Should I ever go back?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 13
Should I ever go back?
Hi All,
I'm new here, thanks in advance for any advice
I split up with my fiance of 3.5 years a week ago. We had a fairly well functioning life, with pets and a big house, etc etc. Our issue is that he would drink every single evening and it would cause him to get angry over insignificant things. I reached my breaking point last week as he broke a door in anger during an argument.
I'm staying with family for now, but I feel like I'm in limbo. He has acknowledged that he needs to change, called himself an alcoholic and is planning to get help for it. He's not begging for me to go back, he says it would be too much pressure on him and he doesn't want me to suffer so he wants to battle it alone. At the same time, he tells me he misses me and loves me. It breaks my heart because he's such a great guy when he isn't drinking and we'd built this whole life together.
Since I moved out he's stopped drinking, has taken care of the house and the animals, continued to go to work. We still talk every day and I don't know if the hope of one day rekindling things is spurring him on or if it's just a bad idea and he's fooling me into thinking everything will be okay. I want to encourage him but at the same time I want him to realise he has to keep it under control for me to see a future with him. Any time I've said anything of the sort, he says it's too much pressure on him, but we still end up talking like we're still together. I know it's still far to early to tell what's going to happen and I don't want to make recovery any harder for him or say the wrong things.
I'm new here, thanks in advance for any advice
I split up with my fiance of 3.5 years a week ago. We had a fairly well functioning life, with pets and a big house, etc etc. Our issue is that he would drink every single evening and it would cause him to get angry over insignificant things. I reached my breaking point last week as he broke a door in anger during an argument.
I'm staying with family for now, but I feel like I'm in limbo. He has acknowledged that he needs to change, called himself an alcoholic and is planning to get help for it. He's not begging for me to go back, he says it would be too much pressure on him and he doesn't want me to suffer so he wants to battle it alone. At the same time, he tells me he misses me and loves me. It breaks my heart because he's such a great guy when he isn't drinking and we'd built this whole life together.
Since I moved out he's stopped drinking, has taken care of the house and the animals, continued to go to work. We still talk every day and I don't know if the hope of one day rekindling things is spurring him on or if it's just a bad idea and he's fooling me into thinking everything will be okay. I want to encourage him but at the same time I want him to realise he has to keep it under control for me to see a future with him. Any time I've said anything of the sort, he says it's too much pressure on him, but we still end up talking like we're still together. I know it's still far to early to tell what's going to happen and I don't want to make recovery any harder for him or say the wrong things.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Good morning, Rosie, and Welcome to SR...although I'm really sorry for the reasons why you needed to find us.
I wish that I could give you a definite answer, but there is none, really. It's been my experience that an alcoholic active in their addiction is not the most trustworthy of humans. Your fiance is correct in one thing--it is his battle alone. Think of it this way, you were with him for years and your presence did not make any difference in his drinking habit, right?
I hope that he will truly seek out the help that he needs. From my years reading on these boards, it is only when someone's actions match their words that you know they are serious about recovery. It's been a week...has he done anything yet? Has he attended an AA meeting? Has he contacted a counselor who specializes in addiction?
I hope you'll stick around! Others will be along who have been through just exactly whay you are currently living. Hang in there! You and your fiance will be in my prayers.
I wish that I could give you a definite answer, but there is none, really. It's been my experience that an alcoholic active in their addiction is not the most trustworthy of humans. Your fiance is correct in one thing--it is his battle alone. Think of it this way, you were with him for years and your presence did not make any difference in his drinking habit, right?
I hope that he will truly seek out the help that he needs. From my years reading on these boards, it is only when someone's actions match their words that you know they are serious about recovery. It's been a week...has he done anything yet? Has he attended an AA meeting? Has he contacted a counselor who specializes in addiction?
I hope you'll stick around! Others will be along who have been through just exactly whay you are currently living. Hang in there! You and your fiance will be in my prayers.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Alcoholism and his addiction aside, breaking down a door in an argument is 100% unacceptable... and honestly, as a man, let me tell you... this isn’t good!
We learn here, that addiction doesn’t necessarily mean a person will be violent or angry — However, if a person drinks heavily and becomes violent, it is the worst combination.
Others will give you important suggestions... but from a man’s perspective, your ex-fiancé definitely has aggression and anger issues (in addition to his alcoholism) that you simply cannot fix. And if he doesn’t choose to get both his drinking and anger resolved, your life with him will most likely be volatile and traumatic. Personally, I’d be thankful you are safe with people who are loving and care.
We learn here, that addiction doesn’t necessarily mean a person will be violent or angry — However, if a person drinks heavily and becomes violent, it is the worst combination.
Others will give you important suggestions... but from a man’s perspective, your ex-fiancé definitely has aggression and anger issues (in addition to his alcoholism) that you simply cannot fix. And if he doesn’t choose to get both his drinking and anger resolved, your life with him will most likely be volatile and traumatic. Personally, I’d be thankful you are safe with people who are loving and care.
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"Planning to get help" and getting help are two different things. There is a lot of talking here, a lot of white-knuckled sobriety, and not a lot of real concrete action to address his addiction.
Personally, if I were you, I would plan on taking a long time to see actual change--like, six months to a year--before getting back involved with someone who is addicted to alcohol.
Personally, if I were you, I would plan on taking a long time to see actual change--like, six months to a year--before getting back involved with someone who is addicted to alcohol.
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Join Date: Nov 2019
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Thanks for your replies, it has been a week but only a couple of days since he actually made any serious realisations so it's too soon to say anything.
I have told him in no uncertain terms that I will never tolerate behaviour like that again. The place he's planning to go also offers counselling services and he knows his anger is also a huge problem. It's just up to him whether he can let them help as he puts his guard up when it comes to sensitive issues.
I have told him in no uncertain terms that I will never tolerate behaviour like that again. The place he's planning to go also offers counselling services and he knows his anger is also a huge problem. It's just up to him whether he can let them help as he puts his guard up when it comes to sensitive issues.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Hi, Rosie. Welcome to SR. I hope you can take the time to really read around the forums here, as I think you'll find a lot that will resonate w/you. For me, a real turning point came when I realized that my XAH was not some kind of "special snowflake" with his behaviors but was actually doing the exact same things as so many other alcoholics did. That helped me to not take things so personally, to distance myself from his drinking and look at things more objectively. Once that began to happen, I was able to make better choices for my own life.
As has been mentioned, the actions taken by your fiance ultimately mean a lot more than any words. Someone who truly wants recovery will grab it with both hands and work it hard. If you're not seeing him attending meetings and taking other actions to help with his drinking, then please take anything he says with a grain or two of salt, at least.
Also as was mentioned, don't imagine that anything you do or say (or don't do or say) is going to make his recovery succeed or fail. There is a saying in Alanon about the 3 C's--you didn't Cause his drinking, can't Control his drinking and can't Cure his drinking. That's his thing to deal with; you have your own.
Speaking of which, have you considered going to an Alanon meeting? For me, the combination of this forum and Alanon was really a powerful one in getting my own recovery rolling. I hope you'll check into it--the face-to-face support is important, I think.
As has been mentioned, the actions taken by your fiance ultimately mean a lot more than any words. Someone who truly wants recovery will grab it with both hands and work it hard. If you're not seeing him attending meetings and taking other actions to help with his drinking, then please take anything he says with a grain or two of salt, at least.
Also as was mentioned, don't imagine that anything you do or say (or don't do or say) is going to make his recovery succeed or fail. There is a saying in Alanon about the 3 C's--you didn't Cause his drinking, can't Control his drinking and can't Cure his drinking. That's his thing to deal with; you have your own.
Speaking of which, have you considered going to an Alanon meeting? For me, the combination of this forum and Alanon was really a powerful one in getting my own recovery rolling. I hope you'll check into it--the face-to-face support is important, I think.
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Originally Posted by Rosie1234 
Thanks for your replies, it has been a week but only a couple of days since he actually made any serious realisations so it's too soon to say anything.
I have told him in no uncertain terms that I will never tolerate behaviour like that again. The place he's planning to go also offers counselling services and he knows his anger is also a huge problem. It's just up to him whether he can let them help as he puts his guard up when it comes to sensitive issues.
I have told him in no uncertain terms that I will never tolerate behaviour like that again. The place he's planning to go also offers counselling services and he knows his anger is also a huge problem. It's just up to him whether he can let them help as he puts his guard up when it comes to sensitive issues.
My point, however, isn't to nit-pick the matter, but to say that recovery looks like recovery. Right now, this is mostly talk. The real test is in sustained action towards getting healthier. It's all too easy for the alcoholic (and those who love them) to get complacent with the status quo, and soon things start to slide right back to where they were before.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi Rosie. Well, I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. Unfortunately, living with an alcoholic is generally a hard time!
"I should, I'll try, probably", famous alcoholic words which are not worth more than what they are, diversion. As the others have stated, look for actions, not words.
If he is just "white knuckling" it right now (ie: just being sober with no outside help) then he is right, it's best for you not to be around him. Withdrawal, forced sobriety, is not pretty and it's very early days.
On the other hand, you have a house, a life, pets and you are staying with your parents. This is something to think about. Just because he is going through a hard time does not mean you have to give up your part of that life. What are you supposed to do? Just stay in some open ended living situation with your parents? That may not be an issue for you at all, I don't know, but remember, he doesn't get to call all the shots. If it is an issue for you (living with your parents) then you may want to discuss your moving back in, with or without him (if that is financially viable for you and it's something you want). If he wants recovery that's great, but not at your expense.
As much as you want to help him and probably don't want to rock the boat, you are not his Mom or his caretaker or his therapist, you are an equal partner in this relationship. Ideally he would be hitting AA meetings hard, 1 or 2 a day, he's not.
He indeed has an anger issue as well and I'm glad they have counseling for that as well, because he will need it. I married someone with anger issues, untreated it never changes you know (or at least not in my experience).
Has he ever threatened you with physical violence or hit you?
"I should, I'll try, probably", famous alcoholic words which are not worth more than what they are, diversion. As the others have stated, look for actions, not words.
If he is just "white knuckling" it right now (ie: just being sober with no outside help) then he is right, it's best for you not to be around him. Withdrawal, forced sobriety, is not pretty and it's very early days.
On the other hand, you have a house, a life, pets and you are staying with your parents. This is something to think about. Just because he is going through a hard time does not mean you have to give up your part of that life. What are you supposed to do? Just stay in some open ended living situation with your parents? That may not be an issue for you at all, I don't know, but remember, he doesn't get to call all the shots. If it is an issue for you (living with your parents) then you may want to discuss your moving back in, with or without him (if that is financially viable for you and it's something you want). If he wants recovery that's great, but not at your expense.
As much as you want to help him and probably don't want to rock the boat, you are not his Mom or his caretaker or his therapist, you are an equal partner in this relationship. Ideally he would be hitting AA meetings hard, 1 or 2 a day, he's not.
He indeed has an anger issue as well and I'm glad they have counseling for that as well, because he will need it. I married someone with anger issues, untreated it never changes you know (or at least not in my experience).
Has he ever threatened you with physical violence or hit you?
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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My now XRAH quit drinking several times over the course of our 16 years together, usually it would last a couple of months, the longest was 13 months (although during that time he did end up taking our nieces pain pills from her surgery once or twice and fessed up). He never sought help because “every excuse in the book”. After 13 months he relapsed and I let it go. Somehow subconsciously I realized that if I brought it up again he would quit again for a bit, then relapse, rinse and repeat. So I detached and started living my life with my kid (he didn’t like going much to get together pas bbq etc because he was tired always...). after about a year I hit rock bottom because I could no longer handle it and I was ready to give him an ultimatum and follow through on it (as in leave him). He admitted later he had gotten to the point himself that he felt he could not go on like that and so my ultimatum was the final push for him to take action (had he not been ready my ultimatum would not have mattered ). He reported to his professional organization (I told him he had to seek treatment ) and he got sent to rehab for 3 months, and needed every minute of it (we didn’t think he would need that and it was a complete shock to find out he would be sent) . He is now 3 years sober but our mariage did not last. Too much damage for me and his sobriety came too late for me. At least m kid has a sober dad though. Anyway, if he was really serious about quitting he would have started to going to AA, made an appointment with a counselor etc. There is no time frame to wait and do that if you are serious about recovery. My bet is that he is going to see how it goes by white knuckling it. Anndif he is truly serious and will add action to his words then yes recovery is very selfish. My ex actually admitted that me being so distant from him after he got out of rehab actually helped him because it forced him to continue to focus on himself rather than potentially falling back in the codependent trap that was our relationship (on both ends) by working on us. I realize you have a house and pets together but no kids. I would probably go the route of call me when you have been clean for a year and working a program (my ex was sober for 13 months by white knuckling it and he was probably more miserable to be around because he no longer had his one coping skill, so a dry drunk). After a year of true sobriety and recovery there is still no guarantee that he will stay sober for life but it shows he is serious about working a program and continuing to work his recovery. Most alcoholics can manage to stay sober for a while without doing much, but they will relapse. It is not a matter of IF they will relapse but WHEN (when they don’t work a program that is).
So I think letting him do his thing will be the best. He either will take this opportunity to continue to drink since he no longer has you around to “nag” him about it, or he will take action and focus all his energy on himself to work on recovery. If you own a house together you may want to talk to a lawyer about protecting yourself somehow, what if he stays in the house and lets it deteriorate, not pay bills etc. You will more than likely be on the hook for that. He may be taking care of it now (it’s only been a week) but without a recovery program he will relapse and then what.
I’m glad you found this place. I wish I had found this well before my ex quit drinking, it would’ve made me feel less alone. Not sure it would’ve saved my marriage but it might have saved my sanity more along the way.
So I think letting him do his thing will be the best. He either will take this opportunity to continue to drink since he no longer has you around to “nag” him about it, or he will take action and focus all his energy on himself to work on recovery. If you own a house together you may want to talk to a lawyer about protecting yourself somehow, what if he stays in the house and lets it deteriorate, not pay bills etc. You will more than likely be on the hook for that. He may be taking care of it now (it’s only been a week) but without a recovery program he will relapse and then what.
I’m glad you found this place. I wish I had found this well before my ex quit drinking, it would’ve made me feel less alone. Not sure it would’ve saved my marriage but it might have saved my sanity more along the way.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Rosie......Did ou know that we have a library of over 100 articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones? It is under the "stickies'...just above the threads on the main page.
There are enough articles for you to read and digest one every single day.....
You will never find such a good collection of materials on this subject anywhere!!
I am going to give you one such article, that I think you might find very valuable, right now....
the following link is to that one article.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
NOW....I am going to give to a link to that library that is under the stickies...…
There are enough articles for you to read and digest one every single day.....
You will never find such a good collection of materials on this subject anywhere!!
I am going to give you one such article, that I think you might find very valuable, right now....
the following link is to that one article.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
NOW....I am going to give to a link to that library that is under the stickies...…
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Rosie.....here is the link to our library that is under the stickies...…
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Our issue is that he would drink every single evening and it would cause him to get angry over insignificant things. I reached my breaking point last week as he broke a door in anger during an argument.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I can't tell you what to do. I can let you know my life. My husband would periodically drink and occasionally get angry which left holes in walls and broken things. I finally thought I had enough and left twice. He gave up drinking and he gave up the violence but he's not in a program. He still get's angry at the little things. He is not involved in family life like I had thought a family should be. Yes, he gave up the drinking but I suspect he did it more for his needs to keep the family together and to have a caretaker and wage earner than for my needs. If he doesn't see the problem, which I don't try to win the argument anymore, I'll be seeing a lawyer in January. My happiness means everything to me and I can't make my husband change. I couldn't figure out the future until he had over two years of sobriety. In him not working a program his underlying issues never got resolved. I can't go any further with my happiness still being married to his issues.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 13
Update
Hi All,
Thanks for all of your replies, I figured I should leave it for a while for any sort of update. After going back and forth between over and on a break, I think it is finally over. A couple of weeks of distance has given me enough space to see all of the little red flags I was ignoring before. Over the last couple of weeks, he would get mad at little things every other day, say we were done and then talk to me the next morning as if nothing had happened. Each time this happened, I got a little bit more disconnected emotionally and through reading through the forums I'm picking up on emotionally abusive behaviour that I was shutting out before.
The night in question where he punched through a door, he sent me a text saying "you did this". He would sulk for an entire day if I didn't sleep with him every day. He would get angry if the house wasn't warm enough. When he got angry enough he would tell me he didn't want to be with me, that I was an idiot for not knowing why he was upset when he hadn't told me why and that he didn't want to be with me, only to forget it happened the next day. He used to take my credit cards and spend money on alcohol without even telling me, promising me when I questioned him that one day we'd be rich and he'd pay me back. He proved to me so many times that alcohol came before our life together.
He still hasn't gone for professional help and when asked about it he said he'd cut down but didn't seem like he had any intention to stop. He also said this to me: "You're looking for a fantasy I can't provide. I will get angry and upset. Cutting the drinking, yes, Not snapping, no. I'm human. Go date someone else for a few years and see how they are. It won't be perfect". So, he's still in denial about his anger issues and the fact that he needs to give up altogether.
I'm putting myself first. I've already made a payment on a house and taken my name off our tenancy agreement (that went down well). He told me last night he's going to start dating again as he thinks he's ready (yet another form of denial). I'm exhausted.
Thanks for all of your replies, I figured I should leave it for a while for any sort of update. After going back and forth between over and on a break, I think it is finally over. A couple of weeks of distance has given me enough space to see all of the little red flags I was ignoring before. Over the last couple of weeks, he would get mad at little things every other day, say we were done and then talk to me the next morning as if nothing had happened. Each time this happened, I got a little bit more disconnected emotionally and through reading through the forums I'm picking up on emotionally abusive behaviour that I was shutting out before.
The night in question where he punched through a door, he sent me a text saying "you did this". He would sulk for an entire day if I didn't sleep with him every day. He would get angry if the house wasn't warm enough. When he got angry enough he would tell me he didn't want to be with me, that I was an idiot for not knowing why he was upset when he hadn't told me why and that he didn't want to be with me, only to forget it happened the next day. He used to take my credit cards and spend money on alcohol without even telling me, promising me when I questioned him that one day we'd be rich and he'd pay me back. He proved to me so many times that alcohol came before our life together.
He still hasn't gone for professional help and when asked about it he said he'd cut down but didn't seem like he had any intention to stop. He also said this to me: "You're looking for a fantasy I can't provide. I will get angry and upset. Cutting the drinking, yes, Not snapping, no. I'm human. Go date someone else for a few years and see how they are. It won't be perfect". So, he's still in denial about his anger issues and the fact that he needs to give up altogether.
I'm putting myself first. I've already made a payment on a house and taken my name off our tenancy agreement (that went down well). He told me last night he's going to start dating again as he thinks he's ready (yet another form of denial). I'm exhausted.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi Rosie - well, that's been quite the several weeks for you, yes, it does sound exhausting.
He is obviously in his own little world when he is the victim and you are his nemesis, because surely this can't all be his fault can it? His best friend (alcohol) couldn't be creating this mess - must be you!
I'm so glad you have taken the steps to get away from the insanity of it. Despite the fact that it had reached that point, I'm sure it's still hurtful for you.
Please stick around the forums, lots of support here and also you can share what you now know, which is invaluable around here.
He is obviously in his own little world when he is the victim and you are his nemesis, because surely this can't all be his fault can it? His best friend (alcohol) couldn't be creating this mess - must be you!
I'm so glad you have taken the steps to get away from the insanity of it. Despite the fact that it had reached that point, I'm sure it's still hurtful for you.
Please stick around the forums, lots of support here and also you can share what you now know, which is invaluable around here.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Rosie...I am glad you are getting out.
You do not deserve that kind of abuse.
Pity the ones that he might date.....he will not treat them well.....but, they probably won't know it until he gets his hooks into them....
You do not deserve that kind of abuse.
Pity the ones that he might date.....he will not treat them well.....but, they probably won't know it until he gets his hooks into them....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by Rosie1234
Hi All,
Thanks for all of your replies, I figured I should leave it for a while for any sort of update. After going back and forth between over and on a break, I think it is finally over. A couple of weeks of distance has given me enough space to see all of the little red flags I was ignoring before. Over the last couple of weeks, he would get mad at little things every other day, say we were done and then talk to me the next morning as if nothing had happened. Each time this happened, I got a little bit more disconnected emotionally and through reading through the forums I'm picking up on emotionally abusive behaviour that I was shutting out before.
The night in question where he punched through a door, he sent me a text saying "you did this". He would sulk for an entire day if I didn't sleep with him every day. He would get angry if the house wasn't warm enough. When he got angry enough he would tell me he didn't want to be with me, that I was an idiot for not knowing why he was upset when he hadn't told me why and that he didn't want to be with me, only to forget it happened the next day. He used to take my credit cards and spend money on alcohol without even telling me, promising me when I questioned him that one day we'd be rich and he'd pay me back. He proved to me so many times that alcohol came before our life together.
He still hasn't gone for professional help and when asked about it he said he'd cut down but didn't seem like he had any intention to stop. He also said this to me: "You're looking for a fantasy I can't provide. I will get angry and upset. Cutting the drinking, yes, Not snapping, no. I'm human. Go date someone else for a few years and see how they are. It won't be perfect". So, he's still in denial about his anger issues and the fact that he needs to give up altogether.
I'm putting myself first. I've already made a payment on a house and taken my name off our tenancy agreement (that went down well). He told me last night he's going to start dating again as he thinks he's ready (yet another form of denial). I'm exhausted.
Thanks for all of your replies, I figured I should leave it for a while for any sort of update. After going back and forth between over and on a break, I think it is finally over. A couple of weeks of distance has given me enough space to see all of the little red flags I was ignoring before. Over the last couple of weeks, he would get mad at little things every other day, say we were done and then talk to me the next morning as if nothing had happened. Each time this happened, I got a little bit more disconnected emotionally and through reading through the forums I'm picking up on emotionally abusive behaviour that I was shutting out before.
The night in question where he punched through a door, he sent me a text saying "you did this". He would sulk for an entire day if I didn't sleep with him every day. He would get angry if the house wasn't warm enough. When he got angry enough he would tell me he didn't want to be with me, that I was an idiot for not knowing why he was upset when he hadn't told me why and that he didn't want to be with me, only to forget it happened the next day. He used to take my credit cards and spend money on alcohol without even telling me, promising me when I questioned him that one day we'd be rich and he'd pay me back. He proved to me so many times that alcohol came before our life together.
He still hasn't gone for professional help and when asked about it he said he'd cut down but didn't seem like he had any intention to stop. He also said this to me: "You're looking for a fantasy I can't provide. I will get angry and upset. Cutting the drinking, yes, Not snapping, no. I'm human. Go date someone else for a few years and see how they are. It won't be perfect". So, he's still in denial about his anger issues and the fact that he needs to give up altogether.
I'm putting myself first. I've already made a payment on a house and taken my name off our tenancy agreement (that went down well). He told me last night he's going to start dating again as he thinks he's ready (yet another form of denial). I'm exhausted.
Just please believe him when he says he is who he is. My ex used to tell me the same.. go date someone else and then I would know how wonderful he was.
Honestly would rather be alone forever with my dog than deal with the temper tantrums again. I never have to ride in the car with that man again fearing for my life because he was having another road rage incident. Last time.. he had a crowbar and followed the pizza delivery guy who was all of 17 or 18.
Despite it all, you sound as if you are doing well. I know how tough it is.
E
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by Rosie1234
said this to me: "You're looking for a fantasy I can't provide. I will get angry and upset. Cutting the drinking, yes, Not snapping, no. I'm human. Go date someone else for a few years and see how they are. It won't be perfect". So, he's still in denial about his anger issues and the fact that he needs to give up altogether.
I'm putting myself first. I've already made a payment on a house and taken my name off our tenancy agreement (that went down well). He told me last night he's going to start dating again as he thinks he's ready (yet another form of denial). I'm exhausted.
I'm putting myself first. I've already made a payment on a house and taken my name off our tenancy agreement (that went down well). He told me last night he's going to start dating again as he thinks he's ready (yet another form of denial). I'm exhausted.
I am sort of new to this too.. reading over your last post, I had to write because he sounds so much like my XABF who has major anger issues. Mine would say (after a raging tantrum yelling insults at me) that he is a man with a big personality... "What do you want me to be some pathetic man who says oh I'm so sorry you didn't like that.. and have no reaction to what you say?!" ... blah blah implying he is a strong man, not a push over. He would also say booze is a part of me.
It is really starting to hit me how verbally abusive mine was. I am reading the book, Why Does He Do That- Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. It is very eye opening and helping me move on from the madness.
I read a quote somewhere that says something to the effect that a true man doesn't react and expel anger, rather a wise man doesn't react with rage... I need to find that quote.
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