I took my first step moving forward

Old 12-16-2019, 05:35 AM
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I took my first step moving forward

I think I’m through trying to understand or asking why.
Somedays I still need to vent to feel better. There is still a painful feeling sitting on my chest.

when XAF broke up he went out with someone else two days later. They are still together. When I found out my heart broke a little some more. I found letters he wrote to me just days before the break up, how many promises. “Please don’t leave me, you mean everything to me, I need you. I will look for help, let’s go to counseling. Blah blah blah” and the same week he broke up.

I thought I was doing good, but this week after work I went to my hotel, and while walking the hallway I had a panic attack. I got to my room and broke down in tears, I was honest to myself and said out loud how I feel about the A. I don’t like him but yet I love him. We had plans, and although none of them worked out... now someone else gets to live the life I planed with him? Is he going to change now? Does she deserve better than I do? Is she going to behave better than I did? Is she going to be better than I was? Is he going to give her the children I wanted but I couldn’t have since I am always traveling because of work? Is she going to give up her career and let him take care of her? What if I had accepted all the nice things he was offering?

What was I doing in that relationship when 3 years ago I knew it wouldn’t work?! I knew we would break up, honestly I even expected a divorce after a couple years of giving him many other chances to fix his problem and fail.

I think I’m shifting the focus to myself and I finally stoped being too proud, so I went down on my knees and prayed to a Higher Power. I said everything I was feeling and how embarrassed I was for having these feelings and not being able to tell them to someone. I asked for guidance and I had answers. Yesterday all day long everything spoke to me, every person I talked to, every thing I read, i quiet my mind and answers came to me.

I came across this book: So you love an ... alcoholic? by Grace W. Wroldson ..... it speaks to me so much. So many things became clear.

I found so many good articles here, everything was exactly what I need to understand and accept that no matter what I have done, nothing would change. I watched his disease progress. I know he needs help, I wanted to love him.... but how can I love him without being emotionally affected and still be emotionally available to him?

I think i am ready to stop blaming him. He told me many times he knew what he was doing to our relationship ... but he can’t control himself either. I prayed for him. I feel so bad for him. I can understand now the pain he caused me, he might be feeling it ten times worse, and that is why alcohol is part of his life.


I found this yesterday, and gave me some comfort ...
“Recovery first it gets better,
Then it gets worse,
Than it gets Real,
Then it gets real different!”

I think I am facing “then it gets real”. I can’t wait for this nightmare to be over. I’m so thankful I found this website. I’m still attending Al-anon, but always thought this group here helped more. The thing is that here I get to vent as much as I want to and read similar stories which I think was much needed. I would get angry after leaving Al-anon meetings because most of people there had their A waiting for them at home, and I didn’t have mine anymore and I wanted him back even tho I didnt want to be around him. I Realized what is Al-anon all about and I think I am ready to work the Al-anon program. Is about me and not the A. Wow it took me a while!

Although the pain still sits in my chest, I feel at peace.
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Old 12-16-2019, 05:44 AM
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Dear Nara
So glad you joined us, but so sorry for what brings you here.
If you work your program, you will eventually learn to spot alcoholics and others incapable of a committed relationship, and avoid them.
It takes a lot of hard work, support from others and a lot of pain to get there.
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Old 12-16-2019, 11:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Nara View Post
He told me many times he knew what he was doing to our relationship ... but he can’t control himself either. I prayed for him. I feel so bad for him. I can understand now the pain he caused me, he might be feeling it ten times worse, and that is why alcohol is part of his life.
Nara, I'm so glad to hear you are feeling some peace now! I understand feeling bad for him, you are a compassionate person. Maybe have some for him but much, much more for yourself?

Yes, it will get better and better. Don't be surprised if you have a day here and there where you feel like you going backwards, not forward, that's normal. But you are moving forward now.

What you said here:

but how can I love him without being emotionally affected and still be emotionally available to him?
This is so very true I think. You aren't as <insert complaint here, affectionate, nice, etc etc> as you used to be! You never want to come over or do this or that.

Umm well, no. A person can only take so much. You find yourself protecting yourself more and more.

Alcoholics (by and large) are not stupid, they are just - drinkers. They know when the writing is on the wall. They know when their behaviour is pushing you away (as he stated about his behaviour), be that the drinking or the emotional abuse or a combo. They may well end it before you do - to save themselves and as an ego thing.

After all they are looking out for the second most important thing in their lives (themselves).

My Father started seeing someone else before my Mom had even moved out of the house, months before. If I remember correctly she even came over a few times. Not that my Mom cared one bit at that point, she had been done with it all for years.

Some people just need to have that other person there, regardless of circumstances. You mention they are still together, it's been what, less than 3 months? Unless she is an alcoholic too (or drinks a lot) she hasn't had the experience of seeing him at his finest when it all becomes too much, when he is asked to tone it down. Relationships cannot progress in that environment.

Anyway, again, I am so glad you are feeling a little better and attending Al-Anon.

You know, so many are caught off guard by the alcoholic leaving. It's important to remember that someone who can't share their feelings with you means they are somewhat unpredictable. Kind of always need to have your bag packed.

Referring to Anvilhead's not putting the stakes in too deep, that should also apply to the partner's of alcoholics. Always have the hefty bag handy and ready to pack.
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Old 12-16-2019, 12:19 PM
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He only hooked up with her to prove to himself that he wasn't the problem. I think that love bombing someone else on the rebound is another form of behaviour to cover up real feelings of rejection.
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Old 12-16-2019, 02:32 PM
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Was just walking along and was wondering why my bag was so heavy. I found a 1/2 bottle of wine in there someone had given to me yesterday as a gift. If I gave it away, it wouldn't weigh me down anymore. How very ironic.
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Old 12-16-2019, 04:52 PM
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Hi Nara-

I understand that pain, it does bring a person to their knees. I think for other, maybe more disordered people, it makes them reach out to have someone else fill the hole of need, if you will.

This happened to me. My ex husband. He was engaged a few weeks after our divorce, wife number four. For all I know, he is on wife number five now. It was extraordinarly painful when I found out, but now? I thank my lucky stars for that woman he married. Because of her, he left me alone, permanently.

Please be glad you are no longer just fulfilling his needs and not your own.

E
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