Should I ever go back?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,981
Condolences and congratulations Rosie . . . .it does sound like you are making the right decision. This doesn't mean that it is easy or fun.
Lots of changes for you right now. Be extra kind to yourself and double down on that self care. I hope you have lots of support.
Lots of changes for you right now. Be extra kind to yourself and double down on that self care. I hope you have lots of support.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 63
I’m still angry and hurt because the way my relationship ended. And makes so angry at them when reading posts like this
mine also said I was too much pressure on him, and since I left our apartment he stoped drinking, and that before me he would drink only on the weekends with his friends.
now that I’m away, I can see clear and remember that he was drinking a lot since before we started dating. I’m can see all the excuses and actions he took to go drinking. But then it was all my fault. We also had a functional life, good careers, plans for the future, we took amazing trips together etc etc. he was awesome when he wasn’t drinking. But now I’m starting to see that it wasn’t really functional, I was in denial even tho I knew he was an alcoholic.
they manipulate and make us feel guilt, especially when you are forget about yourself trying to help them fix their problem.
like we are the ones who will make recovery impossible for them. Just frustrating!!!!
mine also said I was too much pressure on him, and since I left our apartment he stoped drinking, and that before me he would drink only on the weekends with his friends.
now that I’m away, I can see clear and remember that he was drinking a lot since before we started dating. I’m can see all the excuses and actions he took to go drinking. But then it was all my fault. We also had a functional life, good careers, plans for the future, we took amazing trips together etc etc. he was awesome when he wasn’t drinking. But now I’m starting to see that it wasn’t really functional, I was in denial even tho I knew he was an alcoholic.
they manipulate and make us feel guilt, especially when you are forget about yourself trying to help them fix their problem.
like we are the ones who will make recovery impossible for them. Just frustrating!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 13
I need some strength.
Last night I was sent multiple paragraphs along the lines of me being such a positive change in his life, how he didn't appreciate me, how he let his own insecurities get the better of him and he's seeking therapy to sort through his emotional issues (he was mentally and physically abused as a child)
I had to drop in to my house today and he was his kind and quiet sober self, the house was well kept and he was cooking (first time I've seen him so that in about a year).
It's so easy for your mind to gloss over the things that someone has done to you by convincing yourself that it wasn't his fault, he didn't mean it etc. I've told him that I'm moving into a house on my own and I'm putting myself first.
I need someone to give me a lecture, I'm letting the longing for the life I could have torture me. I think I'll feel a lot better when I'm in my own space and not halfway between homes, right now I live in a tiny spare bedroom with very few belongings.
Last night I was sent multiple paragraphs along the lines of me being such a positive change in his life, how he didn't appreciate me, how he let his own insecurities get the better of him and he's seeking therapy to sort through his emotional issues (he was mentally and physically abused as a child)
I had to drop in to my house today and he was his kind and quiet sober self, the house was well kept and he was cooking (first time I've seen him so that in about a year).
It's so easy for your mind to gloss over the things that someone has done to you by convincing yourself that it wasn't his fault, he didn't mean it etc. I've told him that I'm moving into a house on my own and I'm putting myself first.
I need someone to give me a lecture, I'm letting the longing for the life I could have torture me. I think I'll feel a lot better when I'm in my own space and not halfway between homes, right now I live in a tiny spare bedroom with very few belongings.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Rosie, it's nice that he seems to be in a better place right.
This, however, is one email, and one visit. Please try to keep it in perspective.
Is there some reason that you can't give it time to see whether or not it is a real, lasting change or just a few good days?
This, however, is one email, and one visit. Please try to keep it in perspective.
Is there some reason that you can't give it time to see whether or not it is a real, lasting change or just a few good days?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by Rosie1234 
I need someone to give me a lecture, I'm letting the longing for the life I could have torture me. I think I'll feel a lot better when I'm in my own space and not halfway between homes, right now I live in a tiny spare bedroom with very few belongings.
4 weeks ago - "called himself an alcoholic and is planning to get help for it"
he says "it would be too much pressure on him and he doesn't want me to suffer so he wants to battle it alone"
"he says it's too much pressure on him"
December 3rd (6 days ago) - "He told me last night he's going to start dating again as he thinks he's ready"
"he's seeking therapy"
I too am glad is seems to be in a better place at the moment.
What have his actions been? Meetings? Rehab, detox, therapy, anything?? Or is he still "planning" and "seeking" to get help.
Even if he was attending all these things, that doesn't change anything at the moment. Recovery takes time. Recovery from addiction takes time, recovery from abuse and rage takes time. He has not had the time to do it.
There is no magical life with him right now, he needs space and time and so do you. He really needs to have at least a year of solid sobriety under his belt before he will be on a better footing.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Rosie......this is the reality------genuine lasting sobriety takes a long time and a lot of hard work. The alcoholic has to pursue sobriety with intense determination above all other else...it has to be their top priority for the rest of their life.
Just getting a solid start takes 1 to 2years....and,depending on who you talk to...some say 3..4...5yrs.....
He would have to work a program and live by the principles for the rest of his life....
In his case...you have emphasized that he has a growing up background of abuse...both physically and mentally. Evidently, he is still laboring under the effects of those old wounds...which will take additional intense therapy--ON TOP of the AA alcohol program principles.....
For him, half-measures will just be temporary fixes and relapses can be expected.....
He may not realize this---he probably doesn't, is my guess.
What is important is that YOU know this....because this is what will inform your decision making about the rest of your life.
You may love him...and care for him....but, if you want th kind of life that you have described....to live free of relapses or fear of waiting for the other shoe to drop...for the rest of your life...I suggest that this is "not the one for you".
For his sake, I do hope that he will do what it takes to live the kind of life that he wou ld like......That will be up to him. There is nothing you can do...or, should attempt to do to bring that about. It is entirely out of your control....
Do you really want to put your life on hold for his alcoholism? Even if you did, there will never be a gurantee that it will hold....
Just getting a solid start takes 1 to 2years....and,depending on who you talk to...some say 3..4...5yrs.....
He would have to work a program and live by the principles for the rest of his life....
In his case...you have emphasized that he has a growing up background of abuse...both physically and mentally. Evidently, he is still laboring under the effects of those old wounds...which will take additional intense therapy--ON TOP of the AA alcohol program principles.....
For him, half-measures will just be temporary fixes and relapses can be expected.....
He may not realize this---he probably doesn't, is my guess.
What is important is that YOU know this....because this is what will inform your decision making about the rest of your life.
You may love him...and care for him....but, if you want th kind of life that you have described....to live free of relapses or fear of waiting for the other shoe to drop...for the rest of your life...I suggest that this is "not the one for you".
For his sake, I do hope that he will do what it takes to live the kind of life that he wou ld like......That will be up to him. There is nothing you can do...or, should attempt to do to bring that about. It is entirely out of your control....
Do you really want to put your life on hold for his alcoholism? Even if you did, there will never be a gurantee that it will hold....
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Originally Posted by Rosie1234
Hi All,
Thanks for all of your replies, I figured I should leave it for a while for any sort of update. After going back and forth between over and on a break, I think it is finally over. A couple of weeks of distance has given me enough space to see all of the little red flags I was ignoring before. Over the last couple of weeks, he would get mad at little things every other day, say we were done and then talk to me the next morning as if nothing had happened. Each time this happened, I got a little bit more disconnected emotionally and through reading through the forums I'm picking up on emotionally abusive behaviour that I was shutting out before.
The night in question where he punched through a door, he sent me a text saying "you did this". He would sulk for an entire day if I didn't sleep with him every day. He would get angry if the house wasn't warm enough. When he got angry enough he would tell me he didn't want to be with me, that I was an idiot for not knowing why he was upset when he hadn't told me why and that he didn't want to be with me, only to forget it happened the next day. He used to take my credit cards and spend money on alcohol without even telling me, promising me when I questioned him that one day we'd be rich and he'd pay me back. He proved to me so many times that alcohol came before our life together.
He still hasn't gone for professional help and when asked about it he said he'd cut down but didn't seem like he had any intention to stop. He also said this to me: "You're looking for a fantasy I can't provide. I will get angry and upset. Cutting the drinking, yes, Not snapping, no. I'm human. Go date someone else for a few years and see how they are. It won't be perfect". So, he's still in denial about his anger issues and the fact that he needs to give up altogether.
I'm putting myself first. I've already made a payment on a house and taken my name off our tenancy agreement (that went down well). He told me last night he's going to start dating again as he thinks he's ready (yet another form of denial). I'm exhausted.
Thanks for all of your replies, I figured I should leave it for a while for any sort of update. After going back and forth between over and on a break, I think it is finally over. A couple of weeks of distance has given me enough space to see all of the little red flags I was ignoring before. Over the last couple of weeks, he would get mad at little things every other day, say we were done and then talk to me the next morning as if nothing had happened. Each time this happened, I got a little bit more disconnected emotionally and through reading through the forums I'm picking up on emotionally abusive behaviour that I was shutting out before.
The night in question where he punched through a door, he sent me a text saying "you did this". He would sulk for an entire day if I didn't sleep with him every day. He would get angry if the house wasn't warm enough. When he got angry enough he would tell me he didn't want to be with me, that I was an idiot for not knowing why he was upset when he hadn't told me why and that he didn't want to be with me, only to forget it happened the next day. He used to take my credit cards and spend money on alcohol without even telling me, promising me when I questioned him that one day we'd be rich and he'd pay me back. He proved to me so many times that alcohol came before our life together.
He still hasn't gone for professional help and when asked about it he said he'd cut down but didn't seem like he had any intention to stop. He also said this to me: "You're looking for a fantasy I can't provide. I will get angry and upset. Cutting the drinking, yes, Not snapping, no. I'm human. Go date someone else for a few years and see how they are. It won't be perfect". So, he's still in denial about his anger issues and the fact that he needs to give up altogether.
I'm putting myself first. I've already made a payment on a house and taken my name off our tenancy agreement (that went down well). He told me last night he's going to start dating again as he thinks he's ready (yet another form of denial). I'm exhausted.
It's still hard to go through a break-up after 3.5 years, even when it's for the best. Do nice things for yourself and take good care!
Peace,
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Refiner
Rosie, it’s always within our human strengths to better our outcomes. But you mentioned pets. Where are they in all this fallout?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Bernadette
After my divorce I got my rear end into therapy because I wanted to know why/how I had chosen such a poor match, and I wanted to change and grow so I wouldn't make that same choice in a different disguise again!
B.
B.
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