The Rat Analogy

Old 01-23-2020, 06:42 PM
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The Rat Analogy

Today was a good day for me. I met with a therapist locally because her credentials mentioned co-dependency. I'd made this appointment a few weeks ago and she does 2 hour sessions and I almost cancelled it because I felt like the Al Anon group I found here was 'good enough' for me right now, but I'm so glad I didn't. I feel my mind has been opened quite a bit.

The rat analogy... during our session she encouraged me to separate my AH from the disease. And then she pulled out a hand puppet of a rat... she said think of the rat as the disease and her as my AH. They are 2 separate things, but my AH doesn't see the rat. The rat has changed the wiring in my AH's brain so that he cannot be seen, and the rat whispers to him all day telling him that alcohol is the solution to any and all problems. And until my AH accepts the fact that he has alcoholism, he will never recognize the rat that's by his side day in and day out. That when I have heart to hearts with my husband, I'm speaking to the rat. Of course he's sorry, of course he apologizes for doing something to hurt me, because the rat is telling me what I need to hear in order for him to have another chance to drink again. She also said that the rat can easily go dormant (as she puts the puppet inside her jacket) for 6 to 12 months if need be, if that's what will be necessary in order to get me to stay with him so that he has another chance to drink in the future. And that in order for the rat to 'be caged' for good, he has to work a recovery program or the rat will always be there. And that the rats cage requires physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual work in order to lock it in for good.
She said that leaving him was good and she thought that was a huge step in the right direction for me. I told her well now he gets to be in my beautiful house drinking whenever he wants while I take care of his kids hundreds of miles away. That he has the life. And she said no, that's no life at all for him. That if I give him the space needed (so no nagging, no asking questions, COMPLETELY staying out of his alcoholic business) that he will come face to face with the rat (as she turns the puppet face to face with her) and have a decision to make. He will have no one to blame but this rat in his face.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm determined to finally let go of my perceived and unreal control on the situation. And any time I want to ask him a question or check in on him for any reason related to alcohol at all, that I hop on my computer and journal away. Because those feelings will hit me like a ton of bricks. The anxiety, stress, desire to check, etc. and I need to channel that into writing.

Anyway, I've had a really ****** week. I've learned a lot this week and feel even more uncertain about my future than I have in quite some time. But that's okay. Right now I'm taking it one day at a time. Nothing I worry about tonight will have any impact on what actually happens in the future, and I need not spend the energy on it today.

I'm glad to be here, have this forum, and hopefully the rat analogy helps someone here like it helped me.
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Old 01-23-2020, 07:30 PM
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Thanks for sharing that FWN, I really like that analogy.

(the only part I might add is that even when the rat is firmly locked in the cage, he has access to a key!).

I'm glad you went too, she sounds really good and I know it has to help to make you feel a little more at ease to have this support as well.

Yes, he will do what he is going to do. You have really done all you can and more, he will either seek recovery or he won't.

I do hope that you aren't thinking of this as a crap shoot situation though. You still get to carry on with your life, make plans, be "in" your days and weeks and months, while he makes his decisions. Yes, what he does may mean the difference to having a Husband to go back to or not, but you can cross that bridge when you come to it. You don't know how you will feel about it all months down the road.

The anxiety, stress, desire to check
Do you find this waning at all now?
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Old 01-23-2020, 08:50 PM
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Thanks for telling that story from your therapist FWN. It does give another way to think about alcoholism.

I always want to think that by leaving my A, I helped him to get sober but then that is probably codependent thinking in and of itself . . . sigh . . . .this is tough stuff.
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Old 01-23-2020, 09:07 PM
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What a great way to look at it. I think I love your therapist, and also the fact that she has two hour sessions. I think it gives you a better chance to get into the meat of things instead of just about getting there, and then having her say time's up.
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Old 01-24-2020, 05:37 AM
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I like that analogy, I have a thing for analogies.......

I would say we have a rat too, and it's dressed up like hope, denial,
and I can fix this......

Life is very dysfunctional, chaotic, and unhealthy when
the rats are in charge....
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Old 01-24-2020, 06:04 AM
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Thanks for sharing that analogy. I can totally envision that discussion and see how true it rings for what's happening in our crazy worlds. I've often said that I didn't feel like I was talking with my AH. It was a stranger (the Rat).

I'm trying real hard to detach from my AH. I told him that I was done with the criticisms, talking to him about his drinking, and trying to control (help?) him. I'm taking a step back from our marriage and am going to try real hard to detach.
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Old 01-24-2020, 06:10 AM
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The "Rat" is what I have heard called, in AA recovery circles, as the "alcoholic voice"......which whispers to the alcoholic 24/7...…..
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Old 01-24-2020, 06:42 AM
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FWN

If you can find an article in the stickies??? I think ... Called the in-between ..... In might be worth a read. It helped me a lot when I first left my home and could not see my future.
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Old 01-24-2020, 08:21 AM
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Mine would never accept the notion of her addictive voices (yes plural) being rats. She loves those voices. They are her closest & most comfortable friends for many many years. She is still being seduced today by her inner addictive voices. They are talking to her & she is responding.

I think she would say I became the rat. Rat face, rat voice, rat words which she does not want to hear. She never wanted to hear the truth from me.

I like this rat analogy very much though. Makes sense to me. Never heard it before.

BTW 2020 is the Chinese year of the rat.
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Old 01-24-2020, 03:55 PM
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Thanks

Thanks for this. I just found this forum last weekend. My A (I have to look up abbreviations) has been gone a week. I read through the posts nightly and have found yours particularly helpful.

I am working on not making contact. He texted me last night and it was hard not to respond because I thought he would be sad and drink if I didn’t respond. Luckily, this forum had made me realize that I am a codependent...like,to the T! So, I stopped and asked myself if I really wanted to respond. The answer was NO. So with some guilt, I didn’t. It’s been about 24 hours!

Thank you!
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Old 01-24-2020, 04:53 PM
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Hi 2020 and welcome, I'm really glad you have been reading around and find it helpful.

I hope you too will start a thread so we can lend you some support.
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