Heís trying to quit...and pretty sure heís turned into the devil - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 12-02-2019, 09:16 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Heís trying to quit...and pretty sure heís turned into the devil


So im here again. So my husband decided he needed to try and quit on his own. His plan. Well heís had plenty. Letís go to counseling which never happened. Letís do this letís do that. You need to change. Anyways. His plan was to quit cold turkey. So for 3 days heís says heís not drank anything. Last night he went to bed and woke up in a terrible cold sweat. Jerking and sweating through all every blanket he could find. I have never seen anything like this. It was awful and so scary. This went on all night. I really thought he would die. But he made it through the night. And got up this morning. And was a little irritated. But I just brushed it off. I know it has to be hard to quit and then go through withdrawals like that. He went to the laundry mat and took all the blankets and sheets and comforters he drenched and I swear when he came home. He was truly the devil. His horns came out and decided to lay into me. Then his sister and mom show up at the house and he lays into them. Then it things calm down. The kids go to bed. He starts out really nice. And then just freaking snapped on me. And goes right back into bashing. Iím a psycho bit** and I want him to fail. Iím sick in the head. I am terrible to be around. I have made him just miserable. And really I have tried to be really nice today. Cause I know he is struggling. But oh my gosh. I then I just snapped. And I layed into him. I told him he was so mean. I said he was the meanest s.o.b that had ever walked the face of the earth. And on and on. Anyways he then says heís leaving to go to the liquor store. Which is closed. But Iím assuming heís found a bar somewhere. Heís sent me some random weird messages. And Iíve not responded. But Iím so confused as to what the heck happened. Is this normal?? Is it just picking a fight to justify needing to drink?? Iím trying but this is crazy.
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Old 12-02-2019, 09:41 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Would an alcoholic pick a fight to justifying getting a drink. Absolutely!

Now he may or may not have but it doesn't take much provocation when you have only been trying to quit for 3 days and going through withdrawals from hell.

By the way, quitting cold turkey can actually be very dangerous. Should he decide to try again, you may want to strongly suggest to him that he seek the help of his GP at least if he won't agree to go to detox. If you are ever concerned, please take him to the hospital or call an ambulance.
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Old 12-02-2019, 09:59 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Would an alcoholic pick a fight to justifying getting a drink. Absolutely!

Now he may or may not have but it doesn't take much provocation when you have only been trying to quit for 3 days and going through withdrawals from hell.

By the way, quitting cold turkey can actually be very dangerous. Should he decide to try again, you may want to strongly suggest to him that he seek the help of his GP at least if he won't agree to go to detox. If you are ever concerned, please take him to the hospital or call an ambulance.



oh I have tried to get him to go numerous times. Got him lined up with detox place. Begged him to go to a dr. He did go to a dr a couple of years ago. She sent him to an endocrinologist which told him he was depressed. Which he is. And thatís as far as that went. He was going because he felt terrible all the time and was convinced his testosterone levels were low. I was really excited because i just knew they would tell him he needed to quit drinking. But Iím sure he wasnít honest.
he listens to not one word I say.
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Old 12-02-2019, 10:15 PM   #4 (permalink)
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CloweryÖÖ.trying to quit, cold turkey is very dangerous...especially for someone who has been drinking a lot for a long time.....
I have, personally, attended the detoxing of hundreds of alcoholics....
Your husband sounds like he was in extreme withdrawl...and, he could have gone into DTs (google delirium tremems)Ö.or have withdrawl seizures...or various heart emergencies, or a stroke....All of this and more is possible.
If he went to the ER or went to a private doctor, he could be given medication, under medical supervision, so that his withdrawl period would be COMFORTABLE.....
At only three days in, he still could have dangerous withdrawl symptoms....
You can be sure that he is suffering greatly. His discomfort is REAL.....more intense than a non-alcoholic can imagine!
Personally, I think that it is very unrealistic to expect him to be other than "normal"...after just 3 days of cold turkey...Ö
Of course, he is going to be miserable and extremely irritable.

I think it would be best if the kids were to stay somewhere else in this kind of withdrawl situation....seeing all the fighting is damaging to them....and,very frightening.

I am not surprised that he is going to the liquor store....withdrawl is so painful and dangerous, that most alcoholics will return to drink, just to get away from the pain...Ö
There is no need for that when there is merciful medical attention and medication that will make the alcoholic physically comfortable.....

If he should ever try this again....I suggest that y ou and the kids go elsewhere...even to a motel, if necessary. Call an ambulance....at lest, you will have covered your own medical responsibility.....
do not prevent an alcoholic in withdrawl from taking a drink, if they insist on it...as, it may be more safe for them to drink than to suffer the dangers and misery of withdrawl and no medical attention.....

Would he consider going to rehab....or, AA....or, maybe both?

If he will not....then, I suggest that you are way over your head, with him....as it will only get worse.....
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Old 12-02-2019, 10:18 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Yes, he is obviously in denial. Specifically though, withdrawal from alcohol can just be terribly uncomfortable, sometimes it can cause seizures, sometimes it can be even more serious, so just something to be aware of. He shouldn't really be left alone for the first few days.

A GP can assist him with suggestions or even drugs to help alleviate the withdrawal symptoms and make withdrawal safer.

Excuses Alcoholics Make
Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.

I'll handle it myself!

"Another nearly universal defense. The addict finally acknowledges and even believes that he has a significant problem but is adamant that he can and will deal with it by himself rather than seeking any kind of professional or support group help. Because he does not yet understand the nature of addiction he supposes that recovery is merely a matter of will power, hence that it is superfluous or even a disgrace to ask for help from others for what he ought to be able to do by himself".
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Old 12-02-2019, 10:21 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Clowery…..OH, MY! I posted without reading your last post...!
It does sound like he IS avoiding alcoholism treatment. He probably isn't ready to do so.....at lest, not yet.
My greatest concern is for your children....these kinds of experiences that they are witnessing is very damaging to them.....
They will need some help, themselves....a counselor and alateen (if they are old enough)….and AWAY from the drama and fighting and bad, irritable moods....
With this much energy going toward coping with your husband, it is draining quality time with their mother away from them.....
If they are not showing it right now...they may show it later....
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Old 12-03-2019, 08:47 AM   #7 (permalink)
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CloweryÖ..OH, MY! I posted without reading your last post...!
It does sound like he IS avoiding alcoholism treatment. He probably isn't ready to do so.....at lest, not yet.
My greatest concern is for your children....these kinds of experiences that they are witnessing is very damaging to them.....
They will need some help, themselves....a counselor and alateen (if they are old enough)Ö.and AWAY from the drama and fighting and bad, irritable moods....
With this much energy going toward coping with your husband, it is draining quality time with their mother away from them.....
If they are not showing it right now...they may show it later....
no he doesnít want any kind of help. I have really tried to do anything to help. Of course Iím just over reacting and itís not that bad and everyone is fine and happy except me. And Iím the problem. Iím always the problem. Everything is always turned around to be my fault. He is perfect and provides and takes care of everything. And if it wasnít for him we wouldnít have anything. And I will admit. He does provide. He works hard always has. He does support us. We do have nice things. But he thinks Iím so unappreciative of him because of this. Itís just so dumb. I donít understand how someone can be so smart and so incredibly dumb at the same time.
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Old 12-03-2019, 09:05 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I think it would be best if the kids were to stay somewhere else in this kind of withdrawl situation....seeing all the fighting is damaging to them....and,very frightening.


This can be a good option. Just because the kids went to bed doesn't mean they aren't hearing, feeling and experiencing all that's going on.
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Old 12-03-2019, 09:17 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Clowery,

I am sorry for the stuff you are going through with your husband. Like everyone said if he is that reliant on alcohol, quitting cold turkey is going to dangerous for him and those around him. He needs the help of other and to admit that he needs the help of others to quit.

You are not the problem and you are not at fault for his drinking. He may provide for your family, and you may have nice things, but what does it matter when he treats you terribly. You know that he is going to be irritable as he tries and detox himself. You tried to give him space to cool off, but his alcoholic brain is looking for any thing that will let him get that next drink. So he snaps at you to justify his going and getting his drink. He is thinking with an alcoholic brain. A brain that is not smart, but only after the next drink it can get. It will only get worse the more he drinks. He has to make the choice to get help. He can't due it on his own.

You can only look after yourself and you kids. Try and be strong for yourself and your kids. I hope he comes to his senses and decides to get help he needs to get rid of the devil call alcohol.
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Old 12-03-2019, 09:33 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I donít understand how someone can be so smart and so incredibly dumb at the same time.
It helped me to accept the fact that this (what you've said above) is the very nature of addiction. It works relentlessly to protect itself, even as it destroys its host. It doesn't make sense, and any effort I put into trying to understand it is fruitless.

Accepting this also helped me to not take the behavior of the addicted people in my life personally. No one was drinking AT me or BECAUSE of me. They were drinking because they are alcoholics, and their alcoholism is causing them to make bad choices and behave badly.
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Old 12-03-2019, 10:28 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Is there anywhere you could take the kids and stay for a bit? I hate to think that kids are being exposed to this. I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending you huge hugs.
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Old 12-03-2019, 10:59 AM   #12 (permalink)
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clowery…….what he is doing is called "Projection" and it is a common practice of alcoholics. They project total blame and criticism onto YOU...so, that the spotlight is off of them and they don't have to bear any responsibility for their actions. It allows them to continue to live in denial of their alcoholism....
And, it works for THEM as long as you (and others) buy that crap.

News flash-----a husband has more responsibility to the family than just financial support. They have the responsibility in the emotional state and atmosphere in the home, also. They need to be emotionally present and caring and compassionate.....and it is necessary to be an equal/supportive partner in all of the parenting activities....They need to nourish their partner and offspring.....DUH!

Do you provide financial support? Damn right you do!! If you got hit by a bus...and, he had to hire workers to do ALL that you do...he probably couldn't afford it. Just because you don't draw a paycheck, doesn't mean that you do not contribute to the financials of the family.
Think of all that you do to maintain the family and home.....they would all be lost without you.....
Receiving a paycheck, in no way, makes him more important or more valuable than you.....(though he may think so)……...
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Old 12-03-2019, 11:42 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Yes, it is typical alcoholic behaviour, unfortunately.

Excuses Alcoholics Make

Look at all I have done for you! or This is the thanks I get!

Another "guilt trip" designed to disarm or deflect criticism of addictive behavior. References to the hard work, long hours, job stress and material status of the family are common attempts to win sympathy and understanding for behavior that has become harmful to the addict and others.

I'd be OK if it weren't for you!

The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating. The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior.
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Old 12-04-2019, 07:52 AM   #14 (permalink)
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He started right back to drinking. Lasted 3 days. I know he canít do it by himself. But he refuses to find help. He said I know I have to quit. Itís either quit or die. I suggested finding a Dr to help. I said they have meds that will help you. His response is priceless. He said whatís the difference in taking meds than drinking liquor. HaHa!! Iím shocked at what comes out of his mouth. And also said that even if he quit I would find something else to bi*ch about. And heís probably right. Cause heís full of hatefullness.
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Old 12-04-2019, 08:09 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I'm sorry, clowery. His addiction has him firmly in its grip, and he is not ready to get off the train.

Now's the time to really focus on what you can do for yourself instead of what he isn't willing to do at all.
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Old 12-04-2019, 08:28 AM   #16 (permalink)
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He started right back to drinking. Lasted 3 days. I know he canít do it by himself. But he refuses to find help. He said I know I have to quit. Itís either quit or die. I suggested finding a Dr to help. I said they have meds that will help you. His response is priceless. He said whatís the difference in taking meds than drinking liquor. HaHa!! Iím shocked at what comes out of his mouth. And also said that even if he quit I would find something else to bi*ch about. And heís probably right. Cause heís full of hatefullness.
I feel this. We are in the 3 day cycle right now too and it is horrible!!! My AH will not seek treatment because he is "not like those people" and if I would just "be more......" he would be able to get sober.
I am trying to just fill the kids time with other activities right now and not be home. It's not my favorite plan but it is better than staying around for the lectures and breakdowns. My AH is not physical with me, but I am always afraid that day will come. Take care of yourself!
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Old 12-04-2019, 08:52 AM   #17 (permalink)
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My AH will not seek treatment because he is "not like those people" and if I would just "be more......" he would be able to get sober.
Unfortunately also Alcoholism 101

Excuses Alcoholics Make
Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.

I'm not nearly as bad as OTHER people!

An almost universal addictive rationalization. The addict compares himself to people who are in his opinion in far worse shape than he believes himself to be and concludes from this that there is no reason to be concerned about his own addictive behavior. Since there is always someone worse off than himself the addict feels entitled in continuing his addiction.

I'll handle it myself!

Another nearly universal defense. The addict finally acknowledges and even believes that he has a significant problem but is adamant that he can and will deal with it by himself rather than seeking any kind of professional or support group help. Because he does not yet understand the nature of addiction he supposes that recovery is merely a matter of will power, hence that it is superfluous or even a disgrace to ask for help from others for what he ought to be able to do by himself.
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Old 12-04-2019, 12:45 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Now for a little more bad news. He went to the dentist today. Our dentist does cancer screenings. And he has a place on his gums that looks like potential cancer. So they have referred him to an oral surgeon. He chews tobacco. The dentist of course told him to stop. He agreed and then told the dentist that he spends around $400 a month on liquor and tobacco. The dentist told him he needed to stop it all. And take that money and do something productive. But anyways now he has to see an oral surgeon to get his mouth looked at. Maybe this will be a blessing in disguise. Good news just keeps rolling in 🤪
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Old 12-04-2019, 02:46 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Don't expect that news of possible health issues will "make him see the light." If you've read around the forum, you've read about people with much more serious health problems than this who continue to drink.

I know it must be satisfying for you to have someone else confirm that the A is WRONG, but I fear that the dentist isn't going to be the one to change the A's (or your) life...
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Old 12-04-2019, 02:53 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Clowery, there must be something about dental appts. lately. My AH just found out at his dentist appt. his BP was high...like scary high, 223/119 and he got sent to the ER. Said he felt fine, only a slight headache.

The good: heís now on BP medication, which is helping tremendously (he still chews though)

The good/bad: all his blood test, heart ultrasound, basically the works, all came back squeaky clean. I was at least hoping/praying something would be elevated enough to warrant a warning or scare him a little, nothing serious ya know but... Nope! He literally said while being discharged ďsee Iím fine, now you can get off my backĒ (insert eye roll here)

I hope your husbands results are good too...
But please, please make sure you keep looking after yourself. It seems these things pop up and we tend to get side tracked/old habits because...well because itís what we (at least me) caregivers do.






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