Didn't think I would need a second opinion so soon

Old 12-19-2019, 11:43 PM
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Didn't think I would need a second opinion so soon

I went on fakebook at the urging of my sis and 2 cousins to see what my daughter posted. I have been staying away from fb since my dtr friended me, but I went there today.

She posted pics and entitled it, "Me and my parents". It was my ex, his gf, my dtr, my grandchildren, and I guess dtr's new bf.

So I walked around the block, then walked around the block some more, then watched a comedy, then went back to fb, and I commented on the pic. I commented "Terrific pic of you and your parents. Merry Christmas"

This is my Drama Queen dtr, the one that she has my grandchildren call her new live in bf, DAD.

I did go back to fb and deleted my comment after about 3 hrs, because I felt that might be too passive aggressive.

All my relatives and family saw this. She had contacted me a few months ago to get back into my family, she had alienated all of them. Not one of my family gave her a "like" on her post.

I'm still here debating if I should have not deleted my comment, and that she might get a message from it, or if my comment was truly passive aggressive.

Thanks for even reading the ramblings from me.
((((((((hugs))))))))
amy
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Old 12-20-2019, 12:53 AM
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For what it’s worth, I think it’s good that you deleted your comment. I’ve made it a point to never again look at my ex’s page or try to see what he’s doing in any way, as I know it will lead to nothing but angst for me. I’ve actually made it a point to stay off of there just generally since he broke up with me, since I made the mistake of posting so many pics and good times we shared, and I honestly don’t miss it at all and realized it was a huge time suck. Please remember that Facebook is in no way reflective of people’s actual lives, and is a very superficial depiction. The best thing you can do is just not participate.
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Old 12-20-2019, 03:31 AM
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Agreed--you did the right thing deleting it. And you are also right to avoid FB. Or at least block the posts of people that post things that might upset you.
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Old 12-20-2019, 03:36 AM
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Fakebook is the same term I use lol
Looks & sounds like she was baiting you and possibly others
Been there, done that....
And yes, do not take the bait. Some people thrive off of knowing they got a rise out of you.
It must hurt, as it’s your daughter (I have 2 myself) I do hope your relationship can be mended someday.

You can suspend your account temporarily too or delete it
(I know, you shouldn’t have too) but...maybe you need to for your best interest

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Old 12-20-2019, 04:05 AM
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I was in my car driving yesterday and mindlessly thinking of how less stressful life has been since I have not been on fb... but for some reason the my brain called it facestuck then stuckbook. That is what it truly is for me at times.
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Old 12-20-2019, 04:15 AM
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amy…...My first thought is that your sister and cousins stirred the pot, first, by urging you to look at your daughters post....when you were trying to avoid it....
And, if I may be so bold as to offer another of my impressions/observations.....it looks, to me, from my outside perch (high on the mountain top)….that your extended family may have rigid family boundaries--as opposed to "too loose" family boundaries.....possibly, "hawkeyeing" each other...monitoring the actions of each other....very, very closely---And....as a result....making hard and fast assumptions about each other's motivations. Sooo many judgements and hurt feelings swirling around.....all bouncing off of each other.
It must make it very hard to feel "safe" and not "judged", most all of the time....

My second thought, on the subject of your daughter's post is this----What is your FEELING about it? I imagine that it is the raw hurt of feeling rejected, as a mother...? I am a mother, myself, and I know how sensitive the "mother buttons" can be...lol...
And, kids can be insensitive to this as they are much more involved in their own world at their own feet. Many a careless word can be spoken, by them.
Gosh...I often pray for forgiveness for my own carelessness to my caretakers, over the years! I wish I could have do-overs.
Amy....you know that your daughter has lots of her own issues, anger, etc....and, yet, not being an actual mind reader...you can never know whatever her true motivations were, at the moment that she was posted. It may, really, have nothing to do about you....
All you can be really sure of , is your own feelings and your own true motivations....
Amy....I think that your post and your deleting the post are both o.k., in the big picture....I don't think either action is going to shake the Universe....
Please don't let it eat at you...don't let this disrupt your inner peace....it is not worth it, in the overall....I know that when we have been emotionally "burned" by others, in the past, it becomes so easy for us to be nicked and cut by the millions of (potential) hurts from the world around us....
I think that the reality is that we all have to let a lot of *hit, in the course of living, just slide....in the interest of our own mental health and serenity.....
Lord knows---I have had to learn to do this in spades....otherwise, my extended family could have ground me down to a fine powder...lol...

Amy...these are just some of my thoughts...if I am off base...please just charge it all up to the prattle of an old woman....and, just let it slide....
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Old 12-20-2019, 04:39 AM
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Fun fact: Fakebook put me in fakebook jail for two days for writing that Princess Kate's hat looked like a saucepan lid.

My sister posted something that irritated me to the point that I took a Fakebook vacation by disabling my account, ( or whatever you do that doesn't delete it.) Sis and I don't agree on politics. I had intended for a one week vaca, but I stayed out for at least a month.

You were right to delete it, least said soonest mended is probably the way to go in cases like this.

It was petty, manipulative, and mean spirited of your sister and cousins to goad you into looking at something they knew would be hurtful. No amount of "well, you should know the truth" excuses this. None. I could go up to new parents and tell them, "You know, your baby is really homely" and it could be true. Telling them that is neither nice nor helpful.

A local news station used to have a tagline: news you can use. In my daily life, I sometimes consider whether the 'truth' on the tip of my tongue is useful to the audience at hand. Often it's not, and I shut up. You know this daughter is a drama-llama. Don't let your sister and 'friends' manipulate you into looking at this stuff.
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Old 12-20-2019, 06:33 AM
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Passive aggressive on your mad daughter's part, and then in return on your part. I say that with some amusement because I have a mother who could start a PA academy so I know it when I it. It's become a bit of a joke between my sisters and me as we try not to go the same way ourselves.
You were right to delete your response because everyone was trying to suck you in for whatever motive.
I wonder if the EX's GF felt a little frisson of terror at being described as your D's parent?
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Old 12-20-2019, 08:56 AM
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Thank you for the replies. I am happy now that I deleted that comment, only because my family would have seen it.

I don't think the title "parent" should be loosely thrown around. When she post that on fakebook all my relatives start to look for me in the photo. It confuses people and the phone calls are more like were you together with your ex at your daughters house?

I know she calls the gf "mom", she has since the day she met her. That doesn't bother me except for , don't do that on fakebook, or at least wait till they are married or I'm dead.

I also think it upsets me so much because since she left her ex, my grandsons have had about 4 or more "dads". To me, that is teaching my grandsons that family does not stay around, that they are always changing.

I need to block her because I can't delete fb. That is where my family post party info and private message me. It's also the vehicle I use to mediate child visitation for my dtr and her ex since he filed a Restraining Order on her.

I did send my dtr a text last night to please stop referring to her dad and gf as her parents on fb, that I feel hurt by it, and I received a scathing reply today.

Thank you
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Old 12-20-2019, 09:03 AM
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The stove, it is hot!

You know the adage about touching the burner. Well that is this. Your DD is going to do this, again and again and again. You know.

That you can't stop or change, you can only change your reaction.

I know how hard it is not to take this on board. Why is she saying that? Am I a bad Mother that she feels she has to bail and find a new one? Why would she say something so hurtful.

As you know, all is not right or ok with her, so this behaviour and lashing out will continue. You can choose not to look or at the very least, get some defenses up there.

It's ok to detach you know.
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Old 12-20-2019, 09:04 AM
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amy...good that yoiy told her that she hurt your feelings. I think it is good to be honest about your true feelings.
She sent you a "scathing reply".....I suggest that you just let that go...because you know that is her typical response, anyway.....the anger is her 'problem"....don't let it be yours.....
the anger will just eat you up.....

Maybe, take the dog for some more walks......lol.....
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Old 12-20-2019, 09:13 AM
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I don't even know what her reply was, I skimmed over it really fast. Just remember seeing that this gf is always there for her and that I'm not. There was a lot more in there though. Hey, perhaps she will block me and stop calling me again, I do better when that happens.
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Old 12-20-2019, 09:32 AM
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It's really hard to be there for someone when they won't speak to you, so I've found...

She doesn't want resolution, she just wants to lash out.

Just remember, this isn't about you (yes, I know that is really hard to do as a Mother), but it's true.
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Old 12-20-2019, 09:35 AM
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Honey. The only way to win is not to play, right?

Your daughter is addicted to drama and frankly, I’m side-eyeing your sister and cousins who suggested you look at that photo pretty hard. You’ve been doing so well...why go there?

By responding twice, you just affirmed to her that this a great way to kick up a nice, juicy fuss, yes? Yum, she loves that. So you can look forward to more of the same.

What she’s doing to her kids should be criminal, but sadly, it isn’t. IIRC, their actual father is pretty grounded, yes? At least they have him. And to the extent it’s possible to do without involving your toxic daughter in any way, implicitly and quietly let the kids know you’re there for them...birthday emails, online gift certificates, etc.

How about you block her?

Sending you a big fierce hug.
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Old 12-20-2019, 10:19 AM
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She threw out the bait and I bit it. In a way, I'm glad I did. I read the scathing text. I know where her mind is at. Last wk I told you that her ex filed an RO on her and he listed 4 people who could be allowed to pass messages to him from her. I was on that list. My dtr called me to contact her ex re: child visitation for her. I did. I also called her ex and told him that I was willing to do this but I am doing it for my grandchildren and that I had to be on a neutral ground. He agreed. I told my dtr the same thing.

In her reply she told me that the gf was on "team drama queen" (my dtr's team) and that I was on "team ex". So where a few wks ago she had placed me on a pedestal, she has now knocked me off, and I don't exist anymore.

The only people that exist in her world are people that are on "team drama queen". The ones that listen to her whine and cry, while she does nothing to better her life.

I did block her on fakebook.

Thank you
(((((hugs)))))
amy
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Old 12-20-2019, 10:19 AM
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please remember, your daughter is allowed to call others by any name or label that she chooses. she is allowed to post on social media. she is allowed to flounder her way thru her life as she sees fit.

your mission, if you chose to accept, is to let her be and keep your distance. just yesterday you had posted about being happy. now today your upset by a dumb facebook post. your daughter is not going to change. accept that and give her a wide berth. VERY WIDE. extricate yourself from her goings on. no good will come of it.
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Old 12-20-2019, 10:40 AM
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Thanks Anvil, I just did that. I really wanted to keep the peace, for my mothers sake (she's 87), but I can't deal with my dtr. She told me in her text she placed me on her ex's team, which means I no longer exist. I'm fine again, she affects my mental health. I'm so done with this.

(((((hugs)))))
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Old 12-20-2019, 02:34 PM
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Oh, crap, I just remembered you hate being called “honey”... I am sorry. It’s a common term of affection in my world and I just forgot.

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Old 12-20-2019, 04:36 PM
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I don't mind being called hon, hun or honey, just don't call me late. lol. Thanks Aries.
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Old 12-20-2019, 05:49 PM
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there is not one good thing about facebook. not even one. i reject any and all rationalizations and stories that try, even for a second, to defend this, the most virulent and destructive form of mental and psychological ebola. never login to facebook. never.
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