As the end of the year approaches, i am pinching myself as I reflect on how different my life and home is, than earlier this year.

I was with AH for 15yrs & for the last few years, I dreaded his company. I despised Friday afternoons coming home for the weekend. I didn’t know what the weekend would bring, but I could almost guarantee there would be drinking & mood swings & he would demand my attention like a toddler. My child seemed to have similar feelings, ‘oh no, dad’s home... why can’t dad go back to work?’ It was exhausting & I felt trapped because we had little kids & as much as I tried to distract them going on frequent outings- they still witnessed more dysfunction than I’d like to admit. I felt stuck because I didn’t want to leave them potentially unsupervised in his care.

I left AH mid year, I planned for months and set a date and stuck to it. I stashed cash away, got legal advise from 2 lawyers, bought stuff for a new home on the sly & gathered al the important papers I’d need for divorce. I also became very aware of what my future financial implications would be- I made a decision to downgrade my car to fund my divorce. For me, breaking my goal down into small tasks made it achievable & before I knew it- it was time. My immediate safety was not at risk, so I had time to prepare

AH has gradually accepted my decisions & has chosen recovery recently. It’s too late for me, but I wish him well with that. I have some custody/ legal issues to work through & it’s stressful, but it’s much easier to handle when my home environment is calm

The Holidays used to be terrible time at home. I would dread when AH would take time off work because I knew drinking would escalate to all day/night and I felt I had to ‘pretend’ we were a happy family amongst the usual social events that would happen in December & January. It took me a long time to fully come out of denial and accept my living situation & it was up to me to change it for the benefit of my mental health & he kids childhood. Al-Anon was not an option for me because of distance, so I came on the SR and would cling on to some of the phrases- ‘let go or be dragged’, ‘nothing changes if nothing changes’ and others that reminded me that I had choices. I could change my life direction at any time! It was empowering & im forever grateful to the members who contribute their time & energy

I’m so glad to chose to live authentically. In full disclosure, there have been hard times of grief & adjustment since separation, but it’s all been worth it to be in this position. I walked away from a beautiful massive home, said goodbye to overseas travel every year & other financial sacrifices, my furniture is mostly secondhand, but my home is now a safe & happy space. My kid still says every week, ‘I love our new home’. That is PRICELESS. I will rebuild my finances, but even if I don’t achieve the same level- it’s ok. I know what’s important in life & luxuries ain’t it

In recent months, I’ve struggled to occupy my free time with constructive things- my life isn’t revolving around an alcoholic & I’ve realised I lost my identity & I need to get to know myself again. I would like to continue to work on myself, because I have many issues I don’t want to pass onto my kids.

My advice- dare to dream what you want your life to look life in a years time. Make small changes in that direction & find ‘pockets’ of joy amongst the chaos- go out for a picnic, see friends, etc.

Sorry for the ramble. I hope someone finds it helpful

Thanks for the warm welcome back to SR :)

The kids and I put the Christmas tree up the other day and I cried happy tears... it’s been many years since that tradition wasn’t ruined by alcoholic behaviour. It’s the simple things.

It will be my first time without the children on Christmas Day (they will be with AH & family), but by golly I will be enjoying every moment leading up to it :)

Big hugs to everyone one going through a rough time at home. Hoping you can find some moments of calm & joy. Merry Christmas all

reflecting, your post is most definitely helpful!

This will be my first Christmas alone (without ah) You are spot on about giving up the “luxuries”. My finances are in total chaos right now and I have been extremely worried/stressing over it. My kids have made it clear that as long as we’re together and happy, with full bellies ha ha, it will be a wonderful, peaceful Christmas. We’re having a cookie decorating party with family and friends next week! Gotta make a triple batch of great gramas sugar cookies ❤️

Thank you for posting, I’m glad I read this today as a gentle reminder to keep following my own path. One day at a time

Happy Holidays to you and your family!

I love this positivity! I feel the same. I sometimes get down, and start thinking about the beautiful home I had just built and never got to live in. The beautiful property it was on. I am here in this tiny old house, on a giant hill with no yard. But you know what, a little paint and some Pinterest goes a long way. And I am truly happy 95% of the time. The only times I feel anxious are when I think about financial struggles which will eventually get better once I am free from AH, and when he quacks. I try my best to focus on me and my children and the future. So happy you are able to do the same ❤️

Thank you SO much for this. You have spoken directly to my heart.