Out of my depth
 

Hi, I am looking for advice.
My ex boyfriend is a sober alcoholic (sober 4 years). 3 weeks ago he suddenly ended the relationship (as far as I am aware we were happy and content) we were together for 2.5years.
I fully supported him in recovery, he would go to around 4 AA meetings a week. He is committed to the program. I always said that came before me. Therefore, we only seen each other on a Friday night.
my question is: normally, I would do no contact and hope that he came back to me. But, I am worried, I dont want to play mind games with him in case it is detrimental to his sobriety. I reached out after 10days and got a few dry responses. I told him I loved him and missed him and wished that he could have spoken to me before breaking up. He ignored that and I havent heard from him since.
i am not an alcoholic but tried to educate myself when he told me. I would love nothing more than for him to come back to me (everything I read is useless, I need advice from those in the situation) he is a stubborn man, but also kind and honest. I dont want to say or do the wrong thing that upsets him..but id like the prospective of others in this situation.
is there hope of him changing his mind?
How do I handle this situation so that it keeps him healthy?
Any advice greatly appreciated as I am driving myself insane
Thank you
(P.s he is 43 and this was his first sober, proper relationship)

Hi wondering. I'm sorry you had reason to come looking for this forum, but I am very glad you found us.

Sometimes we have to take people at their word and afford them the respect and space to do what they feel is best for themselves, whether we agree with it or not, whether it's what we want or not.

He appears to have gone no contact with you at this time. In my opinion, it is best for you to focus on yourself and let him do whatever it is he feels he needs to do. His health and sobriety is his businss. Your health and wellness is yours. It sounds like you have some grieving to do.

Wonderingalways…...I am sorry to hear that you are in pain from your relationship breaking up. I know, from personal experience, that it is a terrible kind of pain......and, it takes a while to get past it....
It is so hard to know what is in another's mind....and, I venture to say that we NEVER can know, completely.
Sometimes, we assume that, because we are happy and content", that the other person feels exactly the same.....
Apparently your ex has h ad something going on with him that he has n ot shared with you. Ideally, he would have shared his reasons for ending the relationship....But, here again, we don't have control over other's actions, either.....
Looking toward your own future, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be there, for whatever reason?
don't you think that you deserve someone who is willing and able to be honest with you and committed to you? Isn't that what you deserve, at minimum?

As painful as it is, relationships break up, all the time....and, often, there is no complete understanding of why....that both partners understand. In other words...no "closure".....that we often hear about people getting.....
that is harsh, and it bites....but, I don't think that relationships end for no reason at all.....

One thing that you can take comfort in...he will be without the wonderful thing that you have to offer...It will be his loss.....

Hi Wondering,

Congratulations on reaching out. Have you had any exposure to active alcoholism?

It sounds like your ex is doing many good things. Alcoholism is a beast to deal with! Recovery, a relationship with a Higher Power and working with other alcoholics are a proven one-day-at-a-time solution. As this is a solution, these things need to come first for a solid recovery. That doesn't mean there isn't room for other people and relationships, or only room to see someone once a week. If it was his preference to see you once a week, perhaps you were more serious about the relationship than he was? That might have nothing to do with alcoholism.

I'm glad you're here. What I've learned in my recovery (as family/friend in Al-Anon) is that the "normal" I grew up with wasn't normal at all. Having a focus on self-work has given me strength, confidence, playfulness, joy, peace with being alone and also allowed self-awareness that's been immensely helpful.

Why hold on to wanting someone back after a breakup? It could be a great time to explore hobbies and some alone time. What have you done after a breakup in the past?

Do you find that he’s generally not a great communicator? Have you noticed this type of thing in his other relationships? Were there signs? Has he been acting different/ distancing himself from you, that you’ve noticed?

It’s hard to say what’s going on because he’s not telling you. I’ve been in this situation before too (there were drugs involved, but I saw it as the person- immaturity and lack of communication skills and things being a mess all around). It’s a horrible feeling. In my opinion doing “no contact” is done for specific reasons, and/ or when previous efforts to communicate failed, and the perhaps the situation became dangerous/ chaotic and it’s fight or flight- not something that you do so you can just stonewall people and have them have no idea what you think they did wrong (if that’s the case), or where you think things went wrong. But never the less, this is what he decided to do. Maybe that’s how he breaks up with people- something goes on in his own head that he doesn’t communicate, then he makes the decision to break up, and he goes silent?

Hi Wonderingalways and welcome.

As pdm asked, is he always this closed off as in not sharing his emotions much, not talking about how he feels etc.

You mention that you don't want to do anything to upset him and ask how to handle it to keep him healthy. Is that the norm for you two? Do you find yourself tippy-toeing around him so that he doesn't get upset?

You also mention he is stubborn, does this mean in most things? Is he the kind of person that likes to do what he wants and you kind of just have to go along with it?

I ask these things because they are somewhat typical of addictive behaviour.

Of course, it's possible this has nothing to do with addiction. Perhaps, in his mind, the relationship had run its course. Either way, he has made it pretty clear he has moved on. I know it hurts, but the best thing you can do at this point is to let it go and move on, too. Take care of yourself.

Thank you everyone.
he is stubborn with most things! And very set in his ways. He would go to a meeting 4 times a week and see family 2 nights a week which only left 1 night for me!
We very rarely argued so i wouldnt say i tip toed around, my main focus was him keeping healthy. I didnt know him before he was in recovery. So have no experience of this.
everything was exactly the same as it always had been (trust me ive re played everything in my mind) he always told me his brain worked crazy due to his illness, i wondered if that was why it was so out the blue! Hes only had a few relationships in the past, longest being 5 months! He was drinking then, so this is his 1st sober relationship.
every day he would tell me how he loves me and i was the best thing to happen to him..even the day before he finished it!
My heads such a mess

my main focus was him keeping healthy.


http://www.al-anon.org/

As the focus becomes directed to our own self care and what works for us, everything else falls into place. :grouphug:

Wonderingalways…….When he tells you that "my brain works crazy because of my illness"....it sounds, to me, like he is acknowledging that he has problems in coping with reationships…...coupled with the fact that his longest relationship has been only 5 months....at his age.
those are important red flags, when you are dating someone.
The way he ended it is another evidence that he has trouble in navigating relatiosnhips with others.
What you see, with him, is probably just the tip of the iceberg in regard to his relationship issues.
While he may have some good features that you liked....some people are just good relationship material....they just don't have the necessary tools to maintain and nurture a realionship. He probably knows that....which is why he told you what he did.
It takes two healthy people to maintain a good relationship. If you are healthy, in that way, and he isn't...there is nothing you can do about that....
The best that you can do in that situation is to grieve the loss of your dream and go forward in life...…

What you are experiencing is, I think, grieving a great disappointment.

I suggest that you might read the most frequently recommended book on this forum..."Co-dependent No More". I think a lot of it will resonate with you. You can get it on amazon.com or at the local library. It is an easy read.....and, I think it will be consoling to you.....

I am so sorry for your hurt. I hope you’ll do some reading of other stories here so you can see how common this is...everything’s “fine,” or at least that’s how it’s described, but then they ghost or dump or both.

It isn’t you. It never was. if you take a step back, he was always keeping your relationship very compartmentalized...only one day a week? Yes, the meetings, fine, but why couldn’t you have been included sometimes in those two “family” days?

He said he never had a serious relationship at age 41? That’s worrisome, yes?

Sometimes the alcoholism becomes a distraction or a way to deflect...”I can’t do that, I’m in recovery.” “Don’t make any demands of me, I’m in recovery.” It’s a distancing tactic with some people.

I hope you can just work toward accepting that he has ended the relationship and focus on being gentle with yourself while you heal. Breakups suck...but there is life on the other side, I promise.

Sending you a hug.

Thank you, you have no idea how much all your words have helped. I was so upset and didnt have anyone who would understand.
he said that relationships always got in the way of alcohol so he would avoid them so he could drink!
I will research that book and read it.
I always wondered why i couldnt be involved in thr family..he always kept me at arms length (i have met them, a few times)

Yes the only 1 day a week "allowance" for the relationship is a red flag, plus, is that what you need in a relationship? Did you ever want it to go further, moving in together/marriage, heck a two day a week relationship.

Obviously he has some good qualities that you liked a lot, which is what kept you two together but as he stated, he still feels like he has an "illness" whatever that is, whether it is alcoholism or he has other mental issues which he used the alcohol to cope with. No way of knowing of course but a 1 day a week boyfriend isn't much of a relationship. It may well be that is all he could cope with and finally couldn't even cope with that.

I am glad you are going to get Codependent no more as dandylion suggested, I think will find a wealth of information in there and some things will certainly resonate about this relationship.

Keep posting, I am sure you have been very hurt by all of this and it has caught you off guard and you are probably still in shock. It won't always feel this bad. Take good care of yourself, eat well (even if you don't feel like it), get in a few walks if you can, get sleep when you can and talk it out, post here as often as you like.

We went on holidays, weekends away..then back home to 1 day a week! (We were on a 2 week holiday 2months before we split up!)
i kept asking to see him more but he always said "u know i have AAs i need to go to stay healthy" so i brushed it away, he spoke about kids then abruptly changed his mind, said he wasnt ready for them. I brought up feeling like we werent in a proper relationship a few weeks ago and he took offence, said id hurt him by my comment..

Perhaps on that 2 week holiday you might have noticed some things about him you hadn't really realized before?

Him needing a lot of alone time, even with you right there? Inability to discuss emotional matters at all, seeming to withdraw?

Yes, AA meetings take all of what, an hour? So that takes up his whole week? I don't think he was lying necessarily but he was certainly keeping emotional distance, again, he may just not be able to handle that kind of closeness, because of his "illness".

Well I guess when he was doing all he could cope with, he thought that was ok, but I totally get what you mean, of course. How many years do you go on only seeing someone once a week?

Yes, he did want a lot of alone time! I put it down to being around alcohol! Apart from that he was his normal self.
for me a relationship should slowly progress, i feel that stalled, a long time ago, hence brining it up with him.
thank you everyone, i feel so much better talking to someone

Him bringing up having children may have been him guessing at what you might want.

Unfortunately, whatever he is dealing with, he is unable to maintain a relationship. This might be related to alcoholism, it might not. There may be other issues he has that he chooses not to deal with directly, which is, of course, his choice.

Yes, if you were looking for a relationship to progress this certainly wasn't it and of course there was nothing wrong with bringing that up. The fact that he took offense to that, rather than discussing, again signals a problem.

Do you think maybe, somewhere in the back of your mind, as much as you are hurt and perhaps missing him right now, that this was the wrong relationship for you?

What do you want in a relationship?

You could be right, i want to settled down, build a future. Be a priority rather than an option lol. We spoke about kids about a year ago then maybe 5 months ago he changed his mind..which wasnt a deal breaker for me.

I'm going to hazard a guess here that this never would have happened. If he couldn't cope with seeing you more than once a week (no reflection on you btw) then there is NO way he could have a real relationship full time.

If for some reason you did get married and have children, how on earth would he cope with that? Basically you would be a single parent. People don't change that much you know? I mean some people can overcome personality disorders or addictions or whatever but that takes commitment, hard work and a real willingness to do that work. He is conquering the alcoholism which is truly great but the underlying problems are all still there, whatever they are (which he never told you).

You spoke about having children and then 5 months later he backed out on that. Did he ever bring it up between the time you initially mentioned it and his announcement 5 months later that it was a no-go?

“Be a priority rather than an option lol.”

There it is. Can you see how deep down you knew this wasn’t right? You’re obviously a smart cookie. If this were some regular guy still blowing you off to one night a week after 2 1/2 years, heck, six months, would you have agreed to it?

Sometimes the addiction gets the focus and the blame when maybe it’s just the person.

I guess the good news is that he insisted on so much time away from you that it might be a little easier...at least you won’t have a bunch of spare time you’ll have to fill, right?

I hope you didn’t take that as me being flippant... this is never easy, even when it’s right.

Have another hug...

P.S. You sure he didn’t have something going on elsewhere? Like maybe a Saturday night girlfriend? Not that it matters, of course...his loss, hon.