Feeling very sad tonight...do you ever worry about your XA?
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Feeling very sad tonight...do you ever worry about your XA?
He broke up with me, but I suspect it’s because he wasn’t in a good place. I still love him very much and know that the holidays always seemed particularly hard for him, though I always did my best to keep them cheery. My pride is keeping me from reaching out, but how do I stop worrying about him and how he’s doing? Every once in a while I’ll just stop and start crying because I worry. I know this is stupid, but it’s hard to just sever ties (like he did). It’s been a very melancholy season for me.
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I’m so sorry...sometimes holiday seasons just come at the worst times. I vividly remember a Thanksgiving weekend right after a breakup with the supposed love of my life and how miserable it was, and that was something like thirty years ago.
The fact is that if I had gotten back together with him, literally everything good that has happened to me since would not have happened . And in many ways, I’ve had a wonderful life.
So will you. Maybe try to think of this as one of those karma down payments we make in life?
Sending you hope and a hug.
The fact is that if I had gotten back together with him, literally everything good that has happened to me since would not have happened . And in many ways, I’ve had a wonderful life.
So will you. Maybe try to think of this as one of those karma down payments we make in life?
Sending you hope and a hug.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Hi Abandoned, sorry you are feeling sad.
I get it. My first suggestion is for you. Holidays can be BIG triggers for missing someone, so as much as you can, when you start to have those thoughts, steer away to something else. Meditate, journal, watch TV or a movie, sing, dance ridiculously around the kitchen.
It's too easy for us to slip in to that melancholy mindset and it's not worth it because it doesn't help us and it doesn't help them. I'm all for feeling your feelings, but in this instance, it's a commercialized holiday triggering those feelings!
As for worrying about him. For all you know he is sitting at home drinking right now, watching football highlights (or whatever he watches). My point is, don't picture him wishing he had an xmas tree, how he <enter the reason for his xmas sadness here>. You don't know that. At least that is my reasoning when I go down that thought road.
All that said it IS hard, I struggle with it too so I know exactly what you mean. There are people I love that I would like to contact and see how they are doing but they have chosen to be - not contacted, or very minimal contact and I wouldn't be comfortable contacting them because I can't be sure of the reception (depends on the mood) and I don't want to put myself out there for my feelings to be trampled on (again).
I get it. My first suggestion is for you. Holidays can be BIG triggers for missing someone, so as much as you can, when you start to have those thoughts, steer away to something else. Meditate, journal, watch TV or a movie, sing, dance ridiculously around the kitchen.
It's too easy for us to slip in to that melancholy mindset and it's not worth it because it doesn't help us and it doesn't help them. I'm all for feeling your feelings, but in this instance, it's a commercialized holiday triggering those feelings!
As for worrying about him. For all you know he is sitting at home drinking right now, watching football highlights (or whatever he watches). My point is, don't picture him wishing he had an xmas tree, how he <enter the reason for his xmas sadness here>. You don't know that. At least that is my reasoning when I go down that thought road.
All that said it IS hard, I struggle with it too so I know exactly what you mean. There are people I love that I would like to contact and see how they are doing but they have chosen to be - not contacted, or very minimal contact and I wouldn't be comfortable contacting them because I can't be sure of the reception (depends on the mood) and I don't want to put myself out there for my feelings to be trampled on (again).
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Join Date: Oct 2019
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I really feel you.
This is my first Christmas without my AXGF. I had to put up the tree and decorate by myself. I had to brush aside her stocking and ornaments. My son asked me when she was coming for Christmas.
Trust me, you don’t want to know how he’s doing. If he’s doing good, you may feel bitter that you can’t share in that with him. If he’s doing badly, you may feel guilty or responsible in some way.
It’ll get better with time, but very slowly. What helped me was to accept that the person I loved no longer existed. I mourned for that person and our relationship. I’m still struggling with it, but the days are getting better.
I wish you well.
This is my first Christmas without my AXGF. I had to put up the tree and decorate by myself. I had to brush aside her stocking and ornaments. My son asked me when she was coming for Christmas.
Trust me, you don’t want to know how he’s doing. If he’s doing good, you may feel bitter that you can’t share in that with him. If he’s doing badly, you may feel guilty or responsible in some way.
It’ll get better with time, but very slowly. What helped me was to accept that the person I loved no longer existed. I mourned for that person and our relationship. I’m still struggling with it, but the days are getting better.
I wish you well.
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Thank you all! It helps me so much to come here and talk to others who understand. For sure this all happening right before the holidays has magnified it - I hate that I’m letting all the lovey commercials/songs etc. of the season throw me into melancholy. In truth, I can’t wait until the holidays are over and things return to some normalcy. 
It’s true that I can never reach out again as I don’t want to put myself out there to be hurt (more than I already have) any more. It’s so bizarre to feel afraid to contact someone who it was always second nature to reach out to everyday and who you considered one of the closest people to you. Even a month later I will see something or have news that I’d so love to share with him, but can’t. It’s so hard.
It’s true that I can never reach out again as I don’t want to put myself out there to be hurt (more than I already have) any more. It’s so bizarre to feel afraid to contact someone who it was always second nature to reach out to everyday and who you considered one of the closest people to you. Even a month later I will see something or have news that I’d so love to share with him, but can’t. It’s so hard. Member
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Yes, that's exactly the way it is.
Less than a week and a half from now xmas will be done for the year and it will be 2020, NY will have begun!
Yes, it is very weird, I totally agree. You are basically so close to someone, sharing things you see, food, weather, shows, discussion, outings then "poof" it's all gone overnight, out of the blue.
It sucks for sure. For what it's worth what you are feeling is very normal. Struggling with trying not to contact him, feeling sad, worrying about him. It does get better but it is slow and even though sometimes you feel like you are not moving forward, you are really, healing slowly, things that hurt you now, like a song at the grocery store, will slowly be tuned out, or just not hurt.
Hard to believe, I know.
The better you feel about yourself, the better you will feel in general and it will help you heal from this too (hence the taking care of yourself).
Less than a week and a half from now xmas will be done for the year and it will be 2020, NY will have begun!
Yes, it is very weird, I totally agree. You are basically so close to someone, sharing things you see, food, weather, shows, discussion, outings then "poof" it's all gone overnight, out of the blue.
It sucks for sure. For what it's worth what you are feeling is very normal. Struggling with trying not to contact him, feeling sad, worrying about him. It does get better but it is slow and even though sometimes you feel like you are not moving forward, you are really, healing slowly, things that hurt you now, like a song at the grocery store, will slowly be tuned out, or just not hurt.
Hard to believe, I know.
The better you feel about yourself, the better you will feel in general and it will help you heal from this too (hence the taking care of yourself).
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That’s so spot on Trailmix. I even feel weird watching shows we used to watch together - and so many songs remind me of him (one of our favorite things to do was go to concerts) - I have been listening to only classical music! I can’t wait for the day when literally pretty much everything doesn’t remind me of him.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
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Hi Abandonded, I’m going through the exact same thing... really struggling. I ended it with my xabf but I know I cannot contact him! I also worry that he is turning really dark and depressed and drinking more and not taking care of himself now that he really knows we are done. But I miss him so much. It’s like it comes in waves. For a little while I was feeling good having this behind me and not crying much and now everything is reminding me of him. Especially the songs. We also loved to go to concerts together. I’m at my parents’ house now and I think being here for whatever reason is making it harder. A song from a band we saw in concert came on the radio while my dad was driving and I had to try really hard to keep the tears back. I guess it’s harder here because I wish he could be a healthy man who I would bring home for the holiday. I’m looking forward to the new year to be here and to move forward... I’m having trouble imagining that I’ll meet someone who felt that close and special to me...
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Bluelight44 - exactly...I’ll just be going about my day and it just hits me like a ton of bricks that in all likelihood I will never see or talk to him again. We shared so much that everything right now seems to be a trigger - I avoided even putting up a tree this year so I wouldn’t be reminded of us doing that together last year, and the ornaments we got together, waking up and opening our presents to each other, etc. Just the thought of it now hurts my heart. I also often wished he would have been the type to be happy to spend the holiday with my family - he was the first year we were together, and then after that it seemed more and more a chore for him (despite my family really embracing him) I try to keep this sort of thing in mind when I start to feel too sad.
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Its best not to let your mind dwell in painful places. I am not saying to bury the pain. But you need to change that thought process to anything else before you start to dwell. Change the channel in your mind. Bad things happen in our minds when we dwell in dark places.
It helped me just to go outside. Breath fresh air. Look at the sky.
Don't watch shows or movies which are painful. Don't listen to painful music. The holidays are very hard. Its normal for you to feel that way. They will be over with soon. You will live through them as have I. Holiday related stress will pass.
Leave him in gods hands. You worrying over him isn't going to make a bit a difference except to further damage yourself. God knows what's best for him.
Don't contact him leave him be. Been there done that & it doesn't go well. Get on with your life & take care of yourself..
It helped me just to go outside. Breath fresh air. Look at the sky.
Don't watch shows or movies which are painful. Don't listen to painful music. The holidays are very hard. Its normal for you to feel that way. They will be over with soon. You will live through them as have I. Holiday related stress will pass.
Leave him in gods hands. You worrying over him isn't going to make a bit a difference except to further damage yourself. God knows what's best for him.
Don't contact him leave him be. Been there done that & it doesn't go well. Get on with your life & take care of yourself..
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Thank you HardLessons. I have been sending a prayer up for him everyday - it’s all I can do and I guess that needs to be enough. It’s kind of just counterintuitive to my nature (a fixer), but I’m slowly learning.
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When I find myself missing my ex and worrying about him and what he might be up to I do a visualisation of him sitting safe and warm at home, relaxing in front of the fire with a hot chocolate listening to some music.
then I think "hey why don't I do that!!!"
then I think "hey why don't I do that!!!"
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Join Date: May 2019
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My x told me how everyone has the right to make up their own mind and have their own choices, no matter how illogical they might seem. So I figured, he is right. Some people have to go through hell to learn something. And its legit.
Therefore, I am not worried about him anymore. He has the right to learn in his own way. But we also have the right not to be a part of such particular type of learning.
Therefore, I am not worried about him anymore. He has the right to learn in his own way. But we also have the right not to be a part of such particular type of learning.
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Abandoned, it's only been a month. It's going to take time, and time takes time. A while ago, I opened a book and saw something that I think is the most useful thing I've ever read on "time takes time." I think you might get something out of it, too. Link here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...akes-time.html (A riff on "time takes time")
And I'd like to expand on dandy's comment about how the practice of wearing black for a year after a significant loss was perhaps a good one. We've discussed how there's something about closing the circle of a year that truly does make a difference. I posted a little bit about that on this thread (2nd post):
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...teep-hill.html (Walking up a very steep hill)
Have you ever seen a poem called "The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer? I'll post a few lines here:
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it...
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
Link to the whole poem here: Poetry - Oriah Mountain Dreamer - The Invitation - It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
It will all take time. Ending any relationship, let alone one as entwined and intense as many of us have had w/our A's, isn't like removing a splinter, where once the source of pain is taken away, the relief and healing is immediate. It feels more like an amputation, where we need to learn to live w/o a hand or an eye. But please believe me, the day will come where you'll realize that the hand was only tied behind your back, not cut off; the eye was only covered, not blinded. They are still there, they are still yours, and they will still help you to both see and create a new life for yourself.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...akes-time.html (A riff on "time takes time")
And I'd like to expand on dandy's comment about how the practice of wearing black for a year after a significant loss was perhaps a good one. We've discussed how there's something about closing the circle of a year that truly does make a difference. I posted a little bit about that on this thread (2nd post):
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...teep-hill.html (Walking up a very steep hill)
Have you ever seen a poem called "The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer? I'll post a few lines here:
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it...
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
Link to the whole poem here: Poetry - Oriah Mountain Dreamer - The Invitation - It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
It will all take time. Ending any relationship, let alone one as entwined and intense as many of us have had w/our A's, isn't like removing a splinter, where once the source of pain is taken away, the relief and healing is immediate. It feels more like an amputation, where we need to learn to live w/o a hand or an eye. But please believe me, the day will come where you'll realize that the hand was only tied behind your back, not cut off; the eye was only covered, not blinded. They are still there, they are still yours, and they will still help you to both see and create a new life for yourself.
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Thank you honeypig - that is actually quite beautiful and rings very true to me right now. Thank you for sharing.
All - thanks for your words of comfort. It really does help to know others have gone through this and come out the other side - if it takes a year it takes a year, but I have to be good to myself in the meantime and try not to dwell. It does help to picture him happy or just going about normal things - and I need to want that for myself too.
All - thanks for your words of comfort. It really does help to know others have gone through this and come out the other side - if it takes a year it takes a year, but I have to be good to myself in the meantime and try not to dwell. It does help to picture him happy or just going about normal things - and I need to want that for myself too.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Just wanted to let you know I’ve been there too. Currently I have some people who are still here who I had to go no contact with for my own sanity, some have passed. But grieving the loss of relationships certainly has its ups and downs, and can be very painful at times. I’ll leave this here for you, it’s a visual of different things you can try, and the pros and cons of each:
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What I've found to be the best remedy in focusing on me and my loss is to help someone else........doing service is a great antidote, especially at this time of the year. Any local charities you can explore? Big hug!
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That is indeed a great graphic, thank you for sharing!
I do think it it would be good to get my mind off of myself - I will look into some volunteer activities. I have done a few children holiday donations, and going out shopping for that stuff - knowing it would be going to a kid on Christmas, did help me feel better
I do think it it would be good to get my mind off of myself - I will look into some volunteer activities. I have done a few children holiday donations, and going out shopping for that stuff - knowing it would be going to a kid on Christmas, did help me feel better
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