Are there happy endings /success stories of AH's recovering and staying sober?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 15
Are there happy endings /success stories of AH's recovering and staying sober?
My husband and I have been separated for the past 2.5 months while he works on his sobriety/recovery. We are starting to spend more time together as a family (we have three young children). I would love to hear some success stories.. I just need a reminder that we might come out the other end of all of this better than where we started. I'm preparing myself for either outcome but today.. I just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 83
My husband was a firefighter when we married and didn't drink. He told me it was he side he wanted to be fit. Fast forward to a year after our marriage. He started drinking and revealed to me he was a recovering alcoholic. Long story short he ended up losing his job, committing arson and going to prison. He came out dry but not sober. However after several other relapses he "got it" as they say and he's been sober for 6 years, is the best father I know and in perfect health. The secret is AA. He still goes to at least one or two meetings every single day and talks to his sponsor every day. I know you can't tell someone to go to AA and such but just saying that that is the key. I wish you well!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
@4thegirls - thank you for sharing your story!!!!! <3
This is not my success story, but there is a man in my town that is on television and goes to AA. He's pretty candid with his sobriety. He still attends meetings every day and even hosts them. He's been sober 20+ years, I believe, and he didn't lose his wife. I have heard other success stories like that, but they were all in AA, being told by AA members with years of sobriety under their belts and who are STILL attending AA.
With all my being I don't want to lose my husband, but there does come a time with a LOT of us spouses where we have to let the disease win to save ourselves and sometimes our children as well. I would gauge a lot on how willing your husband is to seek help and get better. You can absolutely tell the tree by its fruit.
I'll hope along with you, Hope4chng. I'm all about a happy ending. Please keep coming back. We're all in this boat, even if it makes us sea-sick. (hugs)
This is not my success story, but there is a man in my town that is on television and goes to AA. He's pretty candid with his sobriety. He still attends meetings every day and even hosts them. He's been sober 20+ years, I believe, and he didn't lose his wife. I have heard other success stories like that, but they were all in AA, being told by AA members with years of sobriety under their belts and who are STILL attending AA.
With all my being I don't want to lose my husband, but there does come a time with a LOT of us spouses where we have to let the disease win to save ourselves and sometimes our children as well. I would gauge a lot on how willing your husband is to seek help and get better. You can absolutely tell the tree by its fruit.
I'll hope along with you, Hope4chng. I'm all about a happy ending. Please keep coming back. We're all in this boat, even if it makes us sea-sick. (hugs)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,968
Bill Wilson, one of the founders of AA, maintained his marriage to his wife, Lois. Although, I believe it was pretty rough for both of them at one time or another.
It can truly happen Hope4chng. Many of us here see simply rescuing one life, our own, from being destroyed by alcoholism as success.
It can truly happen Hope4chng. Many of us here see simply rescuing one life, our own, from being destroyed by alcoholism as success.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
I'm widowed. When I was dating I met someone who said he was 35 years sober. He wasn't my type, and I wasn't going to take the chance, but it's possible.
In another post, I wrote of my lying, thieving, philandering colleague. He stopped by to visit us a couple years ago. (Paid off the money he stole from Boss with a inheritance when someone died.) From all appearances, he has continued to abstain. Paying off that money may mean he understands the concepts behind maturity (and sobriety, and character) , instead of just giving lip service to it. It's probably been 15 or 20 years for him.
In another post, I wrote of my lying, thieving, philandering colleague. He stopped by to visit us a couple years ago. (Paid off the money he stole from Boss with a inheritance when someone died.) From all appearances, he has continued to abstain. Paying off that money may mean he understands the concepts behind maturity (and sobriety, and character) , instead of just giving lip service to it. It's probably been 15 or 20 years for him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,968
Originally Posted by Eauchiche 
I believe there are many success stories, but we rarely hear about them on these pages.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
As you can imagine, this topic comes up here A LOT. If you use the search feature you will find dozens of threads about the topic.
Success can mean different things. My idea of success has certainly changed.
I know you are asking about people being able to save their marriage/relationship after having it devastated by addiction (and likely codependence) Of course it can happen when the two people involved are both willing to forgive and work extremely hard at repairing the damage they both did. Regaining trust is probably the catalyst most of us struggle(d) with.
I know a single couple who came back from the brink and made a happy life.
I know a LOT of people who live together in marriages despite addiction and count it as a success because they have been married a long time...even though they aren't happy. This group includes my own parents, paternal grandparents, and numerous other family members.
I know people who divorced and then, over time, either remained single or married other people they were more compatible with and go on to lead happy lives.
I was with my AXH for 26 years, 20 of those years were mostly happy, the last 6 were a progressive demise of the relationship due to alcoholism and codependence. I'd say we were a success for 20 years because in that time good out weighed the bad. When the balance tipped, we were no longer in what I would call a successful union.
For me, being happy and healthy is living a successful life...SO... IF two people share the same vision of what that means, I am sure they can have a successful marriage.
Unfortunately, my AXH and I didn't share the same vision.
Fortunately, my new husband and I do.
Success can mean different things. My idea of success has certainly changed.
I know you are asking about people being able to save their marriage/relationship after having it devastated by addiction (and likely codependence) Of course it can happen when the two people involved are both willing to forgive and work extremely hard at repairing the damage they both did. Regaining trust is probably the catalyst most of us struggle(d) with.
I know a single couple who came back from the brink and made a happy life.
I know a LOT of people who live together in marriages despite addiction and count it as a success because they have been married a long time...even though they aren't happy. This group includes my own parents, paternal grandparents, and numerous other family members.
I know people who divorced and then, over time, either remained single or married other people they were more compatible with and go on to lead happy lives.
I was with my AXH for 26 years, 20 of those years were mostly happy, the last 6 were a progressive demise of the relationship due to alcoholism and codependence. I'd say we were a success for 20 years because in that time good out weighed the bad. When the balance tipped, we were no longer in what I would call a successful union.
For me, being happy and healthy is living a successful life...SO... IF two people share the same vision of what that means, I am sure they can have a successful marriage.
Unfortunately, my AXH and I didn't share the same vision.
Fortunately, my new husband and I do.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 37
Like SBM said, success is defined differently for everyone.
In Al-Anon and in AA Speaker Meetings I have heard success stories like you are looking for, partners sticking it out and getting through it, coming out on the other side stronger and healthier. It seems to me that it takes both people committing to their own recovery and working very hard at it every single day. I think relationships are hard enough and adding in addiction or alcoholism is just more than most can take. The stories are out there, I just don't think they are the norm.
For an A to stay sober is a day to day challenge. I thought my ex was a success story and maybe he will be, but we will not.
He got sober, embraced recovery and became one of the most amazing men I had ever met. Giving, loving, encouraging, thoughtful, compassionate and incredibly intelligent. He stayed sober for 9 years. (we met when he was already sober, I had not met the using version of him) Then he relapsed. Before that I would have considered him a success story. He continued to struggle with getting sober for 6 years and today is now 9 months sober. Our relationship did not survive. I know that is not the happy ending you are looking for, but it is the truth. At 9 years sober you kind of forget that it can change in an instant. So what is a success today, may not continue to be. The disease is always there waiting.
Sorry for being a downer, just want to be honest about my experience.
In Al-Anon and in AA Speaker Meetings I have heard success stories like you are looking for, partners sticking it out and getting through it, coming out on the other side stronger and healthier. It seems to me that it takes both people committing to their own recovery and working very hard at it every single day. I think relationships are hard enough and adding in addiction or alcoholism is just more than most can take. The stories are out there, I just don't think they are the norm.
For an A to stay sober is a day to day challenge. I thought my ex was a success story and maybe he will be, but we will not.
He got sober, embraced recovery and became one of the most amazing men I had ever met. Giving, loving, encouraging, thoughtful, compassionate and incredibly intelligent. He stayed sober for 9 years. (we met when he was already sober, I had not met the using version of him) Then he relapsed. Before that I would have considered him a success story. He continued to struggle with getting sober for 6 years and today is now 9 months sober. Our relationship did not survive. I know that is not the happy ending you are looking for, but it is the truth. At 9 years sober you kind of forget that it can change in an instant. So what is a success today, may not continue to be. The disease is always there waiting.
Sorry for being a downer, just want to be honest about my experience.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
I have 15 years of recovery and my wife and I are still together. Our marriage has never been better. It took work, on both our parts, but today there is no question that it has been worth it. Best friends, lovers, enjoying growing older together hand in hand. Wouldn't change a thing. The bliss of today trumps the pain of yesterday.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by LostinLB
Like SBM said, success is defined differently for everyone.
In Al-Anon and in AA Speaker Meetings I have heard success stories like you are looking for, partners sticking it out and getting through it, coming out on the other side stronger and healthier. It seems to me that it takes both people committing to their own recovery and working very hard at it every single day. I think relationships are hard enough and adding in addiction or alcoholism is just more than most can take. The stories are out there, I just don't think they are the norm.
For an A to stay sober is a day to day challenge. I thought my ex was a success story and maybe he will be, but we will not.
He got sober, embraced recovery and became one of the most amazing men I had ever met. Giving, loving, encouraging, thoughtful, compassionate and incredibly intelligent. He stayed sober for 9 years. (we met when he was already sober, I had not met the using version of him) Then he relapsed. Before that I would have considered him a success story. He continued to struggle with getting sober for 6 years and today is now 9 months sober. Our relationship did not survive. I know that is not the happy ending you are looking for, but it is the truth. At 9 years sober you kind of forget that it can change in an instant. So what is a success today, may not continue to be. The disease is always there waiting.
Sorry for being a downer, just want to be honest about my experience.
In Al-Anon and in AA Speaker Meetings I have heard success stories like you are looking for, partners sticking it out and getting through it, coming out on the other side stronger and healthier. It seems to me that it takes both people committing to their own recovery and working very hard at it every single day. I think relationships are hard enough and adding in addiction or alcoholism is just more than most can take. The stories are out there, I just don't think they are the norm.
For an A to stay sober is a day to day challenge. I thought my ex was a success story and maybe he will be, but we will not.
He got sober, embraced recovery and became one of the most amazing men I had ever met. Giving, loving, encouraging, thoughtful, compassionate and incredibly intelligent. He stayed sober for 9 years. (we met when he was already sober, I had not met the using version of him) Then he relapsed. Before that I would have considered him a success story. He continued to struggle with getting sober for 6 years and today is now 9 months sober. Our relationship did not survive. I know that is not the happy ending you are looking for, but it is the truth. At 9 years sober you kind of forget that it can change in an instant. So what is a success today, may not continue to be. The disease is always there waiting.
Sorry for being a downer, just want to be honest about my experience.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by nez
I have 15 years of recovery and my wife and I are still together. Our marriage has never been better. It took work, on both our parts, but today there is no question that it has been worth it. Best friends, lovers, enjoying growing older together hand in hand. Wouldn't change a thing. The bliss of today trumps the pain of yesterday.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hope, it's common for newbies here to want to hear success stories where the A gets sober and everyone lives happily ever after. However, as others have said, it seems that those stories are few and far between, and they involve BOTH parties working very hard on themselves as well as the relationship.
I will post a link to another kind of "success story." While some fit your stated definition of success, others don't. Nevertheless, I don't think it can do any harm for you to keep an open mind about the many directions that recovery, or the lack of it, can take.
In my situation, I couldn't believe that XAH wouldn't choose sobriety , felt that surely he'd see the light, but in the end, that's not what happened, and I became one of these alternate success stories myself.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...s-stories.html (Success stories?)
I will post a link to another kind of "success story." While some fit your stated definition of success, others don't. Nevertheless, I don't think it can do any harm for you to keep an open mind about the many directions that recovery, or the lack of it, can take.
In my situation, I couldn't believe that XAH wouldn't choose sobriety , felt that surely he'd see the light, but in the end, that's not what happened, and I became one of these alternate success stories myself.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...s-stories.html (Success stories?)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
Originally Posted by Hope4chng
I would love to hear some success stories.. I just need a reminder that we might come out the other end of all of this better than where we started. I'm preparing myself for either outcome but today.. I just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Are we better than we started? I would say we are wiser. Both of us gained some weight. We are now in our 40s, not as young or thin as before. My husband is still attracted to me. It is like we grew old together.
Was there a light at the end of the tunnel? It was like you are not revolving around it any more. You see that person for who they are. It is nice to be able to trust him again and be able to say I Love you and not hold back.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by Hope4chng
Thank you for sharing! Any advice for rebuilding trust?
This is something most need support and direction in, usually from someone ahead of them in recovery (I.e. a sponsor if in AA).
Thing is, this is something that the A needs to instigate.
Also, it is easier to trust when we have safe boundaries of our own, and that is where AlAnon comes in for a lit of partners of As.
BB
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My own qualifier does not have a success story, however, in Celebrate Recovery I have heard several. There is one man who stands out, he did not "get" it until he was at his lowest, in jail, on the verge of suicide. He now runs a CR program, and has an amazing family and group of friends. I admire him very much.
It's all about your commitment to recovery. It takes work. Every day. Forever. It's a huge commitment not many are willing to make, but for the ones who do, it can be an amazing journey.
As far as trust, it can only be built with commitment and time. Only you can decide if you can wait, and take the risks of being with an addict for life.
Big hugs.
It's all about your commitment to recovery. It takes work. Every day. Forever. It's a huge commitment not many are willing to make, but for the ones who do, it can be an amazing journey.
As far as trust, it can only be built with commitment and time. Only you can decide if you can wait, and take the risks of being with an addict for life.
Big hugs.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
This journey I have been on with my husband has led me in a lot of directions and I believe there are a lot of success stories - however - I think the majority of people want to go back to normal life and they just dont talk about it a lot. There is still a lot of shame associated with substance abuse issues, even if a person overcomes the problem.
I would say members of AA are the exception as they seem to reach out more and share their stories of being "in recovery". But this absolutely doesnt mean success is only found by using this technique.
I do like reading from Newcomers and other sections on this site. Mostly its people working on quitting and rebuilding their lives. A lot of very powerful shares and stories. It been overall very helpful and I think has given me added compassion for what my husband has gone through. Its also shown me a lot of people are really concerned about their spouses, kids, careers. The desire for recovery comes from within but its influenced by so many factors. I love reading about the goals and dreams that are part of the mix.
My husband is doing really well, but its been less than 2 years. He was in horrible shape with the dual issue of drugs and alcohol. Therapy is what helped him stop, and work on a lot of underlying emotional issues that he admittedly really needed to deal with in order to heal.
Rebuilding trust for us has been a priority. It happens slowly and first thing that had to happen was some calm from the storm where emotions could settle. Making time to talk and reconnect, share thoughts and feelings, family therapy was SO helpful. Not expecting perfection from my husband but seeing a progression of his just feeling better, being more part of things, the priority he placed on things, seeing him focus on healthy things. Being able to listen to my feelings and acknowledge them. My knowing he understood and took responsibility for things that happened. But I also had to remember its really hard to move forward if I live in the past. What happened cant be changed and living in it wouldnt really let me live.
I get scared too about a relapse. But I also think I have a good understanding thanks to therapy that a relapse doesnt mean anything specific. It doesnt mean the wheels will all fall off, everything gained will be lost. It happens and its why the medical profession calls addiction a relapsing condition. BUT I think the key is to have pillars of support for both of us. Doctors, therapists, friends, family, support groups if one chooses. Our therapist suggested we talk about it, even make a written plan as a family. I think it shouldnt be taboo to talk about the possibility of a relapse. It shouldnt be synonymous with failure, shame. Those are the kind of things that make people want to hide it and not seek help. Even family members. I was ashamed to tell my family what was going on initially and a lot of it was due to stigma.
Maybe TMI but you brought up a lot of things that I really relate to.
I would say members of AA are the exception as they seem to reach out more and share their stories of being "in recovery". But this absolutely doesnt mean success is only found by using this technique.
I do like reading from Newcomers and other sections on this site. Mostly its people working on quitting and rebuilding their lives. A lot of very powerful shares and stories. It been overall very helpful and I think has given me added compassion for what my husband has gone through. Its also shown me a lot of people are really concerned about their spouses, kids, careers. The desire for recovery comes from within but its influenced by so many factors. I love reading about the goals and dreams that are part of the mix.
My husband is doing really well, but its been less than 2 years. He was in horrible shape with the dual issue of drugs and alcohol. Therapy is what helped him stop, and work on a lot of underlying emotional issues that he admittedly really needed to deal with in order to heal.
Rebuilding trust for us has been a priority. It happens slowly and first thing that had to happen was some calm from the storm where emotions could settle. Making time to talk and reconnect, share thoughts and feelings, family therapy was SO helpful. Not expecting perfection from my husband but seeing a progression of his just feeling better, being more part of things, the priority he placed on things, seeing him focus on healthy things. Being able to listen to my feelings and acknowledge them. My knowing he understood and took responsibility for things that happened. But I also had to remember its really hard to move forward if I live in the past. What happened cant be changed and living in it wouldnt really let me live.
I get scared too about a relapse. But I also think I have a good understanding thanks to therapy that a relapse doesnt mean anything specific. It doesnt mean the wheels will all fall off, everything gained will be lost. It happens and its why the medical profession calls addiction a relapsing condition. BUT I think the key is to have pillars of support for both of us. Doctors, therapists, friends, family, support groups if one chooses. Our therapist suggested we talk about it, even make a written plan as a family. I think it shouldnt be taboo to talk about the possibility of a relapse. It shouldnt be synonymous with failure, shame. Those are the kind of things that make people want to hide it and not seek help. Even family members. I was ashamed to tell my family what was going on initially and a lot of it was due to stigma.
Maybe TMI but you brought up a lot of things that I really relate to.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
