Milano58

I think for the nano second a thought/lie crosses their mind it does... Or rather it has to. They need to believe almost as much as they need to drink. Deep down, maybe at a subconscious level they know they're hurting themselves, others etc. Deep down there must be some degree of self preservation. I guess it depends on how bad the addiction is, how damaged, programmed their receptors are.

Things make 'sense' to them from the limited addicted perception. In the same way their lies make no sense to us from our limited no addicted perception.

Either way.. Its insanity, build a wall.

August252015

I'll gently add to this that the lying to your husband is a concern for me. When I want to omit something big to my husband, it is never the right thing to do. I hope you choose to sever your ties emotionally, and gain the distance YOU need to be free of this burden. Best to you.

FionnaPerSe

I know this might sound harsh now, but i believe it would be much more beneficial to focus on where you ARE and who you are with- meaning, your H and your family, and 100 percent too (IF you want your marriage to work out, that is), and not on your AXbf, who you have indeed probably over-romanticised, because real everyday life is always tougher than someone who actually isn't really 'there' for us, but we can only IMAGINE how it would be if we were this 'amazing couple' because we 'know' each other for years etc. etc.

But how well do you actually know him? Did you ever actually live with him for awhile or at least were in a serious relationship with? Im asking because in such case, you would probably know how ALL of us here, who were actually THERE, fully committed with our X, and gave our heart and soul to make it work on everyday basis, still couldn't. And mutual love wasn't even in question, as we got told how we were deeply and fully loved, we got asked to be married to them etc. etc.

So, Im sure no one is more 'special' here than anyone in that sense. And the ONLY person you really know and will ever really know is the one you actually engage with on a regular basis, and are actually putting your real time, life and energy into building something stable with. All of the other things are just delusions in my opinion, and due to probably ones own needs to escape life to a certain degree. Sorry to be so blunt, but im telling you all this in a friendly manner, of course.

Besides, in all honesty, would you be OK with your husband cherishing any such feelings and secret wishes for one of his exes (even if they dont think to act upon it)!? And do you think this would actually help your own relationship, or whats more likely, caused it to be lesser in quality because of your thoughts not being fully present in the PRESENT, but scattered/directed elsewhere instead!?

And while it is indeed admirable that you care about your friend, I think you would show you care even more so if you show him (by your own example) how to be responsible for you own lifes choices and responsibilities. He needs to GROW UP and face his own failures by himself if he wants to ever face his addiction head on, and not rely on anyone to be that 'one' for them that would make it all magically disappear. Whatever that ONE might mean.
For me, ONE is the one who makes an EFFORT to be there for someone, and not just complain how life is unfair and 'if they only have someone or something else or some meaning to give up their addictions blah blah'.

Anyway, I wish you truly well, and to think about what you put on the risk here. If I were you, I would appreciate my husband and my family, and give my best to be there for them. Not everyone here is lucky to have people who actually stand behind their words and actions, and are willing to put in the actual work into sustaining their families. Just saying!

NYCDoglvr

I've been sober and in recovery for 28 years and have never heard someone say they stopped drinking because of someone else. Instead of trying to figure out how someone else's mind works it's much better to keep the focus on yourself. Alanon can be a lifesaver, at least it was for me.

Seren

My first marriage was not a particularly good one to say the least. I absolutely had to work on myself, my patterns of choosing men to be with, my self-esteem. I had to be whole and happy with myself--love myself--before I could truly love any man. I did just that, and found a beautiful man to whom I was married for 6 years before he passed.

I can't answer for you why you have allowed this obsession with your ex to continue. You ask whether the lies and deceit make sense to an alcoholic's mind. Said as gently as possible, and truly without judgement: do the lies and deceit you tell your husband make sense to you? You see, alcoholism and codependent behaviors, when they happen to come together, are often two sides of the same coin.

I worry about you because I can't begin to imagine how exhausted you must be dealing with all of this. I hope you will seek out the help you need in whatever form will be best for you. Please do take good care.

Izz4u

PuzzledHeart

Everybody thinks about exes once in a while. It's a very human thing to do. However, when an ex starts consuming your mental energy it is a very huge signal that something in your life is amiss.

I find that when my mind starts approaching this line I do two things.

1) First and foremost, I tell my husband. It's scary and sickening to do it, but honestly in my experience it's the most effective way of sucking any allure and relish out of the whole ordeal. You take away the secrecy, you take away the thrill, and what's left for you?

This drama is probably filling a hole in your life, a level of excitement that you want very very much. Your mind is suffering its own addiction, but instead of drinking and snorting, you're indulging in past memories and hazy possibilities in search of that "kick". And just like an addict, memories and possibilities soon won't be enough to get you that thrill you need, and you'll start seeking contact. Maybe it's the emails, then the texts, and now you're determined to fix your ex. Each step, each contact, becomes a step further down that slippery slope.

2) The second thing I'll suggest to you may even sound crazier than the first, but here goes nothing. You need to make the memories as boring as possible. Like snoozers. Like the TV Movie of the Week that you watch because nothing else is on. Because rest assured, if you do continue to indulge in this fantasy that you can Make This Man Whole Again, you are participating in your own cliche that only serves to be gossip fodder for the PTA. IF you sit with the discomfort and the boredom, the memories and the interactions with your ex can become limp rags that no longer thrill. And as sad as that sounds, that is _exactly_ what you want, because you want your heart and soul to be fully committed to your family, not some fantasy that will do you no good. Dedicate that mental energy to your own life, to making your own life better, and you will be much better off and content.

I suggest that you go lurk in a forum dedicated to infidelity, like Surviving Infidelity, and you will read hundreds of stories of spouses on both sides of the fence. The hurt is incredible, and on the Wayward Spouse side there are so many people who want nothing more than to have "boring" staid lives after nuking their marriages.

I understand the urge to understand your ex - I did the same thing when I tried to comprehend why my own sister - why she took drugs and why she participated in her own affair. What you'll find is that those "habits" have a LOT in common and may help you examine your own behavior. However, your search for understanding will NOT make your ex any better, and the sooner you let go those expectations the better off you'll be.

PS. It goes without saying that I think it's a very good idea to go NC with this guy. He will be sad. You will be sad. But who is more important, this guy or your husband?

Izz4u