mnjen

Hi all,

I am an alcoholic who is married to an alcoholic. I am trying really hard to stay sober. My pattern seems to be that I can go 4 - 6 weeks, and then I decide to take a night off and drink with my husband. When I do, I become very sick for days afterwards. This pattern has got to stop. I know I can never drink alcohol safely again. Ever.

Both of us have gone almost 3 weeks without drinking recently, and for me it has been really nice. There hasn't been any alcohol in the house. I haven't been tempted to drink. He has not been annoying and irritating to be around. There has been peace for me for the first time in a long time.

He bought a bottle a few days ago and has been drinking again. He says he will be done when this bottle is gone, but I've heard that many times before so I'm not counting on this to actually happen. Since our brief sober stretch, I am suddenly very aware that when he's drinking, it is triggering for me. It makes me want to drink to.

Is it fair of me to ban alcohol from my house, at least until I feel stronger in my own sobriety? It's his house too, and I'm the one that has a "problem" (actually we both have the same problem, I want to fix it and he doesn't). I'm pretty sure he would comply with this, however it will cause him to drink at the bar which will result in him driving home drunk on a regular basis :-(
I'm torn between letting him drink "safely" at home, and doing what I need to do to maintain my own sobriety.
Feel like I'm stuck between rock & hard place.

trailmix

It feels like it because you are. Neither choice is good.

Subjecting the world to your Husband while he drinks and drives would be a bad choice for several reasons. Aside from the hugely obvious of putting innocent people at risk, have you thought of the financial risk you put yourself in should he have an accident?

As for the second choice, he is an adult person and has the right to drink if he so wishes. You live together so neither's "right" over-rule the other persons, true? He doesn't have a problem with his drinking - you do.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it.

So yes, rock and a hard place.

Have you considered living elsewhere while you get well in to recovery, perhaps staying with family or friends? Alternately is there a place at your house you could make your own space? Have your own computer setup, TV, bed etc so you can stay in there when he does drink?

August252015

My $0.02. Yes, it is fair if it is part of what you need, right now. Saying that, it's also a discussion that both of you need to agree on and honor. Many couples go thru a "battle" with this.

As said above, you can't make or fix or truly affect him getting sober, the last one possibly in time and by example not exhortation or such.

soberbythesea

wildflower70

I would have a serious heart to heart conversation with your partner. Maybe explain how the alcohol is not only keeping you from living up to your full potential, but it is also creating negativity in the relationship. If your partner is willing to drink and drive, I will go ahead and assume they also have a problem with drinking. I have no problem putting my sobriety above anything else. Job, relationships......anything.

Wishing you well on this journey

wildflower70

He doesn't have a problem with his drinking - you do.

Anyone willing to drink and drive does have a problem with drinking.

SparkleKitty

Whether it's fair or not is kind of irrelevant since it's his house too and totally unenforcable.

Is there somewhere in the house that is separate enough that you can go there when he is drinking so as to not have to suffer through his behavior? If there isn't, can you make one? A nook (with a door, and preferably a lock!) that is just for you and decked out with whatever you need to make you happy?

It's important to separate your sobriety from his drinking. But he's an adult who gets to make his own choices. Learning to separate yourself from the consequences of his decisions is the first step towards building and maintaining healthy boundaries. Boundaries trump rules any day of the week because the enforcing of them is entirely in your control.

HardLessons

Banning alcohol from the house wont stop him from drinking if he wants to drink. He will drink - hes an alcoholic.

I remember reading a study online of addicted couples who live together where one wants to stop and seek recovery & the other does not want to stop. Statistically only very small percentage of those wanting to stop was able to do It long term. Continued drug use by the other partner was a huge trigger & contributing factor in relapse.

I tried banning drug use & illegal activity from the house I bought for her to live in. Was all clearly spelled out in an agreement which I had written up by a real estate attorney. My attorney strongly advised having such an agreement in place - just in case. At the time, I wasn't even thinking it could possibly be a problem. Didn't know then she was an addict.

Her & I both met with the attorney & he explained the agreement. She asked questions. Then we both signed off no problem. Later on - Yes turned into a total circus.

AnvilheadII

I'm torn between letting him drink "safely" at home, and doing what I need to do to maintain my own sobriety.

there are two entirely different issues in the above statement.
first off, you are not LETTING him do anything - he does not ask for your permission to drink, nor is that a control you should have or exert.

second, doing what YOU need to do for your sobriety is only as affected by his (or anyone else's drinking) as you allow it to be.

i get it - having an alcohol free home is a worthy endeavor - however you share this home with another person who has autonomy. if you ask him to please not bring alcohol into the home and consume it, he can agree.....or not. and should he agree, he gets to decide if he will go elsewhere to consume booze. that is HIS choice. not yours.

you also can decide to choose to truly live in an alcohol free home....somewhere else.

is that drastic? perhaps. but it IS your sobriety to defend and protect.
alcohol isn't going anywhere. it will be in every store you shop for groceries, every convenience store, gas station and restaurant. others will continue to drink whether you do so or not.

what can you do to reinforce your decision to not drink? what do you do to support your recovery? what more could you do?

trailmix

"He doesn't have a problem with his drinking - you do".

Hey wildflower - just want to make sure you know, in no way am I supporting drunk driving lol

Still stand by what I said, her husband does not have problem with his drinking (ie: he is good with himself).

I wasn't saying that he doesn't have a drinking problem.

Sasha1972

Your husband can drive drunk (and possibly is even now driving drunk) whether or not you ban alcohol from your home. Lots of alcoholics have houses full of bottles and still get DUIs. This is because they think "no one will notice" or "I can handle this" or they don't even think at all about what they're doing, not because they need to drive somewhere to get access to their booze. If someone thinks that getting behind the wheel while hammered is okay, they won't refrain from that behaviour no matter what the alcohol situation is in their home.

In other words: if your husband is likely to drive home drunk from the bar where he's been drinking because you said no booze in the house, I would bet that he's equally likely to drive drunk under other conditions, or just to drive drunk period full stop. So please don't let that stop you from doing what you need to do to stay sober.

mnjen

This is totally it. I know that me staying sober has nothing to do with him drinking, and I will never tell him what to do. My brain knows this, but my emotions sometimes get confused. I honestly don't care if he drinks, it just makes it difficult for me to be around him. In fact, I don't want anything to do with him when he drinks because it makes him needy, clingy and not very smart.
Sounds like I've got more work to do with my personal boundaries.
My boundaries are totally within my control to enforce - this makes a lot of sense and is something that I can work with!!

Thank you all for your wise replies!

dandylion

mnjen…….I can feel how your are torn. I imagine you must have thought iof all of the down sides of drunk driving....and there are lots....that can have a tragic impact on both of your lives....financial disasters, loss of life and limb, possible jail time (from DUIs)….

Of course, your own sobriety will need to be your first priority...because alcoholism will just take your own life down.....eventually....
I realize that you are just now, really facing the realities of alcoholism in your marriage....
And, while you may not be ready to make any decisions, right now....I suggest that you think about moving to a sober living place, for yourself.....You can't control him, in the end...BUT you can control yourself and protect your own life....
You don't have to stop loving him, or stop being married....but you can put some distance between your self and his alcoholism.....
And, if you are enabling him, in any way....you can stop that, also.....

Often, we can feel like there are no options...but, usually, it is that there are options that we don't like.....

You are going to need lots of support.....AA and your sponsor....and discussions with a lawyer, of course. You will need some legal protections for yourself.....
Alanon would be a good support for you, also.....you would be called a "double winner"....lol.....

Brightlight2015

That sounds like a tough thing to go through. Congratulations on your continued efforts for sobriety! I wasnt a problem drinker, but living with one made me stop drinking altogether. Is there a certain time he drinks? While inconvenient at times, is there a yoga class or book group or something you could do a couple of times a week to get out? Or maybe invest in an instrument (I have an electric piano I can use headphones with) and pick up a new hobby. Finding new things to do with your time is something you would have to do whether your husband was a part of this story or not. 💞💞

August252015

Boundaries are tough. Sometimes what seems "extreme" turns out to be very wise advice from others and often a lot more easily do-able than it appears at first.

A literal suggestion like simply leaving the house if he starts to drink is always an option. Saying "no" to anything at all that bothers you in any way is always an option.

In early sobriety in particular- note, I considered that to be a good while, though the intensity lessened as I went into year 2 and slowly eased any "absolutes" needed - being selfish to keep sober is not only ok but often critical.

bigsombrero

The OP wrote "we both have a problem: I want to fix it, he doesn't". Sounds like the OP's partner has a major issue and is struggling with staying sober and really interfering with the progress the OP was making.

I'm not sure if some people who responded read the whole post.

I'd ban alcohol from the house, for sure. Not "for a while" and not "just for a couple months", etc. This needs to be a firm rule with no strings attached. If he can't abide then I am guessing more drastic measures should be considered.

SparkleKitty

Seren

Hello mnjen,

Congratulations on your sobriety! That's an amazing accomplishment!

An alcohol-free home would be ideal in this situation. However, even if you put down that law, your partner would find some way to drink behind your back if he is not done drinking. He would still be drunk in your presence on a regular basis unless and until he decides to stop.

Believe me...those of us who have said "no alcohol in this house" have found that the active alcoholics in our lives will simply hide the alcohol--in their cars, garage, basement, hamper, bathroom cabinet, under the bed, etc.

I don't really have a good suggestion as an alternative, but I just hope you understand that banning alcohol from a home with an active alcoholic in it will not stop the alcoholic from drinking. YMMV

bigsombrero

Clearly not everyone read the whole post, Sparklekitty.

And if someone is trying to get sober, they absolutely have the right to say "no alcohol in the house". If a couple has a new baby, the wife can absolutely tell the husband "no more loud parties in the basement". A husband can tell his wife "no more shopping sprees" if they are saving for a major purchase like a house or car. If a child has a nut allergy, parents can say "no more peanut butter in the house" and make that sacrifice. Even if they themselves like peanut butter.

Married couples and partners should absolutely be able to work together and compromise for each other. These are not roommates in a dorm. This is a married couple and she shouldn't need to "enforce" anything. She has needs and goals and they should be respected. She certainly has the right to ban alcohol in her own house. And it should not be questioned.

SparkleKitty