Out of my depth
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
Without going down the rabbit hole of their relationship histories (particularly his, and his messed up childhood), I’m reminded of Laura Dern & Billy Bob Thornton. How when years ago when they were a couple, she came home from being away on a movie set, and he had taken off and married Angelina Jolie. She didn’t even know they broke up (!), and she said he never spoke to her again. She called the experience being like dealing with a “sudden death”. It can be really disconcerting to have the rug pulled out from under you like that. Years later in some interview, when questioned about it, he said something about well he was happy and Angelina was happy, sorry anyone got hurt..so that gave some insight into his psychology and where his mind was at. I can certainly relate to how she described it as being like a sudden death, though. That shock of wtf just happened, especially if you’ve never experienced that before.
Anyways, glad you’re talking to people. Addictions may thrive in isolation, but I think these unhealthy relationship dynamics do too. It helps to take some distance (not that you have a choice :/), you’ll probably find things get clearer as you get time away, although it sounds like things were “off” and you were picking up on that all along, even as you were living with it?
Anyways, glad you’re talking to people. Addictions may thrive in isolation, but I think these unhealthy relationship dynamics do too. It helps to take some distance (not that you have a choice :/), you’ll probably find things get clearer as you get time away, although it sounds like things were “off” and you were picking up on that all along, even as you were living with it?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 11
No he never mentioned children again, just when we spoke about it.
thats exactly how i feel! Every day apart from a fri is normal for me, as i never seen him!
Yes!! I put a lot down to "alcoholism" and you are right, i wouldnt have put up with that from another guy!!
another woman? I did consider this possibility but decided against it, Saturday is an AAs night, and he would give a quick call when he was home (same time every week) so i dont think so. Sunday, Monday, Thursday and Saturday are AA nights.
thats exactly how i feel! Every day apart from a fri is normal for me, as i never seen him!
Yes!! I put a lot down to "alcoholism" and you are right, i wouldnt have put up with that from another guy!!
another woman? I did consider this possibility but decided against it, Saturday is an AAs night, and he would give a quick call when he was home (same time every week) so i dont think so. Sunday, Monday, Thursday and Saturday are AA nights.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
I agree, I don't see him being a philanderer, he can only "relationship" one night a week!
I think anytime we use alcoholism as an excuse for poor treatment it is asking for trouble.
Granted, it is a mental illness (in my opinion) and just like you might have a relationship with someone that suffers from say bi-polar or depression or anxiety, allowances can surely be made, that's kindness. That does not excuse poor treatment though.
Many people that have a mental challenge have really successful relationships.
The question here is, should he have stayed engaged in this relationship, the odds are, you were only ever going to get a 1 day a week boyfriend. Doesn't sound like that is what you are really looking for?
Unfortunately, it's always possible to be in a relationship with someone where our goals and future plans don't match. One may want children, the other not, one might want to travel every three months, one might be a homebody - all these things I'm sure you know.
Well perhaps look at this that way. Your goals and future plans, alone, do not match up with his. He probably realized this as well, that he can't (at least not now) be in a relationship that requires more than 1 day per week and it sounds like even that is too much, well obviously is too much for him.
I'm sure that doesn't help with the hurt right now, if nothing else you have been cut out of the life of someone you care about a lot, that hurts! In this case though, based on his behaviour and on what you want for your future, perhaps it is not a bad thing?
THAT will take a while to come around to though, of course, you will grieve that relationship, that's very normal, of course.
I think anytime we use alcoholism as an excuse for poor treatment it is asking for trouble.
Granted, it is a mental illness (in my opinion) and just like you might have a relationship with someone that suffers from say bi-polar or depression or anxiety, allowances can surely be made, that's kindness. That does not excuse poor treatment though.
Many people that have a mental challenge have really successful relationships.
The question here is, should he have stayed engaged in this relationship, the odds are, you were only ever going to get a 1 day a week boyfriend. Doesn't sound like that is what you are really looking for?
Unfortunately, it's always possible to be in a relationship with someone where our goals and future plans don't match. One may want children, the other not, one might want to travel every three months, one might be a homebody - all these things I'm sure you know.
Well perhaps look at this that way. Your goals and future plans, alone, do not match up with his. He probably realized this as well, that he can't (at least not now) be in a relationship that requires more than 1 day per week and it sounds like even that is too much, well obviously is too much for him.
I'm sure that doesn't help with the hurt right now, if nothing else you have been cut out of the life of someone you care about a lot, that hurts! In this case though, based on his behaviour and on what you want for your future, perhaps it is not a bad thing?
THAT will take a while to come around to though, of course, you will grieve that relationship, that's very normal, of course.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 11
Thank you. I am perplexed as to why people dont want to see their other half more than once a week..i doubt ill ever understand it.
I want a life partner, not a friend with benefits! I know one day he will realise his mistake, but by then ill no longer want a 1s a week man, i will have moved on to someone who actually wants to spend time with me
I want a life partner, not a friend with benefits! I know one day he will realise his mistake, but by then ill no longer want a 1s a week man, i will have moved on to someone who actually wants to spend time with me
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I am perplexed as to why people dont want to see their other half more than once a week
i'm guessing it has to do with them not viewing the other person as their OTHER HALF?
i had a relationship once with a very nice man - nice AND just cute as the day is long. our paths crossed when i was going thru a particularly rough patch and he was like this shining gift. he didn't want to get serious, but we were exclusive. didn't like using that L word at ALL, but when he broke up with me he had tears in his eyes.......and was back a week later saying maybe he'd been a little hasty.
we ended apart, but on good terms. he didn't want or wasn't ready to take things any further than what we had going on. i also had a young daughter and he in NO way wanted anything to do with all that. so ultimately it was time to go our separate ways.
a few years later (maybe 4? 5?) i heard he got married. it wasn't that i wasn't good enough, or that he didn't CARE, we were just NOT meant to be paired up for life!!! whatever he wanted or needed (or thought he wanted or needed) in a partner didn't gel until AFTER our time together.
i'm guessing it has to do with them not viewing the other person as their OTHER HALF?
i had a relationship once with a very nice man - nice AND just cute as the day is long. our paths crossed when i was going thru a particularly rough patch and he was like this shining gift. he didn't want to get serious, but we were exclusive. didn't like using that L word at ALL, but when he broke up with me he had tears in his eyes.......and was back a week later saying maybe he'd been a little hasty.
we ended apart, but on good terms. he didn't want or wasn't ready to take things any further than what we had going on. i also had a young daughter and he in NO way wanted anything to do with all that. so ultimately it was time to go our separate ways.
a few years later (maybe 4? 5?) i heard he got married. it wasn't that i wasn't good enough, or that he didn't CARE, we were just NOT meant to be paired up for life!!! whatever he wanted or needed (or thought he wanted or needed) in a partner didn't gel until AFTER our time together.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Yes you will have and it will be wonderful, never settle for less.
I'll hazard a guess here, this is just my theory.
I'm going to guess your ex has a solid history of addiction to alcohol. There is a reason for that. Now, some people just like to have a good time at the pub getting silly and wind up addicted, that does happen. If you read around the alcoholism and newcomers to recovery forums here what you will find are many many stories of people who suffer from social anxiety/general anxiety and depression. They have self medicated for these things and ended up addicted.
Now they quit, they have to quit, generally, at some point because alcoholism is very destructive to the mind and body. What was once used as "medicine" became something that needed to be used all the time to escape and to escape withdrawal. Cravings for that alcohol are huge, which is why it is so hard to quit.
So they quit and they are sober. That's a great thing. Problem is, the things that drove them to drink in the first place didn't get washed away with all that alcohol. The anxiety, depression etc are all still there and now in major full force. Years of no treatment and alcohol is a depressant and it takes time for the brain to get back to some kind of normal functioning without alcohol.
Next comes recovery. These things need to be addressed whether that is through rehab and therapy, AA meetings and therapy, etc etc.
AA is great, it is a great way to heal from alcoholism (I believe), but it's not a room full of psychiatrists, it's a room full of alcoholics.
Whatever drove your ex to drink is probably still with him. OCD? Depression? Anxiety? Social Anxiety? Untreated he probably just does the best he can to keep everything calm. Perhaps spending time at AA and with his family gives him a sense of security.
He has this very very rigid schedule he sticks to. That in itself indicates a problem.
But hey, he is entitled to live that way. You on the other hand are now free to do what you want.
I'll hazard a guess here, this is just my theory.
I'm going to guess your ex has a solid history of addiction to alcohol. There is a reason for that. Now, some people just like to have a good time at the pub getting silly and wind up addicted, that does happen. If you read around the alcoholism and newcomers to recovery forums here what you will find are many many stories of people who suffer from social anxiety/general anxiety and depression. They have self medicated for these things and ended up addicted.
Now they quit, they have to quit, generally, at some point because alcoholism is very destructive to the mind and body. What was once used as "medicine" became something that needed to be used all the time to escape and to escape withdrawal. Cravings for that alcohol are huge, which is why it is so hard to quit.
So they quit and they are sober. That's a great thing. Problem is, the things that drove them to drink in the first place didn't get washed away with all that alcohol. The anxiety, depression etc are all still there and now in major full force. Years of no treatment and alcohol is a depressant and it takes time for the brain to get back to some kind of normal functioning without alcohol.
Next comes recovery. These things need to be addressed whether that is through rehab and therapy, AA meetings and therapy, etc etc.
AA is great, it is a great way to heal from alcoholism (I believe), but it's not a room full of psychiatrists, it's a room full of alcoholics.
Whatever drove your ex to drink is probably still with him. OCD? Depression? Anxiety? Social Anxiety? Untreated he probably just does the best he can to keep everything calm. Perhaps spending time at AA and with his family gives him a sense of security.
He has this very very rigid schedule he sticks to. That in itself indicates a problem.
But hey, he is entitled to live that way. You on the other hand are now free to do what you want.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wonderifngalways…..I feel the same way that you do....I need to be the priority, with a partner....
After my first marriage...that I decided to divorce him (we even had three small children, at the time)…..I determined that I would never...ever...be with someone who couldn't devote the same amount of commitment, in a relationship, that I needed.
Luckily, I found that.....But, I must say that it wasn't right away....it was about 6yrs. later...Now, I did date and have my good share of male companionship...lol....AND, there were lots of relationships, where we dated, had a good time, but, didn't go onto lifetime commitment. only one, painful breakup, during that time.
It can take a while to find the "right" compatability with another person. I didn't feel like I had to rush or force anything...because there are lots of fish in the Sea...and, the kids and I were having a great life (after the divorce)…..
Concerning emotional closeness in a relationship----I remember, once, reading on this subject....written by a famous psychotherapist.....that each person has their own unique sense of what is a comfortable closeness/distance in a relationship. This is considered an Extremely important variable in a relationship...even though it is Invisible....lol..!
It was pointed out, that, even when a couple do start out with an "agreed on" amount of distance/closeness between them.....IF, one partner changes...and, wants more or less closeness....that there is H*ll to pay!
I have observed this to be true......
After my first marriage...that I decided to divorce him (we even had three small children, at the time)…..I determined that I would never...ever...be with someone who couldn't devote the same amount of commitment, in a relationship, that I needed.
Luckily, I found that.....But, I must say that it wasn't right away....it was about 6yrs. later...Now, I did date and have my good share of male companionship...lol....AND, there were lots of relationships, where we dated, had a good time, but, didn't go onto lifetime commitment. only one, painful breakup, during that time.
It can take a while to find the "right" compatability with another person. I didn't feel like I had to rush or force anything...because there are lots of fish in the Sea...and, the kids and I were having a great life (after the divorce)…..
Concerning emotional closeness in a relationship----I remember, once, reading on this subject....written by a famous psychotherapist.....that each person has their own unique sense of what is a comfortable closeness/distance in a relationship. This is considered an Extremely important variable in a relationship...even though it is Invisible....lol..!
It was pointed out, that, even when a couple do start out with an "agreed on" amount of distance/closeness between them.....IF, one partner changes...and, wants more or less closeness....that there is H*ll to pay!
I have observed this to be true......
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Dear wondering...
I'm so sorry for your pain and confusion. And you may not be ready to hear this yet, but this break-up may very well be a gift. There is someone out there who is better suited for what you want in a relationship. I learned this particular little lesson through my own experiences
I'm a widow not, but years ago when a man I thought was "the one" broke up with me, I was devastated. I took time to learn more about myself--and to keep working to be better person. I wanted to be someone who could be a good partner to the kind of man I was searching for. Then I met my beautiful husband.
It can be a bit of a rough journey, but so worthwhile Hang in there!
I'm so sorry for your pain and confusion. And you may not be ready to hear this yet, but this break-up may very well be a gift. There is someone out there who is better suited for what you want in a relationship. I learned this particular little lesson through my own experiences
I'm a widow not, but years ago when a man I thought was "the one" broke up with me, I was devastated. I took time to learn more about myself--and to keep working to be better person. I wanted to be someone who could be a good partner to the kind of man I was searching for. Then I met my beautiful husband.
It can be a bit of a rough journey, but so worthwhile
Hang in there!
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by Wonderingalways 
Thank you. I am perplexed as to why people dont want to see their other half more than once a week..i doubt ill ever understand it.
I want a life partner, not a friend with benefits! I know one day he will realise his mistake, but by then ill no longer want a 1s a week man, i will have moved on to someone who actually wants to spend time with me
I want a life partner, not a friend with benefits! I know one day he will realise his mistake, but by then ill no longer want a 1s a week man, i will have moved on to someone who actually wants to spend time with me
Are you familiar with attachment theory? Perhaps read up on that when you get a chance. Based on what you said about his relationship history, it’s possible he could be a dismissive/ avoidant type. Very difficult to form a long term bond with someone like this, they usually just won’t let people get too close:
Attachment Theory/ Mark Mason:
https://www.google.com/amp/s/markman...ent-theory/amp
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by Wonderingalways
I messaged him on Friday asking for answers as to why we were over (i need closure) and he has ignored it.
i dont want to be with someone who can ignore the person they once loved
i dont want to be with someone who can ignore the person they once loved
I'm glad you came back and posted Wonderingalways. I'm sure it's been a rough week. Healing takes time.
Just read back on this thread and really, there are so many red flags in this relationship, well in this man, he has problems that really can't be ignored.
He has a lot of issues. He knows this. This may be why he can't really commit to a real, full time relationship. He had to maintain his very rigid schedule.
Were you able to get your hands on a copy of Codependent no more? You might find reading that very comforting.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Sorry to hear that! I hope you are feeling better really soon.
How are you doing in general?
It's important to look out for HALT. When you start to feel dragged down are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? All of these things need to be addressed when going through something like this, to make sure you are taking good care of yourself.
How are you doing in general?
It's important to look out for HALT. When you start to feel dragged down are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? All of these things need to be addressed when going through something like this, to make sure you are taking good care of yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 11
Im not doing great :-( but i will get back to being happy :-) it will take me some time. I am throwing myself into my work and keeping busy.
I am aware of HALT, he used to speak of it often. Thanks for your concern
I am aware of HALT, he used to speak of it often. Thanks for your concern
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