Questions to ask yourself

Old 12-21-2019, 09:31 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,726
Me: you have no idea how much your drinking affects me
AH: yea, you’re crazy. Something is wrong with you.
What an awful thing to say! That tells you right there that he has no plans and no desire to change a thing! It's all your problem and your fault. I hope you realize that's not true.
suki44883 is offline  
Old 12-21-2019, 10:00 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 40
I’m just gonna say, I just scared the crap out of my sleeping dog by yelling, “EXACTLY!” at your posts.
Your AH has said, word for word VERBATIM, what mine said to be. “You’re crazy. Something is wrong with you.” My AH also went on to inform me that “grown adults drink all the time and no one has a problem with it”, and “you are literally the only person I know who hates alcohol.”

And every time he would act ‘normal’, ie not drinking, spending time with me and kiddo, I would think to myself - “this is our ‘real’ life, this is why I’m staying. If it can be like this, we can make it work.” And every time he drank I was completely devastated. Over and over again. Each time, I thought if I could just use the right words, at the right time, in exactly the right tone of voice, that he would “get it”. And he would give me just enough of a response to keep me trying, over and over again.

Now, we have been separated for five months. The first two months was complete agony and I cried more than I think I’ve ever cried in my life. But with that distance, I finally realized that no matter what I said to him, or how I said it, AH and I are on two completely different paths and we no longer want the same things. It is still breaking my heart to let myself really feel this and accept it; this is the man I had chosen to spend the rest of my life with. He is the father of my child. We became new parents together, we laughed together, and grieved together. I will always love him, and I think he will always love me.. but the life I thought we had together is done. No matter what kind of relationship we had in the past, we do not have it anymore.

That history is also what kept me second guessing myself when he would tell me I was crazy. Or that the problem was me. For YEARS, I was able to trust him and his assessments. We were a good team and worked together. So when his alcoholism really started to take hold it was very insidious. I still trusted him to give me sound feedback, with my best interests in mind, because he always had before. It was a long and painful process to realize I could no longer do that. It also took me a long time to realize it wasn’t necessarily malicious on his part - his brain chemistry has literally changed and he is no longer the person I married. As much as it hurts right now to say this, at this point he no longer has my best interests (or kiddo’s) in mind. It is up to me, and me alone, to look out for myself and kiddo.

I didn’t mean to write a book or hijack your post.. and I don’t mean to imply that your situation would be exactly like mine. But our situations have so closely mirrored each other’s that I wanted to share with you some of my experiences, from a few steps further down the road. Please, please know that I am here anytime and that you are NOT crazy. I am here rooting for you, girl
saudade8277 is offline  
Old 12-21-2019, 10:26 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
 
honeypig's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,478
That history is also what kept me second guessing myself when he would tell me I was crazy. Or that the problem was me. For YEARS, I was able to trust him and his assessments. We were a good team and worked together. So when his alcoholism really started to take hold it was very insidious. I still trusted him to give me sound feedback, with my best interests in mind, because he always had before. It was a long and painful process to realize I could no longer do that. It also took me a long time to realize it wasn’t necessarily malicious on his part - his brain chemistry has literally changed and he is no longer the person I married.
saudade, thanks for your powerful post. This part in particular is so very true.
honeypig is offline  
Old 12-21-2019, 10:28 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FWN...….those words that he spoke to you screams----No respect, for you; no caring for your needs; not hearing you---all indicating that you do not matter, to him.
Love is not supposed to degrade you...love is not supposed to DELIBERATELY hurt you.....
The next time he says "I love you"....you have absolutely no evidence of that---because his actions speak to the contrary.....so loudly to the contrary.....
dandylion is offline  
Old 12-21-2019, 10:48 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,565
Originally Posted by fortworthnative View Post
[left]Me: you have no idea how much your drinking affects me
AH: yea, you’re crazy. Something is wrong with you.
Don't suppose he paused to consider how it affects you? No, because he is defending alcohol, not considering you.

Also - he insults you and you take it on yourself instead of being rather outraged that he would say that to you?
trailmix is offline  
Old 12-21-2019, 08:40 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
FWN, when he comes out with these gems (which show he isn't serious about recovery at all), it might help to say to yourself QUACK, QUACK, QUACK, instead of - arguing - reasoning - taking it as a serious comment.

Reading the Quackers thread for a few moments is very therapeutic.
FeelingGreat is offline  
Old 12-22-2019, 05:38 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Member
 
SmallButMighty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by fortworthnative View Post
Possibly a really stupid question, but do you think the majority of married people can honestly answer these questions with positive answers? What is reasonable? I assume that these things that he is saying to me most people would say or not say it to them by their spouses.
I assume you mean the questions you quoted from Tally's original 2011 post (?)

I don't think people in healthy relationships would have to ask themselves most of those questions.

I could have applied all those questions to my AXH and that marriage ... however, I am remarried now and half of them don't in any way fit into an actual question about my current husband. The ones that do apply all have positive answers. The difference is that I am no longer married to an alcoholic, so this relationship is far healthier.

That crappy feeling in the pit of your stomach is your instincts talking to you, I hope you are listening to them.

My AXH used to say the same kinds of things to me that your is currently saying to you. In some ways he was right.... because his alcoholism and my codependence were actually driving me "crazy". All that noise in my head, some put there by him, and then the circular conversations my brain would have with it's self around all that crap was definitely crazy making. He wanted to keep me off balance. I let him get away with it for far too long. He was disrespecting me, but so was I. I deserved better treatment, from both of us.

No one should ever be told their feelings are wrong. You feel what you feel, period. Don't doubt yourself. Your husband is an alcoholic trying to protect his disease. He was willing to jeopardize your son's life, so ruining your self esteem isn't exactly beyond the lengths he will go to.

I hope you get to enjoy some peace and quiet when you take your get away. Let all that noise in your head die down so that you can listen to your instincts on this.

Hang in there, I know how hard this is. Deep breaths, lots and lots of deep breaths.
SmallButMighty is offline  
Old 12-22-2019, 12:48 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
The similarities between stories on here never ceases to amaze me. Your husband's tactics sound identical to my exes, and they were my kryptonite. He convinced me I was the crazy one; I was the selfish one; I would never make it without him.

Perhaps someone has already pointed this out, but just like addicts have a rock bottom, so do we. My rock bottom was when my ABXF started endangering our newborn child. Hurt himself? Fine. Make my life miserable? Whatever, I can handle it. Raise my child around his toxic BS? Now way, Jose.

My heart goes out to you, especially how devastated the idea of leaving seems to make you feel. I remember feeling that way. Truthfully, I was ready to leave when I was ready to leave. You will know when/if you're ready. One thing that can help you figure it all out is to stay focused on you.
SaveHer is offline  
Old 12-22-2019, 01:33 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,565
I have been thinking about these questions as you asked, could people generally answer in the affirmative? These would have been my two answers, generally, during both marriages.

“Ask yourself these questions.

What do you love about your husband as he is NOW?

I could have listed a lot for both.

Are you happy? I don't mean walking around every day with a big smile on your face...because that hardly ever happens...but just in general, in the pit of your stomach, are you happy and content?

Yes and no.

Do you think he will change?

Never. I don't expect people to change.

Are you in love with what he could be or what he once was?

No, never.

What makes you feel as though this is all your worth? Why do you accept his behaviour?

This doesn't really apply except to my first marriage. Apparently I didn't accept it since I divorced him.
trailmix is offline  
Old 12-22-2019, 10:42 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
 
Zevin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
FWN said, "He tells me pretty regularly that even if he fixes this problem and stops drinking, that I will find something else about him that I don’t like."

HOW WOULD HE KNOW?? He hasn't ever stopped alcoholically drinking!
Please do not let him deflect the conversation to "poor me, I've tried so hard" and "you are just trying to control me, blahblahblah."

You know he is an alcoholic. He can NOT moderate his drinking and NEVER will be able to do so. Until he admits this to himself and does something about it, you and your kids are stuck in a tornado.

My heart breaks for you because you must be absolutely exhausted, mentally and physically. You've gone above and beyond trying to fix this for him.
But this is HIS fight now----he has all the resources to win it if he really wants. You must put your children and your self first now.
Zevin is offline  
Old 12-23-2019, 08:41 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
I'm alcoholic and been sober 6 years.

My wife is a total control freak and yes, after her main focus and source of complaint being my drinking, she has of course found new sources of complaint. Which I knew would happen 😏

Luckily it's not me that cops it much anymore.

​​​
Derringer is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:32 PM.