The 10th Day and some bad news to deliver
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
The 10th Day and some bad news to deliver
Today is the beginning of AH's 10th day sober. We had a decent weekend and he even came to an annual family (mine) gathering that he normally would not attend.
I have continued to remind him that me being proud of him is not as important as being proud of himself for what he has accomplished. This morning I could see he was struggling but I just left it to him to figure out. (Trying so hard not to "fix" him any more)
Then I get a phone call with some bad news. Now, I am holding onto it and not wanting to tell him while he is out. I know this is part of my disease and the fear of him stopping to drink is what I think I am trying to protect. Once he is home, he will not go back out (can't drive his work vehicle after that time of day) so I feel that he will be safe.
When does the fear of the next relapse go away? I know it was awhile the first time he got sober in 2016. I just wonder if it will feel longer this time? I cannot protect him from everything forever but would love to see him get a month under his belt and see things clearly to begin 2020.
As for the bad news....if he asks, I will tell him.....until then I will just hold onto it. Nothing can be done about it anyway.
I have continued to remind him that me being proud of him is not as important as being proud of himself for what he has accomplished. This morning I could see he was struggling but I just left it to him to figure out. (Trying so hard not to "fix" him any more)
Then I get a phone call with some bad news. Now, I am holding onto it and not wanting to tell him while he is out. I know this is part of my disease and the fear of him stopping to drink is what I think I am trying to protect. Once he is home, he will not go back out (can't drive his work vehicle after that time of day) so I feel that he will be safe.
When does the fear of the next relapse go away? I know it was awhile the first time he got sober in 2016. I just wonder if it will feel longer this time? I cannot protect him from everything forever but would love to see him get a month under his belt and see things clearly to begin 2020.
As for the bad news....if he asks, I will tell him.....until then I will just hold onto it. Nothing can be done about it anyway.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
When does the fear of the next relapse go away?
there are a lot of factors involved in that seemingly simple question.
First, it's gonna take a lot more than a mere 10 days!!!!
Second, if relapses keep happening with some regularity, they begin to paint a picture of the future.
Third, when you stop "owning" his recovery and think that it is somehow YOURS to protect.
remember, you are not buying him a bottle of Jack Daniels and a funnel to pour the booze down his throat - you are simply delivering some sad news that grown ups face EVERY DAY. you cannot make the world be a perfectly nice place with no triggers and big fluffy pillows to assure a soft landing and assure that he will not drink.
ever heard of pruno aka prison wine? alcoholics are tremendously resourceful and the lack of alcohol isn't an impediment. when there is a will, there is a way. same with mouthwash, vanilla, nyquil.
An excerpt from Women of the Temperance Movement:
As the temperance movement waged on, advocates became more extremist, none more so than Carrie Nation. Nation’s first husband, a doctor in the Union army, was an alcoholic. They married in 1867 and had one daughter before separating, due in part to his alcoholism. Nation and her second husband settled in Medicine Lodge, Kansas, in 1889, where she was involved with the local WCTU chapter. At the time, Kansas was a dry state, but the law was generally not enforced. Nation believed something must be done, and in June 1900 she awoke from a dream in which God suggested that she go to Kiowa, Kansas, and break down a saloon. Nation did just that, and for the next 10 years she used axes, hammers and rocks to attack bars and pharmacies – smashing bottles and breaking up wooden furniture. She was arrested 30 times.
and how did that all work out? did she solve the problem? did she really stop one single person from drinking? perhaps in the moment as they ran from the hatchet wielding woman!!
if you want to share the bad news, do so. but do not withhold it trying to hack your way thru his drinking problem.
i am sorry for the news and your sadness.
there are a lot of factors involved in that seemingly simple question.
First, it's gonna take a lot more than a mere 10 days!!!!
Second, if relapses keep happening with some regularity, they begin to paint a picture of the future.
Third, when you stop "owning" his recovery and think that it is somehow YOURS to protect.
remember, you are not buying him a bottle of Jack Daniels and a funnel to pour the booze down his throat - you are simply delivering some sad news that grown ups face EVERY DAY. you cannot make the world be a perfectly nice place with no triggers and big fluffy pillows to assure a soft landing and assure that he will not drink.
ever heard of pruno aka prison wine? alcoholics are tremendously resourceful and the lack of alcohol isn't an impediment. when there is a will, there is a way. same with mouthwash, vanilla, nyquil.
An excerpt from Women of the Temperance Movement:
As the temperance movement waged on, advocates became more extremist, none more so than Carrie Nation. Nation’s first husband, a doctor in the Union army, was an alcoholic. They married in 1867 and had one daughter before separating, due in part to his alcoholism. Nation and her second husband settled in Medicine Lodge, Kansas, in 1889, where she was involved with the local WCTU chapter. At the time, Kansas was a dry state, but the law was generally not enforced. Nation believed something must be done, and in June 1900 she awoke from a dream in which God suggested that she go to Kiowa, Kansas, and break down a saloon. Nation did just that, and for the next 10 years she used axes, hammers and rocks to attack bars and pharmacies – smashing bottles and breaking up wooden furniture. She was arrested 30 times.
and how did that all work out? did she solve the problem? did she really stop one single person from drinking? perhaps in the moment as they ran from the hatchet wielding woman!!
if you want to share the bad news, do so. but do not withhold it trying to hack your way thru his drinking problem.
i am sorry for the news and your sadness.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
I've been afraid to tell people in my life things, fearful of how they might react - my father, my boss. Ultimately that's their issue, but it still impacts.
Sanitizing a conversation to meet someone elses needs constantly is exhausting.
what impact are you anticipating?
Sanitizing a conversation to meet someone elses needs constantly is exhausting.
what impact are you anticipating?
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
Sorry for your bad news.
Is your presence required somewhere, like a wake or a funeral?
If nothing can be done anyway...is there a chance this could be classified as gossip, that need not be repeated at all?
In the end, you aren't responsible for others' reactions, unless you're choosing to bait someone into bad behavior.
You know what? Stuff like this is why the story that periodically appears about the rats and how rats don't choose to use drugs when they're happy and self actualized is something I consider bogus. The rats in the experiment eat, sleep, and play or mate with other rats. They don't hear bad news, sign kids' crummy report cards, pay the deductible on the auto insurance when someone drives into the Jersey barrier in the parking lot, or lose jobs. People have to deal with rubbish, that's just life.
I don't hide news from people, but I now try to be more circumspect about what I pass on.
Is your presence required somewhere, like a wake or a funeral?
If nothing can be done anyway...is there a chance this could be classified as gossip, that need not be repeated at all?
In the end, you aren't responsible for others' reactions, unless you're choosing to bait someone into bad behavior.
You know what? Stuff like this is why the story that periodically appears about the rats and how rats don't choose to use drugs when they're happy and self actualized is something I consider bogus. The rats in the experiment eat, sleep, and play or mate with other rats. They don't hear bad news, sign kids' crummy report cards, pay the deductible on the auto insurance when someone drives into the Jersey barrier in the parking lot, or lose jobs. People have to deal with rubbish, that's just life.
I don't hide news from people, but I now try to be more circumspect about what I pass on.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Originally Posted by oddsunflower 
Trying so hard not to "fix" him any more
Trying not to "fix" him includes things like this. You are attempting to manipulate his behaviour.
Don't get me wrong! I think your heart is in the right place but is controlling another adult by manipulation a good thing?
I'm not judging you, please know that (not even a little bit!) Just thought I would point that out as I know you are attempting to accept that:
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
oddsunflower….Wombaticus is sooo right...that constantly trying to smooth out life for other people is so exhausting!
I think that some of us started doing that, early in life....and it became "second nature" after that....
It is so easy to loose our own boundaries while trying to make life as smooth as possible for others...and, ultimately, it turns us into a tool for the welfare of others as we forgo our own identity and self esteem....
Lol....this is a true story----when I was younger, I actually tried to control time.
My mother was a very beautiful woman and actually looked much younger than her actual age. She was proud of that, and didn't ever want to grow older.
I actually tried to figure out how I could make time go backwards so that my mother wouldn't be worried about her age, any longer. I wanted her to be happy.
In fact, she didn't want her birthdate...or,any other date put on her tombstone....because she though people would gossip about how old she was.
As I grew older, she began to lie to other people about my age.....making me younger than I actually was....so that people would not think she had a child as old as me. When I would visit, she would remind me of what age I should tell people, if they should ask....
I have two younger sisters...and, eventually, she lied about my age so much, that I became younger than my younger sisters!!
I never did figure out how to turn back time....but, I always looked much younger than my age, anyway...which pleased my mother, very much.....
I tried so hard to work on my time machine....
It is sooo exhausting to try to make the world easier for other people.....
I think that some of us started doing that, early in life....and it became "second nature" after that....
It is so easy to loose our own boundaries while trying to make life as smooth as possible for others...and, ultimately, it turns us into a tool for the welfare of others as we forgo our own identity and self esteem....
Lol....this is a true story----when I was younger, I actually tried to control time.
My mother was a very beautiful woman and actually looked much younger than her actual age. She was proud of that, and didn't ever want to grow older.
I actually tried to figure out how I could make time go backwards so that my mother wouldn't be worried about her age, any longer. I wanted her to be happy.
In fact, she didn't want her birthdate...or,any other date put on her tombstone....because she though people would gossip about how old she was.
As I grew older, she began to lie to other people about my age.....making me younger than I actually was....so that people would not think she had a child as old as me. When I would visit, she would remind me of what age I should tell people, if they should ask....
I have two younger sisters...and, eventually, she lied about my age so much, that I became younger than my younger sisters!!
I never did figure out how to turn back time....but, I always looked much younger than my age, anyway...which pleased my mother, very much.....
I tried so hard to work on my time machine....
It is sooo exhausting to try to make the world easier for other people.....
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
dandylion, that is funny! My Sister did that too with my niece, as she got older, it was all in good fun though.
If people ask me my age, if it's a man I say why, are we going to get married and have children? Because if not I can't imagine why it matters.
Women don't really ask.
If people ask me my age, if it's a man I say why, are we going to get married and have children? Because if not I can't imagine why it matters.
Women don't really ask.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
Thank you all for reminding me that this is just as "controlling" as some of the other behaviors I am trying to get away from these days.
Unfortunately, the news affects our financial situation and sharing could not be avoided.
As I anticipated, the news was not well received. He chose to shutdown all night and went to sleep early.
I am going to stop counting his days and reflecting on my own based on his sobriety. I was keeping a calendar of his days and moods...lol...I am not even sure why now. After your message yesterday, I realized that I may be taking ownership of his sobriety.
As for being the one to smooth things over...I have had that role for a long, long time. I was the one doing it when my alcoholic dad was harassing my mom (I was 8 maybe...) and getting a full-time job at 14 to help my widowed mother care for my siblings. It is what I do. It is also very hard to unlearn this habit. I have spent my whole life making things right and "figuring things out" for everyone. I work hard on this every day. I try to remind myself that folks need to learn to do things for themselves.
Thank you for supporting me and allowing me to park here with my worries from time to time.
Unfortunately, the news affects our financial situation and sharing could not be avoided.
As I anticipated, the news was not well received. He chose to shutdown all night and went to sleep early.
I am going to stop counting his days and reflecting on my own based on his sobriety. I was keeping a calendar of his days and moods...lol...I am not even sure why now. After your message yesterday, I realized that I may be taking ownership of his sobriety.
As for being the one to smooth things over...I have had that role for a long, long time. I was the one doing it when my alcoholic dad was harassing my mom (I was 8 maybe...) and getting a full-time job at 14 to help my widowed mother care for my siblings. It is what I do. It is also very hard to unlearn this habit. I have spent my whole life making things right and "figuring things out" for everyone. I work hard on this every day. I try to remind myself that folks need to learn to do things for themselves.
Thank you for supporting me and allowing me to park here with my worries from time to time.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by oddsunflower
I am going to stop counting his days and reflecting on my own based on his sobriety. I was keeping a calendar of his days and moods...lol...I am not even sure why now. After your message yesterday, I realized that I may be taking ownership of his sobriety.
Once you start to see these kinds of habits in your relationship w/the A, you'll start seeing them every-freaking-where! Which is actually good, b/c once you are aware of what you're doing, you can change it. Here are links to a couple of my own AHA moments in case they shine a little light on your situation as well:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ventually.html (Little advances, hoping they add up eventually)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...t-clarity.html (O/T: Job Interview and Moment of Clarity)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...different.html (Getting to someplace different)
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
Originally Posted by honeypig
Codie red flag, danger, warning!! Wowie zowie, crazy some of the things we do, isn't it?
The bathroom door example was so true to too. I do so many things just because it was what he does but there are no logical reasons for it.
One day at a time over here...one day at a time. It's all I can do.
Thank you for making me not feel so alone!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Doesn't hurt to record if he is sober or drinking, because that does affect you and it's not a bad thing to look back on for your own clarity. Journaling what happened or didn't and recording how it affected you , focusing back on yourself. How does it make you feel. How many hours did you worry about X situation, were you sad, mad, happy or a combo! What did you do (or not do) to alleviate yourself of "taking care" of the situation. If you didn't what plan might you make going forward?
The fact that he got moody and went to bed is actually a good thing (believe it or not). That's the way it goes right? You are presented with a
challenge and you have to figure it out - sober.
10 days sober, as you know, is a drop in the bucket. He will need to learn coping skills (like the rest of us use) that don't involve alcohol. Well he should, doesn't mean he will lol
The fact that he got moody and went to bed is actually a good thing (believe it or not). That's the way it goes right? You are presented with a
challenge and you have to figure it out - sober.
10 days sober, as you know, is a drop in the bucket. He will need to learn coping skills (like the rest of us use) that don't involve alcohol. Well he should, doesn't mean he will lol
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