I made it and so can you
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 25
I made it and so can you
2 years ago 10/1 my life forever changed. My AH decided after 23yrs that taking care of his wife with a leg cast due to reconstruction surgery on my entire foot and ankle do to RA was too much for him. He decided to make me feel like a worthless inconvenience. He decided he no longer wanted to be married as he got black out drunk 6days a week (now it’s 7 days but it’s my favorite thing, not my problem) and slept with whoever wanted his whiskey 🍆 I was so broken I thought I couldn’t survive without him. My family was all 600+ miles away and I couldn’t even drive since it was my right leg. Slowly I realized that no matter what I deserved more. The more I pushed away the more he tried to say he’d change but this time I knew no matter what I just can’t do this. My deal breaker was cheating and that he did then, even though he tried to deny it for months. A life long friend lived 2hrs away and I knew I had to get there but I didn’t know then that I was codependent on him. I begged him for days to let me go and when he agreed he was at work. I already had a suitcase packed, grabbed our dogs and left for good. Boy was he shocked when he got home bc he wanted to just be in separate rooms. I gave him 2 wks to tell the kids but it ended up being me. I collect SSD and knew I couldn’t afford our home etc. Despite all suggestions I received I left the house. I could go on and on but what I want all of you who are unsure if you can do it and why should you I’m here to tell you that you absolutely can. Your life will change but once you get through the pain you will be able to breathe like you haven’t in years. It’s over 2yrs still waiting for that ass to sign the divorce papers. He has a girlfriend yet doesn’t want a divorce because he wants it all. If his drunk girlfriend (he met his twin and I did let them know that they’re perfect together) didn’t go after our pregnant I would almost feel sorry for her. But why, she knows he doesn’t want a divorce and that he has never taken our family pictures down, he’s never stopped telling me how sorry he is etc so at this point her drunk self gets what she deserves, a married POS. I even asked her to help him sign!!
But more important is what I’ve learned in all of this. -staying single and keeping my self respect was more important than getting even
-that one day our kids will realize the truth and it’s not for me to tell them, to hurt them and even if I do he will lie like the new him does even when he’s caught red handed
-that the Shitstorm will show everyone that he’s lost out on a diamond while chasing CZ’s, cocaine whores and drunks like him
-that I will heal and he has to carry this for the rest of his life, not me
-that he will never get over me, what he’s done and who he’s become
-that all his failed attempts to be the man I married don’t effect my life
-that never giving him an ultimatum reminded me who I am and have always been
-that I could move to my hometown where our kids are and live in my own apartment, pay my own bills, have the money I have and not have my money go to dealers and bartenders or watch a grown man pout bc I won’t let him spend what he wants or let’s face it he pouted at everything and it was easier to be home alone than w that crap
-that the person I am today I am so proud of
-that I could show my family that you can be better and not bitter, that there’s no need to be a right fighter Bc no matter what ppl think what they want
-I didn’t need to tell people what happened or why I moved home. I let ppl who weren’t immediate to me think what they wanted and I heard some crazy crap. The ones who thought poor him have had their foot in their mouths for sometime but it’s really ok bc I smile and laugh about it now.
-he’s aged decades in 2 years and I look younger than i have in years. I do enjoy seeing in the mirror that the healthier I get from being away from the rollercoaster the more I love myself
-it’s never to late to start dating yourself. The love I freely gave him I give to myself and it’s been wonderful to realize how much my love means when I see me.
-that no matter what I got this when I thought it was all done for me
-that I’m back to dreaming, setting and crushing goals
I can’t thank this sight and all those who willingly shared their lives with me. I only posted a few times but I spent countless days reading and reading which I will say I’m happy to be past researching his issues and just living my life for me and those who matter. The holidays can bring a lot of pain bc it’s a huge change and a day that has a meaning so we know what the others were like but that can be a good thing too. I hope everyone can find their happiness again too.
But more important is what I’ve learned in all of this. -staying single and keeping my self respect was more important than getting even
-that one day our kids will realize the truth and it’s not for me to tell them, to hurt them and even if I do he will lie like the new him does even when he’s caught red handed
-that the Shitstorm will show everyone that he’s lost out on a diamond while chasing CZ’s, cocaine whores and drunks like him
-that I will heal and he has to carry this for the rest of his life, not me
-that he will never get over me, what he’s done and who he’s become
-that all his failed attempts to be the man I married don’t effect my life
-that never giving him an ultimatum reminded me who I am and have always been
-that I could move to my hometown where our kids are and live in my own apartment, pay my own bills, have the money I have and not have my money go to dealers and bartenders or watch a grown man pout bc I won’t let him spend what he wants or let’s face it he pouted at everything and it was easier to be home alone than w that crap
-that the person I am today I am so proud of
-that I could show my family that you can be better and not bitter, that there’s no need to be a right fighter Bc no matter what ppl think what they want
-I didn’t need to tell people what happened or why I moved home. I let ppl who weren’t immediate to me think what they wanted and I heard some crazy crap. The ones who thought poor him have had their foot in their mouths for sometime but it’s really ok bc I smile and laugh about it now.
-he’s aged decades in 2 years and I look younger than i have in years. I do enjoy seeing in the mirror that the healthier I get from being away from the rollercoaster the more I love myself
-it’s never to late to start dating yourself. The love I freely gave him I give to myself and it’s been wonderful to realize how much my love means when I see me.
-that no matter what I got this when I thought it was all done for me
-that I’m back to dreaming, setting and crushing goals
I can’t thank this sight and all those who willingly shared their lives with me. I only posted a few times but I spent countless days reading and reading which I will say I’m happy to be past researching his issues and just living my life for me and those who matter. The holidays can bring a lot of pain bc it’s a huge change and a day that has a meaning so we know what the others were like but that can be a good thing too. I hope everyone can find their happiness again too.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 52
haha.. lostinthismess..this ...
"-I didn’t need to tell people what happened or why I moved home. I let ppl who weren’t immediate to me think what they wanted and I heard some crazy crap. The ones who thought poor him have had their foot in their mouths for sometime but it’s really ok bc I smile and laugh about it now."
Can I tell you that my parents neighbors asked me why I moved home to mama? Like I wasn't low enough already. I literally have had to try and stay away from people because their comments cut like a knife, and I have the thinnest skin these days.
Thanks for this post,
E
"-I didn’t need to tell people what happened or why I moved home. I let ppl who weren’t immediate to me think what they wanted and I heard some crazy crap. The ones who thought poor him have had their foot in their mouths for sometime but it’s really ok bc I smile and laugh about it now."
Can I tell you that my parents neighbors asked me why I moved home to mama? Like I wasn't low enough already. I literally have had to try and stay away from people because their comments cut like a knife, and I have the thinnest skin these days.
Thanks for this post,
E
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
Originally Posted by Lostinthismess 
I do enjoy seeing in the mirror that the healthier I get from being away from the rollercoaster the more I love myself
-it’s never to late to start dating yourself. The love I freely gave him I give to myself and it’s been wonderful to realize how much my love means when I see me.
-it’s never to late to start dating yourself. The love I freely gave him I give to myself and it’s been wonderful to realize how much my love means when I see me.
I particularly like the part above about loving yourself. It's funny how that is so much easier when you escape the constraints. It's a happy feeling and i'm happy for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by Emmalyn
haha.. lostinthismess..this ...
"-I didn’t need to tell people what happened or why I moved home. I let ppl who weren’t immediate to me think what they wanted and I heard some crazy crap. The ones who thought poor him have had their foot in their mouths for sometime but it’s really ok bc I smile and laugh about it now."
Can I tell you that my parents neighbors asked me why I moved home to mama? Like I wasn't low enough already. I literally have had to try and stay away from people because their comments cut like a knife, and I have the thinnest skin these days.
Thanks for this post,
E
"-I didn’t need to tell people what happened or why I moved home. I let ppl who weren’t immediate to me think what they wanted and I heard some crazy crap. The ones who thought poor him have had their foot in their mouths for sometime but it’s really ok bc I smile and laugh about it now."
Can I tell you that my parents neighbors asked me why I moved home to mama? Like I wasn't low enough already. I literally have had to try and stay away from people because their comments cut like a knife, and I have the thinnest skin these days.
Thanks for this post,
E
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Lost, it sure sounds to me like you're FOUND these days instead! Thanks for taking the time and effort to come here and give hope and encouragement to those of us who are still struggling as well as lifting the spirits of the rest of us.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by Lostinthismess
I completely understand the frustration in ppl asking stuff that they have no need too. Sometimes I think ppl forget that before social media we knew what we knew and didn’t insert ourselves into other’s business as much as ppl do now. Actually my daughter didn’t even understand how annoying it was for me until she got pregnant and ppl started asking if this was planned. Shitstorm has many friends here and sure enough after 2 years I’m still being asked where he is and how long am I visiting for when I’ve lived here over a year. This pass weekend it as a 2nd cousin of his asking. When I first moved back a friend of his asked me where he is while we were at a wedding so it was already uncomfortable for me. I was pissed off at this friend for a longtime. Sure enough he really didn’t know. This past summer he came up and apologized if he did something to upset me bc I’ve avoided him since. But like you, I too felt my skin was thin and I couldn’t see those who truly cared. But as for the neighbors, tell them you’ve taken up selling crack and this is a good location to build your business!!
Geesh can I have a little nicotine? I just moved across the country, broke up with my boyfriend, am looking for a job after 13 years with the same company and am living with my parents!! And I don't even drink!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by Emmalyn
Lostinthismess- That just might have the desired effect!! I do not understand why people are so determined to not necessarily know all the facts of a situation but feel as if they can determine enough to give unsolicited advice. This happened to me night before last, another neighbor told me that god would help me quit smoking (I switched to a vape with very little nicotine a few months ago, during a really difficult time, it was hard!!) I looked at her and said that my biggest issue right now was getting out of bed and if god wanted to see fit to help me with that I'm sure he would.
Geesh can I have a little nicotine? I just moved across the country, broke up with my boyfriend, am looking for a job after 13 years with the same company and am living with my parents!! And I don't even drink!!
Geesh can I have a little nicotine? I just moved across the country, broke up with my boyfriend, am looking for a job after 13 years with the same company and am living with my parents!! And I don't even drink!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Lostinthismess……I just want to say that you are one tough cookie.
I think your story can give so much encouragement to others who might be feeling overwhelmed, right now.
I hope that you can hang around and continue to share your journey......you have a lot to tell....
LOL...lol....Life gave you a pile of lemons and you opened a Lemonade Stand!!
I think your story can give so much encouragement to others who might be feeling overwhelmed, right now.
I hope that you can hang around and continue to share your journey......you have a lot to tell....
LOL...lol....Life gave you a pile of lemons and you opened a Lemonade Stand!!
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
lostinthismess ... thank you for this inspiring post. I see many paralels with your story and mine. I am almost 2 years in from leaving my alcoholic husband of 18 years but I have a long way to go till I feel as strong and free as you do. I am still weighed down with the sadness of the loss of our family and the sadness of watching the man I loved deteriorate ........ I still have the divorce to get through..... thank you for sharing your story and showing how the future can look. You give me hope.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by Amaranth
lostinthismess ... thank you for this inspiring post. I see many paralels with your story and mine. I am almost 2 years in from leaving my alcoholic husband of 18 years but I have a long way to go till I feel as strong and free as you do. I am still weighed down with the sadness of the loss of our family and the sadness of watching the man I loved deteriorate ........ I still have the divorce to get through..... thank you for sharing your story and showing how the future can look. You give me hope.
I have really learned I can be bitter or better. I can either work through all of this and heal so I don't carry this pain with me for the rest of my life or I can numb myself by being with someone just to get even, have a distraction, etc. But no matter what it will come back to haunt you if you don't do the work on you. My parents were the perfect example of what not to do as parents and parents who divorced. They divorced 35 yrs ago and still can't be in the same room. They both remarried and my Dad can see my mom but she can't see him even though she's remarried twice. Because of her I hate the holidays. They were always a fight because everything was about her, not us kids and then not our kids. Seeing your parents decades old divorce effect your own kids sucks. I could go on and on about their crap but the thing is I am thankful that I am not her.
I also think it's important to know that there's no time limit on healing. Anyone who makes you feel wrong for your feelings has crap they need to deal with themselves. I did go to therapy with the goal of finding any tools I didn't have to help my kids deal with having an absent drunk Dad. What I did find that being validated by a complete stranger was helpful. On my way to the first 5+ appointments I thought my chest was going to explode but after each appointment I felt lighter. Two months ago while at therapy my fitbit registered 15 minutes of exercise because of my heart rate. I had no idea I was still physically feeling that hurt. That too was a good eye opener.
Please know that you got this, there's no right or wrong way to heal, It's what works for you. To this day I remind myself that I got out, it's his fault and that he has to live with, not me. My life will go on. I can have another husband one day if that's what I want. I do wish it was as easy for our kids. I see it as they feel forced to hold on while I feel forced to let go. I try to remind myself of that and that I don't know how they truly feel just as they don't know how I feel. I try to just be an ear for them and it's helped them to have that outlet.
I truly wish all the best for you and everyone else here. Please be proud of the person you are and please give yourself the love and compassion you would give your best friend if she was in your shoes. Happiness will come again for you, I promise. Stay strong
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
lostinthismess
I have made myself picture her in my mind and doing so brings tears and even does now. I feel sorry for that woman and how little she thought of herself.
I just did this. This time last year I was lying in a hospital bed full of tubes and stitched up my middle, broken in two physically and emotionally, while my husband partied with his new girlfriend and slept with her in our bed. This image is bringing a lot of tears.
Today I am cancer free, regaining my physical strength, have a nice house to live in, I am manging to earn some money here and there. I have worked through a lot of stuff. When I compare year-ago-me to today me, I'm doing OK!!! Thank you for suggesting this excercise!!
And i know what you mean about the dates...the anniversaries....they are hard days to get through. And there seem to be so many.
I'm starting to see that my letting go will eventually help my kids let go. They are clinging on tight to the life they know because it's all they've got. As I start to rebuild my life, I have another option to offer them. My son has been away at college for 2 months and is building his own life. I see him slowly starting to let go.
Yes, healing has no time frame and I should not try to rush mine. Thank you for your insight and for sharing your story of resilience and hope.
I have made myself picture her in my mind and doing so brings tears and even does now. I feel sorry for that woman and how little she thought of herself.
I just did this. This time last year I was lying in a hospital bed full of tubes and stitched up my middle, broken in two physically and emotionally, while my husband partied with his new girlfriend and slept with her in our bed. This image is bringing a lot of tears.
Today I am cancer free, regaining my physical strength, have a nice house to live in, I am manging to earn some money here and there. I have worked through a lot of stuff. When I compare year-ago-me to today me, I'm doing OK!!! Thank you for suggesting this excercise!!
And i know what you mean about the dates...the anniversaries....they are hard days to get through. And there seem to be so many.
I'm starting to see that my letting go will eventually help my kids let go. They are clinging on tight to the life they know because it's all they've got. As I start to rebuild my life, I have another option to offer them. My son has been away at college for 2 months and is building his own life. I see him slowly starting to let go.
Yes, healing has no time frame and I should not try to rush mine. Thank you for your insight and for sharing your story of resilience and hope.
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