I feel stuck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Location: New England
Posts: 83
I feel stuck
I am feeling sad and sorry for myself this morning. I feel stuck and hopeless. My husband wasn't giving me any money to help, so I went to court for a support order, which I got. He was told to send $481 on April 15 to the child support services office. And to send $481 every week until they start garnishing his wages. Well he sent a whopping $250. I figured out pretty quickly that he wouldn't help the kids and I willingly, but I really thought with a court order he would help.... and I was wrong. I have no idea how long it's going to take them to start garnishing his wages.
I work full time but I don't make much. I currently only have about $4,000 in my accounts. My mortgage (with taxes) is $1,800 a month. And I have a car payment. I just had to pay almost $300 to the plumber because we had no heat or hot water, something with the boiler, I don't know.
I'm running out of money and I don't know what to do. I have three kids here, every bill that comes with a house, a dog- a dog that he wanted but I've been the one taking care of him since we got him. He left me with $3,500 in credit card debt that was his doing.
How could he do this to us? How can you say you love your wife and kids and they're your whole world and then wake up one morning and leave us? Then still say you'll do anything for your kids, you'll always take care of your kids, but you're not doing it.
I keep telling myself I'll figure it out, I always figure things out, but nothing comes. Even if I sell the house, I'll have to give him half the money and the rents around here are outrageous, as much as my mortgage, so I keep thinking I need to do what I can to keep the house- my mortgage won't go up but rents will. But I don't see a way to do that.
Then I think- renting out the room in the basement would be great, except my homeless sister and nephew are down there and she's not working. Maybe getting unemployment, I'm not sure. But she isn't helping financially.
I just feel so stuck. And angry. I've been homeless twice in my life with my kids and I don't want to do that again.
I want to scream at him - do you know what you have done? Do you even care? I want to go out in the garage and smash all his things that are still here. Or sell his tools because I need the money, the kids need the money. Summer is coming and I don't know how I'm supposed to even get the kids summer clothes.
I just feel so stuck. And this morning I don't know why but everything has just hit me all of a sudden. Actually coming here and writing this has helped, I'm going to call my lawyer tomorrow and find out if I can sell the tools in the garage. I don't know why I didn't think of that until now.
I work full time but I don't make much. I currently only have about $4,000 in my accounts. My mortgage (with taxes) is $1,800 a month. And I have a car payment. I just had to pay almost $300 to the plumber because we had no heat or hot water, something with the boiler, I don't know.
I'm running out of money and I don't know what to do. I have three kids here, every bill that comes with a house, a dog- a dog that he wanted but I've been the one taking care of him since we got him. He left me with $3,500 in credit card debt that was his doing.
How could he do this to us? How can you say you love your wife and kids and they're your whole world and then wake up one morning and leave us? Then still say you'll do anything for your kids, you'll always take care of your kids, but you're not doing it.
I keep telling myself I'll figure it out, I always figure things out, but nothing comes. Even if I sell the house, I'll have to give him half the money and the rents around here are outrageous, as much as my mortgage, so I keep thinking I need to do what I can to keep the house- my mortgage won't go up but rents will. But I don't see a way to do that.
Then I think- renting out the room in the basement would be great, except my homeless sister and nephew are down there and she's not working. Maybe getting unemployment, I'm not sure. But she isn't helping financially.
I just feel so stuck. And angry. I've been homeless twice in my life with my kids and I don't want to do that again.
I want to scream at him - do you know what you have done? Do you even care? I want to go out in the garage and smash all his things that are still here. Or sell his tools because I need the money, the kids need the money. Summer is coming and I don't know how I'm supposed to even get the kids summer clothes.
I just feel so stuck. And this morning I don't know why but everything has just hit me all of a sudden. Actually coming here and writing this has helped, I'm going to call my lawyer tomorrow and find out if I can sell the tools in the garage. I don't know why I didn't think of that until now.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
firecricket.......Grrr....lol....I wrote you a looong message, and my computer went out and I lost the whole thing!
Now, I will try to redo most of it, again....lol...
I have some suggestions for you to consider.
First, of course, call your lawyer and advise him/her of your current dilemma.
Then....I suggest that you go to your local County Government website, on the internet.
All county governments have free programs that help citizens and families in various ways. One such way is through "financial services" They have financial planning experts who have the knowledge behind them to assist you in what actions to take and the best ways to go about it. They also know the best ways for you to get financial assistance.
You will find phone numbers and ways to contact them.
You will find lots of social workers listed on the County Government website. Any of them will be able to direct you to the exact persons that you need to talk to.
Most people are unaware of the kinds of help that are available to them, because they have never even heard of them.
Don't be afraid or too timid to ask for help. After all, it is your tax money that goes to fund the services---so you might as well use them.
Now, I will try to redo most of it, again....lol...
I have some suggestions for you to consider.
First, of course, call your lawyer and advise him/her of your current dilemma.
Then....I suggest that you go to your local County Government website, on the internet.
All county governments have free programs that help citizens and families in various ways. One such way is through "financial services" They have financial planning experts who have the knowledge behind them to assist you in what actions to take and the best ways to go about it. They also know the best ways for you to get financial assistance.
You will find phone numbers and ways to contact them.
You will find lots of social workers listed on the County Government website. Any of them will be able to direct you to the exact persons that you need to talk to.
Most people are unaware of the kinds of help that are available to them, because they have never even heard of them.
Don't be afraid or too timid to ask for help. After all, it is your tax money that goes to fund the services---so you might as well use them.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Definitely consult with your attorney about what you can and cannot do. If the support is court - ordered, he can be found in contempt of court for not paying. If it already isn't structured to be sent automatically through the DAs office, nonpayment is enough to change that order to always be garnished, and then he will incur late fees and interest, and depending on jurisdiction, there are other consequences like losing driver's licensing.
It can be scary raising children without enough resources, especially now when prices for food and fuel keep going up. I only purchase special occasion outfits now; otherwise we use thrift stores (mine outgrow or ruin their clothing at an astonishing rate). Between my own lils and friends with children, we passed clothing back and forth, so I had a reserve of clothing boxed by size to pull out any time they changed sizes. Now that they are older, they all have small jobs, so if there's a brand or some other thing they can't live without, it's on them to buy it. I also looked for scholarships to programs, sports, and camps.
Going through everything you have and selling what you don't need can help. There's less to clean and take care of, it's freeing to let go of stuff, and it can help with your cash flow. We relied on libraries for books and music, city concerts and festivals for concerts and things to do, and parks for hiking and outings.
It's not always convenient but I rarely buy prepackaged, prepared foods. When I can I cook large meals and freeze the leftovers for a second dinner or in smaller, lunch sized servings. I've also stopped buying sodas, drinks, juices except for special occasions, and we drink water or coffee / tea (and that has improved the dentist trips). Our schools provide meals to all students regardless of income, but if you can rely on the schools for breakfast and lunch, that will help bring down your grocery bill (homeschoolers can still access nutrition services as well as school sports and clubs). We also eat vegetarian and rely on casseroles and soups which can still taste good but cost less. If you can use your local food pantry, some have really good fresh produce programs. Some communities also have community gardens for fresh produce.
Take a really hard look at where you spend money and see where you can make budget changes. I prefer to live simply, so it was not a difficult adjustment for me to cut out expenses, but it all adds up, so look at what is important to you and your family, and cut out what is not crucial.
I would say also that having your basement occupied when you could rent it out is a codependency issue in that you are enabling someone to use your resources for free. There's no harm in helping others, but at some point, they need to make an effort also, in bettering their situation and not relying on you. Encourage them to make a monthly payment for rent, utilities, and whatever else they are using. If they don't seem to be making any progress towards self - sufficiency, give them a move - out date, and they either start paying rent or be moved out by then. We all make choices; their choice to live off your resources is a choice nonetheless, and perhaps you should consider how long you're willing to enable this situation. If it bothers you, that is your intuition telling you your boundaries are not being respected, by you or them.
It can be scary raising children without enough resources, especially now when prices for food and fuel keep going up. I only purchase special occasion outfits now; otherwise we use thrift stores (mine outgrow or ruin their clothing at an astonishing rate). Between my own lils and friends with children, we passed clothing back and forth, so I had a reserve of clothing boxed by size to pull out any time they changed sizes. Now that they are older, they all have small jobs, so if there's a brand or some other thing they can't live without, it's on them to buy it. I also looked for scholarships to programs, sports, and camps.
Going through everything you have and selling what you don't need can help. There's less to clean and take care of, it's freeing to let go of stuff, and it can help with your cash flow. We relied on libraries for books and music, city concerts and festivals for concerts and things to do, and parks for hiking and outings.
It's not always convenient but I rarely buy prepackaged, prepared foods. When I can I cook large meals and freeze the leftovers for a second dinner or in smaller, lunch sized servings. I've also stopped buying sodas, drinks, juices except for special occasions, and we drink water or coffee / tea (and that has improved the dentist trips). Our schools provide meals to all students regardless of income, but if you can rely on the schools for breakfast and lunch, that will help bring down your grocery bill (homeschoolers can still access nutrition services as well as school sports and clubs). We also eat vegetarian and rely on casseroles and soups which can still taste good but cost less. If you can use your local food pantry, some have really good fresh produce programs. Some communities also have community gardens for fresh produce.
Take a really hard look at where you spend money and see where you can make budget changes. I prefer to live simply, so it was not a difficult adjustment for me to cut out expenses, but it all adds up, so look at what is important to you and your family, and cut out what is not crucial.
I would say also that having your basement occupied when you could rent it out is a codependency issue in that you are enabling someone to use your resources for free. There's no harm in helping others, but at some point, they need to make an effort also, in bettering their situation and not relying on you. Encourage them to make a monthly payment for rent, utilities, and whatever else they are using. If they don't seem to be making any progress towards self - sufficiency, give them a move - out date, and they either start paying rent or be moved out by then. We all make choices; their choice to live off your resources is a choice nonetheless, and perhaps you should consider how long you're willing to enable this situation. If it bothers you, that is your intuition telling you your boundaries are not being respected, by you or them.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
I understand your frustration! Why wouldn't you be.
So many good suggestions already. One other thing I would do is write out a budget, be brutally honest in it, but remembering that your funds are limited right now (summer clothes for instance may be from the thrift store).
The reason for this is two fold, then you have it there, in front of you and can start to figure out what you need to do, in real dollars. This might help alleviate some of your worry (kind of seems counter-intuitive, but it will).
So how do you tackle the deficit. Well there are the services dandylion and sage mentioned. I would also sit down with your Sister and explain that she will either need to kick in with rent or move, now (as in, don't leave it open ended - something more like, I will need $600.00 per month rent from you starting May 1st or you will have to move on May 1st (or 15th, whatever date suits you). She also has access to those same resources dandylion mentioned.
Eventually they will garnish his wages you know, so there is help incoming.
One other thing. Sometimes banks will give you a mortgage pause (many of them offered them early on in the pandemic), for say 6 months, this is something they can do at anytime. Alternately interest only payments for a set period - the latter doesn't help as much, but it means a few extra hundred a month for you for a set period. I would go to the bank and talk to them about this, perhaps discuss this with your lawyer as well beforehand.
You will get through this, you sound determined, just need to start thinking of how you can have funds moved around and bills lessened to get you through.
So many good suggestions already. One other thing I would do is write out a budget, be brutally honest in it, but remembering that your funds are limited right now (summer clothes for instance may be from the thrift store).
The reason for this is two fold, then you have it there, in front of you and can start to figure out what you need to do, in real dollars. This might help alleviate some of your worry (kind of seems counter-intuitive, but it will).
So how do you tackle the deficit. Well there are the services dandylion and sage mentioned. I would also sit down with your Sister and explain that she will either need to kick in with rent or move, now (as in, don't leave it open ended - something more like, I will need $600.00 per month rent from you starting May 1st or you will have to move on May 1st (or 15th, whatever date suits you). She also has access to those same resources dandylion mentioned.
Eventually they will garnish his wages you know, so there is help incoming.
One other thing. Sometimes banks will give you a mortgage pause (many of them offered them early on in the pandemic), for say 6 months, this is something they can do at anytime. Alternately interest only payments for a set period - the latter doesn't help as much, but it means a few extra hundred a month for you for a set period. I would go to the bank and talk to them about this, perhaps discuss this with your lawyer as well beforehand.
You will get through this, you sound determined, just need to start thinking of how you can have funds moved around and bills lessened to get you through.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 3
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My husband is currently in rehab for gambling and he’s been there for 20 days very cold and distant and I don’t even know if he’s wanting to work on our marriage when he’s out. He left us in a very bad financial situation and I’m trying to figure out how I will survive if we don’t. Our home is also $1800 a month. He’s make the majority of the income but dumped most of it into casinos. My heart goes out to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Location: New England
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by Shiningstar88 
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My husband is currently in rehab for gambling and he’s been there for 20 days very cold and distant and I don’t even know if he’s wanting to work on our marriage when he’s out. He left us in a very bad financial situation and I’m trying to figure out how I will survive if we don’t. Our home is also $1800 a month. He’s make the majority of the income but dumped most of it into casinos. My heart goes out to you.
I have decided I'm going to try being an Instacart shopper on the weekends. It will mean less time with the kids but I'm going to do what I have to in order to make sure my kids don't lose their home. I'm sure lots of single moms work two jobs, so what's one more?!?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Location: New England
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by trailmix
You will get through this, you sound determined, just need to start thinking of how you can have funds moved around and bills lessened to get you through.
I also decided I'm going to get a weekend job. Will mean less time with the kids and more responsibility for the 14 year old but I talked with her and we will get through this.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
