Ramblings as I move closer to leaving
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
Ramblings as I move closer to leaving
So many thoughts swirling in my head. I met with the therapist who is a recovering addict of over 15 years yesterday by myself. I found him because I wanted my AH to start seeing him, we saw him together once. But the consensus on this forum is that I need to leave. I felt like I needed to hear that in person too from a person who had heard hundreds of stories himself through AA so he can tell me I’m not crazy. That I’m enabling my AH by staying. That he won’t choose to get better until he loses enough, and even then it’s a gamble. He says at some point it’s my fault for being unhappy because I’m choosing to stay (he said if nicer than this). He says my AH is in “early stages of alcoholism” based on his assessment of the stories I’ve told him. He’s right. My AH doesn’t drink every night, he’s not stumbling drunk when he does drink, he doesn’t have a weird smell, he does hold a good job. But he LIES to my face when he’s had drinks and wants to hide it from me. He’s lying to himself. He’s ADAMANT that he will not leave this house because he insists he’s going to fix this between us except he won’t agree to stop drinking forever. He’s quit for now, but with the exception of our Christmas party in a week.
I finally opened up to a close family member about all this yesterday. This person is a lawyer and a judge. He agrees I need to take action. That my AH needs to FEEL that I’ve left. Empty closets, etc and that it needs to be a serious move/change.
My dad agrees I need to take action. That I’ve done enough talking and all we’ve managed to do is circle back around to him weaseling his way back into drinking with me and now lying to my face about it.
Why do I feel bad. Why do I feel like I want to talk to my AH about my plans. Tell him I’ve rented a place (when I do), tell him I’ve hired movers (when I do). Right now he’s not drank in 3 days. But I know he will. He always stops to make me happy and then convinces me “just 2 at dinner”. Sometimes I feel like I’m making all of this up. But when I speak about this to real people and just give them the facts and not just my feelings, I know what they’re thinking. They’re thinking OPEN YOUR EYES. He lies. He sneaks drinks. He makes me think I’m crazy.
The only way our marriage can be saved is if I leave. That’s what I keep reminding myself. He has to make a fundamental change as a human being. He will never do that if we stay here.
And my kids who love their dad will be okay. He’s a good dad, he spends a ton of time with them. They adore him. They’ll still see him.
I find myself repeating aloud to the people I’ve spoken to about this “I don’t know what to do” - why do I keep saying that?!? I know what to do. It’s just doing it.
My lawyer judge family member said to me “it’s easy to know what to do, but the harder part is figuring out all of the small steps to get there.”
nothing changes if nothing changes.
my friends here will understand. Even if I cannot fully explain why I left, they’ll be supportive.
the school will be fine, I’ll help them from afar. I have 2 huge fund raising events I’m already working on for the spring. I can still do it remotely.
I pray I’m doing the right thing.
I finally opened up to a close family member about all this yesterday. This person is a lawyer and a judge. He agrees I need to take action. That my AH needs to FEEL that I’ve left. Empty closets, etc and that it needs to be a serious move/change.
My dad agrees I need to take action. That I’ve done enough talking and all we’ve managed to do is circle back around to him weaseling his way back into drinking with me and now lying to my face about it.
Why do I feel bad. Why do I feel like I want to talk to my AH about my plans. Tell him I’ve rented a place (when I do), tell him I’ve hired movers (when I do). Right now he’s not drank in 3 days. But I know he will. He always stops to make me happy and then convinces me “just 2 at dinner”. Sometimes I feel like I’m making all of this up. But when I speak about this to real people and just give them the facts and not just my feelings, I know what they’re thinking. They’re thinking OPEN YOUR EYES. He lies. He sneaks drinks. He makes me think I’m crazy.
The only way our marriage can be saved is if I leave. That’s what I keep reminding myself. He has to make a fundamental change as a human being. He will never do that if we stay here.
And my kids who love their dad will be okay. He’s a good dad, he spends a ton of time with them. They adore him. They’ll still see him.
I find myself repeating aloud to the people I’ve spoken to about this “I don’t know what to do” - why do I keep saying that?!? I know what to do. It’s just doing it.
My lawyer judge family member said to me “it’s easy to know what to do, but the harder part is figuring out all of the small steps to get there.”
nothing changes if nothing changes.
my friends here will understand. Even if I cannot fully explain why I left, they’ll be supportive.
the school will be fine, I’ll help them from afar. I have 2 huge fund raising events I’m already working on for the spring. I can still do it remotely.
I pray I’m doing the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 73
Im sorry for all you’re going through, it’s tough with young kids in tow. But at this point you’re peace of mind and sanity is priceless. I know you don’t want to leave, but leaving now will be the easiest, his condition will worsen, it will get harder and more ugly to leave then.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
FWN, I hope you give yourself a break on how you're feeling. You're in the middle of a whirlwind, so of course you're going to feel off-balance and need reassurance. It's impossible to maintain perspective in a whirlwind. We're here to help. For what it's worth, I believe you're doing the right thing for all of you, even when it doesn't feel like it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Ft.Worth
My heart breaks for you.
At a very basic, fundamental level, your husband has given up intimacy with you and taken on a substance as his mistress. As AA says, the alcohol is only a symptom of the disease.
It sounds like you have a wonderful support network in place. As hard as leaving is, you must think of your children.
My heart breaks for you.
At a very basic, fundamental level, your husband has given up intimacy with you and taken on a substance as his mistress. As AA says, the alcohol is only a symptom of the disease.
It sounds like you have a wonderful support network in place. As hard as leaving is, you must think of your children.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
With us you have lots of hands to hold and lots of shoulders to cry on.
We've been there, we get it. We're here for you.
I didn't WANT to leave the alcoholic father of my children either... I also did NOT want to be with a man I couldn't trust. It was an agonizing situation to be in. My heart goes out to you.
*hug*
We've been there, we get it. We're here for you.
I didn't WANT to leave the alcoholic father of my children either... I also did NOT want to be with a man I couldn't trust. It was an agonizing situation to be in. My heart goes out to you.
*hug*
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Goodmorning FWN,
Let me tell you that you are not crazy. You are a good wife and mother who just wants the best for her family. Just know that you are strong and can do this.
You have tried talking to him in getting help. Like you said, it's turned you in circles. Right when he agrees to stop drinking, you come full around a few days later and he's convinced you to just have a couple drinks. It then grows from there. The therapist is right in that he is in the early stage. He can quit for a few days, but that urge to have another drink is strong and just looking for the right moment to act. Alcoholics are good at playing these manipulation games.
I can imagine these steps that you are taking feel like you are betraying your husband by not telling him what you are doing. You are doing what is needed to protect your children and yourself. You have tried the talking route and that has just brought you sadness. I realize that you don't want to do this, that why it's easy to think about it. Taking the actual steps and putting them in place feels like your ending things. You not ending things, you are giving you and your children a safe place to be why he figures out what he needs to do. Only he can come to that conclusion. The children will be fine and will adapt to the change. You will feel sad, but better at the same time.
We are here for you if your need help and answers. Just keep being strong for yourself and for your kids. I hope you have a beautiful day.
Let me tell you that you are not crazy. You are a good wife and mother who just wants the best for her family. Just know that you are strong and can do this.
You have tried talking to him in getting help. Like you said, it's turned you in circles. Right when he agrees to stop drinking, you come full around a few days later and he's convinced you to just have a couple drinks. It then grows from there. The therapist is right in that he is in the early stage. He can quit for a few days, but that urge to have another drink is strong and just looking for the right moment to act. Alcoholics are good at playing these manipulation games.
I can imagine these steps that you are taking feel like you are betraying your husband by not telling him what you are doing. You are doing what is needed to protect your children and yourself. You have tried the talking route and that has just brought you sadness. I realize that you don't want to do this, that why it's easy to think about it. Taking the actual steps and putting them in place feels like your ending things. You not ending things, you are giving you and your children a safe place to be why he figures out what he needs to do. Only he can come to that conclusion. The children will be fine and will adapt to the change. You will feel sad, but better at the same time.
We are here for you if your need help and answers. Just keep being strong for yourself and for your kids. I hope you have a beautiful day.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
You’re not crazy. It sounds like you’re grieving. As mylife says above, if you had a spouse you trusted , you could talk about all these things and you could have hope that they would change. But that’s not the spouse you have. Coming to this realization sets you free in some ways (you’ve stopped trying to get him to change or to engage with him as a full partner, and you’re looking after yourself and your kids) but it’s deeply sad in other ways. Of course you feel like you’re all over the place - that’s completely normal.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Prayer is powerful.
When it's time to leave, we leave. We survive. We thrive. Time to pause, wait, check in with ourselves, Higher Power, healthy gut instinct. Sometimes it's the small moment of "what's the next healthy step?" that propels us forward.
When it's time to leave, we leave. We survive. We thrive. Time to pause, wait, check in with ourselves, Higher Power, healthy gut instinct. Sometimes it's the small moment of "what's the next healthy step?" that propels us forward.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
No, you certainly aren't crazy and what you are experiencing sounds completely normal, to me.
Just because you know you should do this doesn't mean you want to do it, that's normal. Even adding on top that the therapist stated you are enabling him, so basically it is not good for any of you, your reaction is still normal.
You don't hate him, heck, sounds like you don't even dislike him, so why would you leave?? He's not a horrible Father etc etc.
Why? Because someone in that household has to make the hard decisions (and it won't be him). Up until now that has been you and it will continue to be you until such time as he decides he would rather be a Husband and Father than a drinker.
Men lose their families all the time, their wives leave with babies in their arms and still, they don't stop drinking. That's why it's never wise to think of this as an ultimatum instead of a life change for you (as I know you know).
He lies to you, all in protection of the drinking. That of course is the addiction which he must protect at all costs. If you told him you were leaving he would probably be AMAZED, really, I'm being so "good", I'm doing what WE agreed, not drinking until xmas.
That's his world, in fact I would put money on the fact that a lot of his day is counting the days to the xmas party (if he in fact is not drinking already). I think sometimes we would be surprised at the lengths they go to to hide their drinking when required.
It's just a fact that you need to be in an environment where no one is playing head games with you and so do your children. All is not ok, he pretends like it is, in his alcoholic world, you don't have to go along with it anymore.
Just because you know you should do this doesn't mean you want to do it, that's normal. Even adding on top that the therapist stated you are enabling him, so basically it is not good for any of you, your reaction is still normal.
You don't hate him, heck, sounds like you don't even dislike him, so why would you leave?? He's not a horrible Father etc etc.
Why? Because someone in that household has to make the hard decisions (and it won't be him). Up until now that has been you and it will continue to be you until such time as he decides he would rather be a Husband and Father than a drinker.
Men lose their families all the time, their wives leave with babies in their arms and still, they don't stop drinking. That's why it's never wise to think of this as an ultimatum instead of a life change for you (as I know you know).
He lies to you, all in protection of the drinking. That of course is the addiction which he must protect at all costs. If you told him you were leaving he would probably be AMAZED, really, I'm being so "good", I'm doing what WE agreed, not drinking until xmas.
That's his world, in fact I would put money on the fact that a lot of his day is counting the days to the xmas party (if he in fact is not drinking already). I think sometimes we would be surprised at the lengths they go to to hide their drinking when required.
It's just a fact that you need to be in an environment where no one is playing head games with you and so do your children. All is not ok, he pretends like it is, in his alcoholic world, you don't have to go along with it anymore.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You do know that leaving does not have to equate divorce. It can equate separating until (and if) he gets himself together. It can equate into giving you some space to sort out how you feel and to continue with therapy. Some friends of ours just separated. They don't know what the future holds. They have found this actually bothers a lot of other people, but not them. They are ok with just saying we need to move apart and have some space while we figure some things out.
However, if you are at a point you feel you are ready to just move on, do it. It's painful and it's hard to go through it, but you will become stronger and you will form a new normal.
Sending you lots of strength and lots of hugs. No person here on this forum can say "you should do this." You have to come to that point yourself, but we will walk with you regardless.
However, if you are at a point you feel you are ready to just move on, do it. It's painful and it's hard to go through it, but you will become stronger and you will form a new normal.
Sending you lots of strength and lots of hugs. No person here on this forum can say "you should do this." You have to come to that point yourself, but we will walk with you regardless.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 530
I could have written a very similar account as you have. I kept thinking if only I could say the right words to make him see- but now I know you can't control it. I was afraid of opening up to other people, but it helped me to be honest with friends and they became my support system which enabled me to leave. I did not tell him before I left because I knew he would hide money but I thought maybe he would change after I left. Instead he ransacked a large joint account- no worries though. Because I had filed for divorce before I left, that was considered joint property regardless. He wouldn't give me alimony and I had a part time job. He fought the divorce and the property settlement every step of the way. Looking back I realize if he loved me, he would have been gracious in giving me some money to tide me over, and told me he understood I needed time away and he had to decide if he was willing to make changes. It is sad to think a husband could treat a wife this way, but I had to face facts. If I stayed it would be to watch him drink and have him treat me with contempt and meanness.
I am changing so much after 4 years away. I am coming back to myself.
I encourage you. Find support- friends and a good counselor. Maybe Alanon.
I am changing so much after 4 years away. I am coming back to myself.
I encourage you. Find support- friends and a good counselor. Maybe Alanon.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
please try to avoid thinking that YOU need to take drastic measures in order for HIM to make changes. or that this evacuation will result in a better marriage, long term, because he'll wake up and smell the coffee and launch into a wholesale transformation cuz he suddenly GETS it.
it's time to stop running your thinking thru the filter of HIM. like a chess game - plotting to move your pawn so he'll capture it with his knight and you'll then pounce with your rook. cuz you are probably missing that queen of his that is going to zip straight down the board and...checkmate!
it's exhausting to try and carry the burden of how another human chooses to live THEIR lives. we have enough to bear with our own thoughts, feelings and life decisions. you do have other humans to loo out for, because they are not adults and need someone to guide them to a safe, sane, secure environment.
dad has already planned his next APPROVED drunk - the Christmas Party. he might even have a pre-party warm up day...or two. his world view and concerns are just that......
copied from Who, What, How and Why? of NA (underline by me):
Who is an addict?
Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. We know! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another – the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We lived to use and used to live.
he may or may not ever get it. he certainly has had every opportunity to do so. recovery is not a secret. the many methods are widely available. you can leave him to it.
it's time to stop running your thinking thru the filter of HIM. like a chess game - plotting to move your pawn so he'll capture it with his knight and you'll then pounce with your rook. cuz you are probably missing that queen of his that is going to zip straight down the board and...checkmate!
it's exhausting to try and carry the burden of how another human chooses to live THEIR lives. we have enough to bear with our own thoughts, feelings and life decisions. you do have other humans to loo out for, because they are not adults and need someone to guide them to a safe, sane, secure environment.
dad has already planned his next APPROVED drunk - the Christmas Party. he might even have a pre-party warm up day...or two. his world view and concerns are just that......
copied from Who, What, How and Why? of NA (underline by me):
Who is an addict?
Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. We know! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another – the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We lived to use and used to live.
he may or may not ever get it. he certainly has had every opportunity to do so. recovery is not a secret. the many methods are widely available. you can leave him to it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
"He's quit for now but with the exception of our Christmas party" ... that right there says everything you need to know. He's quit drinking except for when he's drinking. There will always be a "Christmas party".
There is no need to drink alcohol at a Christmas party. Lots of people go to parties and don't drink. You can even host a Christmas party without drinking. There's also no need to even go to the frigging Christmas party, even if it's your own, if the temptation or pressure to drink is going to be really strong. Lots of people just skip the parties (couldn't get a sitter, got the flu, out of town, whatever).
He's still planning his life around drinking. Sobriety is not that important to him.
There is no need to drink alcohol at a Christmas party. Lots of people go to parties and don't drink. You can even host a Christmas party without drinking. There's also no need to even go to the frigging Christmas party, even if it's your own, if the temptation or pressure to drink is going to be really strong. Lots of people just skip the parties (couldn't get a sitter, got the flu, out of town, whatever).
He's still planning his life around drinking. Sobriety is not that important to him.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
