!!!!
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Old 12-25-2019, 04:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Wombaticus View Post
the world is your oyster!!!!!!!!
haha this is very true! And I do love being single. It's just one of those societal pressures that come crashing down on me from time to time. Especially when I am already down.
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Old 12-25-2019, 04:58 PM
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sorry, but for some reason i flashed back to a scene from When Harry Met Sally.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZKua4aZKcg

S - but i'm going to be 40!
H -when?
S - someday!
H - in 8 years!
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Old 12-26-2019, 04:12 AM
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I also went back & read some of your previous threads. While reading them I thought you should be re-reading your own threads. As is the same for me, your past threads aint pretty.

When is enough going to be enough for you? I understand deep emotional & physical bonds - I had the same. But where does this all end for you (not him).

Do you need to end up in jail along with him for a year or two? He's a drug addict & dealing drugs. Over the years, hes been in jail numerous times so obviously he aint the sharpest tool in the shed. When does your luck run out. I am very serious & hope you consider the possible numerous heavy duty consequences of being with this guy.

Get whatever help you need to get past this guy. You've been through enough of his mess. I don't think your story with him will have a happy ending.

Please take care.

PS everything I said to you above ive considered for myself & my situation. Just insert the word she for he.
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