What a week already
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 62
What a week already
Hi everyone! I just need to let some frustration out. I thought my husband moving his girlfriend in 2 months ago would let me live my life but that has not happened.
Friday night I decided to take some time for myself and go out with a couple friends. While out a young kid that my friends know was standing talking to us. In walks my husband and his girlfriend. My husband decides that I must be dating this poor young kid, walks up behind me threatening me and then trying to fight this poor 20 something year old kid. He had a crowd trying to push him out the door and was still coming forward. Luckily I had plenty of friends in there that helped out but it is so frustrating.
My husband then stood outside of the place for an hour texting me that he was going to kill this poor kid and that he knew he seen him at my house on his way to work one morning....his girlfriend would not take him home because she loves him and if this is what he chooses to do on his Friday night, well, she's ok with it. What???
About 10 people told me that not only is he drinking very heavily, he is also now using cocaine. I guess which would explain the rages. He tried his best 2 weeks ago to get me back. Said he would break up with his girlfriend if we had a chance to get back together. I told him that was some way to ask his wife of 20 years to come back and said no way. He then said he was going to shoot himself. Obviously he didn't.\
I feel like my life is one huge soap opera. A very bad one. Sunday night I was at my dad's and he was texting me that he couldn't believe I would have the nerve to be at my boyfriends house! My imaginary boyfriend is what I like to call it now. I am still being controlled by this man and now he has added a new addiction to it. I am trying really hard to hold it all together. I am being mom, still somehow wife, I work, come home. The one night I could just go feel like a person and go with my friends I was made a complete fool of. I know our mutual friends said that they have tried to talk to him, but somehow I still feel like everyone is trying to stay as far from me as possible because my husband is losing his mind. I can finally file my papers in 2 weeks. Not soon enough.
Friday night I decided to take some time for myself and go out with a couple friends. While out a young kid that my friends know was standing talking to us. In walks my husband and his girlfriend. My husband decides that I must be dating this poor young kid, walks up behind me threatening me and then trying to fight this poor 20 something year old kid. He had a crowd trying to push him out the door and was still coming forward. Luckily I had plenty of friends in there that helped out but it is so frustrating.
My husband then stood outside of the place for an hour texting me that he was going to kill this poor kid and that he knew he seen him at my house on his way to work one morning....his girlfriend would not take him home because she loves him and if this is what he chooses to do on his Friday night, well, she's ok with it. What???
About 10 people told me that not only is he drinking very heavily, he is also now using cocaine. I guess which would explain the rages. He tried his best 2 weeks ago to get me back. Said he would break up with his girlfriend if we had a chance to get back together. I told him that was some way to ask his wife of 20 years to come back and said no way. He then said he was going to shoot himself. Obviously he didn't.\
I feel like my life is one huge soap opera. A very bad one. Sunday night I was at my dad's and he was texting me that he couldn't believe I would have the nerve to be at my boyfriends house! My imaginary boyfriend is what I like to call it now. I am still being controlled by this man and now he has added a new addiction to it. I am trying really hard to hold it all together. I am being mom, still somehow wife, I work, come home. The one night I could just go feel like a person and go with my friends I was made a complete fool of. I know our mutual friends said that they have tried to talk to him, but somehow I still feel like everyone is trying to stay as far from me as possible because my husband is losing his mind. I can finally file my papers in 2 weeks. Not soon enough.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
I'm sorry you're going through this.
Is it possible to look at moving to another area, for your own safety? Sometimes physical distance can be a really wonderful gift.
Just a thought.
PS -- you are wise, dealing with a lot and doing very well at it!!
Is it possible to look at moving to another area, for your own safety? Sometimes physical distance can be a really wonderful gift.
Just a thought.
PS -- you are wise, dealing with a lot and doing very well at it!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Healingbegins,
WOW! you not in a Soap opera. Your in a horror story. And your AH is the monster. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. It is sometimes impossible to understand the alcoholics mind. He is with his girlfriend and want to beat up what he thinks is your boyfriend. What is he hoping to accomplish. Hey she's my wife keep your paws off her. while saying to you. Oh hi honey have you meet my girlfriend that is here also. Well maybe it is a Soap Opera Horror story.
Any way you shouldn't have to deal with it. He is trying to still control you. He doesn't want change. Alcoholics don't like change. They want to be in control of every part of your life. I'm glad you had people around you to help you out. You are doing a great job of holding it together with every thing you have to deal with. Keep being strong and keep posting. We are here for you. Have a good day.
WOW! you not in a Soap opera. Your in a horror story. And your AH is the monster. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. It is sometimes impossible to understand the alcoholics mind. He is with his girlfriend and want to beat up what he thinks is your boyfriend. What is he hoping to accomplish. Hey she's my wife keep your paws off her. while saying to you. Oh hi honey have you meet my girlfriend that is here also. Well maybe it is a Soap Opera Horror story.
Any way you shouldn't have to deal with it. He is trying to still control you. He doesn't want change. Alcoholics don't like change. They want to be in control of every part of your life. I'm glad you had people around you to help you out. You are doing a great job of holding it together with every thing you have to deal with. Keep being strong and keep posting. We are here for you. Have a good day.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by Healingbegins 
The one night I could just go feel like a person and go with my friends I was made a complete fool of. I know our mutual friends said that they have tried to talk to him, but somehow I still feel like everyone is trying to stay as far from me as possible because my husband is losing his mind. I can finally file my papers in 2 weeks. Not soon enough.
He is off his rocker. He made that very obvious to every one that was there. Please don't let his ridiculous behavior be your burden to bear. You did nothing wrong. You are allowed to go out into public places and speak to other people of both genders. Please don't isolate yourself because your STBXH is an @ss. You deserve to have a healthy social life, don't let him shove you back into the shadows. Chin up, you are NOT the fool in this scenario.
But please do be careful and safe if his bizarre behavior is escalating. If it were me and he kept causing issues in public to myself and the people around me, I would be talking to the authorities.
Hang in there, you are almost at the finish line!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 63
Wow. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are not responsible for his behavior and have no reason to be embarrassed. If anything, the people who witnessed his meltdown feel bad for you and think he's a complete jerk. Once you're officially divorced, you'll no longer feel like an extension of him and his craziness won't feel like your problem. My AXH is off his rocker (weird, not violent) but since the divorce has been final, I no longer feel mortified by his behavior. It's him behaving that way, not me. I can't control his behavior any more than I could control his drinking.
Are you certain you're safe? Is it time to file a restraining order? You have every right to live your life and be out in public. If he's keeping you from doing that, perhaps it's time to involve the law.
Are you certain you're safe? Is it time to file a restraining order? You have every right to live your life and be out in public. If he's keeping you from doing that, perhaps it's time to involve the law.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
That sounds really miserable - I’m sorry you have to witness this craziness. I agree with what others have said - there’s one person in this picture who’s clearly whacked-out, and it isn’t you. Please don’t let misplaced shame isolate you. I’ve had the experience of a crazy ex and have learned that some people distanced themselves from me because either this level of dysfunction was way outside their experience and they lacked the ability to deal with it, or because it was way too familiar - they too had crazy exes/family members etc - and it was cutting too close to home. Just remember that you are so much more than the ex-wife of a crazy person. This does not need to be your identity.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by Healingbegins
My husband then stood outside of the place for an hour texting me that he was going to kill this poor kid and that he knew he seen him at my house on his way to work one morning
But, should there be a next time, I really hope you do. This can escalate, someone can get hurt and you don't need this ass interrupting your life for one more minute.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 62
If you can honestly believe this, there were 2 off duty police officers there. Friends of his. Nothing done but taking him outside. I really think I should just sell my house and move. Today I had to leave work for an hour to take my daughter to the doctor. 30 minutes later I get a text from him wondering if I was off work. Huh???? I think he is letting me know that he is watching. It is so hard not to feel like everyone is talking. Its truly neverending. I was doing so good in the beginning and the crazy has begun again. We may as well be living together. At least I kinda knew what he was doing. Now I'm in the dark and get the outbursts. Oh goodness.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
It kind of sounds like perhaps firming up your boundaries here would be really helpful?
Why does he have access to you at all. If your child is not with him, why is he not blocked during those times? It's possible she let him know where she was.
Perhaps it's time to enact an email only boundary. He can only contact you via email and only as it relates to your child. Period. Then block him unless he is having visitation. If you don't do this then you know he will harass you, so stop him.
He has no business knowing where you are or what you are doing or why. Yes it's creepy, don't let it creep you out.
You can certainly move if you think that is what is best for you, of course, but if you aren't particularly enamoured with that idea then stronger boundaries are needed for sure.
Why does he have access to you at all. If your child is not with him, why is he not blocked during those times? It's possible she let him know where she was.
Perhaps it's time to enact an email only boundary. He can only contact you via email and only as it relates to your child. Period. Then block him unless he is having visitation. If you don't do this then you know he will harass you, so stop him.
He has no business knowing where you are or what you are doing or why. Yes it's creepy, don't let it creep you out.
You can certainly move if you think that is what is best for you, of course, but if you aren't particularly enamoured with that idea then stronger boundaries are needed for sure.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Today I had to leave work for an hour to take my daughter to the doctor. 30 minutes later I get a text from him wondering if I was off work.
This is scary. Working with a Domestic Violence Recovery Center could be very beneficial.
Stay safe.
This is scary. Working with a Domestic Violence Recovery Center could be very beneficial.
Stay safe.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
healingbegins…...at minimum....you can still make a police report....for the record. It would be made to an onduty officer...not an offduty one.
It is important to have a written history...for any future incidents that might happen. he doesn't even need to know that there is a police report.
Basically, it sounds like he is stalking you...and, making threats...and acting out aggressively....with a room full of witnesses.....!
I suggest that you seek the guidance from your lawyer, and the dv center advocates about getting a restraining order. If/when he violates a restraining order...he will be taken to jail and taken into a courtroom.....
He sounds out of control and dangerous...just because he hasn't hurt you or someone else YET, doesn't mean that it won't happen.
You have more power than you think....and, I suggest that you use it....
Do you really think that he is suddenly get sane, in 2 weeks, when you file?
*****When they feel that they are losing control is the most dangerous time for a domestic partner....
Better to be safe than sorry, later.....
It is important to have a written history...for any future incidents that might happen. he doesn't even need to know that there is a police report.
Basically, it sounds like he is stalking you...and, making threats...and acting out aggressively....with a room full of witnesses.....!
I suggest that you seek the guidance from your lawyer, and the dv center advocates about getting a restraining order. If/when he violates a restraining order...he will be taken to jail and taken into a courtroom.....
He sounds out of control and dangerous...just because he hasn't hurt you or someone else YET, doesn't mean that it won't happen.
You have more power than you think....and, I suggest that you use it....
Do you really think that he is suddenly get sane, in 2 weeks, when you file?
*****When they feel that they are losing control is the most dangerous time for a domestic partner....
Better to be safe than sorry, later.....
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
He's stalking you and threatening people you associate with. He sounds quite unstable and possibly dangerous.
At the very least, can you block his texts? That will cut off kicks he gets from scaring you. Please watch for escalating behaviour and keep everything on record. I second the suggest that you talk to a DV service.
At the very least, can you block his texts? That will cut off kicks he gets from scaring you. Please watch for escalating behaviour and keep everything on record. I second the suggest that you talk to a DV service.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by Healingbegins
The one night I could just go feel like a person and go with my friends I was made a complete fool of.
And please be safe. His actions may become more dangerous. I hope you will take action for your own protection.
Please consider calling the police if:
he threatens to shoot himself.
he shows up at your location acting belligerently.
he continues threatening you and others via text.
Hang in there! Come here and vent any time you need.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 62
Thank you all for your words of advice. Sometimes I feel like I am over reacting to his drama. I think it's just because I have dealt with it for quite awhile, usually though as his wife and trying to get him to settle down. I got the courage this morning to send him a text that I will not be answering any texts or phone calls of his. Anything that needs to be handled with our divorce will be handled in court. That if he needs to contact our kids, they have a phone. Then I wished him the best. He sent 4 texts after that trying to explain Friday and what he has been doing to me Sunday and yesterday. I haven't answered at all and am having my daughter block him on my phone tonight. I can't figure it out. Thank you all for the strength. I don't know what I would do without your advice and support.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
You aren’t overreacting. He is way out of line. You would be very justified in reporting his behavior to the police. Individually perhaps these incidents don’t sound like much (e.g. who hasn’t gotten intrusive text messages from their ex?) but all together they add up to someone with a very low threshold of impulse control who is possessive and fixated on you. I mean:
1. Making a public scene when he saw you talking to someone.
2. Threatening to kill that person.
3. Threatening to shoot himself.
4. Telling you repeatedly that he is watching your house and he knows when you go out.
5. Telling you not to see your “boyfriend”.
And that’s only what you’ve posted here. I’m sure there’s more. Add cocaine to the mix and it’s pretty bad.
I understand not wanting to make a big deal out of nothing - I felt the same way when my ex was getting crazier (stalking, threatening). When I finally did report it, the officer I spoke to said I was if anything underreacting. I told the police I did not want to make a formal complaint but I wanted to make an “incident report” so that if anything happened to me in the future and the police had to intervene, his behaviour would be on record and the information would be accessible to the police. .
1. Making a public scene when he saw you talking to someone.
2. Threatening to kill that person.
3. Threatening to shoot himself.
4. Telling you repeatedly that he is watching your house and he knows when you go out.
5. Telling you not to see your “boyfriend”.
And that’s only what you’ve posted here. I’m sure there’s more. Add cocaine to the mix and it’s pretty bad.
I understand not wanting to make a big deal out of nothing - I felt the same way when my ex was getting crazier (stalking, threatening). When I finally did report it, the officer I spoke to said I was if anything underreacting. I told the police I did not want to make a formal complaint but I wanted to make an “incident report” so that if anything happened to me in the future and the police had to intervene, his behaviour would be on record and the information would be accessible to the police. .
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