Letter to my husband
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 37
Letter to my husband
Hello Everyone, it has been quite some time since I have posted here, I think back in April. Sadly my Mom had a stroke after Easter & it has been a crazy year since. Sadly it has also been a very hard year in my marriage as well. They talk about it being a progressive disease but I swear my husband was able to stay functioning for years, until this year that is. The one thing I always bragged about my husband was his great work ethic. Drinking never seemed to affect his drinking & 90% of the time he was very functioning. Again, until this year, not sure why he changed but his drinking got worse & he lost 3 jobs this year. His last job he lost in October & I told him we had to separate after the holidays come January. Last month I started to see a new counselor who specializes in addiction & I know it is time to separate, as sad as it makes me, I have given him more than enough chances to do the work he needs to do. I do not know what his rock bottom is but I think as long as he gets to stay in our home with his family, he will never hit it. In the meantime I have hit my bottom so I have to do this for me. My counselor thinks it might be best to write a letter to read to him about separating so I do not get off track & tell him to let me read it in its entirety so he does not say things that get me flustered. I want to stick to facts, not rub in his face what he has not done but I also do not want to get caught up on what he needs to do or even give him any hope for us for I have NO idea what the future holds. One step/day at a time. He can choose what he does what this time & I know in this time, it is about me taking care of me. Any thoughts of what to put in this letter, trying to keep it short & sweet?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Stacy...….I think it is best to keep all statements and comments about what effects his drinking have had on YOU. You won't have to point any fingers directly at hm. The effects that the drinking has had on you, that brought you to this decision, says it all.....
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
sorry about your mum.
so is it you don't think he KNOWS his drinking is a problem and might be why you would leave him? like it's a secret?
i'm all for short and sweet -
Dear AH,
I'm leaving you.
Sincerely,
Stacy
so is it you don't think he KNOWS his drinking is a problem and might be why you would leave him? like it's a secret?
i'm all for short and sweet -
Dear AH,
I'm leaving you.
Sincerely,
Stacy
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Can I ask what the intention behind this letter is?
I understand the therapist's point that having it laid out in front of you might help you stay on track. But what is the intention behind having a letter to begin with?
Like Anvil said, I don't think you need to say more than "I'm done," and he is not likely to hear even that. Prioritize yourself and what you need during this process, and let him take care of himself.
I understand the therapist's point that having it laid out in front of you might help you stay on track. But what is the intention behind having a letter to begin with?
Like Anvil said, I don't think you need to say more than "I'm done," and he is not likely to hear even that. Prioritize yourself and what you need during this process, and let him take care of himself.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
I had a conversation about this with an Al Anon member once. More of a letter for you then for AH. Basically you state what you deserve/need from your marriage/relationship. Not a b*tch list or examples of why your right and he’s wrong. Boundaries, Boundries, Boundries
Ex:
I deserve and will be treated with respect
I deserve and expect to have a sober partner
I deserve and need to be in a loving, equal relationship
Etc. Etc.
Anything less then this will not be accepted from this point forward.
Simply a list of your expectations and boundaries. Now...you can leave this for him to read or try to have a conversation about it (your discretion) BUT...... dont expect a “list” or “note” to change anything about anyone at anytime. Like I said this seems more of a way for us co-dependents to get it out there, in B&W so to speak. And hey, if it makes you feel better, I say go for it.
I have never personally tried this. My (separated)AH and I were already to far gone for this. And if he didn’t hear me the first 127 times I said it well....his loss
I do wish you luck, stick with your boundries and please please take care of yourself!
PS: they already know why, this is not breaking news
Ex:
I deserve and will be treated with respect
I deserve and expect to have a sober partner
I deserve and need to be in a loving, equal relationship
Etc. Etc.
Anything less then this will not be accepted from this point forward.
Simply a list of your expectations and boundaries. Now...you can leave this for him to read or try to have a conversation about it (your discretion) BUT...... dont expect a “list” or “note” to change anything about anyone at anytime. Like I said this seems more of a way for us co-dependents to get it out there, in B&W so to speak. And hey, if it makes you feel better, I say go for it.
I have never personally tried this. My (separated)AH and I were already to far gone for this. And if he didn’t hear me the first 127 times I said it well....his loss
I do wish you luck, stick with your boundries and please please take care of yourself!
PS: they already know why, this is not breaking news
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Dunno. In my experience, the more reasons I gave, the more point-by-point arguments I got back. Anything to deflect from THE PROBLEM that supposedly isn’t a problem. The arguments were then followed by attacks, justifications...all words. Waste of air on both sides.
You told him you’re separating in January, yes? So the rest is just logistics.
Sending you clarity and strength.
You told him you’re separating in January, yes? So the rest is just logistics.
Sending you clarity and strength.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Hi Stacy, good to see you (not the reason of course!)
I went back and read a few of your posts and I see where you are coming from. Like where he stopped drinking for 2 days then accused you of being unwilling to try and he could see you wouldn't make an effort (even though he was : /)
I understand how that can fluster you, when you are trying to say your piece and someone interrupts to berate you or accuse or blame.
Perhaps point form is the best way to approach it. I'm leaving you and your points (or you must move out by January 1st and this is why I'm instigating this).
If he is the one to do the moving - I would put that on the list at the beginning with a specified date, so it's very clear. It's possible he may not really hear you if he is drunk or if he is busy thinking about his defense.
Anyway, I hope it goes better than you expect. Remember, you can get up and leave the room at any time if you want to and resume the conversation later, again, if you want to.
Personally I like the idea of Anvilhead's letter. You really don't need to justify separating.
Please let us know how you are doing.
I went back and read a few of your posts and I see where you are coming from. Like where he stopped drinking for 2 days then accused you of being unwilling to try and he could see you wouldn't make an effort (even though he was : /)
I understand how that can fluster you, when you are trying to say your piece and someone interrupts to berate you or accuse or blame.
Perhaps point form is the best way to approach it. I'm leaving you and your points (or you must move out by January 1st and this is why I'm instigating this).
If he is the one to do the moving - I would put that on the list at the beginning with a specified date, so it's very clear. It's possible he may not really hear you if he is drunk or if he is busy thinking about his defense.
Anyway, I hope it goes better than you expect. Remember, you can get up and leave the room at any time if you want to and resume the conversation later, again, if you want to.
Personally I like the idea of Anvilhead's letter. You really don't need to justify separating.
Please let us know how you are doing.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Stacy, you don't have to explain anything if you don't want to. If you really feel you have to, and you get flustered (which is completely understandable), then a points style letter is a useful tool.
I suppose you are imagining a scene like in a movie where you spell out your reasons for leaving, but you really don't have to have that conversation if you don't choose to.
I'm not sure how old your AH is, but yes, alcohol abuse does eventually catch up with the A as they get older. The young body is amazingly forgiving but it can't go on forever without damage. I'm glad I gave up drinking in my 50s.
I suppose you are imagining a scene like in a movie where you spell out your reasons for leaving, but you really don't have to have that conversation if you don't choose to.
I'm not sure how old your AH is, but yes, alcohol abuse does eventually catch up with the A as they get older. The young body is amazingly forgiving but it can't go on forever without damage. I'm glad I gave up drinking in my 50s.
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